The Right Change...

It's really a trip when you make decisions to change your life. There are those people that are true "Ride or Die" and then there are those that blindside you with things you didn't know. Like people telling you that they wanted to be with you, people not agreeing with your life choices, or just people trying to rain on your parade.

Whatever happened to people just being happy for you? Whatever happened to a strong support system? Life is difficult enough without having those around you trying to weigh you down and destroy your happiness with their misery.

Keep at bay that which would bring down the joy you seek. Take a moment to re-evaluate those around you. Often times we collect people in our lives because they need us more than we need them. If you are a nurturer, a provider, a healer, a giver, or just an all-around genuine person you will be tested and even taken for granted.

Unfortunately beautiful people attract all sorts of people and it's often difficult to weed out the ones not deserving of our nurturing spirit. So if you are in a place of transition in your life and you are beginning to figure out or even beginning to second guess your inner circle, chances are you have those types of people and you need to follow your instinct to part ways from them.

Never allow their negativity to trigger you becoming negative in retaliation to them. Don't give them your power, instead, use your power to maybe enlighten them on how you should respect and cherish when you have been blessed to have such an amazing person in their life. Maybe that act will change them from the inside and they may one day walk the walk of true and genuine existence.

It's All On You

Ask yourself these questions…
Are you worth the risk?
Are you worth the sacrifice?
Are you the one that can impact someone’s life?
Can you truly give your heart to someone without holding back?
Can you be transparent?
Can you be there through it all?
Can you take someone as they are without exception?
Can you be their protector, their soldier, their knight in shining armor?

It’s not as simple as just saying yes and trying to convince love interest that you are all of these things. The best way to answer these questions isn’t by words but by actions. Love is a beautiful thing, but without showing your love…it’s merely a word. So many of us put our fears as restrictions of what we won’t tolerate or deal with. It’s easier to come off as being picky and not to show that we are broken and scared of being hurt again.

Face that pain that has you in that place. You aren’t meant to live alone if in your heart you truly want love. God designed you and created your other half. It’s difficult for them to find you or for you to see them if you are blinded by fear and pain.
To those people that try to sabotage other people’s relationships, I say to you, get your own house in order before trying to critique and diminish what they have built and are building together. Chances are you could be missing out on happiness because you are too wrapped up in your own bitterness.

Enough is Enough

If someone approached you right now and asked you, “Who are you and what are you doing to leave a legacy?”
What would be your answer? Tough questions or do you have an answer?

We tend to exist just to be here with no purpose. Something interesting happened to someone close to my heart yesterday. Someone in his family felt it necessary to call a pastor and have the pastor come to his house to “Pray the gay away.”
What always amazes me with situations like this is the fact that people automatically want to assume that we are evil and are cheering for Satan’s return just because we live our lives free from the proverbial closet. It’s that type of mentality that causes such a rift in our society and wrecks our culture as people.

Regardless of your skin tone, your choice in life, your choice in friends, your choice in hobbies or habits…you are free to do whatever the hell you choose to do. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. It’s when you decide to go after others when you don’t agree with who they are and what they do when it has nothing to do with you.

I am in a family with Christians and they live by the word and for the word. I see their transformation firsthand and not once have they treated me any differently. It’s because a true child of God knows not to cast a stone and speak for God. If God actually has an issue with who I love, I am pretty sure that he is more than capable of addressing me in a way that I would understand and respect.

“Bible Thumpers” are people that get a menial portion of something that they consider the word and run around thumping everyone that they believe live against what they believe they understand. Once you begin to go toe to toe with them (Like my Nugget did to someone that challenged him on the Bible yesterday) they end up submitting and just stating the obvious, “God is the one that can judge you, not me.”
With all that we have going on in the world today, our youth are dying, police are becoming public enemy number one, our babies are still being taken and brutalized, yet you still want to attack us for being us. There are ignorant ass people wanting to protest Robin William’s funeral because he portrayed a gay man in a hilarious movie, “Bird Cage.”

This is the trifling world that we live in. You want to be heard but you refuse to listen. You want to be seen but refuse to open your eyes. You won’t change us and you damn sure can’t say that you’re better than us because we aren’t on a campaign to change everyone gay; we just want to live our lives. You on the other hand make it your daily and nightly mission to try to destroy us as a people. If your “Bible” teaches you to make someone hate themselves and feel ashamed to live, then I will stick to my personal relationship with my God and I will leave you to continue dancing with the devil.

This is me...

From so much in my past I have survived
I stand before the world a real strong, gay, black man
I know what it’s like to have a large family, a love of your life, and fun all the time
I know what it’s like to have that all broken apart
Watching the life you once cherished being shattered
People that you love and cherish are no longer with you
The love of your life now gone and you’re standing there all alone
A family that once was large has now been wrecked with loss and tragedy
It is no way to prepare for so much in such a short period of time
No matter how old you are, when you bury both of your parents you feel like an orphan
Being in love for 9 ½ years only to come home to find him gone…lifeless
You feel helpless, hopeless, angry, terrified, and lost
No words of comfort can aid you
No ideas of fun can distract you
You are in a dark place
The darkness becomes all you know
Then there is a bit of light
You fall in love again only to have that love fall apart
You end up alone once again
The heart becomes immune to happiness, excitement, joy, and the love of family
For several years I existed but didn’t live
I stood with people but felt invisible
Being surrounded by laughter I smiled but didn’t feel joy
Being told tragic news felt normal and uneventful
Now I feel a change in the wind
I see the light at the end of a very dark and narrow tunnel
I am surrounded by the same family with love and promise
My heart has healed from a new love and a new future
My pain has dripped from my body like sweat in the Atlanta heat
I now know why the caged bird sings and I have songs for the world to hear
Know that your journey never stops
Know that each moment you experience life and survive; it only strengthens your soul armor and gives you the courage to keep fighting through
Once you grasp the cycle of life never take for granted the many difficulties you have yet to face
Never give in but always strive to win

After the scare...

As I lay across the bed I could still feel the pressure and pain around my neck. I started getting flashbacks from the attack. I couldn’t believe that the man I loved would be able to do that to me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t cry, and I couldn’t utter a word. The look in his eyes, the power in his hands, it was as if he wanted my life to end at that very moment.

How could a harmless argument reach to that explosion? What could I have said or done to make him view me as something and not someone? Just this morning we made love and it was as passionate as it’d always been. Afterwards we would lie together and just look into each other’s eyes. It was as if we were blending our souls. Those are moments I cannot get enough of. They are moments that fuel me through my hardest of days and times.

Now here I am holding my throat and wondering what else is coming. He immediately stopped, stared at me, and then he ran out of the room. I could hear him sobbing as he fumbled for his keys. The door slammed behind him with such force I could feel the gust of wind in the bedroom which is at the other end of the apartment. This isn’t the man I love. This can’t be the man that just told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

Before I could get out of bed I saw my phone light up. I slowly reached for it only to find his picture on the screen. As soon as I saw his face I began to feel the pressure and pain around my neck again. Do I dare speak with him after such a violent display? What would I say to him? What could he possibly say to me? I fought past my worries and fears; I clicked on the answer button.

Me: “Hello…” I said as soft as I could. My throat was on fire.
Ryan: “Help me…”

The Proposal

He asked me for my hand and instantly my heart started to race. “Am I ready for this step?” is what I was thinking but my heart was screaming aloud “YES! YES! YES!” Some would call me crazy for falling in love so quickly, but others know me to be a person that follows their feelings and not their thoughts…much less the opinions of others.

Don’t get me wrong I understand that you must think through things before making a conscience decision, but when it feels right it just moves you to decide quicker. I looked at him and smiled, I could feel the intensity in his body…he was waiting for my response. I didn’t want to answer too quickly and then I didn’t want to take too long.

I thought over our relationship, all of the things that led to this moment. When we initially met it was as if we’d known one another forever. I couldn’t envision how my life was before he came into it. I know it all sounds cliché but he feels like my lifelong love. What would be the big deal with accepting his marriage proposal? If I love him like I do now, why would I fear taking that final step with him?
Then fear crept back into my heart. What if I say yes and this changes everything between us? What if we are fine the way we are? Would I be making a huge mistake by changing what has made us happy thus far?

I looked down at the ring; I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I looked up at him and saw that he was already tearing up and trying to be strong. It felt like he’d already known my answer before I did. I couldn’t contain the anticipation any longer. I wiped the tears from my eyes, took his hand and placed it on my heart and said…

Praise Manhood

I am feeling so down…here he comes to lift me up
I am so pissed off…here he comes to listen to me vent
I am so lost right now…here he comes to grab my hand and guide me
I am so cold right now…here he comes to warm me up
I am starving…here he comes to feed me
I am lonely…here he comes to keep me company
I give up…here he comes to tell me to step up, be strong, and stop whining
In all the above scenarios, what’s missing? It can’t be all about you
There has to be an equal balance of support, partnership, and love
When you find a man that gives you all and you just take, you are wasting a true blessing in your life
There are men that love to give and never care to receive
There are men that just want to see you happy despite their happiness
Those are admirable qualities but the truth of the matter is everyone deserves to receive
Don’t take advantage of a beautiful heart
Instead… nourish it, praise it, glorify it, and acknowledge it
Let him know that he is “The Prize”
Show him that what he does for you isn’t taken for granted
Put him on high to the point he can almost see GOD eye to eye
Love that man until there is no meaning behind the word
Love him until the world starts to feel jealous at the attention he receives for being a good man

Tracks of my tears...

Tears are powerful
They could mean that you’re sad
They could mean that you’re happy
They could mean that you’re confused
They could mean that you’re scared
They could mean that you’re tired
Whatever draws tears from your eyes is important in that moment
So often we try to hide what’s going on inside of us
We play off serious situations by making silly jokes
We mask our pain with anger to hide the fact that we’re hurting
We mask our vulnerability with confidence to protect ourselves
No matter what you try to do, your tell is your tears
Try working with the emotions instead of fighting them
Try expressing what’s going on inside instead of trying to redirect people from the truth
It’s so much easier to just be transparent than to try to be complex
In the end your complexity only leaves you alone, broken, and afraid
Sometimes a good cry makes it all better and allows someone to step in where they’re needed

Love

It’s a serious decision
It’s a deeper connection
It’s a life altering addition
It’s a fear of change
It’s a fear of falling
It’s an amazing idea
It’s a beautiful surprise
It’s an annoying situation
It’s the constant flow of tears from your eyes
So many takes on the same thing will drive you crazy or insane
Listening to others won’t give you the truth behind falling in love
Everyone is different so that means their experience will be also
If he’s standing in front of you offering his heart but all you can think about is what other people told you about this moment…chances are it isn't him that’s not ready, it’s you
Life is short and before you know it, life is done
Do you really want to be standing alone trying to be so overly cautious?
Do you really want to be standing alone crying to everyone about the impossibility of love?
So many people trash the idea of love
So many people give you their take on it
I would have you take a moment to really think for yourself
Love isn't the problem, it’s the connection
It takes you and the other person to make it work
So stop being a follower and become a leader of your own heart
If you happen to get hurt…so what! That’s life! You learn and you keep it moving
Don’t be left behind when love is all around you

He

As he sleeps I watch him quietly
The way he breathes
The way he twitches his nose
That funny face he makes
Then that moment when he feels for me and once he feels my body he smiles and drifts back to sleep
He is my everything
He is my anything
He is the one that makes me smile from the inside
That glow you see isn’t from me alone
He thinks of me often and never lets me forget it
Text messages just to say “I love you” or “Thinking about you baby”
Of the gifts that life can bring, it’s amazing how someone that never knew me before suddenly knows me more than anyone
He ensures that I never second-guess myself
He becomes upset when I forget how special I am
When I feel like falling down, he uses his strong arms to embrace me
When I feel like giving up he fuels me with encouragement
He’s more than my friend, my man, my Boo, my shoulder, my ear, the voice of reason
He is the very fabric of life and what he does to my soul is indescribable

Just Venting...

I have come to the conclusion that in life you come to the end of the road with people. It can be family, your mate, a friend, or an associate. When you realize that you’ve done all that you can and they still can’t appreciate you, you got to cut them off. When you are focused on trying to make a relationship work with people at the expense of ruining your relationship with others, you are doing yourself a disservice and it’s time to change that. Know in your heart that you’ve done your part and you are merely fed up with being used and taken for granted. No more feeling guilty about the decisions you’ve made, just move on and live your life. There are people in your life that have been there for you and will continue to be there for you. If you have dropped the ball on those relationships, acknowledge it and then fix it. Keep the ones around you that love and respect you. Cut off the ones that may love you but just don’t appreciate you. Just as their lives are important to them, so should your life be important to you. I make that vow to myself and I pray that God will touch my intentions and cover them with his blessings. I do not do anything out of hate or anger, I do what I do out of love. So when I’ve done enough, there isn’t much more for me to prove to anyone.

Also, if you’ve chosen a path to walk with God that means you must acknowledge your previous walk. You can’t treat people as if they are dispensable to you and then expect them to just go with the flow. If God is putting on your heart to change and do the right thing, the right thing will make you humble and strong enough to face the decisions that you’ve made over the years. You always face what you’ve done in order to learn from it and become a better person. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you are free from your wrongs, it means that you are ready to face them so that you can be delivered from them. I never claim to be a perfect individual or even a Christian but I know enough to walk the walk and show who I am by what I do and not just what I say. I learned that from living and facing my decisions, not getting a degree online.

Listening and Learning

As important as it is to speak your mind
It is equally important to listen carefully to what is being said to you
We at times are so ready to say what we need to say
In those moments we aren't allowing our ears to work for us
There isn't always a wrong and right
There are moments when you can reach a compromise to agree to disagree
It's in that moment you can see how mature you truly are
The ability to take in what someone feels and accept it despite the fact that it doesn't agree with what you feel, is a true sign of maturity
We can be a little selfish in our thinking and in our beliefs
Sharing your feelings with someone that has different ideals and a different outlook can be fruitful for the both of you
Allow someone to give you their interpretation of any giving situation
That gives you an opportunity to step outside of your own comfort zone
Standing on your soap box only gives you a view that is solely yours
However, the world doesn't operate on the vision of you alone
In that thinking you will be able to receive and respect other people's differences and build a stronger connection to people in general
We all want to be heard and at times we just want to sit back and listen
Learn to do both when the time is right
You'll be surprised as to how many people will enjoy talking to you

The Rain

It's a rainy day
The sounds of the rain hits your roof, windows, porch, and grounds
It's soothing and it's calming
You sit there staring outside
While you stare you feel emotions running through you like air
The calm relaxes you enough for you to think
Your mind clears
Your worries, doubts, anxieties, fears, and concerns seem to wash away like the dirt from the rain water
As that happens you become aware of a clarity
You start to think about what you should do, over something you decided that turned out badly or just not the way you intended
That decision could be a friend, lover, job, action or thought
No matter what it is, the rain has calmed you enough to make a decision that could change your life
Think about that for a moment...
Something as ordinary as rain falling has got you thinking about life
Something that you see all the time and may never have taken the time to pay attention to has such a powerful influence over you
Is it the rain that has you this way?
Is it the sounds that have made you contemplate?
Or is it just you finally taking the time to listen to yourself for change?
Maybe the rain stopped you from running out in the streets to distract you from thinking
Maybe the rain is a force that makes you slow down long enough to do some self evaluation and inventory
Whatever the case, you are thinking things through now
Don't waste this moment trying to get out of dealing with something that obviously requires your attention
To make it simpler, just accept the rain and the power behind it
Just stay seated and listen to it
Take in the soothing sensation
Go back into your mind and work out what needs to be worked out
Some times it's better just to deal and not try to understand

LIVE!!!!!!

It doesn't matter at what point you figure it out
It just matters that you get it
There are so many life lessons to take in and at times it can seem overwhelming or impossible to know enough to survive the world
The world its self can be very intimidating
You go through most of your life unaware of what's out there
Then you spend the rest of your life trying to merely survive what you've discovered
People aren't any different
You meet people and for the most part they have nothing but good intentions
Then again there are those "other people" that are out to get something from you or simply to just get you
If you have met those "other people" you start to make it almost impossible for anyone to get close to you again
In some ways that's a good way to be
In other ways it only gives the power of who you are or would become to those that hurt you
Never give your power of self to someone that didn't deserve it anyway
Don't beat yourself up about the past
There isn't anything left for you to try to do about what has been done
You just learn from it and apply what you've learned to your future
When people come into your life after you've dealt with the past, you are more in-tuned with the signs that let you know what this person's intentions truly are
You get a sense of what people are and who they are
Gathering this information helps you pick the right people to be in your life
When you think about it, it's all a learning experience
So why would you fear anything?
Why would you dare to push yourself out there?
At some point the four walls that you hide behind will need to come down
Trying to stay protected is only a sure way of being hurt in the long run
The only way a child can become immune to germs and other worldly ailments is if they go out into the world to allow their bodies to develop what it needs to strengthen its self
So why is it not the same when it comes to life in general
Stop scaring yourself into a hole and start building more room for more life
When it's all said and done, you can say that you've done it all