Success is measured by the lives you touch and not the amount of money you make. When you are on the path destined and designed for you, the road ahead seems effortless but the journey isn’t going to be easy. When you think about it realistically, what is good for you is not easy, what is great for you is downright difficult, but not impossible.
Failure doesn’t attack, it’s called. Remember to only speak positivity into the universe in order for you to receive it back. If you had a “Big MaMa” like me then you should know this saying, “Claim it!” Don’t ask someone to tell you what you are worth, what you can do, is this right, is this going to work out, am I a fool to jump into this, etc.
If you want to have a smoother drive, then stop handing the wheel to others. Be the driver, the navigator, the mechanic, and the emissions checker. There are those that will come across your path and will be that extra lift to raise you higher. When you have those people in your presence, open the door and let them in. They will be valuable to not just your future but to their own.
That also falls in line with a relationship. The idea of being with one person for the rest of your life seems terrifying and often times stressful. If you stop looking at it as a life sentence and look at it as it truly is…a God’s gift, you will appreciate the opportunity you have been given and you will understand that God created this person to be in your life so that you never feel alone. There are times when they push your last nerve past the limit. There are moments when it seems like they don’t care about you at all. Those moments when you question why you are together come more often than you can imagine, but you then look at where you were before you met and where you are now…you start understanding that it isn’t negativity between you when things happen that test your relationship, it is life trying you to see if you are truly worthy to be chosen to have someone that is just for you.
Speaking from my own life and my personality, I can at times overlook what is right before me. I tend to expect something to be difficult when it is so simple. Growing up in the sort of life I had, you are prepared for the worst and when things work out without any issues you start to feel uncomfortable because you aren’t use to things just working out. I have been a giver all of my life and the idea of relying on someone else is terrifying to me. As the days, weeks, months, and years go on, I start to feel less and less concerned about controlling the outcome and more concerned with being in the moment.
I deserve love, I deserve gifts, attention, blessings, possibilities, opportunities, second, third, fourth, fifth chances to get it right. We all do. So when you start doubting you and things around you fall apart, remember not to blame others, just pick yourself up, check your image and get it back on track. We fall down and we get up, but it is those special people that have the balance to prevent falling and the heart to ensure those around them don’t fall as well.
The World Beyond My Eyes
Destiny is what you make it
Friday, November 9, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Enough Is Enough
The problem with making promises is that eventually people will hold you to those promises. When you tell someone that you are going to make changes, do better, do more, be more present in the moment, and they come back to you and state that you aren’t doing it…anger at that person should be the last thing you feel. If someone has given you chance after chance to make right what has gone wrong and you don’t make a visible effort to fix it, then you shouldn’t be upset when your words hold no validity at all.
Don’t say that you are going to walk a different path from the one you’ve been walking. The problem you find is when you look down on this “new path” and you see footprints ahead of you…that means that you’re walking right back on the path you promised to detour from. The issue that surfaces with walking the same path is there won’t be anyone walking beside you.
No one should need to request or demand that you do better in a relationship you are a part of. No one should need to wait for you to get your act together when you have vowed to be in the relationship and you’ve accepted the relationship duties. Every day we see how the world changes and that a future isn’t a guarantee anymore, it’s a gift. Do you really want to waste time making empty promises that you are not keeping.
When someone loves you unconditionally, that doesn’t mean that you can give them your ass to kiss and expect them to still love you despite the lack of emotion, dedication, communication, affection, and trust. The person still holding on to the relationship isn’t a fool for holding on, they are just allowing their emotions and feelings to run their full course so that when they finally say that they are done, there won’t be anything left to bring them back.
Sometimes a breakup is more therapeutic than sitting in a room with a third-party trying to teach you how to communicate with the very person you claim to love so much and fear losing. Sometimes the answer is right in front of your face and yet you choose to keep doing what comes natural and easy for you but makes it irritating and horrible for the other person. In the end, it is just selfishness and lazyness.
Don’t say that you are going to walk a different path from the one you’ve been walking. The problem you find is when you look down on this “new path” and you see footprints ahead of you…that means that you’re walking right back on the path you promised to detour from. The issue that surfaces with walking the same path is there won’t be anyone walking beside you.
No one should need to request or demand that you do better in a relationship you are a part of. No one should need to wait for you to get your act together when you have vowed to be in the relationship and you’ve accepted the relationship duties. Every day we see how the world changes and that a future isn’t a guarantee anymore, it’s a gift. Do you really want to waste time making empty promises that you are not keeping.
When someone loves you unconditionally, that doesn’t mean that you can give them your ass to kiss and expect them to still love you despite the lack of emotion, dedication, communication, affection, and trust. The person still holding on to the relationship isn’t a fool for holding on, they are just allowing their emotions and feelings to run their full course so that when they finally say that they are done, there won’t be anything left to bring them back.
Sometimes a breakup is more therapeutic than sitting in a room with a third-party trying to teach you how to communicate with the very person you claim to love so much and fear losing. Sometimes the answer is right in front of your face and yet you choose to keep doing what comes natural and easy for you but makes it irritating and horrible for the other person. In the end, it is just selfishness and lazyness.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Odds are...
Being at odds with what is right and what is necessary can be very confusing at times. You may feel that what is right should be cut and dry with no room for changes or distractions. On the other hand, what is necessary can be painful, sacrificial, and could destroy a lot of what has been built. If you are standing on a crossroads and each destination is tempting and shows sign of reward, you can feel torn…literally torn to make a decision. Keep in mind that no matter what you decide, there will always be the possibility of hurting others, destroying relationships, changing your fate and starting a new life or continuing on a journey that you may have traveled before.
In our lives we are given these choices. At times it isn’t noticeable of how huge the decision we made without realizing it was. It may have become second nature to make decisions because you have accepted the path you are currently on and to stray feels wrong and at times terrifying. I had an interesting conversation with my sister Tiff about this and we both realized how much our lives and our roles in our lives have changed. The great thing about it was that we both didn’t see any negativity with us traveling a different journey.
Though there are people in our family that are going through changes that are new, painful, difficult, confusing, and a bit hurtful. The best way to know if you are living right is when you can put yourself aside to be there for the ones you love. The moment you can stand up when they feel like falling, when you can laugh for them when they cry, when you can curse when they feel to hurt to express anger…being a friend is harder than being a sibling. It isn’t hard because of what the relationship is, it’s hard because you become connected in a way that you were not prepared for and at times your role can change in an instant.
Be true to you, be honest with you, be straight up about who you are and the rest will eventually lay out or at least be visible enough for you to know what to do next. If you are at odds, make a decision that will make you feel happy and closer to your dreams. Just because it can hurt others doesn’t mean you should live a lie for the betterment of other people. If you haven’t before, it’s time for you to live for you.
In our lives we are given these choices. At times it isn’t noticeable of how huge the decision we made without realizing it was. It may have become second nature to make decisions because you have accepted the path you are currently on and to stray feels wrong and at times terrifying. I had an interesting conversation with my sister Tiff about this and we both realized how much our lives and our roles in our lives have changed. The great thing about it was that we both didn’t see any negativity with us traveling a different journey.
Though there are people in our family that are going through changes that are new, painful, difficult, confusing, and a bit hurtful. The best way to know if you are living right is when you can put yourself aside to be there for the ones you love. The moment you can stand up when they feel like falling, when you can laugh for them when they cry, when you can curse when they feel to hurt to express anger…being a friend is harder than being a sibling. It isn’t hard because of what the relationship is, it’s hard because you become connected in a way that you were not prepared for and at times your role can change in an instant.
Be true to you, be honest with you, be straight up about who you are and the rest will eventually lay out or at least be visible enough for you to know what to do next. If you are at odds, make a decision that will make you feel happy and closer to your dreams. Just because it can hurt others doesn’t mean you should live a lie for the betterment of other people. If you haven’t before, it’s time for you to live for you.
Friday, September 28, 2012
A Letter To My Love
Dear Love,
I am actually sitting here laughing to myself about you. The moment I met you I knew that there was something in my life that was missing. Each and every day I grow closer and closer to letting go of that pain from my past. Each day I understand more and more that people are placed in your life for a reason and you are definitely not a season for me. I feel that you are my lifetime.
Being open and honest has always been my personality and being with you, it only makes me understand how important it is for me to stay who I am. Before you, I did for others and neglected myself. I have loss and that loss destroyed the joy in my heart. I never thought that I could laugh, smile, be excited or look forward to tomorrow. I have and will again admit that I burdened you to make right what was wrong in my life. The fears of losing people makes me pressure you to do more, say more, be more than you actually should need to. For that I apologize but as with everything else, I know that I need these experiences to grow through it.
The thought of not seeing you in the morning, talking to you through the day, cuddling with you at night and trying not to choke you while you snore in my ear terrifies me. That fear I have is draining and it can blind me from my blessings. What I am realizing now is that you were created for me, to be in my life, to be by my side, to help me become who I am meant to be.
Your past was paved with living for other people, doing what was expected of you, sacrificing what you wanted and what your heart needed. The thing about your past though, you don’t regret it because it has gifted you with 4 joys that you could not live without. Living that life made you who you are now and I see so much more of you as time goes on. Of course there are still things that need changing but in all honesty I don’t doubt that you will find that change.
I go through my day thinking of how I can thank you for giving me a life where I am no longer chained to my pain, even when we have our moments of disagreement, you show me time and time again that you learn from each of those moments. I now understand where the line is when expressing myself, when the right time is to say the right thing.
We both are still growing but together we grow stronger and I know that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t just for me, it shines for us both. A partnership is as important as family. A lover is needed to heal your soul. A validator is needed to strengthen you. Strong arms are important to give you security. A warm shoulder is necessary when it’s time to just cry. You give me all of these things and more. So as simple as I can say it, thank you.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
I am actually sitting here laughing to myself about you. The moment I met you I knew that there was something in my life that was missing. Each and every day I grow closer and closer to letting go of that pain from my past. Each day I understand more and more that people are placed in your life for a reason and you are definitely not a season for me. I feel that you are my lifetime.
Being open and honest has always been my personality and being with you, it only makes me understand how important it is for me to stay who I am. Before you, I did for others and neglected myself. I have loss and that loss destroyed the joy in my heart. I never thought that I could laugh, smile, be excited or look forward to tomorrow. I have and will again admit that I burdened you to make right what was wrong in my life. The fears of losing people makes me pressure you to do more, say more, be more than you actually should need to. For that I apologize but as with everything else, I know that I need these experiences to grow through it.
The thought of not seeing you in the morning, talking to you through the day, cuddling with you at night and trying not to choke you while you snore in my ear terrifies me. That fear I have is draining and it can blind me from my blessings. What I am realizing now is that you were created for me, to be in my life, to be by my side, to help me become who I am meant to be.
Your past was paved with living for other people, doing what was expected of you, sacrificing what you wanted and what your heart needed. The thing about your past though, you don’t regret it because it has gifted you with 4 joys that you could not live without. Living that life made you who you are now and I see so much more of you as time goes on. Of course there are still things that need changing but in all honesty I don’t doubt that you will find that change.
I go through my day thinking of how I can thank you for giving me a life where I am no longer chained to my pain, even when we have our moments of disagreement, you show me time and time again that you learn from each of those moments. I now understand where the line is when expressing myself, when the right time is to say the right thing.
We both are still growing but together we grow stronger and I know that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t just for me, it shines for us both. A partnership is as important as family. A lover is needed to heal your soul. A validator is needed to strengthen you. Strong arms are important to give you security. A warm shoulder is necessary when it’s time to just cry. You give me all of these things and more. So as simple as I can say it, thank you.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
A Letter To My Heart
Dear Friend,
It’s funny how at first when we met I wasn’t sure I would like you at all. Not because you weren’t a wonderful person, not because you didn’t make me smile, and certainly not because you weren’t a beauty to behold, it was because you were just too damn perky and at the time I met you I wasn’t happy so I didn’t see the amazing person that I see now.
Since I’ve known you, you have brought joy into my life. The love that you show me, the care that you give me, the constant and consistent real love you have for me has brought me through so many dark moments in my life.
You are my spiritual connection and through you I am stronger than ever. You encouraged me to go back to school and wouldn’t let up until I did. Once I started you cheered me on and always told me how proud you were of me.
I know that your past life was different than your present. You went through what most of us go through before finding ourselves. Let me tell you this, who you are now and who you are becoming, is amazement to GOD in all of his splendor. You are a walking testament to what beauty, love, compassion, support, and strength means.
As you accomplish more in your life you do not forget those that love you. No matter what issues drop at your feet, you still walk tall and you always smile. That is the most amazing thing about you. Even when you are at your saddest or lowest point, you smile. That is pure joy and love. You live what you speak and that means far more than most.
You make people want more in life just by standing near you. You make people want to live better just by knowing you. You make people want to love stronger because of how you love. I never forget and will never forget or take for granted the perfect gift GOD has given me. You are enough to make me feel like I’ve accomplished everything I needed to in this lifetime.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
It’s funny how at first when we met I wasn’t sure I would like you at all. Not because you weren’t a wonderful person, not because you didn’t make me smile, and certainly not because you weren’t a beauty to behold, it was because you were just too damn perky and at the time I met you I wasn’t happy so I didn’t see the amazing person that I see now.
Since I’ve known you, you have brought joy into my life. The love that you show me, the care that you give me, the constant and consistent real love you have for me has brought me through so many dark moments in my life.
You are my spiritual connection and through you I am stronger than ever. You encouraged me to go back to school and wouldn’t let up until I did. Once I started you cheered me on and always told me how proud you were of me.
I know that your past life was different than your present. You went through what most of us go through before finding ourselves. Let me tell you this, who you are now and who you are becoming, is amazement to GOD in all of his splendor. You are a walking testament to what beauty, love, compassion, support, and strength means.
As you accomplish more in your life you do not forget those that love you. No matter what issues drop at your feet, you still walk tall and you always smile. That is the most amazing thing about you. Even when you are at your saddest or lowest point, you smile. That is pure joy and love. You live what you speak and that means far more than most.
You make people want more in life just by standing near you. You make people want to live better just by knowing you. You make people want to love stronger because of how you love. I never forget and will never forget or take for granted the perfect gift GOD has given me. You are enough to make me feel like I’ve accomplished everything I needed to in this lifetime.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
A Letter To My Soul Sibling
Dear Friend,
First of all, thank you for being in my life. I look forward to seeing your smile when I walk through those office doors. I say it in so many ways but in all honesty, you don’t realize how wonderful, beautiful, special, and amazing you are to me. We talk everyday and with each conversation I find myself loving you more and more.
You, without even knowing, have single handedly healed my heart from the past and the present hardships I have faced. Your story gives me strength, power, understanding, and purpose. A true gift you are, not only to your family, but to mine as well. This new journey you are headed to, it amazes me at how easy you have started it. At first you feared, doubted, and even almost changed your mind. I see how happy you are with the accomplishments and I see how you understand that there is a reward for your dedication and hard work.
I use to quote, “There are angels right here on earth”, but never have I actually experienced one in real life. Selfish isn’t a part of who you are. Though you say you were in the past, I find that hard to believe. You give of yourself in ways that most people would consider being too giving or to easy. I am not blind to the power you have in you, but I love the vulnerability that you show, you understand that it doesn’t make you less; it makes you more than most.
We are parallel souls and I knew from the moment we met that I would have a lifelong relationship with you. You keep me in line, you keep me focused, you keep me in check, and most importantly, you keep it real. Seeing you happy makes me happy. Seeing you down makes me stronger so that I can be there to lift you up.
You are my life now and forever. You may have already figured out how much I love you, but in case you didn’t know the full extent, I love you as if we were surgically removed from each other’s heart.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
First of all, thank you for being in my life. I look forward to seeing your smile when I walk through those office doors. I say it in so many ways but in all honesty, you don’t realize how wonderful, beautiful, special, and amazing you are to me. We talk everyday and with each conversation I find myself loving you more and more.
You, without even knowing, have single handedly healed my heart from the past and the present hardships I have faced. Your story gives me strength, power, understanding, and purpose. A true gift you are, not only to your family, but to mine as well. This new journey you are headed to, it amazes me at how easy you have started it. At first you feared, doubted, and even almost changed your mind. I see how happy you are with the accomplishments and I see how you understand that there is a reward for your dedication and hard work.
I use to quote, “There are angels right here on earth”, but never have I actually experienced one in real life. Selfish isn’t a part of who you are. Though you say you were in the past, I find that hard to believe. You give of yourself in ways that most people would consider being too giving or to easy. I am not blind to the power you have in you, but I love the vulnerability that you show, you understand that it doesn’t make you less; it makes you more than most.
We are parallel souls and I knew from the moment we met that I would have a lifelong relationship with you. You keep me in line, you keep me focused, you keep me in check, and most importantly, you keep it real. Seeing you happy makes me happy. Seeing you down makes me stronger so that I can be there to lift you up.
You are my life now and forever. You may have already figured out how much I love you, but in case you didn’t know the full extent, I love you as if we were surgically removed from each other’s heart.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
A Letter To A Warrior
Dear Friend,
It pains me to see you going through what you are going through right now. As much as I wish I could erase what you are experiencing, I know that you must go through it in order to become stronger. I see you getting things in order, I see you thinking about you and your future, I see you smiling effortlessly, and I see you feeling the strength growing within you.
I am your support and your shoulder, but you already know that. It is important for me to tell you how proud I am of you and where you are headed and what you have survived. You are a true inspiration to people our age struggling through and not understanding our purpose in life. I see a lesson being formed with every action and every decision by you. Though the pain you feel is real, you do not allow it to own you and that must be commended.
The life you are walking away from has blessed you with gifts that no one and no situation can take away. You are still standing, you are still moving, you are still growing, and most importantly you are still you. Never lose the glow that makes everyone around you shine in reflection. Never doubt the possibilities because to be honest, a lot of us shouldn’t be here today but for some reason we are and that is all that matters.
Lastly my friend, don’t look back and label this person as your ex, label them your experience. They have taught you a lot and not only about them, but about you. Be still with your heart and allow the beating to create a song, a rhythm just for you. Follow that beating and make your new life musical and joyous. You know I love you, but you know the importance for people to always say how they feel.
-Love Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
It pains me to see you going through what you are going through right now. As much as I wish I could erase what you are experiencing, I know that you must go through it in order to become stronger. I see you getting things in order, I see you thinking about you and your future, I see you smiling effortlessly, and I see you feeling the strength growing within you.
I am your support and your shoulder, but you already know that. It is important for me to tell you how proud I am of you and where you are headed and what you have survived. You are a true inspiration to people our age struggling through and not understanding our purpose in life. I see a lesson being formed with every action and every decision by you. Though the pain you feel is real, you do not allow it to own you and that must be commended.
The life you are walking away from has blessed you with gifts that no one and no situation can take away. You are still standing, you are still moving, you are still growing, and most importantly you are still you. Never lose the glow that makes everyone around you shine in reflection. Never doubt the possibilities because to be honest, a lot of us shouldn’t be here today but for some reason we are and that is all that matters.
Lastly my friend, don’t look back and label this person as your ex, label them your experience. They have taught you a lot and not only about them, but about you. Be still with your heart and allow the beating to create a song, a rhythm just for you. Follow that beating and make your new life musical and joyous. You know I love you, but you know the importance for people to always say how they feel.
-Love Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
Priceless
In relationships people tend to forget what it takes to make it work. Once you’ve made a commitment to one another you stick to that commitment. When decisions are being made, there should be a conversation had and understood between the two people in the relationship. We allow time to go by without taking full appreciation for the time that we have. No one in life knows when they will be called to the next evolution of existence, yet we put off very important conversations and expressions. You aren’t here forever and once you really understand what that means you may cherish each moment you wake up.
When you love you must love hard and strong. If the other person feels that they aren’t being loved enough, it isn’t always because you don’t love them; it could be that you aren’t in the moment as you should be. Sometimes it is as simple as taking them by the hand and holding them. It could be as romantic as just grabbing them up and dancing to a melodic hum while they melt into your arms. Romance, respect, love, appreciation, validation, and understanding aren’t marked with price tags. As powerful as these needs are, they are free but priceless.
When you love you must love hard and strong. If the other person feels that they aren’t being loved enough, it isn’t always because you don’t love them; it could be that you aren’t in the moment as you should be. Sometimes it is as simple as taking them by the hand and holding them. It could be as romantic as just grabbing them up and dancing to a melodic hum while they melt into your arms. Romance, respect, love, appreciation, validation, and understanding aren’t marked with price tags. As powerful as these needs are, they are free but priceless.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Void
There is this place we go emotionally when we have experienced very traumatic things in our lives. It isn’t a place that you notice right away, it isn’t a place you could explain because when you’re there you aren’t aware of it. This unknown and indescribable place is a place I am in from time to time. It is hard to explain but I will give it a shot.
When people you love the most in the world are taken from you, there are spaces in your soul that go unattended. You grieve, you go through your cycle, but you never truly capture acceptance. When I am in that space I feel the extremes of my emotions. If you are close to me and you do the slightest thing that would normally be brushed off, it actually hurts more. Instantly my response is to shut down, shut you out; make you so fed up with me that you disconnect from me. In doing that, in that moment, I feel like I’m protecting myself from losing you. When we are getting along, the smallest gesture is a feeling of winning the lottery. It could be just the fact that you hugged me, remembered something I said, making me coffee, etc.
You start to feel stronger in areas but the stronger you become the more emotional you are. Where you wouldn’t cry often at all, you cry all the time. Where a moment of fun and laughter was great, it is now so amazing you don’t want the moment to stop. At the end of the night while in bed you face the ultimate fear…death and it sits at your bedside staring you right in your eyes. Your body begins to heat up and your heart races, you have that flash of darkness and you can’t feel anything, you can’t see anything, there isn’t anyone there to grab you, for that moment you feel death taking you. As soon as it starts, it goes away. You lay there wondering what in the hell is going on with me? Why am I not free from this grief? Why am I so terrified at the inevitable?
I call it “The Void”. As I am typing this I am starting to understand it more. It isn’t necessarily death; it is the emptiness that remains when you experience loss. In actuality there will never be anyone to ever fill those places in your soul because the people that are no longer there cannot be replaced. The fear you have is that you actually are trying to forget them; you are placing people in your life to cover the emptiness. When you snap, it’s your subconscious attacking you for attempting to move on and move forward.
If this doesn’t make sense, it’s probably because death and loss doesn’t make sense. We are told about the life cycle, how everything must meet its end, how things happen for a reason, but no one explains what happens to you individually after you’ve gotten to “acceptance”. We are all wired differently, advice on this magnitude is useless because you could never truly understand what that person experiences daily after such a tragedy. Losing my father, brother, mother, lover, cousins, friends, etc changed me and as much as I would love to believe that I am stronger and I am able to make it through it, the truth is, I am still that son, that brother, that cousin, that friend…wishing I could still have that title in the living world and not just in memories. One day I will face the void again, but this time I will not fear it, I will make an attempt to understand it.
When people you love the most in the world are taken from you, there are spaces in your soul that go unattended. You grieve, you go through your cycle, but you never truly capture acceptance. When I am in that space I feel the extremes of my emotions. If you are close to me and you do the slightest thing that would normally be brushed off, it actually hurts more. Instantly my response is to shut down, shut you out; make you so fed up with me that you disconnect from me. In doing that, in that moment, I feel like I’m protecting myself from losing you. When we are getting along, the smallest gesture is a feeling of winning the lottery. It could be just the fact that you hugged me, remembered something I said, making me coffee, etc.
You start to feel stronger in areas but the stronger you become the more emotional you are. Where you wouldn’t cry often at all, you cry all the time. Where a moment of fun and laughter was great, it is now so amazing you don’t want the moment to stop. At the end of the night while in bed you face the ultimate fear…death and it sits at your bedside staring you right in your eyes. Your body begins to heat up and your heart races, you have that flash of darkness and you can’t feel anything, you can’t see anything, there isn’t anyone there to grab you, for that moment you feel death taking you. As soon as it starts, it goes away. You lay there wondering what in the hell is going on with me? Why am I not free from this grief? Why am I so terrified at the inevitable?
I call it “The Void”. As I am typing this I am starting to understand it more. It isn’t necessarily death; it is the emptiness that remains when you experience loss. In actuality there will never be anyone to ever fill those places in your soul because the people that are no longer there cannot be replaced. The fear you have is that you actually are trying to forget them; you are placing people in your life to cover the emptiness. When you snap, it’s your subconscious attacking you for attempting to move on and move forward.
If this doesn’t make sense, it’s probably because death and loss doesn’t make sense. We are told about the life cycle, how everything must meet its end, how things happen for a reason, but no one explains what happens to you individually after you’ve gotten to “acceptance”. We are all wired differently, advice on this magnitude is useless because you could never truly understand what that person experiences daily after such a tragedy. Losing my father, brother, mother, lover, cousins, friends, etc changed me and as much as I would love to believe that I am stronger and I am able to make it through it, the truth is, I am still that son, that brother, that cousin, that friend…wishing I could still have that title in the living world and not just in memories. One day I will face the void again, but this time I will not fear it, I will make an attempt to understand it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Where I Am Now
It is a Friday and I am at my desk looking into the day ahead
I find it funny how we can be in the moment but not actually there in the moment
I would normally find that to be the wrong insight but after so many obstacles and changes I've experienced, I now understand why that is
We are in the moment and truly want to participate in it, but there is a part of us that we can't even hold in one place for too long
The human brain has abilities that we have yet to fully discover
So in that instance why are we questioning what our brains do, which is what comes natural
You will be amazed at what is stored in your mind
At the moments when quiet is all you have...embrace it, appreciate it, and learn from it
We tend to talk so much that we forget that it is within the quiet we find our answers, our purpose, our direction...
If you are around people that talk and talk with no pause button, then maybe you should instruct them to take a break or remove yourself from that circle
If you find yourself sitting and everything around you constantly stays in motion, the noises continue, people are doing what they do, but you cannot be distracted from your mind set...that is the moment to relish in
I use to feel bad when on dates I couldn't give him my entire focus
I felt that I was rude when someone was telling a story and I instantly went into my mind putting together and taking apart what I'd just heard
I now understand that there are thinkers and there are talkers
It is rare for people to process thought to conversation thoroughly but it is possible
I enjoy the journey of the mind because it is endless, it is constant, it is amazing, and it is me
Where I am now, life has more for me to learn
Where I am now, I see people for who they truly are
Where I am now, I know that I am in love with the right person
Where I am now, I know that I love me better than anyone ever could but appreciate the fact that he is neck and neck with the love I have for me
Where I am now, the future is mine and I owe no one anything
Where I am now...can't really give you a closed answer because my journey has just started
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Grow Up
The path to destruction is typically created by the very person that feels their life has fallen apart and refuses to take any accountability for their actions. It is very true that horrible things happen to good people, but it also stands that great things happen to those that don’t deserve it. There are people walking this earth just trying to survive with as little as they have but their passion for success is larger than life. There are people that get things so easily that they wouldn’t know how to make it if their silver spoon suddenly tarnished. To see someone in pain and in need, to see someone trying their best to survive, yet you still hold a grudge or you still view them as they may have been before now only makes you worse off than them. Eventually their season will come and you will be faced with that darkness, will you be mature enough to admit you were wrong when you should have been right? Will you take your pride, set it aside and open your heart to the lessons you can learn? The darkness is placed over our lives in order to see how much we truly have changed, grown, matured, and learned. With happiness comes a level of sadness and tragedy, the ability to see the separation but to understand that one can’t exist without the other is a true sign of growth. You are never too old to learn, you can be too stubborn to listen.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
A Moment To Vent
In all my years of living I have attempted to always try to take the high road when I am pressed up against the ropes in any given situation. It just amazes me at how the most ignorant, idiotic, simple minded, unhappy, waste of space, no clue having, need a serious makeover looking, spineless, immoral, back stabbing, bottom feeding, back sliding, cowardly individuals are placed in positions of power and lack the most important aspect of being a manager or leader…the ability to lead. I have witnessed some very pathetic acts of cowardly behaviors that have just left me numb and disappointed. I often drift off in deep thought thinking about the purpose we are created and the purpose of us being placed in this world and having to face this type of bull crap on a regular basis. I am pretty sure that everyone has a destiny and everyone has a purpose. Just because they may not recognize it, that doesn’t mean they don’t have one. I have tried my damndest to be professional, I think before I speak, I ask advice before sharing my feelings, and I always want to place my feet in the shoes of the person I am about to approach so that I can get a better understanding of why they did what they did, said what they said, or didn’t say or do what they claimed they would. The place I am now is a place I’ve never imagined being in. I am at the point of being so fed up I am actually wondering, “What in the hell am I doing here?” I am trying my best to look through all that I see and all that I am dealing with. The more time I spend trying to do the right thing the angrier I get when my works are being taken for granted and disrespected. I am so fed up I feel like I could just implode. I know better and I was raised better than to let ignorant and insignificant individuals get the best of me and rip me from my purpose. I just need to remind myself at times that just because you have been given a title or a responsibility, it doesn’t mean you have earned it or if you are even worthy of it, hell, if you are even good at it. I see that there is fear of someone better than you stepping in and out shining you, so you will try every trick you can muster to make that person slip up. Venting is truly a blessing to get those moments of anger out of your system so that you can jump right back on that bike and peddle your ass off to reach your goal! Now that I have vented I will put on my protective gear, jump on my bike, and peddle this 10 speed until the damn wheels bust!!!! So if you are not with me then you are against me, if you are against me then I advise you to get the hell out of my way!!!!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
To Chris from Greg
They say that if you speak it into existence then it will be. So I put this out into the universe, “I pray that the rest of my life keeps me with the man I am with today. I pray that we get the opportunity to live out the remainder of our lives together, being happy, learning, growing, experiences, laughing, crying, fighting, making up, and exploring with one another. I pray that I get to see him through his trials and tribulations; I pray that I can always be his safe haven in times of distress and pain. I want to be his angel that guides him throughout his day keeping him safe and protected from the world. I want him to be my partner when we are blessed to have more children. I want to share that experience of being a father with him. I want to get to the point in life when I forget so much because I’m old as hell and he remembers. I want to be able to play songs that remind us loving times when we are going through our downs. I want to wake up every moment to see him beside me (snoring loud as hell) snuggled and sleeping peacefully. I want to be his comforter when he feels the cold of the world. I want him to call me first when there is heaviness on his mind. When that day the world as we know it is over, I pray that there is truly an afterlife and we can live forever entwined in love and happiness. With his love I never fear, with his love I never doubt, with his love and I strong, with his love I am not without. For when others let me down, hurt me, lie on me, treat me unfairly, and do not give me what I deserve…I know that anything coming from him is genuine and authentic because it is all just for me. I have been a rock for myself for so long and now I can feel the weight of the woes falling from my heart and mind. I use to have a job to care for others more than myself, now I have no time to because he cares for me as much as he does. He can balance loving his family, his kids, and his friends while loving me abundantly. No matter the moment, we are love, no matter the situation, we are solution, no matter the obstacle, and we are victorious. Love isn’t given easily but it can be received. Trust is difficult to give out and rebuild, but once it’s there, nothing can change the purpose of the love you have built. December 12th 2009 I gave my heart to Christopher M. Watkins Sr. but the first time I saw him he already had my soul.
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