Dear Love,
I am actually sitting here laughing to myself about you. The moment I met you I knew that there was something in my life that was missing. Each and every day I grow closer and closer to letting go of that pain from my past. Each day I understand more and more that people are placed in your life for a reason and you are definitely not a season for me. I feel that you are my lifetime.
Being open and honest has always been my personality and being with you, it only makes me understand how important it is for me to stay who I am. Before you, I did for others and neglected myself. I have loss and that loss destroyed the joy in my heart. I never thought that I could laugh, smile, be excited or look forward to tomorrow. I have and will again admit that I burdened you to make right what was wrong in my life. The fears of losing people makes me pressure you to do more, say more, be more than you actually should need to. For that I apologize but as with everything else, I know that I need these experiences to grow through it.
The thought of not seeing you in the morning, talking to you through the day, cuddling with you at night and trying not to choke you while you snore in my ear terrifies me. That fear I have is draining and it can blind me from my blessings. What I am realizing now is that you were created for me, to be in my life, to be by my side, to help me become who I am meant to be.
Your past was paved with living for other people, doing what was expected of you, sacrificing what you wanted and what your heart needed. The thing about your past though, you don’t regret it because it has gifted you with 4 joys that you could not live without. Living that life made you who you are now and I see so much more of you as time goes on. Of course there are still things that need changing but in all honesty I don’t doubt that you will find that change.
I go through my day thinking of how I can thank you for giving me a life where I am no longer chained to my pain, even when we have our moments of disagreement, you show me time and time again that you learn from each of those moments. I now understand where the line is when expressing myself, when the right time is to say the right thing.
We both are still growing but together we grow stronger and I know that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t just for me, it shines for us both. A partnership is as important as family. A lover is needed to heal your soul. A validator is needed to strengthen you. Strong arms are important to give you security. A warm shoulder is necessary when it’s time to just cry. You give me all of these things and more. So as simple as I can say it, thank you.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
The World Beyond My Eyes
Destiny is what you make it
Friday, September 28, 2012
A Letter To My Heart
Dear Friend,
It’s funny how at first when we met I wasn’t sure I would like you at all. Not because you weren’t a wonderful person, not because you didn’t make me smile, and certainly not because you weren’t a beauty to behold, it was because you were just too damn perky and at the time I met you I wasn’t happy so I didn’t see the amazing person that I see now.
Since I’ve known you, you have brought joy into my life. The love that you show me, the care that you give me, the constant and consistent real love you have for me has brought me through so many dark moments in my life.
You are my spiritual connection and through you I am stronger than ever. You encouraged me to go back to school and wouldn’t let up until I did. Once I started you cheered me on and always told me how proud you were of me.
I know that your past life was different than your present. You went through what most of us go through before finding ourselves. Let me tell you this, who you are now and who you are becoming, is amazement to GOD in all of his splendor. You are a walking testament to what beauty, love, compassion, support, and strength means.
As you accomplish more in your life you do not forget those that love you. No matter what issues drop at your feet, you still walk tall and you always smile. That is the most amazing thing about you. Even when you are at your saddest or lowest point, you smile. That is pure joy and love. You live what you speak and that means far more than most.
You make people want more in life just by standing near you. You make people want to live better just by knowing you. You make people want to love stronger because of how you love. I never forget and will never forget or take for granted the perfect gift GOD has given me. You are enough to make me feel like I’ve accomplished everything I needed to in this lifetime.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
It’s funny how at first when we met I wasn’t sure I would like you at all. Not because you weren’t a wonderful person, not because you didn’t make me smile, and certainly not because you weren’t a beauty to behold, it was because you were just too damn perky and at the time I met you I wasn’t happy so I didn’t see the amazing person that I see now.
Since I’ve known you, you have brought joy into my life. The love that you show me, the care that you give me, the constant and consistent real love you have for me has brought me through so many dark moments in my life.
You are my spiritual connection and through you I am stronger than ever. You encouraged me to go back to school and wouldn’t let up until I did. Once I started you cheered me on and always told me how proud you were of me.
I know that your past life was different than your present. You went through what most of us go through before finding ourselves. Let me tell you this, who you are now and who you are becoming, is amazement to GOD in all of his splendor. You are a walking testament to what beauty, love, compassion, support, and strength means.
As you accomplish more in your life you do not forget those that love you. No matter what issues drop at your feet, you still walk tall and you always smile. That is the most amazing thing about you. Even when you are at your saddest or lowest point, you smile. That is pure joy and love. You live what you speak and that means far more than most.
You make people want more in life just by standing near you. You make people want to live better just by knowing you. You make people want to love stronger because of how you love. I never forget and will never forget or take for granted the perfect gift GOD has given me. You are enough to make me feel like I’ve accomplished everything I needed to in this lifetime.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
A Letter To My Soul Sibling
Dear Friend,
First of all, thank you for being in my life. I look forward to seeing your smile when I walk through those office doors. I say it in so many ways but in all honesty, you don’t realize how wonderful, beautiful, special, and amazing you are to me. We talk everyday and with each conversation I find myself loving you more and more.
You, without even knowing, have single handedly healed my heart from the past and the present hardships I have faced. Your story gives me strength, power, understanding, and purpose. A true gift you are, not only to your family, but to mine as well. This new journey you are headed to, it amazes me at how easy you have started it. At first you feared, doubted, and even almost changed your mind. I see how happy you are with the accomplishments and I see how you understand that there is a reward for your dedication and hard work.
I use to quote, “There are angels right here on earth”, but never have I actually experienced one in real life. Selfish isn’t a part of who you are. Though you say you were in the past, I find that hard to believe. You give of yourself in ways that most people would consider being too giving or to easy. I am not blind to the power you have in you, but I love the vulnerability that you show, you understand that it doesn’t make you less; it makes you more than most.
We are parallel souls and I knew from the moment we met that I would have a lifelong relationship with you. You keep me in line, you keep me focused, you keep me in check, and most importantly, you keep it real. Seeing you happy makes me happy. Seeing you down makes me stronger so that I can be there to lift you up.
You are my life now and forever. You may have already figured out how much I love you, but in case you didn’t know the full extent, I love you as if we were surgically removed from each other’s heart.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
First of all, thank you for being in my life. I look forward to seeing your smile when I walk through those office doors. I say it in so many ways but in all honesty, you don’t realize how wonderful, beautiful, special, and amazing you are to me. We talk everyday and with each conversation I find myself loving you more and more.
You, without even knowing, have single handedly healed my heart from the past and the present hardships I have faced. Your story gives me strength, power, understanding, and purpose. A true gift you are, not only to your family, but to mine as well. This new journey you are headed to, it amazes me at how easy you have started it. At first you feared, doubted, and even almost changed your mind. I see how happy you are with the accomplishments and I see how you understand that there is a reward for your dedication and hard work.
I use to quote, “There are angels right here on earth”, but never have I actually experienced one in real life. Selfish isn’t a part of who you are. Though you say you were in the past, I find that hard to believe. You give of yourself in ways that most people would consider being too giving or to easy. I am not blind to the power you have in you, but I love the vulnerability that you show, you understand that it doesn’t make you less; it makes you more than most.
We are parallel souls and I knew from the moment we met that I would have a lifelong relationship with you. You keep me in line, you keep me focused, you keep me in check, and most importantly, you keep it real. Seeing you happy makes me happy. Seeing you down makes me stronger so that I can be there to lift you up.
You are my life now and forever. You may have already figured out how much I love you, but in case you didn’t know the full extent, I love you as if we were surgically removed from each other’s heart.
-Love, Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
A Letter To A Warrior
Dear Friend,
It pains me to see you going through what you are going through right now. As much as I wish I could erase what you are experiencing, I know that you must go through it in order to become stronger. I see you getting things in order, I see you thinking about you and your future, I see you smiling effortlessly, and I see you feeling the strength growing within you.
I am your support and your shoulder, but you already know that. It is important for me to tell you how proud I am of you and where you are headed and what you have survived. You are a true inspiration to people our age struggling through and not understanding our purpose in life. I see a lesson being formed with every action and every decision by you. Though the pain you feel is real, you do not allow it to own you and that must be commended.
The life you are walking away from has blessed you with gifts that no one and no situation can take away. You are still standing, you are still moving, you are still growing, and most importantly you are still you. Never lose the glow that makes everyone around you shine in reflection. Never doubt the possibilities because to be honest, a lot of us shouldn’t be here today but for some reason we are and that is all that matters.
Lastly my friend, don’t look back and label this person as your ex, label them your experience. They have taught you a lot and not only about them, but about you. Be still with your heart and allow the beating to create a song, a rhythm just for you. Follow that beating and make your new life musical and joyous. You know I love you, but you know the importance for people to always say how they feel.
-Love Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
It pains me to see you going through what you are going through right now. As much as I wish I could erase what you are experiencing, I know that you must go through it in order to become stronger. I see you getting things in order, I see you thinking about you and your future, I see you smiling effortlessly, and I see you feeling the strength growing within you.
I am your support and your shoulder, but you already know that. It is important for me to tell you how proud I am of you and where you are headed and what you have survived. You are a true inspiration to people our age struggling through and not understanding our purpose in life. I see a lesson being formed with every action and every decision by you. Though the pain you feel is real, you do not allow it to own you and that must be commended.
The life you are walking away from has blessed you with gifts that no one and no situation can take away. You are still standing, you are still moving, you are still growing, and most importantly you are still you. Never lose the glow that makes everyone around you shine in reflection. Never doubt the possibilities because to be honest, a lot of us shouldn’t be here today but for some reason we are and that is all that matters.
Lastly my friend, don’t look back and label this person as your ex, label them your experience. They have taught you a lot and not only about them, but about you. Be still with your heart and allow the beating to create a song, a rhythm just for you. Follow that beating and make your new life musical and joyous. You know I love you, but you know the importance for people to always say how they feel.
-Love Gregory J. Upson-Watkins
Priceless
In relationships people tend to forget what it takes to make it work. Once you’ve made a commitment to one another you stick to that commitment. When decisions are being made, there should be a conversation had and understood between the two people in the relationship. We allow time to go by without taking full appreciation for the time that we have. No one in life knows when they will be called to the next evolution of existence, yet we put off very important conversations and expressions. You aren’t here forever and once you really understand what that means you may cherish each moment you wake up.
When you love you must love hard and strong. If the other person feels that they aren’t being loved enough, it isn’t always because you don’t love them; it could be that you aren’t in the moment as you should be. Sometimes it is as simple as taking them by the hand and holding them. It could be as romantic as just grabbing them up and dancing to a melodic hum while they melt into your arms. Romance, respect, love, appreciation, validation, and understanding aren’t marked with price tags. As powerful as these needs are, they are free but priceless.
When you love you must love hard and strong. If the other person feels that they aren’t being loved enough, it isn’t always because you don’t love them; it could be that you aren’t in the moment as you should be. Sometimes it is as simple as taking them by the hand and holding them. It could be as romantic as just grabbing them up and dancing to a melodic hum while they melt into your arms. Romance, respect, love, appreciation, validation, and understanding aren’t marked with price tags. As powerful as these needs are, they are free but priceless.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Void
There is this place we go emotionally when we have experienced very traumatic things in our lives. It isn’t a place that you notice right away, it isn’t a place you could explain because when you’re there you aren’t aware of it. This unknown and indescribable place is a place I am in from time to time. It is hard to explain but I will give it a shot.
When people you love the most in the world are taken from you, there are spaces in your soul that go unattended. You grieve, you go through your cycle, but you never truly capture acceptance. When I am in that space I feel the extremes of my emotions. If you are close to me and you do the slightest thing that would normally be brushed off, it actually hurts more. Instantly my response is to shut down, shut you out; make you so fed up with me that you disconnect from me. In doing that, in that moment, I feel like I’m protecting myself from losing you. When we are getting along, the smallest gesture is a feeling of winning the lottery. It could be just the fact that you hugged me, remembered something I said, making me coffee, etc.
You start to feel stronger in areas but the stronger you become the more emotional you are. Where you wouldn’t cry often at all, you cry all the time. Where a moment of fun and laughter was great, it is now so amazing you don’t want the moment to stop. At the end of the night while in bed you face the ultimate fear…death and it sits at your bedside staring you right in your eyes. Your body begins to heat up and your heart races, you have that flash of darkness and you can’t feel anything, you can’t see anything, there isn’t anyone there to grab you, for that moment you feel death taking you. As soon as it starts, it goes away. You lay there wondering what in the hell is going on with me? Why am I not free from this grief? Why am I so terrified at the inevitable?
I call it “The Void”. As I am typing this I am starting to understand it more. It isn’t necessarily death; it is the emptiness that remains when you experience loss. In actuality there will never be anyone to ever fill those places in your soul because the people that are no longer there cannot be replaced. The fear you have is that you actually are trying to forget them; you are placing people in your life to cover the emptiness. When you snap, it’s your subconscious attacking you for attempting to move on and move forward.
If this doesn’t make sense, it’s probably because death and loss doesn’t make sense. We are told about the life cycle, how everything must meet its end, how things happen for a reason, but no one explains what happens to you individually after you’ve gotten to “acceptance”. We are all wired differently, advice on this magnitude is useless because you could never truly understand what that person experiences daily after such a tragedy. Losing my father, brother, mother, lover, cousins, friends, etc changed me and as much as I would love to believe that I am stronger and I am able to make it through it, the truth is, I am still that son, that brother, that cousin, that friend…wishing I could still have that title in the living world and not just in memories. One day I will face the void again, but this time I will not fear it, I will make an attempt to understand it.
When people you love the most in the world are taken from you, there are spaces in your soul that go unattended. You grieve, you go through your cycle, but you never truly capture acceptance. When I am in that space I feel the extremes of my emotions. If you are close to me and you do the slightest thing that would normally be brushed off, it actually hurts more. Instantly my response is to shut down, shut you out; make you so fed up with me that you disconnect from me. In doing that, in that moment, I feel like I’m protecting myself from losing you. When we are getting along, the smallest gesture is a feeling of winning the lottery. It could be just the fact that you hugged me, remembered something I said, making me coffee, etc.
You start to feel stronger in areas but the stronger you become the more emotional you are. Where you wouldn’t cry often at all, you cry all the time. Where a moment of fun and laughter was great, it is now so amazing you don’t want the moment to stop. At the end of the night while in bed you face the ultimate fear…death and it sits at your bedside staring you right in your eyes. Your body begins to heat up and your heart races, you have that flash of darkness and you can’t feel anything, you can’t see anything, there isn’t anyone there to grab you, for that moment you feel death taking you. As soon as it starts, it goes away. You lay there wondering what in the hell is going on with me? Why am I not free from this grief? Why am I so terrified at the inevitable?
I call it “The Void”. As I am typing this I am starting to understand it more. It isn’t necessarily death; it is the emptiness that remains when you experience loss. In actuality there will never be anyone to ever fill those places in your soul because the people that are no longer there cannot be replaced. The fear you have is that you actually are trying to forget them; you are placing people in your life to cover the emptiness. When you snap, it’s your subconscious attacking you for attempting to move on and move forward.
If this doesn’t make sense, it’s probably because death and loss doesn’t make sense. We are told about the life cycle, how everything must meet its end, how things happen for a reason, but no one explains what happens to you individually after you’ve gotten to “acceptance”. We are all wired differently, advice on this magnitude is useless because you could never truly understand what that person experiences daily after such a tragedy. Losing my father, brother, mother, lover, cousins, friends, etc changed me and as much as I would love to believe that I am stronger and I am able to make it through it, the truth is, I am still that son, that brother, that cousin, that friend…wishing I could still have that title in the living world and not just in memories. One day I will face the void again, but this time I will not fear it, I will make an attempt to understand it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Where I Am Now
It is a Friday and I am at my desk looking into the day ahead
I find it funny how we can be in the moment but not actually there in the moment
I would normally find that to be the wrong insight but after so many obstacles and changes I've experienced, I now understand why that is
We are in the moment and truly want to participate in it, but there is a part of us that we can't even hold in one place for too long
The human brain has abilities that we have yet to fully discover
So in that instance why are we questioning what our brains do, which is what comes natural
You will be amazed at what is stored in your mind
At the moments when quiet is all you have...embrace it, appreciate it, and learn from it
We tend to talk so much that we forget that it is within the quiet we find our answers, our purpose, our direction...
If you are around people that talk and talk with no pause button, then maybe you should instruct them to take a break or remove yourself from that circle
If you find yourself sitting and everything around you constantly stays in motion, the noises continue, people are doing what they do, but you cannot be distracted from your mind set...that is the moment to relish in
I use to feel bad when on dates I couldn't give him my entire focus
I felt that I was rude when someone was telling a story and I instantly went into my mind putting together and taking apart what I'd just heard
I now understand that there are thinkers and there are talkers
It is rare for people to process thought to conversation thoroughly but it is possible
I enjoy the journey of the mind because it is endless, it is constant, it is amazing, and it is me
Where I am now, life has more for me to learn
Where I am now, I see people for who they truly are
Where I am now, I know that I am in love with the right person
Where I am now, I know that I love me better than anyone ever could but appreciate the fact that he is neck and neck with the love I have for me
Where I am now, the future is mine and I owe no one anything
Where I am now...can't really give you a closed answer because my journey has just started
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