The Journey

To say I love my family would be an under statement. There is such diversity in our lives, we are similar and different in many ways. Through the many years of our lives we have grown into our own, some of us much later than others. Though with change comes a different perspective. When you love someone and they are different from you, love them because of the difference.

We should all know that GOD places people in your life for a reason and for a purpose. You may be upset with that certain person, but realize that what you have become is due to your experience with difficult people. So don't allow those other people to change your purpose, just change the amount of energy you give them. In the end you walk away the blessed one and they remain lost in their own path.

So the lesson that I've learned from my 35 years on earth is to stop being upset when people are going to be who they are. You have a beautiful heart and you want people to shine with the light you see within them. Just because you see it doesn't mean that they do. When I am disappointed in the actions of others, I simply say, "Bless Them" and I keep it moving.

Make me over
Make me new
Make me real
Make me true
Take my pain
Give me strength
Open my heart
Give me closure
Open the tunnel
Take the weight from my shoulder
Wipe my eyes
Make me smile
Let me rest for awhile
Brighten the night
Give me the light
Grab my hand
Lead the way
I want to leave
Make me stay
Kiss my lips
Hold me tight
I fall left
Push me right
Let me swim
Don't let me drown
Prayers go up
Blessings come down
So random these thoughts I feel
They roll through my heart
So to me they are real
I share these words
I share my life
I post my feelings
I post advice
Though the journey is long
At times so very hard
Live free from anger
Lower your guard
Be true to your name
Make a change
Make sense of trouble
Even if things seem strange
You are the pilot
The one that takes the wheel
So don't travel without a plan
Always express how you feel
A poet isn't someone that makes words rhyme
A true poet is someone that writes relevance in time

Rejoicing In The 2 Years Of Bliss

I can't believe it and at the same time I can
I am in total happiness and it is so unlike my past
I always had this dream of finding the perfect love
Finding that person that just fits in my life so tightly that if they were no longer there my life wouldn't be the same
I went down different paths and wondered where I would end up
I have met some very wonderful people
I have met some very forgettable people
Then there are those people that leave you wondering what's next
All in all the path has been a learning experience
With every encounter no matter how brief, there is a lesson to be learned
Our journeys are never quiet self explanatory
Some times there are changes along the way
Then there are changes within us that change the path ahead
We can control which direction we go
We also can change the outcome of most encounters
Back to my life...
I have always dreamed of total happiness
Having a loving family
Unexplainable friendships
Having a fulfilling life
Having wonderful children
Also having a man that loved me more than the world could understand
Here I sit with my cup over flowing with so much love
I have a real family, even though they aren't all the way I wish, majority of them fill my life with such wonder and joy
I may not have children of my very own but I have a nephew and niece that make my heart skip a beat every time I see them
I have friends that keep me focused, strong, and encouraged
My life is full of wonder
There have been dark times yet I stand smiling and starring directly into the sun
Unafraid of too much exposure to joy or pain
I know that I was born to be strong
I know that I was born to love
I know that I was born to be loved
And I am
I am truly loved and it shows in my walk, my talk, my song, and in my words
He makes the difference
He makes the world stop when we are together
He makes me cry tears of total happiness
I feel no shame
I have no regrets
I never doubt my life with him
I never wonder what could be
I only pray for more time to be with him
I pray for more moments to create together
I pray that we get to experience all that our love has to offer
He saved my life literally and I feel I have returned the favor
We met December 1st 2008, we saw one another face to face on December 6th 2008, we married December 12th 2009, and our lives have been blessed since the first exchange of "Hello"
I carry his last name with pride
With his strong arms protecting me from all that tries to push me back
We love without fear or worry
We care not of other people and their negative remarks
We know the secret to a wonderful life
We giggle at the storm because we know that we will stand when it leaves
We are a fort of love and strength that cannot be measured through words, descriptions, and there is no book to tell you the true story
It is 2 years now, but it feels like an eternity

Blocking Blessings

So many times we take more energy on negativity and less time on the positive things in our lives
We tend to expect something in return for whatever it is we do for others
You lose the most important value with being a giver, you will always see the fruits of your work when you are crying about the time you put into doing good for others
A blessing is something that comes to you naturally, it isn't something that you can look for, purchase, expect or ask for
When you are living right and can be proud of what you represent that is truly a blessing
When people around you smile, say great things about you, and miss you when you aren't around is truly a blessing
Leaving a mark on this planet when it is that time to go to the next level of life is more important than having people always feed your ego
Those props that you seem so hungry for are only a brief fix to the bigger picture
The life you live today leaves a path for others to follow in the future
Make a difference in life by living by example and not by receiving a credit just for existing
You are responsible for making a place in the world
It's not up to others to feed you and bring you up
When you reach that age of true maturity you will realize how important it is to being original, self-less, and worry free from what others think of you
Just exist, love life, and make happiness where ever you go
Don't be like so many people that block their blessings because they aren't happy to see other people happy

Deep Rooted Hatred

Not calling during the holidays
Always complaining of someone hurting your feelings
You never take the responsibility for your actions yet you want to wear the Mother hat at the moments where it pleases you
It must be something about being the center of attention
I guess that means the rest of your life isn't that happy or fulfilling
You need more love than you are able to offer
You like to see division in a family that you claim you are working so hard to keep together
You go to mediums and fortune tellers informing you that you are the family's savior yet you are one of the main causes of the family separating
After so many years on earth you have no wisdom to share, no words of guidance to give
When you are confronted with your actions you run to the bible
It amazes me how people can always try to find a passage in the bible to excuse the hell that they place on the lives of others
Unhappiness is one of the main reasons I feel you are the way you are
Though I love you through it I now know that it is best for me to keep away from you
There isn't any real love in your heart
You turn on your own child and your grandchildren
So why would I think that I'm any better
Why would I think that I'm that special
I've tried for several years to break away that wall you build, to no success, the wall gets bigger and bigger
You live in total denial and you have such a keen eye on the faults of others
What a shame that you would be considered the matriarch of the family after the loss of our Mother
The truth is you couldn't wear her shoes if she came back to earth and handed them to you
She was raised to be strong, she was the heart of the family, the wife that kept her marriage together even when everyone thought she should have walked away
She showed love to all of her children even though the death of her first daughter stayed with her
She was able to manage through, though hard and at times very difficult
Through her guidance we all learned so much about ourselves
When around you I don't feel that motherly love, I don't feel that support
All I feel is pity that as old as you are you still remain childish, immature, and so full of jealousy and hate for your own family
I pity you, but I know that is a waste of an emotion
So I'll just say bless you because only GOD can help you
We as mere humans cannot supply you with the strength needed to get out of your own way
I still love you but I feel so sorry for you
Though we are born from the same blood line I still feel that there is this deep rooted hatred for your own kin and to me that's a sin, but you should already know that since you consider yourself a christian

So Very Thankful

When asked what I am thankful for I am left speechless
I am no way near being materialistic so I can't say that I'm thankful for the things I am able to buy
I am not driven by money so I can't say that I love the job that pays the big bucks
I am not selfish so I can't just think of me when expressing what I feel I am most thankful for
I am thankful for the many blessings that I receive on a daily basis
The family that I love around me showing me how much they care
That special man that I married that stands by my side through the good and the bad
The friends that I've met in my past, my present, and my future
The conversations with people where I can teach them more about me while I'm learning more about them
The moments when you realize how much you have in common with people that you've barely known
The smiles that you get and the smiles that you have when surrounded by such thoughtful, funny, and at times crazy people
Realizing that you've created a world that only a chosen few can understand
Realizing that you aren't alone when feeling like life hasn't touched the surface of your goals and aspirations
Knowing that you are more than you appear
Knowing that what you may be doing right now doesn't display who you truly are inside
Knowing that you can touch a strangers heart in a way that changes their lives forever
I am thankful for that chance
I am thankful for those people
I am most thankful for GOD for creating me and instilling me with the knowledge to understand the true meaning of being thankful

Dare To Be Different

Listening to Whoopi last night on the recording of "The Color Purple" interview on Oprah last night, I heard Whoopi mention how her mother always wanted her to be original
That message triggered my own memory with my Mother
I was always different from everyone even though I had similar qualities of my syblings
My laugh is unique, the way I view the world is unlike most, and I have a personality that is unchanging based on my surroundings
I always find a way to see the silver lining even through the darkest of storms
Life to me is as important as you make it and as brilliant as you believe you are
I am a believer in forming your own destiny and at the same time I understand that there is a devine path that has been created for us
Though must of us stay on the path created for us, there are those that know when to turn off, start another path, but learn from your experiences from your previous destination
Understanding what it means to be remembered in life is the ultimate blessing because so many people could care less what people view them as or how they are judged by others
I don't care what people think of me if they are trying to form their own image without knowing me, but if my life has been viewed and you have an understanding about who I am based on what I've shown or what I've said then your opinion to me is very important
That opinion is just another marker on the map to reaching the full potential of self
Once you have packed up all of those negative and positive experiences it changes you, but the change depends on where the weight is heaviest
If you allow the negative to bring you down faster than you let the positive build you up, then chances are you'll miss out on the benefits of your life and all that you've learned
Don't follow the leader, there are way too many people that pattern them selves after other people and doing that keeps you from living to your fullest potential
Be brave enough to stand out
Be smart enough to stand up
Be wise enough to know the difference
Be strong enough to be different

Customer Service Appreciation

What is it with rainy days and angry phone calls
I greet you with a pleasant "Hello" and a nice sweet "How may I help you"
Yet you are ready for a battle about something I have nothing to do with
No matter what you dish out I smile and work through the anger
Because deep inside I know it's not personally directed at me
Though it amazes me how you could accomplish anything in life with such an negative disposition
People just expect customer service employees to take and take their verbal abuse without realizing that we are placed in a position to either help you make your transition simple or make your day worse
We are trained to be polite as possible but there are those times when we can't apply that quality when being insulted and cursed out
We are regular people trying to make a living just like the person on the other end of the phone
We also can relate to being irritated when things aren't working out
We sympathize with them, try to give our best customer service, we even put our selves in their shoes to better help their situation
It works at times but there are those people that just love to complain without allowing us a real shot at fixing their problem
We can jump through hurdles for them if they would only take the time to step back, understand that we aren't the actual person that got them angry and let us help them the best way that we can
The company allows us a lot of wiggle room when it comes to softening the blow on their situation
When you start cutting into someone trying to help you, you don't realize that you are making them less and less able to concentrate on you and more focused on not getting an attitude right back at you
So if you are one of those people that have a complaint, realize that if the person on the other end of the phone isn't responsible for your problem, cut them some slack and allow them a chance to prove their ability to make your call a more pleasant and less stressful one

What He Wouldn't Do For Me

I sit back in total amazement at the path we've created together
I see the many wonderful things he does for me
How he makes sure I'm happy all day long
How he manifests such strength in moments when I'm not strong
He risked his personal life to add his future to mine
Through the obstacles we've faced our love has bonded us for all time
The road before was bumpy and unsure
Yet even when he makes mistakes he proves that his heart is pure
When I am feeling low he raises my spirits with a gentle touch
Though he spoils me every way possible I never ask him for much
He reads my heart through what he sees in my face
No matter where we lay our heads we make it our personal space
My heart is his and my soul as well
The more we live we love as our spirits gel
He is truly my protector my king my joy
He has the strength of a man yet the face of a boy
He loves me true and without doubt at all
He knows that together we stand and together we fall
I could never have asked GOD for a better person to share my life
In another world I wouldn't be his husband I would be his wife
The question isn't what would he do to make me happy
The statement that I use is always what he wouldn't do for me

Bitter Sweet

Have you ever ended a relationship and was left wondering what kept you there in the first place and then feeling conflicted of why you left at all?
Some relationships are cut and dry, you meet, fall in love, build a life together, then feel that you have grown apart, then you say your good-byes, but remain friends
Then there are those relationships where you aren't looking but you stumble upon the love of your life, every component fits into place and you have a beautiful relationship that is both healthy and real, it becomes the blue print of relationships for all those around you
Then there are those relationships where you meet, you play around for a long period of time, after fooling around for so long you decide to give a relationship a shot, find out you have nothing in common but the fooling around part, then you break up and continue fooling around
Then there are those relationships where everyone is telling you how you two should date since you are the best of friends, you have so much in common, you just look so great together, then you fall into what everyone has told you and pursue a relationship, once in it you argue all of the time and those qualities that seemed so attractive as friends kill your relationship as lovers so you break up and lose a good friend
Then we come to the most stressful relationship, which is the relationship where you fall in love with someone based on the qualities you see in them and ignore the signs that are being shown to you, you know in your heart that they are great people, they have a strong loving quality that makes you feel so wonderful around them, yet you keep getting the negativity, the self doubt, self pity, the untrusting behavior, and the vile emotional turmoil, you either leave them or they leave but you are left with closure issues, you didn't get a chance to figure out where you went wrong, you are left with thoughts that maybe there was a possibility for you two to fix what was wrong, then you question if you expected too much from them when they were showing you exactly what they were about yet you still envisioned this better person just underneath the surface
Moments like that when you sit and think about them you are left with bitter sweet memories, the ones that make you smile, the ones that make you cry, the ones that make you hate them, the ones that make you love them all over again, the fear that they have someone new and the door is closed to you for good, and the feeling of if they even really loved you at all
The morale to this is if someone is showing you there true colors, try taking a mental paint brush, paint a picture with all that they've shown you, if the painting isn't something you would hang on your wall in your house, if the painting isn't something you would want associated with your name, if the painting doesn't match any other decoration in your life then chances are it's not the right painting for you, so toss it out and keep it moving

Closer To You

As I sit here watching you move, the way your legs move, the way your hands are gestured, the way your toes spread with each step, oh so amazing to watch
The smell that is left in the room when your leave is like an unformed figure standing there taking your place awaiting your return
When you smile how your smile brightens up the room, no matter if it's dark or sunny outside, there is an illumination that only generates from you
The heat that bounces off of your body as it rubs against mine
That scent of your natural musk that taunts my senses
The way your hand glides around my lips, my face, around the curves of my body
So gentle, so sensual, so full of pleasure
My entire body calls out to you for more attention and you do not fail
My mind races with antiscipation of what you'll do next
Your warm breath in my ear
My heart races with every word
These are just a few things that come to mind when I think of you
When I imagine what you are doing when we aren't together
It seems that I have anger towards everything in existence when I want to be closer to you

What He Believes In

You can tell a lot about a man by what he believes in
If he has a strong spiritual guide then you know that he values love, life, and people
He will always quote the lines of the bible that pertains to a everyday situation
He believes in the bible and doesn't manufactrue the bible to apply it to his selfish needs
If he believes in love then you will always stand by you, support you, guide you, and protect you
If he believes in family then he believes in peace at the home, he wants your house to be your fortress
If he believes in parenthood then he understands the importance to live by example, he knows that there are others watching and memorizing what he says and does
If he believes in honesty then he will tell you the truth even when it hurts because he understands the importance of being understood and not subject to confusion when talking to you openly
If he believes that the past is important then he understands that looking back at your past will help you better understand your presence and your future
If he believes in karma then he will be very mindful of what he does because he knows if he does wrong he will get it back ten times worse
If he believes in you then your relationship means more to him than anything on earth and that is the most important belief to have

With My Hands Tied

I can love you without any help from friends or family
I can hold you down when the going gets so rough that you want to give up
I can stand strong beside you when you are willing to fight for your respect and your honor
I can stand in front of anyone and vouch for your reputation
I can fight off any negativity that comes your direction
I will not stand for anything less than total respect for you
I won't give up on you just because you try to push me away
I won't fall apart if you try to hurt me with harsh words to scare me out of your life
I do these things because I know that you are more than you may understand
I know that you can give me the world and would give me the world if you had it in your power to do so
I know that you think and feel me daily and that my well-being is more important than what people want to know about us
Our relationship has stood the test of time
We have faced very dark moments and still we find that love that keeps us together
Even when we are upset with one another we still look out for each other
I know that love is so important and you always show me more than you tell me
I know I can depend on you for anything
I get all that I need and all that I want
I am spoiled and I love it
I can make you smile
I can make you cry
I can make you laugh
I can make you high
Love is what I give and that is no small amount
My heart weighs heavier than a ton
My love is warmer than any quilt or comforter
My arms are stronger than any chain
My belief in you is unmovable like Mount Everest
My love for you is stronger than any religious belief
I can love you through the worst of time
I can love you even when you don't love yourself
I can love you even when the lord has called me home
I may not be here in person but you feel my presence so you'll never be alone
I have a big ego and you have one as well
That's why we compliment one another
That's why we remain strong
That's why we look to one another when things around us are destroyed
I can do all these and more
Even with my hands tied

The Point Of It All

Missing the sound of their voice, the touch of their hand, the beat of their heart on your back, the stretch of the morning rising, and that first glance when your eyes meet one another
Things are not perfect in life but when you can appreciate the little things about each other you must be living right
When you can argue or disagree but not lose out on that loving connection then you are still on the path of greatness and happiness
People tend to hold on to every little issue, every little disagreement, every angry remark, every forgetful moment, or when they do something less than perfect
Think back on all of the many little things they remember, the little things they do that you tend to forget, the little things that you never got before you met them and now you can’t live without
When the darkest times come into your life and you have so many things to be happy about then you are truly understanding of what is being created between you and that special person
When it hurts to hurt them, when you cry from seeing them cry, when you worry when they don’t answer the phone, when you are a nervous wreck waiting for them to tell you that they have made it home safely, when your heart beats faster and faster as the clock let’s you know that they are on their way and you are about to see them again
What is the point of being loved?
What is the point of being with one person for life?
What is the point of sharing their last name?
What is the point of being in their presence?
The point of it all is that life is never guaranteed and blessings don’t always come to those that wait for them. There are points in life when it seems like that darkest moment never leaves us. Most people run through thousands and thousands of people and never meet that one special person that you want to give your life to, your heart to, your future to, and share your past with. The day that you meet that person and you feel like a better person because of them to me is the point of everything else.
Never forget about the little things because as we all should know is that those big things wouldn’t stand as strong without the support of the little things that most take for granted.

When In Doubt Kick Him Out

I had a very interesting conversation with family and family friends. The topic was about being in a relationship and having outside people contacting your significant other. One part of the conversation was telling the person that you don't appreciate them calling your man or woman's phone. Threating the person to get the point across that you are their mate and that they cannot have them.

The other part of the conversation was that the mate should be the one getting the blunt of the angry tyrate. Letting the person that you've chosen to be in a relationship know that you aren't going to stand for the bull of them flirting and exchanging phone numbers and flirty playful remarks back and forth.

I had an in between view on the situation. Having experienced that sort of disrespect in my own relationship, you tend to attack it depending on how it came about and what part your partner had in it getting out of hand.

When you start a relationship you put on the table who you are, what you are about, what you won't deal with, and what you have previously dealt with. If after getting the 411 from you they still do something disrespectful then that is your choice to handle it the best way you know how.

The only thing that I would advise is after dealing with the other person, your partner or both, it still doesn't seem to get the point across, show their ass the door. I am a firm believer in second chances but I am also a believer in not being a fool.

When issues arise in a relationship and the common factor of the issue is the other person then you need to rethink your relationship, how you are handling the relationship, and the person you are in a relationship with. At times people don't take what you tell them as gospel because after you get on them you revert back to that happy relationship as if nothing ever happens. They then turn right around and do it yet again, you get angry, then forget it happened and start living that happy life that you are so desperately trying to maintain.

I feel strongly that you don't beat them up about it constantly if you have forgiving them, but you don't forget what happened. There should be a form of punishment for adults doing things that are seen as disrespectful to you and the relationship. As children we are taught those valuable rules of life and when we disrespect our parents we also disrespect the family. So when we become adults and we still don't get the point we should experience similar punishments.

I talk the situation out, let you know where I stand and what I will not stand for. If you choose to disrespect our relationship after the sit down and hash out, I then allow you a vision of what life will be without that sense of respect and trust. The person doing wrong most of the time will keep doing wrong because they are in a relationship with a loving and devoted partner so they keep burning that connection until that loving and devoted person turns into a bitter and angry partner.

When that happens the relationship because full of venom and the matters between the two become so hard to maintain that other negative energies are introduced to the relationship. You feel that you are stuck, you feel that you need them to learn, you feel that you made a promise and that you will stick to it, but the main thing that we forget is that we aren't the ones that did wrong yet we turn out to be the ones under the punishment rule.

We are being hurt, lied to, disrespected, and ignored. We give the partner that continues to screw up all of the power and we lose who we are. We lose that love and that light we have inside of us. I have been through, I have seen it, and I've heard it way too often.

Love is a very fragile thing, but trust is just as or more fragile. When trust is gone you have nothing left. You lose that love you had for that other person and they seem like weights around your ankles. No matter what you do that smile that was so effortless before becomes more and more of a task. When you realize that you aren't happy anymore it is time to take full inventory of your relationship.

Grab back your power and let go of what doesn't serve you any form of happiness. In the end of the life cycle you don't have that chance to experience a "Do Over" because we only live one life, but at times we have the opportunity to reinvent who we are and how we live. When giving that rare opportunity take it and run with it!

Waking From 1000 Years Of Sleeping

It's shocking at times what we miss when we thought we were living so full and catching every single blip on our life portrait
I felt for so many years that I wasn't being heard, that I wasn't being taken seriously, that people saw me but didn't notice the real me
I walk through this world wondering if my potential would ever get noticed
Would someone really stop, look back, raise an eyebrow and ask me to repeat what I just said
This entire time of me thinking this, it was happening
All of this time I was the one not noticing my potential, I was so caught up with looking at everyone else and not noticing myself
I was so hooked on getting feedback that I wasn't paying attention to myself
It boggs the mind on how we miss the obvious
How we never pay attention to what is right in our faces
How we just take so much time to search for something we feel is difficult when in fact it can be so easy and stress free
So after such a long slumber I am taking in account my surroundings
I pay attention to what I say and how it is being taken in
I choose my words wisely and I give every effort to make sure that what I say has been thought through and felt
So no more sleeping for me I am wide awake and as alert as ever

The Beginning Of The End

I sit at my desk today just wondering about life in general
Here I am taking phone calls from different walks of life and how amazing it is that no matter who I speak to I get that vibe of understanding and fellowship
I have strangers telling me how pleasant I am to talk to yet they've only spoken to me briefly but there is this unforseen energy that connects us
We make remarks on people within seconds of meeting them based on a vibe we may have felt or certain words that person has spoken
Then ending result is either you are right about them or you are wrong
When I meet people I instantly feel a burst of energy
Some times that energy feels negative and I instantly respond to it
Some times it's a warm and sensational feeling and I feel pulled into their space and it feels right so I figure them to be good people
The worse thing we can do is take in other people telling us about people we don't know
I see it so often that someone isn't liked because a person has told someone about them and that person takes their word and treats them awful without truly knowing if what has been said is true or false
We as a people tend to follow the flock and at times the flock leader
We forget that we have minds of our own and that when we practice our own sense of thought we find that we are different in many ways from those that we have befriended
The need to be liked and the need to be a part of a clique can have it's painful set backs because when we are adults we find that we have less and less power over our own lives
It the following isn't stopped at an early age we carry it into our adult life and even pass it on to our children
That my friends is the beginning of the end
When we lose our voices we lose our need for independence and originality
Don't be a follower, be a leader and shine as bright as your light will allow

That Love Thang

It's amazing that just looking a photo takes you back to where your heart holds dear
The thoughts of a journey with a loving stranger has changed your life forever
The future doesn't have a weight to it anymore
The idea of dealing with trouble isn't stressful knowing that this person stands beside you and holds your hand and soothes your soul
Knowing that his every waking thought is all about you and what he wants for the both of you
The way he caters to your needs and makes sure that you smile every day
The moment you look sad they are right there holding you and encouraging that daily smile they search for to get them through the day
Knowing that you are happy they feel that their life means more than it may have many moons before you met
The stress of the structure of a relationship some times takes away from the spirit of love but when you meet the soul mate that you have been born to love it all falls into place
You look back on your past and it doesn't make you cry because when you relive that past you know where the present leads you
You know that the story has a happy ending and that no matter the struggle during your happiness, it builds that love between you to and only makes you love each other more
Not being able to sleep peacefully unless the one you love is right there with their arm around you or your arm around them
Knowing that every dream you dream all though crazy at times, they always seem to have a purpose
The dreams that are random and have no structure means that your current life is where it needs to be and your subconscious mind isn't trying to tell you something
You can enjoy the little conversations while hugged up and curled up on the bed
The days you just look at one another and fall in love all over again
Knowing what they are going to say before they utter a word
Knowing what they like and what they dislike without asking
Knowing that you won't be happy doing anything without them
Even work feels like torture because you know that those 10 hours apart keeps you from seeing them, hearing them, touching them, smelling them, and just loving on them
When every moment spent together feels like your life is on total pause you know that you are loved and that damn love thang is real because you live it every single day

The Journey Back Home

Some how we believe that traveling back to where it all started would be considered a failure, a bad idea, the worse mistake possible
But once you have planted your roots back and actually take the time to look around, you realize that life has waited for you to come back
Your journey isn't complete and the decision to come back home was just another decision and another path to your final destination
When you constantly strive for perfection in your life and when things around you seem to fall apart you feel that you aren't living to your fullest capabilities
The truth is that materialistic items come and go but that soul search and mental build up can never be measured
When you realize that all of the fears you had when you were younger are no longer there
When people talk to you and are surprised with how much you've grown
When you come around friends and those childish issues that use to bother you no longer affect you at all
When you are settled and a relaxing day just loving family is more than having a list of things to do
When you can sit and just talk about your day and not the problems, the bills, the job, and the worry that the money won't cover all of the expenses
Most people don't realize that just because home was hard when you were younger doesn't mean it will be if you return
The change has to come from you
The change must be real and true in order for you to understand the transition
Most people run and keep running until their road has run out and they realize that they are running alone
Look back and notice the change in you first, then you will accept the change in everyone else
The journey back home isn't always covered with painful memories and bad experiences
The experiences that stick with you make you who you are today wheter that be good or bad
The choice to live right is yours and the power to make a positive change and remain positive is also up to you
Use the past as a map to the journey destination
Never be afraid of the journey back home

The Strength We Need

I believe that we all have the ability to tap into the strength inside of us
It just seems for most it takes a little longer to find it
That doesn't imply that it isn't there
Our lives are unpredictable and we never really know the path in front of us
Some times our lives show us what we need to see but we are too lost in our present that we don't capture the images
Some times we are so lost in our own drama that we ignore the solution to the problems that we face on a daily basis
Or there are people in our lives that step up and try to protect us before we have a chance to defend ourselves
We can some times rely on those people so much that we forget that we can be strong on our own
Or we love the fact that those people are there and it feels good not to worry about us for a change
Either way it changes the life process
It makes us at times become dependent and we lose our identity in this move
It may work for some but it doesn't work for everyone
It's funny when it comes down to it and you realize that you can and have to carry yourself
The funny part is that you may not have to search very hard to find it
It could be that you just got so caught up with being taken care of that you forgot that you could take care of yourself
It's not a bad thing to allow people to step in and help us in our time of need
The bad part becomes when we no longer want to do it for ourselves and get angry when people don't drop what's going on in their lives to help us out of our own mess
Never take people for granted because when they are gone you find yourself more alone than you may have planned
It's always a great thing to show people what you are capable of doing for yourself
That way the right person will come into your life at the right point and time
Always look within before you look out for the strength you need

Darkest Feelings

I believe that to everyone there is a dark side.
In our lives at times we are concerned about what people think of us so when it comes to sharing everything about our feelings we brighten up what we say.
In our minds there are thoughts that form and we tend to scare our selves at times with what we see.
We are told that those thoughts are wrong and shouldn't be in your head.
I laugh at that because anyone that thinks knows and understands that your brain is powerful and it is difficult to shut it off even when we try not to think of anything at all.
We meet people that we dislike and automatically we start feeling like we could do things to them because what we may have said or done didn't seem to do the trick, the person still has offended us in some way.
The nicest of people can have the darkest of feelings.
We look at people such as Bishop Eddie Long and because he has the title he does, majority of people think he is above those dark feelings.
They just can't get the idea around their head that he could actually have those emotions, those sinister ambitions, and that he would actually live them out.
It's when we accept that other part of us that we grab a hold to our personality.
I accept that I can be light and dark
I accept that I can be happy and sad
I accept that I can be good and bad
Having those multiple dimensions makes us all unique in our own way
Just because it feels bad doesn't mean you are bad
The world is separated by those different feelings
Think about, someone gets on your nerves so bad you imagine putting your hands around their neck and not letting go until they are lifeless
You don't because you care about what would happen afterwards
There is another person that thinks about doing the exact same thing, but does it and doesn't care about the afterwards
Then there is a person that was so pushed to their limit that they did the exact same thing but regrets doing it and is damaged for life
Never think that you are above darkness
Never think that you are too low for the light
Accept being human and keep it moving

What Next

Today as I sit in a training room learning another job and walking towards another completed goal I stop and ask myself, "What's next?"
My entire life has been about accomplishing, reaching goals, completeing the next task, and writing more down to keep me going.
In life we tend to just go with the flow, but I've found that to be a blind way to live. I would like to believe that our destiny is at our own hands because to believe that what we do is expected and already set in motion makes us zombies living a life for someone else and not ourselves.
My first reaction to this new chapter in my life was to say no thank you and wait for something that I know I really wanted, but I felt that I would be doing what came typical to me when I wasn't interested.
I decided to change up the game and walk the walk before complaining about the journey.
So often we tend to stick to what we know and then look confused when we are limited to what we can do.
How do you know what your limits are if you always stay the same?
How do you know what else you could learn if you are afraid to try?
How do you know that your life is so horrible when you refuse to make a sacrifice?
As a child I moved away from home and set out on a journey to find me and to live free from the shakles of what existed around me.
Being compared to other members of my family made me feel like I didn't have an identity of my own.
When I got a taste of the real world and finally understood my own make up and mental stability I learned so much about myself and realized that I had so much more to learn.
I realized that I never truly had a childhood and there was so much I missed out on because I wanted to grow up so fast.
Now in my mid-30's I feel like I'm a teenager all over again.
I want to take chances, I want to make sacrifices, I want to test the waters, and I want to walk a different walk to see where it will carry me.
Throughout the many years of my adult life I never really knew what love was until now. I never imagined that I could find someone that would love me to the level I felt I was.
Now it's a list with very strong check marks.
Marking off everything I thought I could and couldn't do.
The list has changed over time, yet it still remains minimal.
I feel well accomplished to just be 35 years old, I have lived a life that people in their 80's could sit and tell their grandchildren.
I now know that because that life is yours, you can make a move or you can stand still and watch the world move right along without you.
I choose to be a mover and someone that never looks back in regret.
So now that I am ready for another experience I check off the list containing the question, "What's Next?"

Tony Terry - With You

Tony Terry - Everlasting Love

Prisoner Of Emotions

I pride myself in being able to tap into my emotions at times
It's a talent that so many people I've grown to know have not mastered that part yet
At the same time it can be a dangerous arsenal to have
When you experience painful moments
You tend to bury them because you feel that you've touched on them enough and you don't need to revisit them after that
What you don't realize is that they fester and grow as time goes on
The fear of building a life and hoping that those painful moments won't repeat themselves can over power
One of the biggest emotional issues that I fight on a daily is trust
After living a life that warrants so much trust, it's difficult to honestly give someone total trust of your heart and your life
Once trust has been shaken it can be difficult if not impossible to fix
Now it's possible to get through the storm, but how you end up after the storm has gone away is a whole other matter
We tend to picture people to be one way and then find there are more layers to them as time goes on
People tell you that things are one way, but in the heat of the moment the truth of their feelings shine through like sun beams on a cloudy day
Words that you hear and reactions that you see can give you a different feel for the person that you didn't think possible
You suddenly realize that their outlook of you isn't as great as they always said it was
You suddenly realize that the fight isn't for you, it's against you
It makes you sit and wonder if your choices that led you to this point were smart ones or choices fueled by your many emotions
At the surface things can always look great but once layers start to fall the picture can show all of the scratches and scrapes that you didn't see at first glance
You rewind your life from that moment and try to see where you could have noticed the possibility of this new appearance
You find yourself angrier at you than the other person
Then you wonder if you are at fault for hoping for the best and then feeling silly for feeling let down when the best wasn't given
At times we withdraw and drift off into our own minds because it can be safer there than to allow our feelings to bury us
Stepping back from something allows you time to review it and wonder if it's possible to salvage what's left and rebuild a whole new life from what remains
Then you wonder if you decide to do that, is the other person also willing or are they once again just telling you so because they feel it better to agree than to disagree
After so long with having control of your heart you feel that you slipped up and trusted someone that juggles it with no concern for the after math if they drop it
Deep inside you see the warmth and love that was there before, but now there's uncertainty, anger, blind self preservation, and overall total disregard for what they do
This cycle of thought and emotion can become a vicious one
When dealing with emotions there are never truly any winners or losers
In the end we are all just prisoners with a life sentence and no possibility for parole

What I Desire

It's not hard to imagine a future where everything is perfect. Dreams of having a life that shines brighter than the one you fall asleep to every night. Living through what you live through on a daily basis it's a wonder that you have that vision within you. Life can deal out several blows to your soul that some times can win out despite your many efforts to fight it and rebuild yourself from the ground up.

It's always a great thing to make goals for yourself, because having something jotted down in front of you gives you a visual outlook on your future plans.

What I desire?

I desire to be happy through it all. No matter how dark the day, I can see the light at the other end of the sky.

I desire to love even though the odds stand against me and tell me that the love I have is impossible to hold on to.

I desire to be strong even when I have nothing in my arms to hold up. When life keeps trying to bury me in pain and sorrow.

I desire to hold on to the one I have chosen to love for the rest of my life even though there are forces that want to rip us apart and try to plant doubt in my mind.

I desire to seek knowledge even though the doors of success still remain blocked to me, when the chance to actually live out my career goal is running further away from my reach.

I desire to look over the many negatives I see in people and love them for just being human enough to have those flaws and own up to them.

What I desire, well it's very simple. I desire to live to desire. At least I have something to live forward to.

The Other Side Of Happiness

In life there are so many different shades of color
We tend to stick with what we grow familiar with
It is easier to keep something that we know instead of something that brings change
The same can be said about emotions
We can be happy in many different ways and several levels
The smallest thing can bring a smile to your face
The biggest thing can bring tears of joy to your eyes
The scary part is when the biggest things are hard to come by
The painful truth is that the small things may be all you have to look forward to
It can sit mixed emotions in your heart when you hear the story of other people's happiness
When you see others getting the things you are working so hard for and then they do not appreciate it
You begin thinking that maybe what you want isn't really for you
If it was it should have come to you by now
You've wanted it longer, you wanted it harder, and you were willing to sacrifice to get it
Being human is the fairest way to accept those questions that arrive in our minds as we see other people taking for granted the things that you would cherish most
It's difficult to understand why people tend to do the things they do when faced with getting what they want all the time
It can't be as simple as just saying they don't appreciate it because they can get it easily
There is a part of them that remains empty though they are showered with constant blessings
While you live step to step trying not to tumble over
You dream of those things that other people take for granted
You can visualize your life having everything you want and being content with having those things in your life finally
The deal that no one thinks about at times is, most of those people that run through what you consider blessings have no real goal in life
They may get the things you wish you could have, but they get them and they still want more
While you sit and thank God for the small things that come your way and you learn to appreciate those moments where life seems to be right for you no matter the circumstances
Think about! Your life will be a true journey of failure and reward, but you will cherish the path ahead
Those that can't find happiness miss out of the one true thing that you have
A heart that is easily satisfied, therefore, it is easily healed when broken
People that count on the next fix never take the time to repair their heart because they are so busy running to get something new to replace the new things they recently got
It isn't anything to be ashamed about when we wish for things, however, it is shameful to have all of the important things in your life yet you see others and want what they have
The other side of happiness is total darkness and that area of life is only meant for those that can't appreciate the many blessings that life gives in the small beautfiul packages
What side are you on?

What Could Have Been

I could be typing another sorrow story
I could have received a different call
I could be lying in bed all alone
I could be crying my eyes out in total pain
I could be packing my things thinking about where would I go now
I could be making funeral arrangements
I could be calling family members with bad news
I could be looking at his picture and praying for it all to not be true

These things were very possible but it didn't happen
He is still with me
He is still holding me
He is still telling me he loves me
He is telling me how blessed he was to have survived
He is lying beside me and holding me tightly

My life could have been destroyed with an instant accident
My life could have changed instantly within moments

It terrifies me of what may have been my life at this point
But because I still have my soulmate in a strange twist of fate I seek solice in the opposite of what could have been

Where You Stand

When it is all said and done we find out who is important to us and who is just along for the ride
People all want to be right beside you when the times are going well and they are receiving your blessings without lifting a finger to contribute to them
When it comes to the hard times you see who your real people are and who needs to be taken out of the picture
Notice your conversations
When you talk to the people that are there through thick and thin they will listen as well as share their feelings and their lives with you
The ones that you need to drop like a bad habit will only dump their drama in your lap and expect you to pick up the pieces
The shameful thing that you find out in time is that those people can actually be part of your family
Growing up I always assumed that family would stick by you no matter what
I thought that family would always stand by your side and be real with you
I have learned over the years that some times family is the main source of the negativity in your life
It is a hurting feeling to experience that sort of reality but you become stronger once you accept those in your life as they are
When you stop painting a beautiful family portrait and allow the cracks and flaws to show you can live a more peaceful and decent life
So the bottom line of life is depended upon your stance
What you believe and what you feel is actuality
Be all that you can be and learn from the good as well as the bad
Take all that you have experienced, mix it all up and create the armor you will need when you face the true hardships of life
It can be over powered or it will knock you over, it depends on where you stand

If All Else Fails

The most common rule in life is do on to others as you would have them do on to you
Though some times that rule doesn't apply to certain walks of life
These moments of uncertain retaliation can drive you out of your mind
Dealing with people much older than you but having them act like children much younger than you can be so entertaining at times
You find yourself acting more mature in your decision making
You find yourself thinking about the benefits of just walking away from the situation
You wonder what in the hell is going on
Then you look at the track record and realize that what you are facing should not be such a surprise
All of your life you have been giving these people the benefit of the doubt
You found yourself just dealing with their many different personalities and uncontrollable mood swings
It all dawns on you why you have decided to take Psychology as a major
It isn't only because you are in wonder of the human mind and the human condition
It seems to boil down to the people you face every single day
It feels like the ones that show the most potential for a check and a ride on the short yellow bus are people you've known forever
You watch television shows and you see these crazy people and you see them diagnosed for their mental diseases
You then begin to wonder if the people you are in contact with should be labeled as mentally disturbed as well
No matter what approach you take you get the same outcome
No matter how you address them that craziness still appears
No matter how you conduct your speech pattern they still read negativity
So instead you just totally shut it off completely
You stay away from them
You count down the days until you are no longer sharing a space with them
You still pray that they have a safe life
You pray that one day they learn that they are flawed too severe for a sit down conversation
It then starts to pour into you that you are blood related
It starts to make you wonder if you will display that same mental breakdown when you reach their age
Thinking those thoughts start to make you sit back and dwell on that possibility
Then you snap out of it, turn on the television, and watch some more shows of crazy people being diagnosed for mental diseases
If all else fails, acting is a great fall back plan from reality

Was I Wrong

In the beginning of love it is always that feeling of total bliss
Everything they say to you makes your stomach dance in excitement
Everything they do for you makes you happy and you mark those moments down so that you can always remember them when the day repeats on the next year
You find yourself making everything a anniversary because it was something new that you never had before
You start planning your future and all of the things you would like to do
You start making your plans for the future place you will live
You start picking out songs that will remind you of special moments

Some times when you are so caught up in the future plans you don't notice what's actually happening in your relationship
Some times the alarms are going off but you are so in la la land you don't pay attention to them
Their flaws seem like minor scratches on the surface, in your heart you feel that there is something deeper inside trying to get out
So you allow those flaws to remain

Before you know it you are chaning yourself to fit their place in life
You stop planning the things you set up for yourself because you want to see them shine brigther than ever
You stop hanging out in the places you use to frequent because you want to spend all of your time with them
You cut off those people in your life that you use to talk to all the time for fear of disrespecting the one you are with now

The changes are often and you don't really see them until you hit a road block
It's that road block that snaps you out of the fantasy
When you're eyes are completely open you start recognizing things in them that you don't like
You start figuring out where you fell short of your life and your plans for them
It's in the moment of a dead end you realize that you have reached the limit and you have no one but yourself to blame

Relationships aren't a waste of time, it is certain people that waste your time
When you start remembering how special you are and how original you are, you start to view that person in their actual light

Then those flaws become holes instead of scratches
Those little things that didn't bother you before annoy the hell out of you all the time
What you thought they had deep inside was just wishful thinking and you have created this hero out of nothing

Instead of totally loosing your perspective, you stop and rethink where you are and how you got there
You start taking back your time and replanning your future

The ideas that you had for the both of you may change and that's fine
Because as you change and they stay the same, it's obvious that they weren't right for you in the first place

You may ask yourself, "Was I wrong?" the answer is not really that cut and dry
It's never wrong to want the best for someone
It's never wrong to support someone
It's never wrong to give someone your time and attention
It's never wrong to want a beautiful future with a special someone

What is wrong is when they know they aren't right for you, yet they just tag along for the ride

What Remains

Though the path ahead seems unsure there is still a glimmer of light that shines up ahead
You aren't sure where it will lead but you know there is no need to turn back now after all that you've given up to take this journey
You decide to pack light because the distance is unknown, there is no telling what you'll pick up while you travel, and there's no need to pack unecessary items that would just hold you from walking in full stride
So you sit your back pack down and take out doubt, uncertainty, jealousy, fear, envy, regret,denial,arrogance,selfishness,anger,sadness,depression,dishonesty, and shame
When you look in the bottom of the pack there is just hope that remains
After all of your life you still have held on to hope
Through all the bad experiences, the many let downs, the people that hurt you, the people that left you, the people that were taken from you, the broken promises, and the crushed dreams you still believe that there is something still there for you
You have this glimmer of light in your heart and that is the light you see in your path
It's what's kept you on the road to the unknown
When all else fails you, hope never waivers, it never gives up, it never lets you down, it won't back down from the obstacles that life throws your way
It is a true believer, and it always has it's eyes on the ending of the storm
Why? Because hope is what keeps you alive, it is the defining emotion that builds you through all of your stresses, through all of your falls, and disappointments
If you take the time to reflect on you, shed off all of the uneccessary emotions that just bog you down, you will realize what remains

As Time Goes On

Though it's been a while you still relive the experience over and over
You find that your days seem to fly by just to reach a certain time where it all hits your heart
Getting through everyday feels like a task that you have mastered and the times you want to just let it all go makes you feel like you're giving up
You start feeling obligated to hold on to the pain because it seems like that's the only way you can feel their presence
It's an obstacle that doesn't get more difficult, it just starts to become more obvious as to what is coming next
When people are taken from your life it takes a piece of your heart away
You feel less and less like your self at times
You feel stronger today and then weaker tomorrow
You feel like sleeping forever and then you feel like running through the day with your hands waved and the sun beaming on your skin
You feel like withdrawing from everyone and then you feel like embracing and cherishing those that are still around you
It feels like a game that has no means of winning or losing, it's just a matter of learning from each experience
You start to realize that this cycle of life is never changing, but the people involved all walk away from it with something different
You take the good and bad to make it a part of your life because it doesn't matter if you like it or not, it is a part of your life
So in the long run you wear these feelings, these experiences on your body like a patch of clothing
It becomes your personality and you find out that they are there to help you help others and to better understand life its self
You become a person that understands the many questions of life and become a source of strength and knowledge
You find out all of these things if you stay on the path and keep an understanding
It doesn't happen overnight, it comes to you as time goes on

It's The Little Things

Just the way you look at me
Just the way you walk up to me and hug me
Just the way you kiss me for no reason at all
Just for the cards, letters, post it notes that you leave for me
Just the way you hold my hand
Just the way you listen to everything I say

Since the day I clicked "Match" on TAGGED
Since the moment I clicked "Accept" for a friendship
Since the moment I responded to your message
Since the moment I gave you my number
Since the moment I took the drive to see you that Saturday
Since the first time we made love

Because you told me you loved me
Because you tell me everyday how important I am to you
Because you think of us and not just you
Because you are always there for me
Because you want nothing but the best for me
Because you have future plans that match my future plans

Why would I ever doubt your love for me
Why would I ever feel down about my life
Why would I ever question the blessings that we've received
Why would I wonder about our future
Why would I be surprised by the beautiful things you do for me
Why would I care about the outside world when I have you

You were made for me and I was made for you. We were both born to meet, love, build together, hold one another, bring love into the world with a force unstoppable by negativity and harmful wishes from those that want nothing more than to break us apart.

There is a thing called soulmate and you are that for me. Throughout my life I have prayed for one question to be answered:

"Will I ever fall in love with the perfect man for me?

Since the day that I met you I am not sure about my life because for that entire time before you my biggest goal was to find a love that could heal my heart, build up my strength, empower my courage, open my eyes, ears, and heart to the possibilities of living a dream.

You may fall in love with me everyday, but I have loved you my entire life. There are years that remain to make up for the time I wasn't with you, but even in the after life we will remain together because the bounds of Earth can't sustain a love this powerful and genuine.

I welcome you in my soul and all the emotions that it brings, it's not just because you say you love me I feel my life changing, it's the little things.

The Balance

The one thing that I have learned in my life is that there is a balance in the universe
There are people that are meant to be evil, there are people that are meant to be good, and there are people that contain both good and evil traits
Evil will do whatever they can to destroy a good person’s spirit
Good people struggle through life trying to understand why evil people are the way they are
The problem with this is that when good people try to understand evil and evil pretend to be good it destroys the balance
The best way to live is to accept who you are and accept who they are
The need to figure out someone’s evil intentions is pointless and it takes away from your blessings
Evil people will be who they are for the rest of their life
Good people live better when they give up the fight and allow things to flow naturally
The people that have both traits can turn on the evil when necessary
To turn on the evil could mean to protect you or stand up for yourself
They do, however, understand the balance better and realize what is better for them
So stop trying to change people
Focus, accept, and love yourself then life will open its doors for you to succeed

A True Friend

Dear Friend,

How are you doing today
After our conversation I just couldn't let you walk away
Without telling you how sorry I am that you felt the pain you feel
That all this time you thought you were in love and it wasn't real
I'm sorry he hit you and didn't care enough to stop
I'm sorry that he cheated on you and gave into his manhood and wasn't the loyal guy you thought
I wanted to say so badly that you should leave over and over again
Though when you would speak ill of him you would also say you didn't want this to end
I was chained to my loyalty to you and it left me speechless
Even though the life you were living with him was truly a mess
I love you enough to risk you becoming mad with me for telling you the truth
I feel you were a fool to stay in a life where it was right in front of you and no need to search for proof
He never cared about you because he knew you would never leave
He used you up because it was easy and he did whatever he pleased
It was a dance where he lead you and were pushed around
He won you over because he made you feel less of yourself by always putting you down
The fights all night and the love making during the day
Those were his ways of taking your pain away
Yet you gave into him to easily that it didn't mean a thing to him at all
He knew that all he had to say was he loved you and once again you would fall
I confronted him and told him that he should leave you alone
He said that even if he wanted to leave you would follow him like a dog with a bone
Before I knew it I struck him through all of my pain
As I landed each strike I felt your honor being regained
When I snapped out of my daze he lay there bloody and bruised
I made him promise to leave you even though he wanted to refuse
That's why he's gone from you life forever
If you can forgive me, I'll remain your friend and aide you through the stormy weather
Because in the end it's true friendship that keeps your heart together

The Nameless Lady

I see her everyday walking across the street
She seems to have music in her ears because she smiles and walks in rhythm
When she passes strangers she speaks and welcomes them as if she’s known them her entire life
I don’t know her story, whether she is someone’s mother, sister, friend, or wife
All I know is that when she passes me by my heart skips a beat
It’s not due to attraction it’s just this energy that she keeps
She carries the sun with her as she does her glow
I can’t help but admire this work of art
She generates a respect that is instant and not demanded
She is beauty and grace; no one can deny that she is there
If you see her you feel the joy of a mother’s baby
So much power in her presence….
This nameless lady

The Mother

She reads us bedtime stories which builds our imagination
She holds us in her arms to protect us from the devastation
Even if we don’t know her she gives us wisdom and guidance
It’s because of her presence we learn respect, hard work, and diligence
She is what we all need to live out a wholesome life
She isn’t just a mother; she is a daughter, and a wife
It’s this angelic soul that secures our legacy
It’s her influence, tolerance, and empathy
When GOD created her he meant to give her all of these qualities and more
For he knew in what the world had in store
So learn to respect her better as she has taught us to respect each other
She may be a stranger to you, but to someone else she is the Mother

A Woman's Honor

It’s almost impossible to put into words the power of a woman
How can you label such a gift from GOD?
They say that they were created from the rib of a man
Yet they are the power of a man’s heart
They are the strength that keeps the world together
They are the glue that ties bloodlines forever
They are the Queens of the throne
They are the comfort of a child’s home
They protect us when the world is cold
They are courageous, strong, and bold
To truly honor a woman, words can’t do the task
If you want to honor a woman, you walk up to one and just ask

My New Home

There is a door, wooden, old, and hanging off the henges
The walkway is rocky with patches of grassing struggling to get through
The fence surrounding the house is hanging on for dear life as it shelters the grounds
The windows are frosted from the cold breeze that teases it with each brush it gives
When the door opens it gives this creeking sound as if it has a limited time left before it lets go
Walking on the floor boards they sing with different levels of sound matching each step
There is dust on the light fixtures, so strong that it seems it was painted on
The sound of the emptiness is relaxing and calming though it cries for life
The kitchen vibrates from the life of others that lived there before
The refrigerator light flickers with the opening of the door
The air is dry yet it's cool and refreshing
The cabinets are sturdy and drenched with wallpaper dressing
The main bedroom is dark yet cozy and quaint
The closet in the room seems endless, dark, and dank
The light above the room barely sheds light into the room at all
As you open the blinds you are covered with the dust that begins to fall
Walking down the hallway you rub your hands against the walls to get a feel for the space
Looking into the smaller rooms your mind begins to race
What will I put here, how will I decorate that
The heat in the house is so strong that you remove your hat
At that time you feel as if you've been here before
The sounds that your ears gather begs you to explore
You walk out the back door and look over the house one more time
As you look at the roof you are blinded by the sun's shine
A connection has been formed and you feel like this is where you are meant to be
Though it needs work, your imagination still runs free
It feels right that you sign your name away and claim this space to roam
It might be a fixer upper, but it's still my new home

In My Way

He reaches into me as if he's God ripping my soul from my body
He taunts constantly and tempts my urge to feel naughty
He knows my darkest secrets even though my lips are shut
He never lets me forget my wrongs
His judgement feels like knives in my gut
I stand in the mirror and he stares back
I try to move before he does but I'm too slow to fight off his attack
It drives me crazy with how much power he has over me
As hard as I fight through the damamged grounds I just can't break free
My dreams are up for display and I can't hide my true nature
The lust, the rage, the need for attention, the constant taste for the rapture
Though I know there is more to me than these negative needs
Some how he knows how to fuel me and pour over my greed
It's a dance that never stops and yet the rhythm always remain the same
It annoys me over and over again, yet he enjoys our little mind games
He laughs in the face of danger where I fear what may become
I stand for honesty, trust, quality, all the things that he finds dumb
Though he remains in my brain I know he will never leave
Just because he exists, doesn't mean that I owe him the possibility that I believe
I can live without his influence, his constant judgement over how I live day to day
He is my dark side and he will always be in my way

When To Walk Away

It's been a chore to find friends
When you meet people they tell you a story that captivates you and you feel like you have found a good person to connect with
As you get to know them they make you feel like they truly are moved by you and want to further the friendship
As you dig deeper into their life you start realizing that the stories that they have shared with you don't match up to the facts that you find out later
Then you start finding out their true intentions towards you
People tell you all the time that they want friends when in actuality they want a cut buddy
For those of you that don't know the meaning "cut buddy" that is someone you call a friend but have sex with on occassions
The saddest part is when they say that they are in relationships yet they are trying to get with you sexually
At what point do we treat our relationships like real relationships
We are stereotyped all the time
We are seen as a bunch of sex crazed men that just want to hump the next available guy
No one really believes that gay relationships last because of that opinion
The sad truth is that there are so many men out there that live up to the stereotype
Don't get me wrong sex is great, but it's even greater when you are with someone that you love and you can see yourself with for the rest of your life
When you allow yourself to get over the fear of being alone you can find that special someone to love
You hear all the time that guys tell you that they just love sleeping around
Dig deeper into their story and you will find there is more to it than that
Someone that sleeps around a lot isn't always a slut
There is something missing in their life and they try to fill it with casual sex
To get that gratification from someone makes them feel happy
Then the realization of them leaving them kicks in and they run to the next guy
Before they know it they have slept with just about every man in the state to run away from their fear of being hurt and alone
We as gay men should take the time to understand the men we come in contact with
If we are truly looking for true love then why settle for a sexual encounter with someone you know won't be there tomorrow
Know when to step back and review what you are in
Know when to ask the right questions and when to question a statement that seems untrue
Better yet, know when to walk away
You'll save yourself a lifetime of hurt and pain by following your instinct and not your sexual hunger

Venting It Out

There are times when you feel like things just seem out of whack
You feel like you can't get your thoughts together long enough to understand what's happening in your brain
In those times you want to be alone and away from it all
It's hard to voice how you feel because there are times when you don't know yourself
We label it in many different ways, but it's that the mind is trying to process things, but us being human we try to rush to a conclusion which leads to us making bad decisions
It's good to let feelings out and give the heart a chance to catch up with the mind
When you ignore the signs of those changes is when you could possibly destroy what you have in your life
It's not really blaming people or blaming circumstances, it's just a process that you have to work through on your own
Once you get a better understanding of where you are, then you can welcome someone in to share your findings
Back up from your life and review what's happening
There are times when it could be something simple that you have overlooked
There could be moments that contain the answer to the unanswered questions
By all means express those to that special person in your life
You may not know the answers, but that's all right, at least let them know that you are working through something
It's not necessary to always have the answers at your disposal
The appreication will be given to you if you are honest about your place in life at that moment
If you have a love, friends, or family that truly understand you they will respect your wish to give you that space and time to come back to them

When It Feels Like New

In relationships you have those moments when you feel like this is so hard to deal with
There are obstacles that you face time and time again that will test you faith and strength as a lover
It's in the eye of the darkest times when you figure out if you are truly relationship material or not
These tests are not just tests about you, it's a test about the one you have chosen as well
Some times we question our ability to be in a life long relationship, where in fact, the one that we have chosen isn't the right one to open that door
The moment you have fallen in love with your soul mate, things change in such a way you cannot explain your feelings
You find yourself always looking at them and falling in love all over again
They are the only people in the world that truly understands you
They are the only person you think about when your day is going bad or when you are having a great day
It's that excitement you feel when they have been away from your presence and they are on their way back
It's those stolen kisses that you have when no one is looking
It's experiencing new places to see together
It's creating a routine that only you and your love know and look forward to
It's moments when you touch and it feels like the very first time
It's just letting go and showing them the real you
Allowing that to happen is when it feels like new

Believe It Or Not

When people tell us that we are hard to deal with, maybe it's some truth to that
We tend to think that we were cut from the cloth of holiness and our words are golden and that we just can do no wrong
When you find yourself telling people that every experience you've had with friends ended on a bad note, maybe you need to re-evaluate yourself. One person is understandable, two people is possible, but with every person you've come in contact with can't stand you after getting to know you then Boo Boo the light is shining on you and not them

I can't tell you how many people I've heard state to me that they are great friends but they just keep meeting people that use them or stab them in the back. There aren't too many people in existence that is that loyal, angelic, and honest. A saying my mother use to tell me is,

"I've been stabbed in the back so many times by people, I can't even wear an open back dress!"

There are people that live for drama and just want to be told that they are good and righteous. The sad part is that they are blind to the truth that they are not good people and that they cannot be trusted.

The thing I pride myself in is knowing my flaws and praying to God for the patience and understanding as to fix them and work on them. Changing is never overnight, it is a life long process. So don't fool yourself in believing that it's easy to be one way today and another way tomorrow. The only people that change with the wind are people on medication!

Friendships are special and family-like, so if you truly want to have people that close to you in your life, then stop lying to yourself and be more forthcoming, then and only then will people come to you and accept you for your flaws and all!

No One Wants Me

I had a very interesting conversation with a long distant friend. While talking they just yelled out that no one wanted them. It took me by surprise and then the therapist in me kicked in.

To make an assumption that strong says a lot about how you feel about yourself. He wasn't the first person to say this to me. To even assume that you've met every person in the world is such a joke.

Both people have different issues. The one that stated this to me on the phone is so desperate for love that he will give the first person that shows him attention anything they want. You can never buy someone's affection because as soon as they get what they want they are done with you. The reason being, is that when you start a relationship built around monetary value you have ended any chance for true emotion to take place. People feed off of what you give them. If you approach them with your arms full of gifts, then that's all they see. You have covered your heart with the packages in your arm and you can't blame them for wanting what you give them.

The other person said this to me in a text message. He has a picture of his self half naked with a mask on his face. How do you expect people to see past sex when that's what you are displaying for the world to see. A hoe can never become a lover because a hoe lives for the lust and not the love. When a man views your picture he doesn't see that you have honest eyes, kissable lips, and an innocent smile, he can only see that you have a bulge in your underwear, a nice ass, and lips that could suck the seed out of a grape through a wooden fence.

People love is simple, but we make it difficult. It is up to you how you want someone special to enter your life. You control your destiny and it is in that destiny where you get what you give.

When you state that no one wants you, then when you don't find anyone you get upset, well you only have yourself to blame because the energy that you placed into the universe is pushing potential love interests away and now you're confused as to why no one wants you for the reasons you want them.

Sex is a part of life, but it shouldn't be the leading reason for a connection and it shouldn't be confused for love and affection.

Gifts are a part of a relationship, but it should never be the first thing presented to someone you barely know. It marks the nature of the relationship and that's all you will ever be in that relationship, a gift giver.

Stop tripping over your own feet and start sweeping the dirt that you have covered over your true path in life. It's when we start living for ourselves in our true place in the world that we find the person that we are meant to be with!

Live life and love strong people!

His Eyes Tell The Story

We sit and talk about emotions.
It's crazy moments like that which makes the decision to love him that more relavent.
He tells me his feelings and the entire time I'm looking into his eyes.
Since we've been together he has opened up more and more.
I sit back in total amazement at the progression of our relationship, yet it still feels like there is so much that hasn't been touched.
We are faced with so many different obstacles, yet we manage through by holding closer to each other and believeing in one another.
He wants his feelings to be understood so that there is no doubt in my mind that he is with me forever.
He will take me aside and just hold me without a word.
He will come and lay his head on my chest just to hear my heart beat.
He will take my hand in his and just admire the lines, the smallness of my fingers, and just admire the smoothness of the texture of my skin.
While I sleep I can feel his warmth covering me like the sun on a beautiful spring day.
Before he leaves for the work day he embraces me and kisses me firmly on the lips uttering the words, "I love you"
Once he is gone I am surprised with another note stating his feelings and his wish for me to enjoy my day.
During the day he keeps in contact with me, making sure that I'm all right, making sure that I am eating, making sure that I am relaxing, and most of all making sure that I know he misses me and loves me.
In doing all of this it makes my day, it makes me feel like life could never be better.
He does all of these things because it is who he is. It's not an act, it's not gestures to win me over.
He does all of these things and yet I never have the heart to tell him that his eyes tell the story and words aren't needed, but I am so glad that he chooses to express them to me.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

While He Sleeps

I wonder if he realizes how much I love him
I wonder if he could contemplate the debts of devotion I have for him
As I look at him I see my future
As I hold him I feel such security
As I place a soft but firm kiss upon his lips I share my life force with him
I place my fingers within his and the strength that generates from his makes me feel such comfort
I place my hand over his chest to feel his heart beat
The rhythm and the sound of it calms me
Even his snores create such a sound that it seems like music created just for me
Rubbing my fingers through his hair makes me feel like I can control his thoughts with each stroke
The warmth of his legs on mine blocks of the stubborn cold seeping through the windows
His strong back supports me as I lay across it, the rise and lowering of it makes my eyes fall heavy as if he is hypnotizing me with a dance
There is such peace surrounding him
There is such calm in his movement
There is such wonder as to what is going through his mind
Every once and awhile there is a smile on his face that makes me secretly giggle to myself
It amazes me that there is such a journey into imagination
I feel like I am experiencing so many new things
Just watching him, listening to him, touching him, and loving him while he sleeps

The Reason

After such pain why would I want to walk down the aisle?
After so many disappointments why would I want to keep trying?

It makes me wonder some times what it all means
I see so many people giving up and walking away
No matter what words of wisdom they receive they make up their minds to give it up

I face the fears and the doubts
I know that there are so many things I cannot live without

Why would I walk away from someone that gives so much and asks for so little?

There are symbols used to show love, appreciation, and trust

No symbol is greater than a circle

This symbol means everlasting
It is an ongoing cycle of strength, love, compansionship, friendship, partnership, and promise.

So after receving this symbol I now understand why I wanted to travel this journey again
This is why I want to face the fears and build the future
It is why I give my heart to him without doubt or regret

Once it was placed on my finger my life changed and I never looked back

It is the reason and I don't need convincing anymore.

He Is

He makes me smile
He makes me think
He makes me dance
He makes me melt with his wink

He is my man
He is my angel
He is my husband
He keeps me stable

I loose my mind
I want to cry
He builds me up
He makes me try

He holds my hand
He rubs my feet
He kisses my lips
He makes me weak

He is my dream
He is my pleasure
He makes me forget the past
He makes me want forever

Through all of this he needs me to
For him there is no limitation to what I'll do

I will die for his life
I will sacrifice as if I were his wife
I will stand up for his rights
I will hold his hand to help his fight

He is my love and I cannot exsist without him
He is my life and my heart can't beat without his

Through my journey never have I felt so sure
Throughout my love search never have I fealt something so pure

He is my man
He is my angel
He is my husband
He keeps me stable

And for that I will never leave his side!

I'm Going To Be Happy

Dayum! Just lost my job!
Dayum! Just lost my car!
Fuck! I lost my home!

It's strange though, I am still smiling and I'm still standing. I guess it's because I realize that these things are only temporary. They only serve a purpose for a moment in life.

I look pass what I thought I wanted and hold tight to what I need. A happy life with someone that loves me unconditionally and stands by my side no matter what.

When the road seems a little more bumpy than usual you still focus your eye sight on the purpose of you being on this road. Why fool yourself to believe that it will always be great and wonderful?

I understand my strength now that I need more than when I didn't appreciate it. Blinking during the storm will cause you to miss so much that is important to the transition of change.

I can't promise that I won't get upset, that I won't curse aloud, I can't promise that I won't get angry at my situation from time to time, but what I can guarantee you is the "I'm Going To Be Happy!"

The New Me

Why is it that when you change people start to back away from you?
When you were negative and lost to your own cause there were so many followers and so many supporters.
Once life has started dealing you a winning hand you start to loose those you thought were more important than most.

I guess it means that relationships are only as strong as their purpose and once you change it separates you from those old connections.
I've heard this before in so many different situations, but it speaks so true to us all.

A real friend will stick by you no matter what, a real friend will hold strong to you arm when the storm comes and when it calms.

A fair weather friend only shows up when it is beautiful outside for them. When the clouds start changing in your direction they flee and never look back.

If you have loss friends along the way of your new journey, don't fear the newness of your life. Embrace what is now and forget what was then.

The truth is that once you shed off the past, you shed off the baggage, and if friends fall along with the baggage then maybe that's what they were as well.

Walk proud and free on your new path and remember that you are worth the best and that goes for family and friends!

Keep growing and never look back!