How I Became Me Chapter 42

Life in Review Looking back at my younger years, my growing up, my figuring out my identity, the ups, the downs, the love, the loss, the happy moments, the times I cried, the times I was strong, and the times I fell apart. No matter what I’ve faced there was always this light in my heart that made me believe that there was more to what I could merely see and expect. I took accountability of my actions, my decisions, my attempts to do right and the moments I decided, “The hell with it!” No matter what, I remained filled with hope even when I didn’t want people to see that part of me. Growing up in Aiken South Carolina has taught me a lot and it has groomed me for a future filled with gifts for my never wavering belief that there is a higher power watching over me and loving despite of my flaws, my faults, my doubts, and my fears. I have made several decisions over time that I reneged on and then there were decisions I quickly changed my mind on because there was something that felt wrong about the steps I almost took. Growing up I always thought that family would be the strongest bond the world could ever offer. I felt that growing up with so many siblings was a gift from GOD to assure that none of us ever felt alone, ever felt that we wouldn’t be respected, that we couldn’t be loved because we were different from other people, and supported throughout our development and levels of growth. As far back as I can remember I have lived to an expectation that I placed for myself because of the thought that I needed to shine brighter to be seen and loved for me and not just for what I could do for people. I feared life outside of my home and people outside of my family. For several years my friendships suffered because I felt they would separate me from my family and as a child I said several times, “Family comes first and everyone other than family is secondary.” Now that I am 36 years old and life has really sat me in the front seat of a huge 18 wheeler truck that was headed down a mountain hitting every rock, opening, crater, and mud slide possible. I wake up every morning and for an instance I see my past but now I no longer allow it to linger. I felt trapped by my life before and there was this bizarre horror of disappointing any and everyone in my life. I was at a point where I was stretched so thin that I couldn’t be whole to anyone and I had nothing left in me to offer. Love, relationship, commitment, future life, rings, vows, children, dream home, dream car, vacations…all of these things seemed to be a dream of a child still sitting on the couch starring out of the window picturing a world that never really existed. I was born into a role I was not aware of and mentally not ready for. My mother told me time and time again that I was, “The heart of the family” and before I was old enough to understand that role, I felt privileged that my mother saw something so special in me and it seemed that she picked me to be someone strong, dependable, sincere, trusting, the glue to hold everyone together, and the heart that never turned his back to his loved ones in need. The day I got the call about my mother’s passing, that role disappeared. You see…my mother saw that I was stronger than I was allowing people to see. She knew that her strength, her belief in family, her undying forgiving heart was passed on to me from her. Because there were so many siblings in need she never got the opportunity to show me what it took to walk the life of that role. I did the best that I could with what I was given. I turned the other cheek to several episodes in my life that other people would have flipped out on or turned their back on. There is a thin line between hate and independence. When you reach a point of your life when you decide that you must live without the role attached to you, there is a moment where that path becomes dark and you won’t let a soul enter your new found freedom. It is so easy to become bitter, resentful, angry, and selfish. You may feel that everyone around you deserves the most of your anger because they took the most of your light. You find yourself drifting deeper and deeper into this notion and no turning back is the only decision that surfaces your mind. The day I realized that I’d found the darkest of places was when I felt the need to turn away from everyone and everything that I couldn’t trust and I couldn’t rely on. I closed my heart, my eyes, my ears, and most of all, I closed my soul. I was no longer walking in a path of love, support, dedication, trust, and family. I felt that my family destroyed any chance for redemption and in some way I wanted them to hurt just as badly as I hurt. When that place was discovered I knew that I’d not only taken a wrong turn, I fell so deep and didn’t know how far I’d fallen. In that place of endless angry and pain I forgot the joys of life. I forgot about the things that made me happy because I stopped doing them. I had no friends in my life because I’d cut ties from outside people. I had no lover to love me because death had taken away someone I was learning to love all over again. It seemed that I was destined to walk alone in misery, and the only emotion that would expose its self from my heart was angry. I felt betrayed, disrespected, and overlooked. The very happiness I lived for was taken from me and I was left with the very people I felt could never love me as much as I loved them and no matter how hard I tried to ignore the wrongs done to me, the lies said about me, and the many people that took precedence over my existence, somewhere in my darkness I fell into the lies, the neglect, the disrespect, and the backstabbing. It took me a long time to climb out of what I fell into. It really wasn’t any one thing or anybody that showed me the light. I feel that I made a conscience decision in the midst of my darkness that I wanted to be saved and taken out of this pain that wrapped around my heart like a full grown python, and every time I tried to react differently than what the darkness provoked I could feel the python restrict my heart flow and I could feel the pressure swelling in my brain. Walking angry and spiteful was the only reaction that made any since to me. Though I was born from a woman of GOD, a woman of strong faith, and a woman of pure love…I forgot the message. I let her down and I gave up so easily. Yes the tragedies in my life were very difficult and most people couldn’t survive what I did. Yes I could have made different decisions, I could have allowed certain things to roll off of my back, and I could have turned the other cheek and smiled through the pain. The statement, “Be the bigger person” was something I lived by for the better part of my years. Somehow the rules of life and the direction paved out for me was long forgotten and what remained was this hurt child still wanting his family to love him, appreciate him, support him, respect him, see him for who he is and not what they thought he should have been. In that very place I came face to face with that child and for an instance I wanted to slap his face for being so blind and being so weak. I wanted to curse him for being that soft part of my armor that was attacked each and every time I was in battle. With both fists tightened, lip clinched, feet firmly planted, defensive at the ready…the child in me walked up to me and hugged me. He told me that he loved me and that his love was enough. He stood back and smiled and told me I was worth more than I could ever expect. He told me that the search for happiness should never be in the hands of other people. He told me that my journey started at this moment and for anything other than this point in my life I should turn away from it and live. I fell to my knees in total defeat. I felt the angry ooze out of my heart and I saw it disappear once it hit the ground. After I was drained of all darkness and pain I looked up to see the child but he was gone. All I saw from that moment on was the man I was becoming. I saw to my side the man I would love for the rest of my life. I saw at my waist the children I would love and teach how to live and show them the right way sibling should exist together. I walked in the direction of light and told the darkness, “No more” I no longer answer to my feelings. I no longer allow people treating me wrong to affect how great I am and how much I am worth. I thought that the child disappeared but I was quickly reminded that he never left; I just had to allow him to speak. Life is worth the battle as long as you realize that the war doesn’t consist of you forgetting yourself and giving your power to others. I can still love despite the disappointments. I am my mother’s son, I am my father’s child, and I am me no matter the opinions of others, I am a child of GOD and only he shall judge me in the end. I love without shame or disregard for others. I will love you even if you don’t like me or love me as strongly as I love you. It is the path I live and the path I shall travel throughout the rest of my days.

How I Became Me Chapter 41

Thirteenth Component: Outside Interests When it comes to having a fulfilling life you are mostly expected to have other things going on in your life other than a job, a place, family, friends, and a mate. I think that it has been the last 4 years of my life that I have started to realize that it is so important to have outside interests separate from your personal life. For several years I put a lot of the things I wanted to do on hold for several reasons. It really doesn’t matter what those reasons are because I made the choice to hold off from doing them. It really started to dawn on me when I would get certain statements from my friends and from Chase. They could tell that I was missing something, they saw in my eyes that I wanted so much more out of my life and I started becoming complacent. Right after Chase moved in I was laid off from my job of almost 9 years. Right before I met Chase I started dating, I started traveling, I started creating more stories, songs, movie ideas, etc. I began to branch out on my own in the search to find the inner me I haven’t felt in so very long. My pattern is always the same, I will start getting caught up in my hobbies and as soon as I get a distraction I start slowly drifting back to the robot that I’d been for several years. It stopped recently, I had to make a conscience decision to either just exist or make my presence known. I chose to make my presence known and I have not regretted that decision at all. I have the aspirations to live out my dreams of being a famous writer, singer, dancer, actor, and activist for LGBT rights. For so long I’ve seen the silliness accompanied by people’s idiotic notion that homosexuality just started and they have to band together to destroy it. The sad thing is our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters are a majority in so many functions of our nation. We are in politics, we are law enforcement, we are in entertainment, we are in religious organizations, and the list goes on and on. Being proud to be gay has made me a much stronger and more confident person. I saw what it meant to cover up your true being; I’ve seen how destructive it can be when you live a lie. My back story and Chase’s back story was so different in the ways of what we felt about who we truly were and what we would accept and what we would not allow. There is this soldier inside of Chase that I see all the time. When we first met, of course I was taken by his looks, by his voice, by his personality, and by how great of a man he truly is. However, that isn’t all that attached my future to his. I saw that he was stronger than he was willing to show. I saw that he would be an equal match to me and my way of thinking and living. Once he made it through his hurdle of being exposed, he fought hard to get his life back and he has been more than successful. Our relationship has its routine and for most people that would become mundane and boring. For us though, it is an amazing feeling to share the moments that we have with each other. We care about what we want and need in our lives. We share many of the same visions, but there are also parts of our personality that separates us. We both love singing, acting, and comedy. Most people never get to see that side of Chase because he is always so reserved around people. What I experience when we are alone can only be described as a world of wonder, excitement, laughter, and true love. We make our time together so worth the struggle it took to get where we are. Now that we are in this strong foundation we have discovered our individual needs and how important it is that we savor the moments we value. Speaking for myself, during the week I love certain shows, I love getting new movies, I love video games, I have an eclectic taste when it comes to music, I love to write, I love to sing, I love gadgets, and I love animals. Outside of my relationship I love to do things that feed my need to feel a part of the bigger picture. I love children and my dream to become a father is very strong and unrelenting. I enjoy exploring different cultures, I love sampling different foods, I explore different religions, I love sitting around very strong thinking people and exchange intellectual ideas, beliefs, aspirations, issues, opinions, facts, and whatever else pops into the circle. I am very outspoken, I am not the one to sit back and observe. I have a desire to speak my mind, share my feelings, and tell the truth to the best of my ability. It is this exact reason that I am unique and unlike anyone else on the face of this earth. As a child I strived to achieve that separation of similarity and to stand out as an original me that no one could label. I am forever changing and I always have something to add to the conversation. Open dialogue to me is like a drug. Sitting around people that will challenge one another with their opinions and their beliefs is like eating homemade pound cake, which is my favorite cake in the entire world. I love it when it’s cooked the right way. The crust outside of the cake is a little crunchy, flaky, and the color is that dark even brown. When you get into the cake it is so moist and delicious…but I digress…I lost my train of thought just then. Back on the subject…it is that attitude I project that made Chase fall in love with me. If you are truly confident in yourself it shows in how you carry yourself and how you represent you and the one you love. We have that understanding that we share everything and we respect that we have different interests outside of our marriage. This doesn’t mean I do things that cut him out of my life; this doesn’t mean that these outside interests take away from our home and our family. Having outside interests means that you still live for you even though you have a husband or wife. Your life will be filled with what you both introduce to one another. We often joke and say how much we love being a boring married couple. The truth is that we are the richest people we know because we value the simplicity of living and loving. We take heed to every little measure of happiness that is placed in our lives. We have different religious beliefs but that is also fine because we both agree in the higher power, we just don’t agree on how we should worship that higher power. I am a firm believer in having your personal relationship with GOD. I don’t believe in organized religion. There is nothing and no one that can convince me that GOD wants 10% of my gross wages. The idea that I am paying someone to tell me they are getting messages from on high just doesn’t sit well with me. I was raised in the church and I was told to believe these things. Now that I am an adult I have my own beliefs but I will not talk down to anyone that believes otherwise. When God blesses me with children I will leave their religious beliefs to them and I will support them fully on the direction their heart leads them. So every Sunday Chase gets up and goes to church. Having opposite opinions on religion doesn’t change our relationship and it doesn’t strain our bond. What entertains me doesn’t necessarily entertain Chase. He doesn’t get into video games, he’s not that strong on collecting movies, he is content on watching gospel shows, Food Network, HGTV, Top Chef, etc. Since we’ve been together we are rubbing off on one another. I love watching home improvement shows, I love looking at Property Virgins, Love It or Lease It, etc. Since he’s been around me he loves the shows that I am totally in love with like Supernatural, Nikita, Vampire Diaries, etc. It is so laughable how at one point in your life you look at things one way, but when you fall in love with someone your vision changes and your active imagination opens you up to another world of things that you didn’t notice before. Before Chase I would cook but I wasn’t that deep into it. I would cook to eat but there was no passion in creating a dish. Since Chase and I have been together I now dream about recipes, I experiment with different dish ideas, and I love watching shows to inspire an idea for a new recipe. Love has introduced us to a new world that we can share with each other and at the same time we still can be who we are. My fear of losing myself in a man is no longer a factor. I now understand the meaning behind becoming one person when you marry someone. That doesn’t mean you lose yourself, it means that you grow and mature both mentally and spiritually. Becoming one person means that you are connected to the person you were meant to be with. Once you have reached the level of your relationship when you carbon copy one another it means that your souls have connected and you are in tune with one another. I love it when I think something and he says it. I love it when I crave something while I’m at work and when he picks me up he has already bought it for me. I love the fact that I can tell him to lay between my legs so I can massage his neck even though he didn’t tell me it was bothering him earlier. We both have this sense of one another when we are in need of practically anything. In my entire life I have dreamed to find the man I’ve dreamt about since I was a child. I painted this picture for my future and I never wavered the dream I was just thrown off the path I created. I didn’t stay down long, because once I brushed off the horrible things I face from November 2004 to July 2008 I realized that I was still me and there was still so much happiness in the world. Though we face tragedies, it doesn’t mean that we get rid of our happiness and the need to be happy. I wore guilt for happy moments because I felt I didn’t deserve them. I felt that misery was my permanent wardrobe and no one could tell me otherwise. The day I finally understood and got what it all meant, was the day I walked down the aisle arm and arm with the man I said I would love until the day our physical existence ends. The ups and downs were worth the reward to finally know what it meant to be loved for who I really am and not for what is expected of me. I see who I am in the eyes of my husband Chase and no matter what the world throws at me, the opinion of Chase holds stronger power than any criticism the world throws in my direction. I know that the creations that are formulated from my brain are appreciated for the realness of what it is and not for how it will sound to other people. Chase can see me and he allows me to be me regardless if one day I am an angel and on the other days when Satan his self would step out of my way. The sacrifice you take when you say, “I do” is to never say, “I can’t”. My vows are the most solid and infinitely unmoving words I will ever write or say. Some people try to live to find love, I have learned to love the fact that I live.

How I Became Me Chapter 40

Twelfth Component: Space For the longest time I have argued that if you say that you need your space separate from your mate, then there has got to be something wrong with you. I said this for many years and even argued the fact. How could you possibly want to spend time away from someone you love and adore? My friends would look at me with a stare that seemed as if they were thinking, “You are so new to this relationship thing”, and how right they were. I guess you can say I was wearing my love goggles and I couldn’t see the truth behind being under someone constantly without having any time alone, time to do what you like to do, being able to just get up and go when the moment hit you. I was so totally caught up in the romance of a relationship and not realism that comes with giving your life and your love to another individual. I experienced that feeling with Eugene. It got to a point where we couldn’t stand being in the same room with each other. I would leave whatever room we were in together and find some other part of the home for a break from seeing him, hearing him, and just knowing that he was around. My relationship with Eugene was not a good example of what space did for a relationship. Our space was filled with negativity, ill feelings, and that unbarring need to just keep our distance from one another. After Eugene died I realized the importance of space and allowing each other the time to restart those brain cells and allowing some time in between love and life to just focus on you for a chance. We were under each other constantly and when you have a relationship that was as turbulent as ours, that was never a good thing. I would want to hang out with Jennings and William but I felt guilty because Eugene didn’t have any friends he could go out with, hang out with, or vent his frustrations to. I would invite him to everything I did with my friends and it started causing a strain on my friendships because we were always taking those moments we spent together as a way of recharging our batteries and talking about the irritation we were experiencing in our relationships. You can’t really do that when the person you want to vent about is sitting right next to you, and you can tell when your friends are fed up with this extra person being in our circle which left them feeling like they couldn’t let their hair down and cut loose since I couldn’t. During my transition from being a widower and then becoming a spouse, I actually enjoyed the space and the time apart from people that I was seeing romantically. I could plan a date, we could hang out, we could have leisure time, and we could have our moments of relations, then the time was done and we went back to our lives. I started really loving the control and dismissal of those pesky feelings wanting me to snuggle and strap on to a man. I no longer had that urge to see them and I definitely didn’t give into the feeling of wanting to be in love. So I started making my life different, I started feeling the wealth of happiness that came into my life once I realized the rhythm of separating the romantic me and the independent me. Around the time I met Chase, I was really getting into my routine, though I started running into a lot of scrubs, I still had this feeling of serenity that showered over me when I got to my place, ate my dinner, watched my shows & movies, shot the shit with my boys, got comfortable, climb in bed and got to sleep. My mornings started to feel like that of a Walt Disney movie. I would wake up expected raccoons and dears sitting at the edge of my bed, flowers swirling over head, and blue birds bringing me coffee and a newspaper. I found peace in the solitude and I found that part of me I had detached from over the years of ups and downs. I realized that my old saying, “I love me, so when I am alone that isn’t a bad thing” was so true indeed and after all that I’ve done in my life for my family, my friends, my job, and even people I didn’t know, it was time for me to be all about me. I would feel so guilty if something was going well with my life but things weren’t good in my family and friend’s lives. I couldn’t feel joy when I was always surrounded by such negativity and despair. I do not believe in the act of sweeping your issues under your carpet because eventually it would tripped you up and you’ll be face to face with what you have tried running from. I knew that all too well and now that I was on my own I had more time to think through my personality, my choices, my aspirations, and this undying need to feel needed by my family. Chase was living in Macon and I was living in Atlanta. It would be such an exciting feeling when I packed up my bag to go and see him. It was more than just me falling in love with him, it was that he was my get-a-way from what I had going on in my life. I knew eventually I would share with him my dark past, but the times we spent together made me forget about them. Absence from one another built up this urge and craving to be around him, at first I was afraid that I was putting myself right back in the hole I was in before. When I was invited to outings I would bring Chase. When my friends wanted to come over to hang out I had Chase with me. The nights we use to hit the club would be off and on since I was with Chase. I not once felt that I made a bad decision because it was the beginning of our relationship and I wanted him to experience me in every aspect of my life. I knew that once he saw my life he would understand the people that were most important to me and why, he would understand why my personality is the way it is, and he would understand why my heart was so guarded. Space gives you those times when you need to self evaluate your life and your path. I had so many ditches ahead of me and my legs were sore already from the many jumps I had to make to get through a day. The toll my life was taking on my spirit was close to unbearable. There were nights I didn’t think I would make it. I was terrified of going on and I also was terrified of giving up. The moments Chase and I were together made me see the light beyond the pain. When he left to go back to his life I felt that I got that jump start I needed to face another day. Eventually that jump start went from facing my day to facing my week, then facing my month, then facing my year, and now facing my life. Not being tied to the hip was healthy for us and it brought about a new approach to our future together. I felt that Chase experienced a death as well I did. My ex was actually dead but Chase’s relationship with his ex was dead. It is totally realistic to approach your relationship ending like a death because that is exactly what it is. You go through the same cycles: Shock: You either didn’t see the end coming or you shock yourself because you decided to end it. Denial: Because everyone around you feels that it isn’t over you eventually think to yourself, “There is a chance we can make it and get back together.” Anger & Guilt: You become angry at both your ex and yourself. You try to look back to see where it all went wrong. Then you start feeling guilty because you feel you may not have fought hard enough or you feel that you were the blame for the failed relationship. Despair & Depression: During this cycle you start fearing that you won’t find love. You start feeling like you will be tagged with this failure and no one will ever see past you pain because you can’t. Eventually you start falling deeper and deeper into despair with no light to guide you out of it. Acceptance: This is the last part of the cycle but doesn’t mean you won’t experience the previous cycles again. When you truly hit acceptance you feel vindicated from the relationship, you accept your part, and you apologize and forgive yourself for what you brought to the relationship. Once you forgive yourself you then forgive them as well. Walk away from that relationship not feeling that you are owed any explanation. It is when we still feel horrible we make bad decisions for our future. Chase’s guilt for what he did in his marriage broke him and he lost his self-respect and felt he deserved any ugly retaliation he received from those he felt he hurt. You can try to move on and even if you eventually do, there is still that shred of guilt that lingers in your heart and in your mind. The key to allowing the shred to remain is to know what the shred represents and why it is important and necessary for it to remain. You take everything you did and everything you didn’t do, process it and then let go off the guilt but hold on to the lesson you learned from it. It isn’t always the easiest thing to do. When Chase was faced with that process it was way more difficult than most. You have to think about it from his perspective and as I always say, “Put yourself in his shoes and try to walk a straight line”, his life was turned up-side-down and it wasn’t from him opening up to everyone, his ex destroyed his chance to make right what he messed up. He didn’t get the chance to approach his kids; his family, his friends, and his church to let the truth of his life leave his lips. The information came by way of bitterness, anger, and determination to destroy his life. The space that came once Chase and his ex split up made her bitter but it made Chase feel that his life would never be the same. He started experiencing the fear of losing his children, losing his family, losing friends, and totally destroying his high standing in his church. When space is used wisely you find calm and a better focus. You take the time you had to yourself and you realize what you need to do. Space is a form of meditation and reflection. You take that time away from distractions so your mind can process things and get you focused on what needs to be done from the point you are in. The brain is built for that very reason but so many of us would rather empty our pockets and pay a shrink to tell them something they could figure out on their own. If you ever paid close attention to a therapist, they make you think harder and deeper than you may be used to. A therapist isn’t fixing you; they are showing you that you can fix yourself. Psychology is a field that I have a great passion for and that is because I know what it means to find the answers on your own. If you live to be told what to do then you aren’t living your life, you are living a life paved out for you. When Chase and I became serious we experienced what those moments of space would do for our relationship. Creating the time a part even though you live together gives you this individuality that is needed to become a better partner. We can stop what we normally did to make us relaxed and able to cope because we feel that it takes us away from our relationship. I actually felt that, even though I knew better, I felt that if I introduced our relationship to the need for space during the time Chase was going through such a life altering experience it would only make him feel alone and that I wasn’t willing to stand beside him in his time of need. I made a conscience choice to put myself aside and focus on him. I didn’t want to move too fast and at the same time I didn’t want him to move too slowly. Processing the past is at times a lot quicker than processing for your future. The past is gone and done; you cannot reach back and redo any of it. As Chase’s partner I had to be his therapist, I had to guide his hand so he could see why it was important for him to fix certain things that he had the power to and release those things that were damaged beyond repair. Good hearted people always feel responsible for whatever. When you have intentions that are pure and as positive as you can make them, it can become your “Akeley’s Hill.” You cannot lead with the same mindset when your life has changed drastically. As a person you must adapt to your surroundings and the people in your life. You must know where the change needs to take place and what parts of you need to remain. When it comes to that battle you must take that journey on your own. No matter how much I wanted to help Chase repair things and get this emotional balance back, he had to do the rest by his self. No matter how long you are with someone, you never truly know them totally. People change like the wind and their emotions do the same. Hell…you can barely say you know yourself. In my past I have regretted saying what I never would do or what I never would say. The truth is we are never finished growing and learning. When we are children we are labeled a sponge soaking up everything around us. Most people think that we stop being a sponge once we become adults. That is so far from the truth and that belief is exactly why we never really learn to be better people. If you decide that you have reached your expiration date to learn, then your future will not mean a thing to you because you never hold on to the important parts of your life. Space is not just applied to a relationship with your mate; space is epic and extremely important for your life as a whole. There is no way possible you can survive if you don’t take time for you and when you take that time for you, there is a need for quiet, solitary moments of reflection, and just peaceful emptiness. You must learn to block out what isn’t important and focus heavily on what is. Today our relationship changes constantly and it isn’t a bad thing, it is showing us that we are taking our lives seriously and we are approaching our future with an equal determination of being happy in ourselves and being stronger as a unit. Division only enters a relationship when you lose focus on what is important and when you forget what made you strong together. Chase and I have lived in spaces where we could be away from one another in separate room to have time to ourselves, we have been in situations where we were stuck being under each other with no room for space and that alone time needed to process and think. Throughout every part of those moments we learned more and more the value of being able to face one another with all of your cards on the table and a plan written out, signed by both people, and followed throughout the relationship. It seems funny though…now that I understand the importance of space, having those moments to you, continuing to do those hobbies that you love and what soothes the brain from the debris of the day and just living period, we have this new found love and understanding of being under one another constantly. Even when we have our spats we still can’t function without one another being around. Most may look at that as co-dependency, but that isn’t what this is. Co-dependency is when people can’t function in life without their other half, it is when the relationship can’t grow and mature because you are connected to each other in the worse way possible and you aren’t being free and allowing your other half to be free as well. Co-dependent relationships typically end very badly because if someone become totally dependent of you, the idea of you leaving them is like someone telling you that everything you own is gone and you are left with nothing. I appreciate what Chase enjoys, I support whatever Chase wants to do. I get that same support in return because we both understand that before we met there was a way of living, now that we are married, it doesn’t mean that way of living must cease and the focus should only be us. The more we branch out and live individually, the stronger we become and the stronger the relationship becomes when you return to the relationship with new found strength. “Space: A continuous area or expanse that is free, available, or unoccupied. “ This definition explains it in a way that everyone can understand. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting your time to yourself and there should never be a feeling of guilt for expecting your mate to understand and support your need for that time. There isn’t always an answer to what you may be feeling at the time. Your mate won’t always have an answer for what may be pondering in your brain. I have moments where I just need quiet and not distraction, no one trying to fix what I’m dealing with, and no one feeling like they need to be right there with me. There are times when there are no words and no way of explaining what I feel. I suffer from an overactive brain that doesn’t not shut off or allow me to shut it off. Any and everything around me triggers ideas, memories, plans, issues, interests, etc. In that moment I cannot answer any questions, I can’t explain it so that Chase can understand or comprehend. I try my best not to allow that moment to push Chase away and force him out. It is still a work in progress but I’m starting to see that he gets it and he respects it. Chase always feels like if I’m in deep thought he needs to intervene and support me. I love everything about his approach but I can’t really ask him to do anything when there isn’t anything I can tell him I need him to do. I dislike what that energy does to us in that moment, but I try my best to explain to him that I just need that time to me and I can’t actually interact with him when I am working through…whatever the hell my mind is doing. It starts feeling like my brain is a computer that needs to reboot from time to time. As we all know, when the computer is rebooting there isn’t much you can do but wait until it is up and ready for you to interact with it. I also have those moments when we face disagreements; I know I have a temper which was inherited from my parents. As a child I would get over heated and my nose would bleed. I was too young to explain to people that I just wanted to be left alone so it only made my temper worse when people wouldn’t just leave me be for the moment. I now have a reputation of being mean, short tempered, and mean spirited. This reputation was always made into a warning for the man in my life. Everyone in the family would tell my mate how serious of a temper I had and they would need to look out and not push my buttons because I would explode on them. That message was not received by Chase, he saw right through the stories being told about this horrible side of my personality. Chase eventually understood my triggers and how not to get me to that place where I can’t calmly end the conversation be it heated or otherwise. He now understands the process better and he even knows when to step back and allow me to have my moment of peace and quiet. He does understand it and he does respect it, but there are still moments when the temper is tested and it explodes. We have our moment but now we have found this ability to let it marinate for a minute, come back to discuss it, analyze it, and then put it to rest. For me that was a huge step in the right direction and it made me realize that I could control my temper. It wasn’t my inability to have emotional control; it was the people surrounding me at that time. It’s something that is well known in families and even more so in large families. No one feels that need to heed your warning for space and separation. My family in particular wants the battle but not the prize. There are members of my family that want to test the theory that I have this overpowering temper that scares people, so they want to test it and slay the beast so to speak. The problem that they face is I am not this person that can’t control his emotions, I know exactly what I am doing and saying. I never believe in apologizing about what is said in the heat of the moment because it was said, I meant it, and I wanted them to know it. This separation from my family is a form of space that will do wonders for my future and will give me that peace to have my children and give them all of me with no distractions. The space that has been created has made my life so much better. I know full well what I am upset with, I know what I am angry about, I know what is pushing my patience and working my nerves. For so long I held in my true feelings towards certain people. It became obvious that holding it in took a toll on my delivery to other people that may have said or done something I didn’t appreciate, but they didn’t deserve the wrath that is my temper tantrum. I see so clearly now and I have not debris or blemishes in my mind when I’m facing down a incident, circumstance, issue, or a person that just isn’t getting that they need to step off. It has been so long for me to get where I am now. I have taken back what was me many years ago and I let go of the person created by his surroundings. “Listen” by: Beyoncé is truly my testimony; the part that resonates with me is this part of the song: You don't know what I'm feeling I'm more than what you made of me I followed the voice you think you gave to me But now I've gotta find my own, my own The first time I heard that song I broke down and cried but I didn’t know why. I figured it was because I loved Beyoncé, but the more I listened to the song I realized that it was my story she was singing about. I gave up my space, my dreams, my plans, and even my relationship for my family. That was a sacrifice that wasn’t difficult for me to make. In my heart I just knew that if the tables were turned they would do the same in return. I was painfully slapped in the face with reality. I was only as important as what I could do for them. I was never heard when expressing my feelings. I could never take credit for my accomplishments because if you hear them tell the story, I was this blank canvas that they painted which made this person I am today. There is a thin line between space and distance. Space is that need for a break, a retreat to your own little universe to get yourself charged and put back together again. Distance is when you separate yourself from being near the people that cause you strain and stress. In the process of distance you totally shut out what isn’t positive or helpful to you and your life. At times it isn’t a particular situation but more of the actual people. I am in the distance process with most of my family. I realized in the space process I saw all of the issues I carried and what caused me to always feel less than happy about anything I did. No matter how great a triumph I had they found a way to lessen the excitement. If I shared my accomplishments they would throw up someone else’s accomplishments or their reaction would be dry and emotionless. I found my voice again, I found my purity of heart, and because I severed ties with them I gave Chase the love and attention he deserved. My families influence altered my relationship with Eugene. I can’t blame them for it, but I can recognize their reasoning for making sure I wasn’t happy. I use to think that being gay was the reason we were not getting along, I now know that it is being happy in love with someone that creates the jealousy, the damage to their egos, not having me at their every beck and call, and the constant be raiding of my happiness. Thanks to the space I was able to see the truth and thanks to Chase I was able to separate from them but still love them despite their problems with whatever it is they feel is wrong. I feel in my heart that things will work out for us all, but not feeling that it will necessarily mean we will have our relationship back. It takes everyone involved to notice where they need to compromise and change. If you attempt to do so and then open that door again just to get the door slammed back in your face, you walk away, say you love them, and continue on with your life.

How I Became Me Chapter 39

Eleventh Component: Full Disclosure The need in business transactions to tell the "whole truth" about any matter which the other party should know in deciding to buy or contract. In real estate sales in many states there is a full disclosure form which must be filled out and signed under penalty of perjury for knowingly falsifying or concealing any significant fact Yes the definition sounds extremely business and impersonal, but I feel that there is a lot of that definition that applies to a successful relationship. “To tell the "whole truth" about any matter which the other party should know” This applies to so many important things that can make or break a relationship. For example, when Eugene and I were exclusive and getting tired of sharing space with my brother, we decided to get our own place. While we were looking around I remembered asking Eugene several times if there was any issues with his credit, if there was any issues with his finances, and would there by anything that would prevent us from moving out and getting our own place? Each time I asked him those questions I got the same response, “No”. I believe that he was being upfront and honest about it so I stepped out on faith and shortly after finding a place that we both loved, the reality of his lie play against us in a major way. Eventually we found a place and were able to make it, but for the beginning part of our relationship living together was clouded by the stresses and strains of poor money management and his lack of ability to fix his past mistakes. Another brush with someone not giving me the entire truth was my relationship with Henry. He made it known to me in the beginning that he was out and he was not afraid to step out as an openly gay man. It wasn’t until he moved in his nephew Eric in with us that I found that to be a total lie. I remember it was on a Saturday and I was leaving my job about an hour earlier than normal. When I opened the door I could hear him on the phone with his mother, telling her that he was really attracted to this woman at his job and he was building up the nerve to ask her out for a date. Though in my heart I knew that we weren’t meant to be together, but hearing that was more than enough of a reason to walk away from an unrealistic relationship. Though Chase and I ran into a lot of obstacles in our relationship, we were very open about our lives and our past. If anything in total certainty I can say, it would be that Chase made me well aware of what I was getting into when I decided to be with him. When those issues started to surface, we were able to survive them because we weren’t taken by surprise. Full disclosure has always been my practice. I am a firm believer in letting people know what they are getting into before they commit to me. My thought in doing that is for me to see if it’s meant to be or not. The very first day Chase and I met I found out all that I needed to know. I know that most of it was nerves, but I appreciated the fact that once he started he didn’t shy aware from it once he realized that he poured his entire life on my lap. Of course me being my mother’s son, I did the same in return. My mother was a talker and she told everything without leaving anything out or to be subject to interpretation. “Penalty of perjury for knowingly falsifying or concealing any significant fact” Though it isn’t considered illegal to withhold truths and facts from the person you are getting into a relationship with, it is however, a very immoral approach to starting a relationship. The fact that the truth could be that bad you would choose to withhold it should tell you right off that you are not ready for a real relationship and the person you are deceiving with your secrets must not be special enough to you. At times we feel that it is considered protection but it always turns into the last shoe that drops and causes the relationship to end. I always put myself in the shoes of the person before I make a judgment from my own personal feelings. I know for me there isn’t really a long list that I would have to tell someone I couldn’t be with them. I think that your past is your past, if you are working to better yourself then that is encouragement enough to allow for the time to get those issues in order. Opening up to someone you want to be with shows them that you trust them, you want to do right by them, you are strong, and you are in it for all the right reasons. People that lie all the time are people that have major issues with their selves and no matter who they meet, that person can never truly get to know them because once one lie has been told it takes lie after lie to cover up the first one. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would rather hash it out right then and there so I won’t need to have this huge explanation later. When you make a decision to hold things from people you are taking their God given right to make a choice. When you have your choices taken away from you it can destroy your trust and cause your future to fall to a path not set for you. I find myself to be very trusting and respectful to people and whatever their past is. I look into the heart of the person and from that I compare what I see to what they show. When you get that vision and they don’t match up, that my friends is the alert telling you to step back, analyze, document, notate, and question. One of the practices that I use when getting to know someone is just to allow them to talk. Sometimes when someone is comfortable lying to people they can start ranting and raving without realizing that they are saying way too much to remember. Once I get through that initial conversation I allow for some time before I start bringing up facts that they shared with me in the beginning to see if they story will be the same as the first time. 9 times out of 10 they slip up and you can see the frustration in their face while they try to go back and rectify what they know they screwed up. If more people took the time to do the right thing these measures would not be necessary. If love and happiness is what you want then why wouldn’t you do your part and start it off with openness and honesty. From my experience a lie is harder to hold on to than the truth. The truth is there and nothing can be done about it. A lie is a shackle that constantly leaves you feeling uncomfortable and afraid that one day you are going to trip over it. People that know you can either say that you are trusting, open, outspoken, and honest. I like that description over being sneaky, shady, and can’t be trusted. Even when people tell that someone is that way, I still like to find out for myself. The way you view someone and their actions doesn’t mean that I will see it the same way, if it is a mistake to be made allow me to make it without the assistance of outside opinions. We can something miss out on great opportunities because we let other people make decisions and come to conclusions for us. There is no worse feeling than to tell someone you missed out on a great guy/girl because someone told you that he or she can’t be trusted. Chase and I have a total honesty policy and at times we can say things to each other in the heat of an emotional moment, nonetheless we still share our feelings. When you have a strong foundation in your relationship you can always come back to the round table, share where you were in the heat of the moment, collect your thoughts, take out the emotions, and just be open and truthful. When you take out the negativity and the head butting you get the facts and you both realize that there was no need to take it to the level it went to. A relationship is constant work, but it isn’t constant fighting. The one you love is the one that fights for you, not with you. We both agree that the past should be talked about but not severely discussed over and over again. The thought behind sharing the past is to get over it and leave room for the future. The past should only be tapped into for lessons learned, experiences shared, and to show why you are where you are in life. A relationship that can’t seem to move because one or both parties involved are holding on to the past is doomed from the beginning. You both are bringing a lot of baggage into a new relationship, but by the time your past has started destroying the future, your relationship is over before it had a chance to begin. I must admit that I started out that way with Chase. There would be similarities to his reactions or his attitude that reminded me of Eugene. There were instances that made him look back at his previous marriage and act out the way he did then. We both realized that we were doing it and we made a promise to each other that we would work on ourselves and our relationship. A new person can’t save you from the past but they can be a great incentive for you to want to leave your past behind you. Chase, for me, was labeled my savior. I honestly felt and still feel that. My heart was broken, my will was weakened, my lust for life was fading, and the hopes of a beautiful life seemed impossible. The first time we spent together washed the stains from my brain and polished my heart to shine again. When I realized how much I loved him I knew that my hopes for a better future were possible. I would not put Chase on a pedestal that would set him up to fail, but to admit to him that his being in my life was the cause of me moving in the direction of positivity, happiness, bliss, and joy is acceptable because it not only strengthens me, it strengthens him, and our relationship. Chase always felt that he didn’t really have a voice and because he was so used to following what was set in motion for him, the idea of stepping in a different direction was terrifying. Full disclosure made us vulnerable to each other; seeing him raw and afraid, but willing to try only made me feel certain that I was going the right direction and he was worth me trying to make my future better than my past. The most you can hope for is a good try to find love and hold on to it. If you don’t give your all for a purpose as special as true love, then what are you holding out for? There isn’t anything wrong with letting someone know that you are fragile, you are scared, you are fearful of being hurt, you don’t know what the hell you are doing but you still want to do it. These are not reasons to look the other way and close the chapter before it starts. If more people were able to get out of their own way long enough for someone to see in them what they feel they have inside, there would be better relationships and less craziness that we all have either experienced or have seen through the walks of other people in our lives. You must know your purpose; you must know your strengths, your weakness, and you indifference. I believe I know me very well, but I am not too proud to admit that sometimes I can paint a better picture over the one where the colors are not neat and parallel with the lines that incase the beauty. I full accept being a beautiful mess and a work in progress. With admitting that to myself I can truthfully step in front of Chase and tell him that I love him and I know he loves me. Full disclosure isn’t something to be afraid of. In fact it needs to be a current practice throughout your life, be it in love, life, finances, and your career choice. People that can see you as been human with exceptional qualities will be more ready to give you the chance to shine. If you come across as rigid and robotic, lacking emotion, vulnerability, criticism, and the ability to take the truth being handed back to you, then I suggest you stop on the path you are trying to travel because once you reach your destination you won’t be prepared for what is to come. I know for a fact that I am a better person because of my past, my friends, and my family. Today I don’t speak to all of my siblings but I know that my decision to walk another path separate from them will only brighten my chances at a peaceful existence and who knows, in time they may figure out what they need to work on. Just because I am not around them doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving them. In any relationship someone has to be the bigger person and accept the unacceptable. When a choice as strong as leaving your family behind you is made then you are aware of the struggles that life has coming in your direction and you’ve proven to yourself that nothing in life can break you. “I am strong, I am loving, I am outspoken, I have a temper, I am a clown, I am a lover, I am a nurturer, I am fearful, I am nervous, I am scared, I am vulnerable, I am excited, I am mean, I am brutally honest, I am a fighter, I am afraid to fight, I am a thinker, I can be lazy, I am a parent, I love being seen, I love attention, I hate to be put on the spot, I am sexual, I am a dreamer, I am determined, I hate authority…overall, I am me and there is no one else on earth like me. I have disclosed a short list of traits that make me who I am. Take me or leave me, but I promise you will never forget me.” ©11/17/2011 – By Gregory James Upson

How I Became Me Chapter 38

Tenth Component: Friendship Majority of my mistakes back in the days of my dating different guys was when I fell for them; I really didn’t know them at all. There was this part of me that felt you needed to have friends separate from lovers. I rarely had male friends growing up, and the ones I did have was more like family than friends. It wasn’t until I became older and living in Atlanta when I first experienced having male friends. Jennings and William are the only true best friends I have, especially gay best friends. We complement one another and our friendship has been strong enough to help us endure some very tragic moments in our lives. I lost my dad, mom, brother, and partner. I wasn’t alone because Jennings and William were right there to make sure I didn’t fall apart. The bond that we had before these incidents happened was already pretty strong, but after the crisis hit, it only grew stronger. William had several issues with his ex Mark and his father. William told us how his father was disrespectful to his wife and his kids. William’s story reminded me of my own father and how he was. That was one of the things that brought us close. William’s relationship with Mark was a lot like my relationship with Eugene. We both shared stories and were so amazed at how similar they were. Eventually Eugene passed and about a year later Mark passed. When Mark died, William had already moved on and found a man that he is currently with now. His name is Dante and I can see the happiness in William’s eyes. It is salvation from a path of pain. Chase was and is my saving grace, it felt so good to have that in common with William and not the horrible past we shared with our dysfunctional relationships. Jennings and I have known each other far longer than Jennings and William. Jennings and William met at Comcast where they both were employed. One day after he got off of work, Jennings told me that he wanted me to meet William. Eugene and I were having a dinner party at our townhome and I told Jennings that it would be nice to meet William. For several years Jennings and I have had some very memorable adventures or shall I say misadventures together. We started from jumping MARTA to get around to Jennings getting a car, Jennings moving away and coming back, Jennings dragging me to the mall to return items over and over again. When Williams entered the picture it was like he’d been in our lives already. There was no adjustment period, there was no uncertainty that he belonged in our crew, he fit and he brought so much to the friendship. Since I’ve known Jennings I can’t really say that he’s been truly in love. Jennings started out as this very green younger man that was very ambitious, very educated, well spoken, clean cut, and flirty. For the first 4 years of our friendship he barely said anything sexual or profane. Out of the two of us I was the experienced one when it came to sex and I was not shy to using a very well chosen verbal line to seal the end of a conversation. Jennings past relationships that I was a part of were lacking in the things a real relationship requires. The first time we met, Jennings was dating a guy named Ryan that lived in DC, that long distant relationship was on and off for the first 3 years of our friendship. I remember one night Jennings called me and he was crying so hard it was impossible to understand what he was saying. After he calmed his demeanor he explained that he and Ryan were no longer together. Jennings started dating and meeting different guys, it was always so entertaining when we hung out with these men that brought so much variety to our lives and a great story to be told. The nicknames that I am about to put down are our secret code for different people. If a date had something that stood out, we would label it with a pet name that could only be known to us. After Ryan it was Aretha Franklin, in that name is his real name. He was a nice younger guy that Jennings dated off and on for awhile, but it wasn’t serious. The next guy was Mile High, he was a flight attendant that always invited us over for dinner, he was a nice guy but again, Jennings wasn’t in love with him; he was just enjoying the social additives. After he was out of the picture we met the Catholic Boy Molester. I remember the night we went to his place. We’d been out all night going from club to club. I started getting sleepy and Jennings said he wanted me to accompany him to the Molester’s house. While nodding off I could hear Jennings saying, “Oh no...Uh Huh…No” I woke up and to my terror; Jennings was fighting to keep the car on the road. That night the roads iced up and we were driving over a bridge. Somehow Jennings lost control of the car and almost ran off of the bridge. After barely making it there in one piece, I was once again shocked that the guy Jennings was trying to fix me up with was not there. I was very bored, very irritated, and very horny. After sitting for about an hour, the guy that was supposed to be there for me walks in and tells him roommate, the Molester, that he just came from a sex party and he was very tired. I was so disgusted; I just curled up on the side of the couch and started nodding off again. While I was drifting in and out of sleep I heard Jennings, “Stop…No…Quit…Stop”, I raised my head to make sure he was all right and from the looks of it he was. The Molester was trying to feel him up right there on the couch with me. Needless to say, I was so ready to leave. Later on another roommate showed up and he looked like a murderer, which was the nickname I gave him, “The Murderer.” That night was a bust but it wasn’t without its comedic undertone. The most recent and the most difficult past relationships of Jennings were Monkey & Mama’s Boy. Monkey was a school teacher that Jennings had been back and forth with for years. I never met him until years later because they never could stay together. The first time I met Monkey I knew I didn’t like him. He was always so shady and it always seemed like he had something under his furry arms. After a long time of back and forth they decided to be a couple. That arrangement didn’t last long at all. When Jennings was with Monkey, he was always down, he was always frustrated, and he started acting out through drinking and getting up in people’s faces when we would go out to get a “Lenny Drink” which is our name for the drinks we got from one of our favorite spots, “Bull Dogs.” After about 5 years of nonsense it finally ended. Shortly after William was brought into the fold, Jennings dropped a bomb on us and said he was moving to Ohio for a job. Out of William and myself, I was use to him just getting up and leaving. Jennings was gone for about a year, almost two. When he called us to tell us he was moving back to Atlanta I was ecstatic. I missed my buddy terribly and my relationship with Eugene wasn’t doing great at all. William and I hung out every now and again but it was different not having Jennings there with us. After telling us the good news of his return, he dropped an additional bomb on us. Jennings stated that he was moving back to Atlanta and moving in with Monkey. Their relationship was rocky at best, which was why Jennings jumped on the chance to move away. Somehow Monkey convinced Jennings to move back to Atlanta and in with him. About 2 weeks before the relocation Jennings started getting different vibes from Monkey. Before moving back to Atlanta, Monkey was supposed to send Jennings a key to his house but no key ever arrived. Jennings followed through with the relocation and shortly after moving back they broke it off yet again. This rollercoaster relationship was off and on for 5 years until Jennings finally had enough and ended. The thing about Jennings is no matter the relationship, he will still keep in touch with them, he will attend parties they throw, and he will still acknowledge their birthdays and holidays. That side of Jennings I love, but I don’t admire and I don’t practice. I am a firm believer that once it’s over then it’s over. I can’t possibly imagine trying to be friends with a man that I couldn’t be in a relationship with. I know that it would just crush me to see him with another man, treating him better than he treated me. So to avoid flipping out on anyone, I’d prefer to say good-bye and keep it moving. One of the major reasons I hated the relationship between Jennings and Monkey was that it took Jennings out of his personality and made him into this time bomb that had no self control. Shortly after moving back Jennings just stopped talking to us. He ignored our texts, our calls, and our emails. I knew that what Monkey did to him was embarrassing and hurtful, but it took a toll on his friendships. For a while there I didn’t think we would be friends again. That was squashed because of a mutual friend of ours I call “Hips”. After that tortuous experience was over we jumped right back into the swing of things. Jennings started dating again; he connected with guys that he never really got to know well. There were successes in either one of his choices. Just when Williams and I started doubting that Jennings will ever open up to a man again, Mama’s boy appeared. In the beginning it was magic and the happiness was blissful. Eventually it all fell apart as Jennings got to know Mama’s boy more and more. He was lazy, he lacked class, he wasn’t trustworthy, he was a user, had no goals, had no ambitions, cried about his life like a little child, and not to mention he still stayed at home with his parents; he also shared a bedroom with his younger brother. Eventually that relationship fell apart and Jennings was back on the dating scene. Now he is with Brett and things are a little rocky. I gave Jennings some sound advice and told him to fight to make it work. I believe that for the first time ever, he has really had a taste of what a happy relationship could be. Hopefully this is the one for him and the lesson won’t come with a price of destroying his beliefs in love. The three of us are strong individuals that become even stronger when we are together. There is this kindred energy between us and it can’t be ignored. Together we become infectious to anyone around us. We draw people into our circle and they are always fascinated by how we are alike and at the same time all so different. Jennings appeals to my intellect, my outspokenness, my determination, my search for knowledge, and my logical mindset. William appeals to my emotions, my sensitivity, and my dreams for stardom, my ability to write and make music from my heart, my wild side, and the side of me that always leaves a man wondering and wanting me. Hanging together we have rubbed off on one another and we’ve influenced each other. I can’t imagine my life without them. I live in Augusta now and it feels like I am across the globe. If I don’t miss anything else about Atlanta, I miss my friends. They were helpful in orchestrating my heart to be fit to fall in love again. It was their love for me that allowed me to let my walls down for love and I fond Chase exactly in the time I felt I was comfortable without love and a relationship, but I wanted to experience dating since I never really got a taste of it. Chase and I are very close friends. I finally understand why being friends as well as lovers is important to keep a healthy relationship. There are days when we just sit and talk about our day. We can both watch a show and guess what is about to happen. When we’re together it seems like the world is gone until we wake the next morning to start our work day. We talk all day with one another but it stills makes me feel a little sad and anxious because texting and talking on the phone is nothing compared to smelling him, touching him, hearing him, and looking at him. After a lot of setbacks, obstacles, misfortunes, beauty, laughter, tears, and joy; we are now on this level in our lives where we feel each other spiritually. He knows me very well and there are moments when I want to say something, do something, ask for something, or go somewhere and he’ll either say it first, offer to do exactly what I wanted to mention, get up and get what I was thinking of, or tell me to get dressed and then tell me that we are going exactly where I wanted to go. It is amazing how people can connect on such an amazing level. His love for me is the fuel I need to survive. I think about how my life would have ended up if he never walked into it. We acknowledge how much we love one another in so many different ways. Our measures to express our feelings are always so romantic and so special. Your lover cannot just be your lover. You need an established friendship in order to have those moments when you can let your hair down and talk about things that you wouldn’t normally talk to your partner about. If you can take of the relationship title from time to time just to talk freely without filtering your words, your thoughts, or your feelings. If your security is intact then there shouldn’t be this darkness between you. The fear that you are going to be cheated on, back stabbed, lied to, or left abandoned wouldn’t exist if you both gave each other that part of you that allows them to be 100% themselves. I learned early on that being open, free, expressive, loving, understanding, compassionate, upfront, outspoken, and endearing makes for a great relationship and a great source of guidance for one another. So if you hear someone tell you that they aren’t friends with their mate, then I would bet all I owned that their happiness isn’t what it is cracked up to be. If you can’t find that balance, that even thought and respect for each other, then the pressure to trying to be perfect will only damper what could have been a more fulfilling relationship.

How I Became Me Chapter 37

Ninth Component: Partnership 1. The state of being a partner. 2. a. A legal contract entered into by two or more persons in which each agrees to furnish a part of the capital and labor for a business enterprise, and by which each shares a fixed proportion of profits and losses. b. The persons bound by such a contract. 3. A relationship between individuals or groups that is characterized by mutual cooperation and responsibility, as for the achievement of a specified goal The state of being a partner: Most people in relationships do not see the combined lives as a partnership. I hear so often how people in relationships have separate lives from one another. I see couples that don’t communicate financial situations or purchases together. I have actually seen couples that are married but still have separate friends, hangouts, vacation get-a-ways, etc. I know that whatever floats your boat is your ocean, but from my personal opinion I just cannot imagine a life with someone that really isn’t a life together. I would totally flip out if I found out that Chase went to a restaurant that we haven’t experienced together yet. I would choke him out if he bought something that he knew I would want for his self. My relationship isn’t like that at all though. We work together and we communicate things constantly. It isn’t about checking up on one another, it’s about working together. What we do affects each other and the decision we make should be understood between us. There things that could happen to your relationship if a decision was made and it ruined your security. The home that you live in, the car that you drive, the places you visit, the things you buy that you love and the things they buy that they love is securely possible because a partnership has been formed in your relationship and the communication between the couples makes for a easier way of life and a more comfortable living environment. A legal contract entered into by two or more persons in which each agrees to furnish a part of the capital and labor for a business enterprise, and by which each shares a fixed proportion of profits and losses: The definition explains it very matter of factually. The legal contract can be a verbal contract or the exchange of good faith by both parties. In a relationship you are part of a contract. You both share the wealth of the relationship, you both put into the foundation of the relationship, and you support one another when things get tough and you lose things like money, a car, a job, a home, etc. As partners those losses are shared between the mates and you equally share the burden of those experiences. In a relationship you both want more than you came into the relationship with. A relationship with the right person will benefit the goals that you have set for yourself or together. Love is not a business but the efforts in making it work are a lot like an enterprise. An enterprise takes time, hard work, sweat, tears, courage, support, respect, and equal determination. So ask yourself this, “Do I work harder to make money and only do the minimal towards my relationship?” or “Do I work hard to make a security that will be shared between me and my partner and work equally harder to make my relationship work so that we both can benefit from our hard work?” The persons bound by such a contract: The word “bound” can scare people away because it sounds like an eternity of being with one person. For most of us, the word “bound” is a welcomed word and a goal towards achieving it with the one you love. The search to find someone right for you and someone you are right for is very hard. The search drains you, it makes you weak at times, it can even make you doubt if you are worthy of the reward of true love. I went through many years of my life with a picture in my mind of the life I would have when I found the right man. I was 8 years of age picturing growing old with the man that was meant to be with me. While most kids my age were running around playing in the dirt and wrestling, I was planning where I wanted to live, how many kids I wanted, where we would go on our vacations, what would we do as far as our career goals, etc? From that young I set in motion a mission statement which large corporations are known for. To be bound with someone that shares your vision and adds to your vision is the exact same equation for partnerships in a corporation. You step into this life together with all you have and you pray that things work out and that your bounded lives flourish and give you profit in the form of happiness and security. A relationship between individuals or groups that is characterized by mutual cooperation and responsibility, as for the achievement of a specified goal: Cooperation is very important when you enter a relationship. You both may have fallen in love but there is still so much about one another you don’t know. It is a major risk because you are opening up your entire life with someone you are hoping will stick around. You are trusting that everything you are learning about them is truthful and honest. You are betting everything thing you have within you that this will be a happy venture together and that it will last beyond your imagination. You are responsible for different aspects of the relationship, but you are responsible nonetheless. Each partner brings a unique gift to the relationship. If things start to fall apart then both of you are responsible for fixing whatever may be wrong. Even if the fault lies on one person in the relationship, you both must come to a mutual understanding, plan out how to fix the mistake, and get your relationship back on track. In order for there to be growth in your love for each other you cannot point the finger and constantly remind your partner of all the mistakes they made. When my relationship with Chase started to get sour, I held on to the fact that I wasn’t the one messing up. I never let him forget that he was screwing things up and I never let him relax because I expected him to make big and noticeable changes that I felt would fix our relationship. My mistake in that approach is I took the relationship responsibilities away from us and gave them all to him. If it worked or if it didn’t make it, we both would be to blame. There is no “I” in team, and there is no “I” in love. It started together and it will either grow or end together. Understand your place, understand your strengths, understand your weaknesses, and most of all understand each other. The specified goal should be happiness. If you both enter the relationship with separate motives then the ending result will leave you both disappointed. Having an understanding of the wants and needs of one another will create an established agreement that should not be reneged on. As with a business partnership there are roles and responsibilities, but in a relationship those responsibilities can change over time. When you first start out, your strengths should flourish, as time goes on you start realizing the change in the makeup of the relationship. When I’ve talked to couples going through hard times and they are faced with the possibility that the relationship is ending, the main statement I hear is, “I am not ending this relationship, and I have invested too much.” So when you hear that, does that not sound like a partnership? Does that not sound like you are investing in an enterprise (relationship), do you not expect there to be a review of the contract that you both have agreed upon? People allow the most simplistic things to destroy what you have and they give up without a fight. I was just talking to my best friend/brother Jennings, he and his partner are going through changes. It is a new relationship and for the first time I see happiness in Jennings eyes. We have been friends for almost 13 years and in all that time I’ve never seen him this excited about a relationship. Jennings is stuck on the crossroad to either working on their relationship or ending. Speaking from personal experience I shared with him the changed that Chase and I went through. When people see us together they always say how wonderful we look together. There are people that get to know us and think that we are just the perfect couple. As flattering as that is, we both know that we didn’t get to where we are easily. Our partnership was tested in many different ways, we experienced a breach in contract, we experienced a partner trying to recruit another partner, we have experienced forgery of feelings, and we had to make a private partnership public. In the hardest of times you find what either makes you a good couple or what screams separation. In the past we would have fallouts and the friction in the room was so thick it was hard to breathe. There were times we went to sleep angry with one another and waking the next morning with that angry sitting right on our side of the bed waiting to climb right back on our backs. The journey to create that medium in your relationship is not easy but it is well worth it once you master the delivery of having those heated moments but still understanding that your relationship shouldn’t suffer simply because you experience these spats or arguments. It took us a while but now we have that rhythm. We still have disagreements but that comes with the territory. If you express your feelings, though heated at the time, when the argument is over you both should understand each other’s side. I use to hear so often about two people becoming one when they marry and it made me a little nervous about giving myself totally to another person. Now we are knocking on 3 years and I look back at those times of fear and weakness, I see the confusion, the raw emotions, in indecisiveness, the insecurity, the fear of the unknown, and the power of true love. I decided to rise above those crippling restraints and stop allowing those moments of doubt blur my vision and make me decide on ending a relationship that deserved everything I had to give. My job at the beginning of our relationship was consuming and draining. I had a horrible situation and it got to the point where I hated coming to work. I worked with people that I couldn’t trust and I worked with people that didn’t care what their decisions would do to those involved. Though I hated every minute of it, I still worked my ass of and devoted my time and attention to the job. After Eugene passed I decided to go back to work 3 weeks earlier than planned. To think on that now I realize that I pushed through so much and most people experiencing what I have wouldn’t and couldn’t make it through. I realized that if I could stay in an environment that was obviously bad for my health, why would I give up Chase when he is far more worth the fight that a job. I made the decision to save my love and my relationship. Once we got over the last hurdle, our relationship changed for the better and it doesn’t seem like it will ever tilt over to the dark side. My advice to Jennings was for him to take charge in the relationship. If he feels that he’s doing everything he can and it still doesn’t work out, then at least he can say that he made an honest attempt to make it work. The issue that Jennings is facing is he is working alone. His mate is just that…his mate, he is not a partner. The worst thing you could do to someone that you are dating is test them. When you create issues just to see how that other person will react is childish, dangerous, and just a horrible lapse in judgment. You don’t enter into a relationship to test the person you are with. When you start conducting test just so you can feel validated, then chances are you have been single for a reason. It can’t be the fault of others when you make idiotic decisions and play with other people’s emotions. I can’t say I know what the outcome will be all I can say is I will support Jennings no matter what direction he goes. I now know and understand the value if patience. When you do it the right way you get rewarded with a life and a relationship that bears fruit for you both. I say so often that love is great but love isn’t enough. Love is just the bound that brings you close, but you must have other traits, feelings, emotions, and experiences to bring to the table. The biggest mistake I heard Jennings mention was that his boyfriend told him he was only good when he was in a relationship. After hearing that I figured out what his major problem was, he has no true esteem and confidence. If you can only shine when you have someone on your arm, then your life is less than fulfilling, having that mindset will only set up the person trying to be with you to fail. In my heart I hope that things work out for Jennings because this is a long time coming for him. It has been impossible for me, Jennings, and William to have partners at the same time. It seemed that once the three of us were coupled, things started shining a lot brighter. As soon as we decide to bring into play a trip and future interactions with each other, one of us breaks up with their partner. It never fails, I get so excited that we are going to start having a “Why did I get married” retreat, but as soon as the plan starts being put together one of us ends up being single again. Chase and I living here in Augusta have been difficult. Not the living situations, the shortage of funds, and the constant stresses of our work, our biggest difficulty is finding a good couple to build a friendship with. We both are surrounded with straight male and female friends, but it seems impossible to find a couple or couples to hang with. We have made our home a home, we love being together, and hate being apart, but there are things that as couples you still want to have. We spend so much time taking care of each other, we face a lot of hardships, but not to have an outlet in the form of couples, there isn’t really anyone that could comprehend what we are dealing with. I know that one day we will have that life we both desire and are working hard to achieve. The biggest thing that has come out of the trials and tribulations we’ve experienced is that we are truly partners and we both share the same goal of success in love. We know that it will be hard at times, but when you truly love someone and there has been this, “I got you and you got me” there isn’t anything that can stop you from having the happiness you seek. So if you feel that your relationship isn’t worth the strength, the attention, the compromise, the partnership, the devotion, the understanding, the vulnerability, and the support, then maybe you are in the relationship for the wrong reason. If you aren’t willing to make the sacrifice for a better relationship, then do the other person a service and step out of their life so that they can be guided to the one for them. If you are willing to do what it takes to make it work, then you don’t defeat as a part of your vocabulary. You must fight for what you want, and you most remember that anything worth having won’t be simple to achieve.

How I Became Me Chapter 36

Seventh Component: Motivation Motivation can be both rewarding and extremely stressful. Keep in mind that I speak from my own life and not as someone expecting to change the minds of people that may read this. Since I can remember I have been driven and it was almost impossible to rest because my mind never allows me to. I have heard from people time and time again, “Stop thinking so much”, honestly I find that statement severely stupid…not to say the people that have said it were stupid, but the idea that you can just shut down the most important part of your anatomy to controls just about every function in your body is madness. I am the type of person that will see something and go for it. If I plan to achieve anything in my life I tend to get there. Motivation is the key to success, because if you lack motivation you won’t do much with your life. There are several motivators in my life, but the biggest one I have is Chase. There are those moments when I get down because I have so much I want to do and it feels like nothing is coming of it. As person that normally faces difficult moments in life with ease, I have truly recognized that I was motivated by the wrong things. Growing up I focused more on my family and not myself. When I took time to work on me I would breeze through the list of achievements I’d set for me. Until recently it hasn’t dawned on me why that was, but now that I am older, wiser, and more stable emotionally I know the reason why I get so overwhelmed is because I didn’t truly motivate myself for me. I would make goals that were not difficult so that I could still be there for those I felt needed me. As I said before, “I don’t blame them for relying on me”, I created that monster and it felt that the only way I was appreciated was when I came to the aide of whichever one of my family members needed me. My relationship with Chase opened my eyes to so much. I was still suffering from the loss of my loved ones and I tried to throw myself into the things that soothed my soul but I couldn’t stay focused long enough for it to matter. My emotional state was unpredictable and constantly changing. I lost everyone that motivated me to do great things and I felt so alone because the family members that are still in my life has never motivated or supported me in anything. When it came to my dancing, I was only praised when I went to parties or to clubs with my siblings and they wanted to show me off. When it came to being able to solve problems I was always called to be the mediator in a fallout between siblings. When it came to my writing, I was only praised when I used my talents to help someone in my family. When it came to singing, I was never supported by my family and my knowledge of t he music industry was only used by my brother and his focus wasn’t on me, it was on my nephew. These last few months since I separated myself from them has given me the time I needed to heal and to refocus on my plans to achieve my goals. My motivation for this turnaround is Chase. Since we started dating he has always supported me and praised me for any and everything I did. Chase took the poems I wrote, the books I wrote, the songs I wrote, and the advice I gave and paid close attention to them. Not only did he pay attention, he actually sat with me and asked me how I created what I created. He was in total awe with my talents and told anyone that would listen. Having a motivator helps if you fall short on self-motivation. I allowed the negative things that were going on in my life to cloud my mind and keep me down. I didn’t believe in myself because I felt that the ones that truly had my back were no longer around. My mother and my brother Rick were very strong entities in my life and in my life development. The conversations I had with my mom would have been shocking to most people because she and I were extremely far apart in age, she was my mom, and I was one of her babies. When it came to our moments of hanging out, those differences didn’t matter. When I moved to Atlanta I stated in constant contact with my mom. It always tripped me out when she would call during a moment in my life when I was going through a lot. Our conversations were empowering and fuel for me to succeed and work harder. With that motivation from my mom, I was able to face the challenges and obstacles ahead of me. When I claimed something I owned it and when I talked to my mom she spoke it to reality. My brother Rick was the motivation behind me looking into myself deeper. Growing up in Aiken I was always told I was too young to talk the way I did. I really didn’t have an outlet to voice my feelings because no one respected or supported the fact that though I was young, I still had a solid head on my shoulders. Rick pushed me further and further because he believed in me and he knew I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. When I would come to Rick about a problem, his answer was never just to make me feel good, he told me the truth and he allowed me the moment to vent but immediately told me to brush it off and face. After those important people were taken from me I lost myself and it seemed I forgot who I was without them. It seemed as though the strength I had was taken from me as well. I was lost in an open space of my life with no destination in sight. I couldn’t focus on anything for a long period of time. In the few moments where I did make huge accomplishments, they didn’t impact me as I thought they would because the very people I would share those moments with were gone. So the happiness wasn’t enough to sustain me and motivation didn’t mean a damn thing to me anymore. My life was like in auto pilot until I met Chase. Once I broke through that wall I built I saw myself in a new light. I started feeling that motivation building up in me and making me want to do more with my life. Being in a relationship with someone that is talented as well only strengthens your abilities. Chase reads everything I write and we have dialogue about topics I am starting on and he gives me ideas on future works. Being in a positive and strong relationship only heightens your imagination, after surviving so many obstacles in my past I was able to tap into those moments and create something positive. Each time I revisit those past experiences am I made aware of the blessing that is my life. I gave up on me before I allowed my life to do the same. I realized that my motivation had to come from within and not through other people. Though I have people that love and care for me and support me, I still need that self inspiration, that self belief, and that self motivation. Now that I have worked through my issues my brain feels stronger and the stories I create come out of thin air and the ease of making a world from my mind allows me to have this power over my life in a way. The past can be happy and sad, but one of the things those two sides have in common is that they possess the energy to teach us to focus on our present and our future. If you can’t use what you’ve learned, then what is the point of living? How can you truly live to your full potential if your past is still too difficult to face. The motivation my mom gave me helped me growing up, the motivation Rick gave me helped me in my adult like, and the motivation that Chase gives me prepares me for our future together. My dream of being a father is within reach and I have someone right beside me to support our relationship. Though these individuals have in common the love and support for me, the ultimate dose of motivation comes from me. I see life as a learning tool and as it should be seen. When I am faced with obstacles I start planning on how I will defeat them and what will I do with the lesson I took from them. Life is set up for that exact reason, to teach you, to make you aware, to mold you, and to prepare you for what’s to come. I never give up and the thought of throwing my hands up in defeat is out of the question. My life now is motivated towards the achievements I am working towards now. I want to be the best husband/partner that I can be, I want to be a great support and provider, I want to be the best singer, writer, dancer, and actor that I can be, I also want to be the best stepfather and father to Chase’s kids and to our future children. Life is such an amazing ride if you take your hands from blocking your sight. The feeling that you get on a rollercoaster ride is exactly the way life makes you feel. That moment when you start slowly creeping up to the top makes you feel nervous, anxious, excited, and wired. The moment when you start heading down you feel the weight piling on your back and your shoulders. You can barely breathe from the pressure and it isn’t comfortable at all. Then that drop where everything falls and it is impossible to grab it all back and put it back in place. You try to scream but the velocity of the wind knocks your voice back into your throat. You try to control your air intake but the pressure is too powerful and you have no choice but to give in. While you are falling you hear a voice telling you to let your hands reach out and allow the wind to propel them over your head. At the moment you think you can’t take anymore that pause hits suddenly and it gives you this jolt as it starts all over again. If you don’t take notice of your past and adapt to your future, then your life will be much like the Georgia Cyclone and from personal experience I would not ever want to ride the Georgia Cyclone. Every time I went to Six Flags that ride was the one I hated the most. You get in the seat and automatically you start feeling uncomfortable because the seats are hard with no cushion. When the ride activates, the sound is loud and you hear cracking and popping in the wires and metal as the electricity is surging through. When you take off you get your head snapped back and thrown forward, this is all in the first 10 seconds of the ride. Once the ride has started moving, you feel every bump, crack, jolt, pull, and pop. At this time you know that you are in for a world of hurt. As the ride climbs it shakes and trembles. Your vision is distorted and you cannot focus on anything. As you climb higher and higher you look down on the platform wishing you were just a spectator and not a participator. As soon as it reaches the very top you can hear the power stop and the ride sits there for about another 10 seconds until the unexpected drop hits you. You feel every blemish in the metal as the wheels scrap against them forcefully. When the ride hits towards the left you get thrown to the right, when the ride hits the right you get thrown to the left. You are in total agony throughout the ride and all you can do is pray that it will be over soon. Once you survive the horrible experience you are greeted by the amusement park employees asking if you would like the picture that was taken while you were on the ride. Every single time I stupidly got on the ride my picture shows me with my eyes shut tightly, me grabbing to the bar with all of my might, my mouth wide open from yelling, and the sweat dripping from my forehead praying that this old rickety ride stops and doesn’t fall apart. Not being prepared for the future is much like the experience on the Georgia Cyclone. You feel every bad mistake; you trip over every pump in your carpet that you constantly brushed out of sight, when you experience moments of your life reaching higher to the top it isn’t joy you feel, its fear and uncertainty. When things start to fall the fall is hard, rough, and unforgiving. By the time the ride stops you are left damaged, unhappy, and feeling miserable. Motivation is very powerful and if not followed by positive reinforcement you can be motivated to fail or give up. If you believe in you, if you know what you are capable of, if you are focused and sure of the path you will travel, then please think about you and don’t worry about what other people think. Your destiny isn’t shared with another individual. You must remember that strength is only positive if it comes from you and if it is wrapped in past life lessons. When you fall in love and the person in your life is your cheerleader and the one that has your back, side, and front, you are on the right path and you are headed in the direction set for you. Chase is my inspiration and my support system. Even though my confidence is back to normal and has increased, having him there to keep me focused means the world to me. In a relationship, the partnership aspect is important. If you are friends as well as lovers, your life together will bear fruit that will nourish your life individually and together. I set realistic goals, and I make realistic attempts to fulfill my life journey. As I grow I learn and what I learn only gets put back into my marriage. In order to get support you must support. Now I no longer use the words “I”& “Mine”, my vocabulary has experienced an upgrade as well as my soul. I am my motivator and I welcome the motivation from my Hubby, and I give him the motivation he needs to conquer his goals. Being a powerful person is one thing, but to be a powerful couple makes the world stand in attention and respect.

How I Became Me Chapter 35

Sixth Component: Ambition The secret to success in my opinion, is knowing that you have what it takes to be successful. One should never measure their success with people in their surroundings because no if your ambitions are similar, they will never turn out the same. The pressures to being successful are hard enough, when you try to compare your path with those around you, and then you are setting yourself up for failure. That message is towards those that are trying to achieve something that seems impossible. You are destined for something different than people around you. Just because it may appear that these other people are making it effortlessly doesn’t mean that it is in the cards for you to get it as easily. As far as being ambitious and being in a relationship with someone that strives on a different approach to success, it can either strengthen the relationship or tear it apart. You are bound to meet a partner that sings as good as you sing but feels happy with just singing in the shower or in small venues. You may be in a relationship with a partner that is as funny as you are but only show it around certain people. You be with someone with a natural gift for writing but has no desire to do it as a career. The key to those moments is being supportive but not forceful. At times we can shower our partners with the ambition that we have set for ourselves. You may have talents that are not being recognized and they have talents that are being recognized but they don’t want that life. When that frustration kicks in, it isn’t because you are made that they are sleeping on their talents, it’s because you are frustrated that you aren’t being seen and you are trying but they are being seen and they don’t care. In any form of relationship you should know your place and respect the place of others. When in a relationship that place is a definite and if you overlook that you will push someone right out of your life. You can’t be a partner and a parent to your mate because those forces are way too powerful to try to carry them together. It’s like oil and water, or chlorine and ammonia. There are forces that will cancel one another out, and then there are forces that will destroy one another. If you meet someone that is a “Go Getter” like you then that can be helpful is applied the right way. If you look at the ending result that if one of you make it then the door will be open unto you. If you see it as if they make they’ll leave you behind, then you need to examine what makes you feel that way. If their devotion to you is only limited to their current place in their life then maybe you need to depart before you get the door slammed on your fingers. If you know for certain that once you make it to the success you are driven for and you can’t see yourself turning around to offer a hand to your mate, then maybe you need to spare them the heartbreak of your over ambition and selfish success. Chase and I have many talents and the encouragement we give one another is key to the confidence in knowing that you have what it takes to do what you dream and what you envision. Chase and I can sing but Chase doesn’t write. I love all sorts of music and Chase prefers gospel and neo soul. I want to become an actor and so does Chase. I want to incorporate dance in my career but Chase doesn’t know how to dance. I can write and speak my expression with ease while Chase doesn’t have the patience to formulate his words to paper and he has to get his mind around his conversation because there can be so many things rolling around in his head at one time. Our differences also strengthen our similarities and knowing where we stand on either side of the spectrum makes it easier to hear criticism from one another and taking it has constructive and not destructive. As individuals your talents are like your children, you would go off if anyone tries to discipline them, and you rave in the glory when people praise them. Ambition is a very strong component in life and in love. If you can work tirelessly in the pursuit of success but give up on the relationship when it gets difficult, you have a serious priority issue and you may want to rethink your approach. Ambition can be your strength but it can also be your greatest weakness. When we are overly driven we can at times become victims of people that will take full advantage of that trait. The thought that someone has the key to your success can blind you to the signs that would normally tell you to back off and not trust this individual. We do that thought process when we date but when it comes to success we toss it to the wind and hope for the best. Love should be looked at as success as well as your talents. To meet the right person for you with there being so many people and so many choices should be seen as an achievement and not just another all right moment of triumph. Ambition steps in on the moment you decide that you have found the one and you want the one to notice you. It all takes a boost of ambition to get you to build up your nerve to go for what you want and what you need. Blind ambition applies to those that want but don’t focus on the steps to achieve. These people can be very reckless in their pursuit of success and they do not care what people say, what people feel, how they treat people, and what their negative actions do to others. There is a part of blind ambition that can be used as tools for great achievement and it is that endless strive and unwavering determination. The moment you decide you want to become more that what you are, your brain kicks into high gear and your imagination starts to create a world around the idea that you have made it to the finish line and your career is booming beyond belief. For me, that means your mind is testing you to see if you are ready for what is to come. If the idea of fame terrifies you but you want this to happen so badly, maybe it should be put aside until you have built your mind set up to handling all that comes with that career choice. My dream careers would be sing, writing, dancing, and acting. My experience in those fields have been successful with a smaller surrounding, but when the opportunity presents its self there is a strong surge of passion that builds with the idea so I know for a fact that I will go forth with my dream and the fear doesn’t get the best of me. To know where you’re strongest you need to expose yourself to a level that at least gives you a taste of what is to come. If you take the time to share your talents you’ll be amazed with your reaction. In a relationship the stress level can increase and it isn’t because of the relationship, it’s because you have so much you want to do; now you have this person in your life that supports you and yet you still aren’t getting your feet off of the ground. Without realizing it, your partner can pull you down to reality and give you a wakeup call to stop forcing things and just let them happen. Taking a hold of your destiny doesn’t require that you try to control everything; it just means you need to work towards it and stay focused. In my past relationships I didn’t get the support that was needed to keep me on track. Partially to blame is the men I dated during those moments, but I hold 99% of the blame for not pushing myself and relying on someone else to give me what I needed to succeed. It happens to the best of us, we want to do the right things, we want to get where we know we need to be but we have no idea of how to get there. My experience with Eugene is a perfect example of how far you fall when your dreams are taken from you. Eugene was a rising football star and he was known all over Georgia. His gift for the football field paved the way for him and he didn’t have to work hard at all. It was the perfect example of how the schools treat jocks with a future over great students that are genius in their studies. Being given so much power and control without having the necessary educational tools for life can cripple the jock when their dream is gone. Once Eugene got back on his feet from his car accident, the physical damage was over but the mental hunger for that career he was so close to remained. We could have a serious talk and he used football as metaphors for everything. It was something that stood out very strongly and everyone that witnessed it brought it to my attention. I already knew where those feelings were coming from and there were times when I brought it to his attention. Eugene’s ambition to become a football star was the greatest part of his life. His stardom bridged a gap between him and his siblings, life was simple, money was constant, and the possibilities were endless. After his dream was gone, Eugene was lost in a world where he didn’t feel he belonged. His family wasn’t as great as he thought, money became an issue, and the only happiness he could muster up was when he drank and partied. Alcohol became what we relied on and it seemed to numb him to the pain of what he saw as his greatest failure. By the time Eugene and I started dating the damage was done and it wasn’t enough for me to just love him. He needed to have that life back and because of his health restraints that dream was long gone and he couldn’t cope with being a regular Joe. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t penetrate that brick wall around his heart and I couldn’t defeat that huge ego that followed him throughout his life. Near the end he realized what life he lived and how bad it became. Eugene found clarity however short it was, it was still the last part of his life that needed to be repaired. To die just days after reaching an epiphany is a blessing and at the same time a terrible loss. When he realized that his life was destroyed by the very things he tried to hold on to was huge for him, but he never got a chance to see how life would be after his full circle moment. When I look back at that time it still brings me great sadness. If only he could have lived through the brighter future that was coming. I wish I could have given him that light before it was too late. I know that our past wasn’t the best, but there was an unbreakable bond that no one could penetrate. It took several years for it to become apparent but nonetheless if was there and we created it together. My life and my relationship today is a testimony of the past I survived. My ambition for happiness is far greater than the ambition for a career in the fields I described early on. It truth that came to conclusion for me was no matter how high up the ladder I climbed, once I lost my footing there would be a love there to catch me, to mend me, to help me back on that ladder and climb along side of me as we reached our dreams together. A team isn’t just people placed together for a direct task, a team is a lifelong connection that gets you through life, gets you through what appears to be difficult and impossible. The team consists of people that love one another unconditionally and will always be there right by your side to make sure that you both achieve and build. I have been called extremely ambitious but I am also known for my belief in making everyone around me successful. Fame is boring if you don’t have people to share it with. Becoming the person I know I will become is the first step, but to create a foundation of people that can always remind me of who I truly am when the life takes so much out of me and I fear that I’m changing and losing my way. The people that truly love you will always tell you the truth. If you think you’re good at something and someone that loves you tells you otherwise, then it should be received with the love and respect it was given. The perfect example of people just supporting people and not being honest with them would be those auditions on American Idol. From the moment these people open their mouths the first thing that comes to my mind is that, “This child has no real people in their life to allow them to be on television and make a complete fool of their image”, though I am sure most people will audition despite their supporters honest critique. Ambition is a very attractive quality if worn properly. You can have all the talent in the world, but if you carry yourself as if you’re better than everyone else you can become the ugliest person walking this earth. There is always a too high, too low, and there is that fine line that lands you right in the middle. It’s that middle point that most people miss every time. Ego isn’t always a terrible thing but if you throw it around like a hammer, it gets pegged as the worst thing imaginable. So if you are this ambitious person with visions of your future that includes people you know that have talents but not the resources to get to that finish line, and you picture your success and you opening doors for those that have a focus for their future, then you are on the right track in life and you land right in that middle line of ambition. Success wears many colors and eventually you will get the colors to match and create a beautiful work of art. Be ambitious; teach your younger generation the proper way to achieve the goals that they are setting for their lives. Even if my life doesn’t get to where I imagined, I still feel the luxury of accomplishment because people are aware of my talents and no matter how small the audience, I will still perform and give it my all. I know the truth behind ambition and I also know how to tap into it to live the best way possible. “A man without dreams is a man stuck in a world where his vision is blurred from a lack of stimulation. A man that has passion but doesn’t know how to express it is a man carrying burdens that eventually wear his back out and keeps him from seeing the path ahead. I man without a voice will always be passed over and never given the opportunity to shine. A man that feels he’s better than everyone else will always feel alone because if you think you are better than everyone, then you are saying that no one is good enough for you. Be careful how you express and be mindful of the influence you possess. Being seen as great has its benefits and it also has its downfall. The benefit is encouraging and the downfall is being blind to destruction that is caused by your lack of understanding.” ©11/15/2011 By: Gregory James Upson