How I Became Me Chapter 21

After so many ups and downs in my last couple of months I decided that the craziness just had to stop. I felt that there wasn’t a specific time frame to start dating especially since I’d started hanging out pretty heavy. I marked that chapter in my life as the moment when I lost myself and now that I was better and more focused on living better I could start all over again. The dating scene was far more complicated for me when I was younger. After I started dating Eugene exclusively I never worried about what it meant to be back on the market. Now that I’ve had so many years of love, loss, good, bad, and indifferent I felt that I could balance dating guys without the emotional attachment. I was the type of person that fell in love instantly with someone that showed me attention. If a guy was interested in me I took that feeling and ran with it. I wasn’t given a rule book on life because for the most part of my youth I kept my sexuality a secret. I saw people living out loud and proud but never had someone close to me to share the experiences, what to and what not to do. I wasn’t sure what I should look for. The only thing I knew for sure was what part of intimacy I fell in. Of course I had Jennings and William supporting me as I started getting back into the dating scene. They both were pretty busy daters and I would always make jokes that now I was out there looking for a man there wouldn’t be any left because of the several guys they dated. There was a part of me that just didn’t want to step back out there with all of my past baggage and the issues I still faced. To meet a man and if it turns serious they find out that your man before them died may give them a bit of a pause to pursue or it could make them a little leery about getting too close to you. The crazy thing about Jennings and me is that we come up with names for the guys that we date. We create a name that describes their personalities or something that stands out about them. We get so good with the nicknames that we totally forget their real names. I always joke with Jennings that one day we’ll end up calling them by the nickname instead of their real name. Weeks later I connected with a gentleman…I will just call him “Look at Me”. Jennings and I came across that name because it was a song on one of our favorite movies, “Jackie’s Back” staring Jenifer Lewis. The song was about how much she loved herself and how people just cherished her. It was the craziest and funniest song I’ve ever heard. The first night “Look at Me” came over he barely gave me eye contact. He sat down on my couch so close to the end I could barely see the throw pillows. He would only answer the questions that I asked with one-word answers. He looked like he was kidnapped and being interrogated. The next time he came over we tried to get intimate. He was so self-conscience about his body that he wouldn’t take off his shirt or his shorts. I just laughed to myself. He wouldn’t kiss and he kept hiding his fingers. At one moment I glanced and noticed that he had nail fungus on two of fingers. I’ve never seen someone have nail fungus on his hands before even though I know it’s possible. The sex was horrible. He was so amazed at my ass and that’s all he gave attention to. We didn’t do much of anything. He would just lie down and rub my cheeks. He would lay his head on my back and just play with my ass. He did this for hours and that’s all he did. When he left I knew that I didn’t want to further our communication. I was so freaked out that I had to call Jennings that next morning. We laughed about it as usual. It seemed like I was dating characters from sitcoms. The next guy that I started dating was nicknamed “Banana”. That name was properly given to him because his penis was shaped and curbed like a banana. He was from Africa and he was Muslim. Our first meeting was exciting I must say. He was such a passionate man and I was surprised because I didn’t sense that when we talked over the phone. From there on we talked every day. He came to spend a few hours with me because he had friends from Africa visiting and they didn’t know that he was bi-sexual. That weekend was the last time I saw him. He told me when we first met that he would have to fast the entire month of September. I was like that was fine, but I didn’t think that I wouldn’t hear from him. I called and got no answer, I texted and got no answer, I emailed and got no response so I just let it go. I didn’t hear from him. My birthday was coming up and I’d planned a trip for Jeff and me. Since he was gone, Jennings and I decided to take it together. We went to Orlando Florida. It was a nice trip and I truly needed that get-a-way. While driving there I received a call from, “Look at Me”. He was just wishing me a Happy Birthday. A week before we left on the trip I had a serious conversation with “Look at Me”. Look at Me: “I’m not that good with communication.” Me: “Well how are you trying to get to know me, if you can’t keep in contact with me?” Look at Me: “I’m more of a loner and I prefer to keep to myself at times. So if you’re not cool with that I understand.” Me: “Let me tell you this…I think that you are just afraid to get into a relationship so you’ll use this bullshit to keep people at a distance. I haven’t tried to call you but you keep trying to get in contact with me. I’m not pursuing you and I wouldn’t date someone like you anyway. How can you try to date me and then tell me that you prefer to be alone? That explains why none of your relationships work. You just have way too many hang-ups and I’m not trying to invest in someone’s drama.” That was the extent of our last conversation. I guess I hit a nerve because he started texting and calling me more. It didn’t matter though because I decided to leave him alone. I erased every number I had from the guys I started dating after I slowed down on the club, drinking and sleeping around. I wanted to refocus and get my life back on track. Being in my new place made me feel so much better, I didn’t feel like I was sharing a space with my lost lover anymore. I could feel my strength coming back to me. I no longer needed to sleep with the television on and I wasn’t afraid to be alone at night. When I was lost, drinking, clubbing and sleeping around it was because I was terrified of being alone. I felt like I needed a warm body next to me so that I could survive. After experiencing that, I felt I was ready for a relationship but I kept meeting so many guys with so many issues. I wasn’t meeting anyone that wanted what they told me they wanted. This move opened my eyes; to me, and all of the things I knew that I could have. I felt guilty at wanting to be in love again so shortly after Eugene passed away. I started realizing that I just wanted my life back. I experienced so many devastating drawbacks and I didn’t want to fall again. I could never replace Eugene, but I could start a new chapter in my life. I could look at a different journey and not look back. Once that decision was made I felt less pressed to find someone and more excited at the chance of meeting Mr. Right. It felt so real to me at that very moment. I no longer carried so much baggage. I knew that I was still in mourning, and I had to be honest with myself. I cried when I needed to and I thought of good times to keep me going. Shortly after moving into my new place I met this guy. I will call him, “The Sleepy Jamaican”. Our first conversation was just so great. We talked about relationships, family, future goals and everything else under the sun. It’s been so long since I had a conversation like that. We decided to meet that night and go to dinner. When I got to his place I was immediately blown away. He had no furniture in his living room and his bedroom was junkie. He had a twin mattress inside of a king sized bed frame. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The Sleepy Jamaican: “So where do you want to eat?” Me: “Doesn’t matter to me, you pick a place.” I said trying to hurry up and get out of this apartment. It was a test for me not to judge too quickly. I didn’t want to turn down a chance to get to know this man simply because he didn’t have all of the things I thought he should have. Besides, we talked very well together and that was more important than his possessions. The other test was me being back in Decatur. I haven’t been through this side of town since I packed Rick’s things and took them to my home. I never thought I would ever have the courage to drive through his last living area. I really impressed myself and took that as a sign that I was on the right track. The first night was great. We talked and got to know a lot about one another. We had great chemistry and we were very attracted to each other. Our first sexual experience was very intense and I just couldn’t believe how things were connecting. Then I found out that he worked right up the street from me. He was a mechanic and I felt that I hit the jackpot. I knew that I never had to worry about my car having problems when I had a man that could take it apart and put it back together again. Things seemed to be working great for me. Not long after that high I started experiencing the down falls of, “The Sleepy Jamaican”. He slept all night long and on through the morning. We no longer had sex anymore because he claimed that he was more of a morning person. We didn’t go to any special places to eat because all he wanted was buffet styled eateries. I was so bored with him. We stopped having deep conversations because he slept all of the time. If he wasn’t sleeping, he was eating. So one Sunday I decided to call him on these things to see if there was a way to get us back on track. The Sleepy Jamaican: “Good Morning.” Me: “We need to talk.” I said sitting in the chair right beside the couch that he had planted his self in. The Sleepy Jamaican: “What’s wrong?” He said sitting up. Me: “You sleep all night and then you work in the morning. On the weekends we don’t do anything because you are sleeping until the late afternoon. We don’t have conversations anymore and you aren’t even trying to get to know me. I let you spend the night with me these last few weeks to get to know one another and all you do is sleep. You haven’t taken an interest in anything about me and I don’t know anything about you because you aren’t talking. I’ve been through hell and I’ve told you about these things. Not once have you talked to me about them and you don’t even notice when I’m feeling down. I don’t need a roommate and I don’t need someone using me for a comfortable place to sleep. What’s going to happen now, we’re either going to talk this out or this is over. What do you have to say?” I said feeling myself getting fed up and irritated. He didn’t say a word. His mouth just hung open like he was so in shock. I felt so disgusted that I just got up and started to put my clothes on. The Sleepy Jamaican: “Where are you going?” He said looking concerned. Me: “I’m taking you home. We’re done.” I said handing him his clothes out of the closet. The ride to his place was quiet and when he got out of the car he had nothing to say. I felt so relived and so much better that I got all of that off of my chest. I got home and cooked me a nice dinner. I enjoyed the peace and quiet of my Sunday. After yet another dead end dating experience I decided to go online to see if I could have better luck with meeting guys. The first guy I met seemed to be really cool. He was heavy set but cute and had a lot of things in common with me. He was really into church, he loved singing, he loved writing, and he was looking for a friendship that would blossom into a relationship. Reading his profile I felt like I could at least create a friendship with someone interested in the things that I was interested in. So I sent him a friend request and he accepted. Shortly after that we started sending messages to one another and then that led to us exchanging phone numbers. I will call him, “Atlanta Bear.” The first time I requested us meeting he said he had to work at church. I figured that if he’s really into church like that then he might be a really cool guy. The night came for us to meet and I got the call from him a little before I got off of work. Atlanta Bear: “Hey there you. How are you doing?” Me: “I’m almost off, so do you want me to meet you out somewhere or do you want to meet at the church?” Atlanta Bear: “We can meet at the church because I’ll be working with the youth. You can come in and assist me.” I was so impressed and moved by his suggestion that I totally started getting that much more excited. After hanging up I went to Angel and told her about Atlanta Bear. I was so over the hills for this guy and Angel could tell how happy and excited I was. Angel: “I hope it works out. I can’t remember the last time I saw you this happy.” Me: “It feels good to feel excited again. I’m not really putting everything in meeting this guy but I can feel myself getting back out in the world and dealing with everyday life again. I gave Angel a kiss and headed to my car. I wasn’t trying to think ahead, I wanted to be realistic and open-minded about meeting different people so I decided to shut off the judgment switch and dive in with both eyes open. Once I left my job’s parking lot I plugged up my GPS and called Atlanta Bear so that I could start my drive to his church. Atlanta Bear: “Hello.” He said sounding like he didn’t know who I was. Me: “I’m leaving now. I need directions to get to your church.” Atlanta Bear: “Maybe I should come to your place when I’m done at church. I won’t be able to say much to you because of what I have to do with the kids. I don’t want you riding way out here and all I can do is walk out and say hi. So when I’m done here I’ll call you.” Needless to say I was very disappointed. I was a bit angry as well. He told me that I could help him with the kids and now he’s saying that I couldn’t even come in the church. I decided not to get too upset about it. Me: “Ok…that’s fine. Do what you need to do and call me when you can.” I said trying to cover my real feelings. Atlanta Bear: “Thanks baby…man you are so sweet. I’ll see you later tonight.” On my way home I started trying to think of what I should have planned. I know I didn’t want there to be sex on our first meeting because it seemed like that was expected and I mess up every time when I do it. This felt different even though our plans were changed I still had high hopes for us. 9 o’clock came around and there was no call. 10 0’clock came around and still no call. 11 o’clock came around and I was in bed falling asleep. The next morning I called his phone and got no answer. Then I waited for a minute and texted him, still no answer. So I decided to call Jennings to see what he was up to, Jennings: “What up heffa?” Me: “What you up to fool?” Jennings: “Running some errands but I want to hang out today. You want to come out and meet me?” Me: “You took the words right out of my mouth.” Jennings: “Cool. Meet me at, “The Cracker Barrel” in 15 minutes.” Me: “I’ll see you there.” The entire day was great. We ate and talked, and then we went shopping down at The Atlantic Station. While we were hanging out our other buddy William called. He was bored and wanted to meet up with us. We met up at TGI Fridays. We sat around drinking cocktails and tripping like we usually do. On our way out of the restaurant I got a text message. I looked at my phone and it was Atlanta Bear. The text message said: Hey! I am so sorry I’m just getting back to you. My roommate and I were in a car accident and my phone’s face broke so I couldn’t call you. I thought you would have called me to see why I didn’t call but that’s cool. Hit me up when you get this. I instantly got angry as hell. I called Jennings and William to my car and asked them to listen to what I just got on my phone. Jennings: “How in the hell can he text you if his phone’s face cracked?” William: “Sounds like his fat ass is full of shit!” They both knew what a big deal it was for me even thinking of getting deep with someone after losing Eugene. Even though it was early in the connection I still thought that there was potential for us to have at least a good start. William: “Let’s go to Bull Dog’s.” Jennings: “Hell yeah!” Me: “Let’s do it.” We drove in separate cars so while on our way there I got a phone call. It was Atlanta Bear. Atlanta Bear: “Hey there baby. What’s going on? I haven’t heard from you at all. Did you get my message?” Me: “Yeah I just got it. I read that you were in a car accident and your phone broke.” Atlanta Bear: “Yeah…we were leaving the church and someone rode out in front of us and we hit them right in the back. My phone flew out my hand and cracked against the dash.” Me: “Wow! Are you all right?” I said sounding dry as hell. Atlanta Bear: “Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t have your number down anywhere. I wanted to surprise you but when you didn’t respond to my message I had to call.” Me: “Surprise me with what?” I said getting bored with the conversation. Atlanta Bear: “Remember how you said you loved India Arie? Well I have concert tickets for us.” Me: “I thought you said that they were for you and your roommate.” Atlanta Bear: “They were but when I stood you up I told him that I had to make it up to you. So do you want to go tomorrow?” Me: “Sure!” I said getting excited to finally see my girl perform live. Atlanta Bear: “I’ll call you tomorrow morning, so be up because I want us to have the whole day together.” Me: “Cool.” Atlanta Bear: “Hey I got something even better. Since I’m already out, why don’t I meet you at the club and when you’re ready to leave we can just hang out and I could chill with you tonight on through tomorrow. I just want to make things up to you.” Me: “Sure…why not?” I said not even feeling his crap anymore. At this point I had no intention of playing his game any longer. I did want to see India perform so I figured I could get something out of the deal. After a long night of dancing and just having a ball with my boys I came home and crashed. As I suspected there was no call from Atlanta Bear. It trips me out the lengths sorry ass boys will go, knowing that they don’t have the true intentions God gave them. Back in the day that would have really hurt my feelings, but since I’ve survived what I went through not much bothers me anymore. The next afternoon I woke up around 12ish and there was no message at all from Atlanta Bear. So I decided to leave him one. My message to Atlanta Bear: Well I guess you’ve had another unfortunate accident. Let me guess…your phone broke in half and now you can’t read anything. I find it funny that you can’t see whose calling or texting you but you can call and send me a text message. I really thought that we were connecting and I thought that we could establish a good friendship but I see that you are just like the rest of the sorry ass boys on the computer. You tell people what they want to hear and then you show them the truth. I thought that you were humble and an all around nice guy but I guess even someone as fat as you can think that they have the ability to play with someone’s emotions! You take care and I hope you get another phone! After I sent the text I felt so much better. I didn’t let my anger linger because it would have ruined my day and he wasn’t worth the time. I started to build up this shield that protected me from sorry guys like that. I wouldn’t allow myself to become bitter because it’s not worth blinding myself from the right man who could be coming into my life before I knew it. The one good thing about this was I knew I was ready to try my hand at a relationship again. I was scared at first but I found myself getting excited to be with someone and wanting to start new memories and experience someone else’s life story other than my own for a change. That Monday morning I came to work and went online. I immediately deleted Atlanta Bear from my buddy list and posted a journal entry just for him. Tomorrow Most guys that I meet always ask me, "Why are you still single?" It's a question that I dread at times because when I answer them it sometimes will change the level of our conversation. Knowing that I was in a 10 year relationship makes them hopeful and sure that I am relationship material, but when I tell them that my lover died they tend to feel apprehension or maybe nerves...I'm not sure. Typically I kind of wait until I tell them that piece of my life. I hate to drop so much heavy info on someone that I just met but I like to try to get things out of the way as quickly as possible. So far I have been impressed with the magnitude of great guys out there. TAGGED has renewed my faith in men. Dating again was a huge fear for me because I know how things have changed and there aren't that many genuine men out there anymore. People are so caught up with quick conquests and not willing to invest and grow with anyone any more. What happened to that love for life mentality? What happened to ride or die men that wanted their Boo to stay on their side through whatever? The generation coming may never experience real love because people are so hung up on nonsense and unnecessary drama. We all have hearts and I refuse to believe that no one is capable of loving someone. I have met one guy from TAGGED that turned out to be a waste of space and time. He lied to me from the start...even knowing my situation and what I'd experienced. To him I pray that he finds a heart and learns the proper way to use it. To the great guys that I'm talking to on a regular basis I pray that life brings you many blessings! Because you have made me realize that there is hope for me and I have every reason to look forward to, "Tomorrow!" After posting that I got a friend request from a guy I’ll call “Bottom Heavy”. I accepted his friend request and he immediately sent me his phone number. I thought about what I’d just experienced and then decided to follow my own advice. I wasn’t going to judge people before giving them a chance. Bottom Heavy: “Hello.” Me: “Hi. Thanks for sending me a request and your phone number.” Bottom Heavy: “Well I just read your journal and I wanted to apologize to you for experiencing that. I also read that your lover passed this year, so I was a little angry that you met someone that wasted your time like that.” For the rest of the evening, right up to the time I was going home we talked on the phone. Once again I started this wonderful conversation and I was intrigued by how he kept me laughing. Bottom Heavy: “I know it’s early to ask this but I want to ask it anyway. Can we meet up tonight? We could meet out for dinner, a movie…whatever you feel comfortable doing.” Bottom Heavy said. Me: “You know I appreciate the offer but I have a lot to do when I get home. What about tomorrow after work we meet up?” I said trying to divert the possibility that he only wanted a booty call. Bottom Heavy: “I aim to please. Call me when you get home. I really enjoyed talking to you tonight.” Bottom Heavy said sounding very understanding. The rest of the night we talked until I fell asleep on the phone. When I awoke the next morning the phone was pressed in my neck so tightly that it left an imprint. When I looked at my phone I saw that Bottom Heavy sent me a text saying: That was so cute of you to fall asleep while we talked. It made me feel like I was in high school again. I can’t wait to meet you. I have a feeling that you are going to spoil me rotten. Sweet dreams and think of me today at work. When I got to work I checked my page and saw that Bottom Heavy left me a lot of nice comments and even wrote a journal about me on his page. I was very impressed and flattered. I sent him some comments back and we started to talk online up until my lunch break. Bottom Heavy: “So are you excited about meeting tonight?” Me: “I am…after what I just experienced it would be nice to meet a cool guy that makes me laugh. I look forward to tonight.” I said feeling a little more at ease. For the rest of the day we emailed and texted one another. We made the plan that he would come to my place with dinner and I would get some movies. I had a large collection and there were several movies that I called out to him that he hadn’t seen. When I got home I went and took a quick shower and started getting the living room ready for company. 9 o’clock came around and there was no call and no knock on the door. 10 o’clock came around and still no call and no knock on the door. I decided not to get myself caught up like last time so I decided to call him but realized that I left his number at work; around 11:30pm or so I got a call. Me: “Hello…” I said sounding very sleepy. Bottom Heavy: “Man what happened to you?” Bottom Heavy said sounding upset. Me: “What do you mean what happened to me? What happened to you? You didn’t call and you didn’t show up.” I said sitting up in bed. Bottom Heavy: “I got to Norcross and remembered that I forgot your directions. I tried to call you but I realized that I left your phone number at home.” Me: “If you forgot the directions, how did you get to my apartment complex?” I said having a flashback of bullshit. When I asked the obvious questions there was silence for a moment. So before he could come up with another lie I interjected my feelings on the matter. “Look…don’t waste your time trying to come up with something clever. I’ve dealt with little boys like you before. You go ahead and sleep, but rest assure that I won’t be loosing sleep over you. Good night.” I said hanging up on him and then cutting my phone off. The next morning while I was about to delete Bottom Heavy from my buddy list I received a notification that someone picked me as a match. I looked at their profile and all they had, as a picture was a shot of their lips. I was like…”What the hell.” As soon as I picked him I received a friend request. I started laughing to myself because it seemed like as soon as I get rid of one another one tries. I still wasn’t’ convinced that I should breakaway from trying so I decided to accept his friend request. As soon as we emailed each other I got this amazing feeling. I felt like I knew him already. It was as though I was waiting on this very moment to happen. Even though I ran into one bad apple after the next, I never stopped believing that there was a good guy out there. As soon as we started talking I knew that I found the right one. We got so engaged into one another I didn’t realize that I was talking to this man every single day. We were sending messages online, texts and talking all through the day. It was as if we’d know one another before. Before I knew it we were making plans to meet. It was so out of the norm for me because I never imagined myself riding a long way to meet any man. He lived in Macon GA with a roommate. He was recently separated from his wife and was pursuing divorce. He has 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl. Everything in me told me that I was going to be with him even though he had so much on his plate. Once again I would be his first gay relationship but it didn’t scare me off. There was this part of me that wanted to know him more and be there for him as he went through this transition. Eugene never had a relationship with a man when I met him and that transition was very difficult and ended with him being taken from me. I felt to myself that if I want happiness I have got to stop thinking of where I came from and focus on where I would like to be. His family didn’t know he was gay and it was hard for him to get his life back together leaving his wife. She told him that she didn’t want to be married anymore so he left everything behind. I felt my heart breaking as he told me what he went through. I felt more and more connected to him everyday we talked. That Friday I decided that I wanted to see him face to face. Me: “I have school Saturday but I can drive up there right after.” I said to Chase. Chase: “Ok…I’ll tell my roommate that I’m having company.” Chase said sounding nervous. Me: “Am I coming up there for a few hours or should I pack an overnight bag?” I asked trying to figure out if we were on the same page or not. Chase: “You can bring an overnight bag.” Chase said with no hesitation. Not once did I question his sincerity. I felt like everything was meant to be and I couldn’t explain how I could feel this way about a man I’ve talked to on the phone for several days. It was as though we were already in a relationship. That Saturday morning I couldn’t wait for school to end. We texted each other up until it was time for me to leave. The entire ride to Macon I imagined my life with him and what I was going to face with what he had going on. It didn’t scare me at all, if anything I felt like I was being prepared for this very relationship. When I pulled up and walked upstairs I was greeted with the warmest smile I’d ever seen. We sat down and talked all night and before I knew it I was sitting on his bed with him sitting between my legs as I unbraided his hair. It was as if this moment had happened before. The day was December 6th and that’s the very day that I fell in love with “Chase”. The man that saved my life from the sorrow I lived, the pain I carried, the uncertainty I held, and the fear of never loving again. Looked like life was finally giving me back the happiness I dreamed of so long ago.

How I Became Me Chapter 20

Finally unpacked the last box and I feel so at home in my new apartment. As with every move I’ve ever made, I cannot settle until every box has been emptied and every last picture is hanging on the wall. Though I was in my new place I still carried a box that belonged to Eugene holding all of his pictures, awards, and the rest of his clothes. That entire ordeal after his death actually was more painful to deal with than his death its self. Shortly after Eugene died Connie started calling me and saying that she wanted us to put our past aside to lay Eugene to rest. I was on board because throughout my years with Eugene I welcomed his family into our relationship but they chose not to participate. We lived in several homes and only one of his siblings ever came in to visit. I was always trying to push Eugene to have a good relationship with his family. When they called those times to just attack him I would try to make him see it from a different perspective. I tried to get him to be the bigger person. From what I could gather Eugene’s relationship with both their mother and father made the rest of them jealous. It also didn’t help that Eugene was almost a football legend. He was meant for it and he was damn good at it. They enjoyed the wealth of his success but were bitter because they didn’t have any of their own. The oldest brother stayed away from the family, the brother next to him was a pastor but never tried to bridge the gap in their family, the brother next to him was selfish and money hungry, he always sized people up by what they had and how much they had, the brother under him was a total lost cause, he was a severe alcoholic and at the time he was the only openly gay sibling, but everyone treated him like he was a child. I was not surprised that Eugene was more together and more family oriented. Their sister Connie was also a lost cause. She dated the wrong men, was married to a man that beat her, she had a daughter that was spoiled and didn’t respect authority, shortly after the death of their mother Connie had a little boy by another man that didn’t stick around. It started to become sad to be in their presence and see how they interacted with one another. I admit that my family has its share of dysfunction but at least we should affection and always said we loved one another. At times I felt like I was sitting in a house with a bunch of friends or people just meeting for the first time. It wasn’t what I was use to but I could tell how desperately Eugene wanted it to be better. Thinking that Connie was really trying to make things right between she and I so that we could band together to lay Eugene to rest I agreed to work with her. She told me how the other brothers wouldn’t work with her; all they did was criticize everything she suggested, and they thought that Eugene left a lot of money and she was trying to keep it to herself. I felt sorry for her because even though she caused a lot of issues with Eugene and with our relationship she was still the only sibling he always kept in contact with so I figured I could put my personal feelings for her aside to do a last wish of Eugene’s. Almost from the very start of working together I felt that it was going south but I wanted to remain positive. When she came to the townhouse to get some of his belongings she started pulling any and everything that assumed was Eugene’s. I would have to stop her and tell her what was mine and what wasn’t leaving. She got his clothes, she picked out a suit to bury him in and then she started asking about artwork, movies, music, and anything that seemed to hold value. I gave her one of our televisions. I owned a 34 inch black color television and Eugene had a 34 inch silver color television. I knew that he loved that television so I gave it to her. She then started looking on the walls at our artwork and immediately told her that I was keeping everything we purchased as a couple. While she was at my home getting Eugene’s things together Peggy, Hoyte, William and his lover Mike were downstairs to support me. I handed Connie Eugene’s car keys and told her to take his car as well. It was going to be repossessed because after Eugene lost his job he couldn’t afford to pay the car note. Right before she was about to get in the car I took my cd books from the trunk and told her the rest of his belongings in the car were all his. When I grabbed my cds I could tell she had an issue with it but I didn’t care. My mine was focused on getting everything I could to her so I wouldn’t need to have her come back over for anything. Before she was about to leave she asked would I write a poem to go in his obituary. I was flattered that she asked me that and also shocked that she knew I was a writer. Apparently Eugene must have informed her of my writing. There was a spark in my heart when she said that and I felt I needed to repay the gesture. I offered to give her $500 towards the arrangements. I wrote out a check and told her if she needed anymore help from me to just call. I saw her tearing up and felt that she was trying to hold it together. Then all of a sudden the moment was killed when she said… “I want you to be in the service but not a lot of people knew that Eugene was gay. I want to make sure my brother is respected so would you mind if I changed your first name to a female name but keep your last name. I just want people to think he was with a woman and not a man.” It took every single bit of strength I had not to jump over the bed to grab her neck. I could just picture Jane Fonda on “Monster-In-Law” when she had her nervous breakdown while interviewing the airheaded pop singer. “I would rather not be in the program if I can’t be who I am. I was his partner and I was here with him for almost 10 years. I was already hurt by the fact that I couldn’t even give the ambulance permission to take his body because we were a gay couple.” I managed to stay calm and express my feelings without allowing the angry to rise to the surface. She nodded her head and said she would call me later to go over the arrangements. She apologized for asking me something so stupid but I figured that it wouldn’t get any better than that and I was right. After she left I broke down, Peggy and William were there to embrace me and get me through it. They both told me that I was so strong to be able to get things taken care of the way I was so soon after his death. I just knew in my heart I had to do this because I didn’t want the back and forth between me and his family to last any longer than it needed to. By that weekend I was out shopping and enjoying the fact that I decided to stay in the townhouse. While I was out shopping Connie called and said that I needed to write out another check because the one I gave her was wrong and they wouldn’t let her cash it. She then went on to say that I should write it out to a friend of hers that was helping her with the arrangements. I felt uneasy by that statement because I knew the funds were in the bank and I have been writing checks for year. Why would she have an issue cashing the check? I called Jennings and told him what Connie had just told me. His response was exactly how I was feeling. He felt that she was trying to get more money out of me because she thought that Eugene and I had a lot of cash and she also thought I had an insurance policy out on him. At one point I did have Eugene under me as my beneficiary and I also had life insurance on him. He told me to take him off because it was taking too much money out of my check. While I was shopping I decided to call the bank and when I called the bank I found out that the check was being processed. It dawned on me what was happening. She tried to work me on her side against her brothers because she knew I wouldn’t talk to any of them. So when I realized what she was trying to do I cancelled the check and made up my mind to cancel any further dealings with his family. I came to the conclusion that I took care of Eugene for almost 10 years and they not once helped me out. They never came to our home and they never supported their brother. So now that he needs to be laid to rest I felt it best that they work together and do that for him. I couldn’t deal with anymore of their drama and sneakiness. After I cancelled the check I started getting threatening messages from Connie. She stated that I was there when Eugene died and I didn’t do anything to help him. She said that the pictures on the walls were all Eugene’s, that all of the cds in the car were his, she said that the movies downstairs in the living room were all his. She went on and on with these crazy allegations. At the time I was spending the night at Peggy’s and the service wasn’t good in her area so I didn’t get all 14 of her harassing phone messages until I was on my way home. I attempted to end the bad blood once and for all. I called her back and told her to stop calling my phone with the negativity. I told her that what she was doing wasn’t honoring the memory of her baby brother. I also told her that what I gave her was all she was going to get and I would prefer that she stopped calling me. Her response was negative and I wasn’t surprised that she would keep this childishness going. I stopped listening to them and stopped answering them. A few nights later I decided that I was going to the authorities to have her charged with deformation, harassment, and terroristic threats. I actually went to the Gwinnett County police department and got all of the necessary paperwork to file against her. Not to mention the fact that of Eugene’s death Connie and Jimmy took what they thought was a box of Eugene’s. The box contained my personal belongings and not to mention my passport. I called the officer that was first on the scene the night of Eugene’s death and he told me I would have to file a claim and take her to small claims court. That entire day I was researching how I could get her for what she did. By the end of the day I was exhausted with such vengeance and hate. I never ever hated anyone before but I found out how toxic hatred could be. I thought of nothing more than to ruin her. I even imagined going to her house, breaking in and getting back my belongings, and then set the house on fire. I didn’t feel like me at all, there was this bitter and angry entity taking over my mind and my heart. I couldn’t shake it to save my life. I continued to listen to the messages through the night and it only fueled the hatred building up in me. My therapist had given me a sleep aide to keep me from staying up all night. I took two pills instead of one and I prayed that it would just put me into a deep slumber so that I could rest my entire being. I was so awful and I felt every negative emotion that I fought over my life and I was not pleased with how I was feeling. I was going out and drinking more, I was looking for a man every night I went out to just feel something other than the pain I was struggling with. Having sex felt like I was taking back control of my life, I picked the men, I picked when I wanted them, and I told them when to leave. I just needed to have something other than grief around. This night I didn’t feel like leaving the house. I felt that if I got in my car I would actually go over to Connie’s and God only knows what I would have done. Eventually the pills kicked in and I fell asleep. I don’t know what time it was when I finally felt it kick in but I was so happy to feel my eyes getting heavy. That night I had a dream about Eugene and I. In the dream Eugene came home and we embraced. In the dream he was just gone and everyone thought that he’d died. I remember him looking at my cell phone and getting upset that he saw another man calling me. I told him that I thought he was dead and I tried to move on with my life. He smiled and understood what I did and why I had to do it. While he was unpacking his bags his phone started ringing. I picked up the phone and saw that it was Connie calling him. I told him that he needed to talk to Connie because he was harassing me and she accused me of killing him. He said that he was staying away from her because he didn’t need that drama so soon after coming back home. He leaned in to kiss me and then we held one another. When I woke up my heart was at ease. The anger that I was feeling was no longer there. I remembered taking my phone off of the charger to delete the messages Connie left and to my surprise they were all deleted. I know for a fact that I didn’t touch them and they had only been in my phone for less than a week. I saved every message she left me and now they were gone. I looked up towards the sky and I said…”Damn Eugene you are still taking care of me. Thank you and I am so sorry to have allowed those feelings to get the best of me.” I took one last look at that box sitting in my spare room in my new apartment and I thought to myself, “It’s not time to get rid of it yet.” I knew I still had to slowly separate my future from my past and now that I had this new found sense of peace I didn’t want to upset it by moving too fast towards closure.

How I Became Me Chapter 19

After a long and grueling ordeal after the death of Eugene I finally made a decision to continue living in our town home. My sister Peggy wanted me to move in with her and Hoyte but they didn’t have space, my friend Angel wanted me to live with her but she had way too many people living in her home already. The subject of moving out came with the difficulty of being in the town house alone. There was a part of me that felt I needed to stay and then there was that part of me that said I needed to close this chapter of my life and move on to something new. The day time was always all right but I couldn’t sleep. When the sun went down I would experience moments of extreme fear and I felt as though someone was walking right behind me with every step I took. I would try my best to sleep through the night to see if I could but it never worked. It seemed as though each time I decided to sleep elsewhere, that fear became stronger as I walked towards the door. I stopped eating, I was fearful of all foods because what I found out from Connie was that Eugene died from a massive heart attack. I immediately associated that with the food he consumed which was the same food I consumed. While at Peggy’s I would nibble but I couldn’t eat anything in large portions. I started feeling fatigued and out of it. I couldn’t get a word out without it being followed with an emotional breakdown. Peggy tried to keep my spirits up by taking me out different places, getting Maurice’s kids for a few weeks and doing things with them. Outside of the home I was dreadfully depressed but being in the home I was dreadfully fearful. I couldn’t shake the moment I saw him on the bed. The tragedy of it all held on to me very tightly. I never in my life felt that I would have experienced anything like that. When my dad died I approved his suit and his casket along with Junior, Rick, and Jake. I was the only one that didn’t breakdown when we had to view the body. When Rick died I was right there through all of it. After they called me two days after admitting him to the hospital to tell me his heart finally gave out my brother Mitch and his wife came to Atlanta. We went to the hospital and Mitch’s wife wanted to see Rick. We were escorted to the morgue where they showed us his body. Mitch’s wife fell apart but I was fine. Pete asked me was I all right and I said I was fine. What I came to realize was that those deaths were expected and not a surprise. I knew that my father couldn’t survive without my mom. The moment they decided to put him in a nursing home I knew that he would give up because he couldn’t live without her. When Rick died we were already told that there wasn’t much more that could be done. I felt Rick’s spirit leave way before he was admitted to ICU. When I heard about my mom I wasn’t surprised because the day she found out about Rick I could tell she gave up her battle. Eugene’s death was not seen or expected at all. When I left him that morning he was full of life and humorous as always. The night before his passing he was acting silly and we were watching The Discovery Channel as we always did. It all came to a head when Jennings came to spend the weekend with me. I started feeling like I needed distractions so I started browsing the chat lines to see if I could meet someone that could get my mind off of what was going on in my life and to see if I could meet someone that would change the energy in my home in order for me to move back in permanently. I spent the entire weekend with Jennings shopping and having fun as we always did. That last night Jennings was there I had an older guy that I connected with come over. As soon as he walked into my life he started pushing fast to be a couple when we didn’t know one another. Though it didn’t work out and he was definitely not my type, he was the cause of me making the decision to stay in my home and not move in with my sister or my friend. That following morning while Jennings was preparing to leave, Tim came over and sat with us. We sat around talking and shooting the breeze. I had some boxes that I started packing but stopped in the middle of it because I was still uncertain if moving out was the answer. That morning time noticed the boxes and asked me, “Are those boxes for Eugene’s personal things?” I told him, “No…they are for me if I decide to move.” Tim looked at me with this serious glare and then followed that question with, “Is your lease up?” My answer was the same as the first response. Then that is when Tim started telling me how he felt about the situation and right after he finished it left me feeling like I missed the point this whole time until now. Tim: I don’t think you should move out and especially not move in with your sister or best friend. You and Eugene were together for almost 10 years and yes it was tragic the way that he died but if you are moving because you just can’t deal with the memories that is understandable, but if you are moving out because you are afraid of how you feel being here then that isn’t a good reason. Eugene loved you and if you sense his spirit here what makes you feel that he would hurt you. If you sense him here then you should feel safe because he chose to stay here to watch over you. He loves you and he is still here…that means a lot and I think you should really look at it as a blessing. When he finished Jennings and I said “Damn” at the same time. That message was both profound and so right on time. After all of the indecisiveness it took someone that barely knew me to tell me what I needed to hear. After Tim left Jennings and I started talking. Jennings told me that when I was upstairs changing Tim told him that he knew I could never love him because I was still in love with Eugene. That much was true but at the same time there was just so much about Tim I didn’t like. He lied a lot and he always complained about the same thing over and over again. At that point in my life I couldn’t take on early drama in a dating situation. That night Jennings said he wanted to ride with me to Angel’s house to get my stuff. I had some personal belongings there and at Peggy’s. When Eugene was alive we hung out with Angel and her family all of the time. When Peggy moved to Atlanta I tried to establish a friendship between the two of them since Peggy hadn’t met anyone she could call a friend. That blew up in my face because they both were overly possessive of me and they clashed because of that fact. When Jennings left I cut on every light in the house and started talking aloud just like Eugene told me to do when I missed Rick. I walked through the house telling him how much I love him, how I was sorry for the pain we inflicted upon one another and how blessed I was to share his last moments with me in a home that was shared between the two of us. It seemed after my feelings left my lips the fear disappeared. I didn’t get scared once I realized I was still there and it was night time. I felt this surge of inspiration and I started to rearrange the furniture, unpack the boxes, and then for the last step I walked into our bedroom and moved around the set up. It was such a significant decision because when I walked upstairs to the bedroom I was no longer reliving that night. I didn’t picture Eugene on the bed lifeless and cold. I could feel this warmth around me which could only be described as the bear hug he would always give me when he came home from being on the road. That next morning I started my normal routine of waking up, taking my shower, watching movies when there wasn’t anything on television, and just enjoying the day. The sadness still lurked in my heart but I knew that eventually I could work through it. I knew that my life had more meaning and the dark days were no longer in my path. I was certain that I would face some more hardships because that is expected in life, but I was driven by the darkness, I was ready to face it and fight it for all I had in me. I told my landlord that I wanted to renew my lease, she said fine and that she was so impressed at home strong I was. That following weekend they sent over a friend of theirs to paint the rooms. They let me choose the colors I wanted and once he was done the home seemed like a new home. The home felt like a new home and I no longer felt that I was burdened by pain and horrible memories of the past. There would be days when I walked through the house talking to Eugene as if he were right there with me. After I started talking to him aloud the strangest things started happening. I remember hearing the alarm in the house go off as if someone was walking in, at first it scared me, then it became frequent every time I mentioned his name. The funniest thing that happened was when Peggy and Hoyte came over to bring me breakfast. Hoyte went outside to talk to my neighbor while Peggy and I sat in the living room talking. I told Peggy about the strange things that were happening around the house. She told me that she thinks Eugene is still here. Once she said that my alarm clock went off by its self. Peggy’s eyes went big and she said, “You’re all right with me Eugene.” It was so funny to me but it felt so normal since it happened a lot. My alarm clock wasn’t set to go off because I was on leave from work. It just sounded on it’s on and went off on its own. Though physically we lose people, the spiritual realm is far greater than we could ever imagine. I always wanted to believe in the unknown and I’ve had several encounters with things that didn’t make sense or could be explained. This new part of my life made me feel stronger in the thought of moving on with my life and trying to see past the sadness of the loss and focus on the living, there here and now. After about 2 months of changes and wake up calls I decided it was time to leave. I decided to start back at my job and I felt that moving into another apartment would be the beginning of a life full of possibilities and more chapters to be written by me and my experiences. This past year was full of pain and dread, but little did I know that this embarked journey would lead me to the greatest love I could have ever imagined…for the first time that optimistic feeling proved correct.

How I Became Me Chapter 18

You would think that with everything I recently experienced the future would present a bushel of rewarding fruit but this isn’t the case. In 2008 I’d found a way to cope with the loss of my family by trying to get involved in other things. I got my book published, I started going to school, and I was working as a manager in the department I started out as just a regular employee. So I was very focused on working hard and trying to keep from letting those emotional restraints hold me down. My relationship was getting worse and not better. A little after Rick died Eugene was distant and not there for me like I thought he would have been. Dennis and I were around each other a little more but not better than before. Jake was a total no show in my life since the funeral of our mother. I wasn’t surprised by this but it did in fact hurt because they knew we all were suffering from the same pains. Eugene was drinking more, arguing with family more, fighting with me more, and trying to make his relationship with his sister Connie work. Every other day they would have harsh arguments using very strong profanity and then not speaking to each other for weeks. Then out of the blue Eugene would call me saying he was going to Connie’s after he got off of work. Since all of the tragedies in my life I was withdrawn and not much made me happy as I wish it did. My sister Peggy and her husband Hoyte moved in with Eugene and I after our mother died. Her plan was to move to Atlanta and live with Maurice and his wife but Maurice’s while Stacey didn’t like Peggy. When she heard they were moving to Atlanta she had Maurice quit his job and they moved back to Aiken. Eugene felt bad about what they did and he felt that having my sister around me would help out so he asked them to move in with us. I didn’t say otherwise because I felt that his gesture was genuine and he wanted us to work. Once they moved in Hoyte got a job as a truck driver and Peggy got a job in her field as a caretaker in an assisted living facility. Things started out really cool between the four of us but once Hoyte started hitting the road tension started growing. First it was tension between Peggy and Hoyte, then the arguments between Eugene and I escalated. Pretty soon it was Peggy trying to fix the relationship between Eugene and me; it changed once Hoyte came back. Peggy said that she wanted Hoyte to quit his job and move back home. She wanted him to have a job that kept him in Atlanta or didn’t have him traveling so much. Once Hoyte came back home the relationship between Peggy and Eugene fell apart. Tension grew and grew until it got to the point where Peggy and Hoyte avoided me and Eugene. Then one night being frustrated with the childish behavior of both Peggy and Hoyte I cursed Peggy out and told her how tired I was with how phony she could be and how she lied so much about how she was being treated and never taking accountability for her misbehaviors. About a week after I blew up on Peggy, Eugene said he wanted them to leave. He came to me when he got home from work and asked me how I felt about him asking them to move out? At this point I was fed up with the nonsense and was impressed that he wanted to take that approach. This was the first time he and I ever talked on such a deep level. I felt that he wanted things to change but understood that having them in our home would only make things worse for us. The home were in now was a townhouse and the space was less than the home we lived in when they first decided to move to Atlanta. I started getting migraines constantly. It seemed like every day I was popping Excedrin pills and lying down because I couldn’t maintain a peaceful sense of being when I was constantly surrounded by such negativity. So Eugene told them that he felt it was best that they moved out and about three days later I got home from school and found their room empty. It was such a peaceful feeling to come home to silence and not to hearing their bedroom door close when they knew I was coming in the house. It felt good to have my bedroom door open and to hear neighbors on the other side of the wall than to hear their door open and hear them walking downstairs once they realized that our bedroom door was closed. Peggy being the oldest in the situation was the biggest disappointment, but Peggy is how Peggy is and she will never. Hoyte just existed and did whatever he wanted to. Hoyte wouldn’t keep a job, he smoked constantly, he was an alcoholic, he rarely washed his ass, and there was a bit of homosexuality in his personality. There were several moments where Eugene felt that he couldn’t trust Hoyte to be home alone with me. I sensed the same thing but Hoyte was nowhere on my list of men I would find attractive. When Hoyte first started dating my sister he was very handsome and very loving to Peggy, but shortly after they married he started back on crack, drinking, sleeping around, and not washing his ass. Having the house back to just Eugene and I was all right for a little while. Suddenly old habits started returning to our relationship. During the time between losing Rick and my mother getting sicker I cheated on Eugene. It wasn’t my finest moment and it was something I never thought I could have done to someone. Throughout our entire relationship I knew that Eugene was messing around behind my back. I knew that he was still messing with women and had his little sissies on the side. Each time I wanted to walk out of the relationship some tragedy would happen to one of us and we would pull back into each other’s lives. Eventually the past came back to haunt the both of us. Eugene started hanging more and more with his family which meant that he was being more and more of an ass to me. He would come home sloppy drunk, slurring his words, and stumbling up and down the stairs cursing me for everything he could think of. So I started hanging out with Jennings and William more, they were my saving grace. They knew what I’d been through, they understood the relationship between Eugene and I, and they were always the excitement in my life. Things between Eugene and I came to a final climax when my sister Tammy came to visit. Knowing that Peggy and I were no longer speaking she went to Peggy’s house and told me to come over to visit her. Tammy was always doing this sort of thing, she didn’t care who was wrong she just wanted us all together. So I agreed to come over, Dennis said he wanted to come over as well so I went to pick him up. Eugene was angry because Peggy and Hoyte didn’t want him there. So to keep the peace and make Tammy’s visit a positive one I told Eugene to just let me go over and hang out with my family. Eugene texted and called me constantly while I was there. I knew that it was going to be drama when I got home but I didn’t want him acting immature to routine the time I was having with my family. After our visit Dennis asked if I felt like going out to a club. I said sure since Eugene said he was going over to his sister’s. I knew that he was going to be drunk and there was going to be an argument. Once we got to the club I saw William and we walked out on the back deck of the club to talk and just have a good time. While laughing with Dennis and William I kept getting this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. I always had this sixth sense when it came to trouble. I walked in the club not knowing what I was looking for until I looked over at the bar and saw Eugene’s brother Jimmy. Jimmy was hung over drunk as always but I knew that Jimmy didn’t have a license and he lived too far away to walk. I knew that Eugene had to be somewhere close by. I walked to the dance floor and after just one brief glance I spotted Eugene on the dance floor. At first I saw him dancing alone so I decided to leave and head back to the deck. As I began to turn around I saw Eugene reach over and grab this guy’s ass. My entire body exploded with heat and I could feel the anger building up. I walked over and grabbed his hand. He looked at me and was in total shock. I could tell he was drunk because his eyes were blood shot and he was slurring his words. I told him to take his drunk ass home and we would deal with this crap later. He walked off the dance floor and I went to the deck to tell Dennis and William what I just witnessed. While outside being calmed down by William because apparently my drama was interesting enough for Dennis, he decided to call his on again and off again boyfriend Mark to have a screaming match. While I was talking to William, Eugene busted out of the club with his drunken ass brother Jimmy with him. He tried to give me a bullshit excuse as to why he was at the club which made no sense to me because being at the club wasn’t the problem, it was seeing him grabbing some child’s ass that made me angry. I told him to get away from me and to go home. He started trying to curse me out and before I knew it was started slapping him with all of my might. He walked back in the club and William grabbed me arm and told me to calm down. I couldn’t stop myself, it was like everything I’d held in was coming out and it wasn’t coming out in the best of ways. I tried to calm my nerves for a minute and then I realized that Eugene was drunk. The thought that our last words to one another would be harsh and not to mention the attack I’d just put on him; if anything were to happen to him I would never forgive myself. So I decided to run and get him to take his keys. I walked in the club and Jimmy was back at the bar, I turned around and saw Eugene whispering in another guy’s ear. I lost my cool for the last time and before I knew it I was grabbing him, punching him and pushing him out of the club. I walked out with him and started hitting him again, I yelled to him, “Get your shit out of my house and go live with your sister!” Eugene never fought back; he just kept walking with Jimmy. It was so said that I acted that way, but what was equally said was these two grown men barely able to walk because they were both so drunk. After leaving the club I dropped Dennis off and called William to let him know I made it home. When I got in bed I replayed that entire night and was not pleased with how it went. Eugene was not home so I prayed that he made it to his sister’s house safe. That next morning I was awaken to Eugene taking his stuff out of house. His brother was outside in the front loading Connie’s drunk with Eugene’s things. We argued a little back and forth, and then out of the blue Jennings called to ask if I was all right. It was perfect timing because I felt like I was going to attack both Eugene and Jimmy. While Eugene was packing Peggy and Tammy pulled up and kept us from getting close to one another. Eugene got his belongings and drove off with Jimmy. Peggy and Tammy sat with me until Jennings showed up. Jennings sat with me for a while and then had to leave for work. Sitting in the house on my own I started thinking about everything that happened. My temper was uncontrollable, my attitude was terrible, and my anger was becoming more of me than my sanity. I couldn’t stop anything I felt from staying inside of me. Then I realized that the reason I was so angry was because I tried so hard to bury the pain I was feeling. Though Eugene was wrong in several ways I still didn’t need to take the measures I took towards him. I always tried my best to be the best person I could be, but the world I was thrown into recently obviously was more than my ability to think rationally. Eugene and I separated for a few weeks. After text messages, arguments on the phone, then finally having a mature conversation, Eugene moved back in. We had moments of sitting down talking to each other, the arguments stopped; we started acting better towards one another. I could feel the healing happening between us, but the pain of missing my mom, dad, and my brother was still there. One day Eugene came downstairs and told me that he was sorry for everything that he’d ever done to me. He admitted that he had a drinking problem; he admitted that his relationship with his family wasn’t healthy and he wanted to stop being around them if they were only going to disrespect me and constantly telling him that his being gay was so wrong. He admitted that he was trying to make his family love him despite their feelings towards his life and his lover. He said that he was going to stay away from them and start working on us. We found a therapist that specialized in gay couples. Eugene emailed him, called him, and even sent letters to him. We never heard back from the therapist but just the fact that he was doing what he promised was enough to make me smile. Things started to really change between us. We couldn’t really explain why we stayed together after so many years of constant drama and tragedy, but we could explain why we are going to work at staying together now. We owed it not just to each other but to ourselves to rid the pain of family. We both were in similar parts of our lives. Eugene was the baby of his family but the world was on his shoulder. His career as a pro football player was what his family banked on. He’d become a local celebrity in Atlanta and his siblings lived off of that stardom. When that dream was stripped away from him they turned their backs on him. My family relied on me for so much and I never really lived for myself. I was always running back and forth between Aiken and Atlanta for my family. I neglected my relationship with Eugene and that played a huge part in why he became so insecure. This realization made us both sit down and take a breather. We’d been doing the same things but not realizing how wrong we both were. We promised to work together better and to keep those negativities our of our lives and out of our homes, shortly after moving back in Eugene was laid off from his job due to him being late on his out of town assignments. This wasn’t an issue until after Eugene confessed to his manager that he had gout. For the longest Eugene would push through the pain to make it to work and to make it to the locations he had to go to when he was out of town. I constantly worried about him because I knew that the pain was excruciating and there was no immediately relief for him. I continued working and going to school. My book was drawing a little buzz here and there but not enough to get too excited about. July 21, 2008 Eugene came home from running errands, he had a few interviews, and he got his license renewed. He was so excited to show me his picture because the last one made him look like he was taking a mug shot. Eugene was working out more, eating healthier, and trying to cut back on the junk food. I was so shocked to see how he stopped drinking and didn’t have any issues with withdrawal. He was more energetic and seemed to be more at peace. I looked at his license and he looked like a totally different person. He looked younger, he looked happier, and he looked like that man I knew he was. It was his birthday and we decided to buy some movies that he picked out, got some wings, and sat up all night watching movies, laughing, joking and just being how we were in the beginning of our relationship. July 22, 2008 That day was just a regular day. I went on line to help Eugene apply for jobs, I was dealing with a little drama here and there at work but all in all things were great. Eugene and I were happier than we’d ever been and we were planning to take a trip to Tybee Island in October to celebrate not only our anniversary, but to bring some flowers to the ocean for Rick. A few months after Rick died I planned to drive to Tybee Island to spread his ashes where he and I loved to go. Junior, Dennis, Eugene, and I took the trip and it was great. It was very emotional but it was so wonderful how we all stuck together and were there for that special moment. July 23, 2008 I got up that morning feeling a little off; the night before I had a crazy dream that had to do with people at my job. Some guy by the name of Black was in my dream, there was a fight, there was a gunshot, and then the dream took me to Aiken with me riding a bike towards our family home on Horry Street. As I was peddling an angel flew in front of me and told me, “He’s not finished with you yet.” As I was getting dressed I told Eugene about my dream. He always told me that he felt I was like a psychic or a medium because I would have dreams that at times would come out to be true or I would know something before it happened. I’ve always had a fascination for that possibility of people being able to do those amazing things. If I truly had that gift I would love it and at the same time I would fear it. Before I left for work I kissed Eugene and handed him a flyer for an opera that was being held that following weekend. I got tickets through my job and thought it would be good for us to experience different cultural events. Of course Eugene teased me and said I always wanted him to do these “White” things. We laughed, I kissed him again, told him I loved him and he wished me a good day at work. When I got to work I told my friends about my dream. One of my friends asked me to repeat the name I mentioned in the dream. I told Larry that he was in the dream and there was this guy named Black that was trying to attack us, but Larry seemed to know him. In the dream Larry and I were running and then we stopped. Larry turned around and said, “Black, man why are you doing this…you know me.” I remember telling Larry to run as I turned to get away and as I ran I heard a gunshot. Larry stood looking at me and all of the color in his face went away. He turned around and picked up his cell phone and made a call. I continued talking to the rest of our friends and then Larry walked up and said, “I just talked to my best friend’s wife Susan…she told me that Black was shot last week and he died from the gunshot.” Everyone was silent and then everyone looked at me. It was like they were terrified of me and at the same time they were amazed that I had a dream of someone I didn’t know, but apparently Larry knew, the dream had an incident with a gun and that is what killed Larry’s friend. We all showed Larry our condolences and I rushed back to my office and called Eugene to tell him what just happened. There was no answer so I went to my other friend who was also a manager. I told Jane about my dream and while I was telling her the human resources manager Delia walked in. I repeated the dream and once I finished telling it, something in Jane’s candy jar popped. It terrified all three of us and Delia said, “Child you better stay away from me. You got a ghost or something around you.” We eventually laughed it off and went on with our day. I constantly tried to call Eugene but could never reach him. After hours of him not calling back I assumed that maybe he decided to go and see his family, or he was at the unemployment office. The unemployment office had no reception so there would be no way he could call me or know that I was calling him. So I stopped trying to call him and went on with my day. When it got to 5:00PM it was time for me to end my work day and head to school. As I was leaving I tried calling Eugene again but didn’t reach him. I tried several times while driving to school, on my breaks from school, and when I was leaving school but still no response from Eugene. I started getting worried, and then to prevent myself from going crazy I just started getting upset thinking that maybe his sister Connie got him in her clutches again and he didn’t want to answer the phone since he was with her. On the way home I tried calling again but still no answer. As I pulled into the subdivision I was expecting his car to be gone. When I got to parking lot I saw his car. I looked at the house and there were no lights on. My heart began racing because this wasn’t like Eugene to be home with no lights on. I started thinking that maybe his gout got so bad that he couldn’t move and he’s been lying down in pain all day. Then I started thinking that maybe his medication had him so out of it that he couldn’t answer the phone. When I got to the porch this cold chill came over my body. I was almost afraid to walk into the house. When I opened the door I saw the television light from upstairs in our bedroom. I closed the door and dropped my keys in the bowl by the door. As I walked up I could see his hand across the pillow. I came in and started to take off my watch when I noticed that there wasn’t any movement. I started to walk closer and I realized that he wasn’t breathing. I frantically ran and flipped the lights on to see him lying there with his eyes open. At that moment my heart felt like it had been taken out of my chest. There was this red line across his eyes and he looked so motionless. Before I knew it I started screaming to the top of my lungs. “Eugene! NO! PLEASE GOD NO! NOT Eugene! NOT MY BABY! Eugene! BABY… PLEASE!” I’d never felt such a rush of pain before. I couldn’t contain myself. I reached to touch him and his body was so cold and so stiff. I felt so alone and so lost. I didn’t know what to do. My hands were trembling and I could barely reach for my phone/ I struggled to dial 911. “911 what’s your emergency?” The operator said. “HE’S DEAD! MY LOVER IS DEAD! OH MY GOD! EUGENE… NO!!!” “I can’t understand what you’re saying honey. Who is dead?” The operator said trying to calm me down. At that point I tried to take a breath to explain. “My lover is dead. I came home from school and found him in bed. He’s not moving, he’s not breathing and his eyes are open. Oh my GOD I think he had a heart attack.” I said breaking down again. “Can you give him mouth to mouth?” The operator asked. I approached Eugene’s lifeless body knowing that there was no hope, but for a split second I felt that I could save him and this would be over with. I touched his top lip and fluid started to drain from his mouth. “NO! THERE’S A LOT OF FLUID COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH….HE IS SO COLD…OH MY GOD HE IS SO COLD…HELP ME PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!” “Someone is on their way right now honey, please stay on the phone and try to calm down. Get out of the room and wait for the ambulance.” The operator instructed. I went downstairs and in less than 5 minutes an officer was there. I let him in and he started asking several questions. I couldn’t comprehend most of them. The most fucked up thing about it all was I couldn’t identify his body. The officer told me that our relationship wasn’t recognized so he had to wait for Eugene’s family to come before they took his body from the house. It was such a cold and unfeeling thing to tell someone that loved this man that lie upstairs lifeless and cold. It didn’t matter that we shared almost 10 years together, that we took care of one another when we were sick, it didn’t matter that we shared so many memories and had love for one another. I was so crushed and angry, but I didn’t want to lose sight of that fact that I was going to live life without Eugene. I went outside to get my mind calm so that I could be strong enough to handle having his family in my house. It was so ironic, they could never come to visit when they were invited, but now that he’s dead they have to come over. The last thing I remembered doing was calling Connie. “Hello.” Connie said sounding tired. “Connie…Eugene is dead…he’s dead….” I said finding it impossible to say it any other way. There was a loud scream on her end of the phone and I broke down again. The time was 10:45PM, the date was July 23rd 2008, and it was 2 days after Eugene’s 41st birthday. This is a night I will remember for the rest of my life. “He was a man with a heart that longed to be loved and accepted. He walked a path owning the responsibility to carry a legacy that fueled happiness to his family. In the end of his life it would be that same heart that took him from the physical world. Pain is what he knew but pain never stopped him from trying to live life and enjoy the best that life had to offer. We aren’t given many options but if we are strong we can at times create our own. In his presence no one was a stranger and in his heart everyone was loved. He is gone now but not forgotten, just another angel called to do God’s work.” -Dedicated to Edward Lighting

How I Became Me Chapter 17

In the limousine ride to Shaw’s Creek Baptist Church in Edgefield South Carolina the silence was powerful. The emotions everyone had felt like thumps in your ear drums from loud bass flowing out of a super speaker. Everyone was full of emotion and mixed feelings about any and everything you could possibly imagine. It felt like our lives were all about departed family members. The rest of our family and our friends were lost to the appropriate response or the appropriate show of support for a family that has buried a father, a brother, and now a mother. I could see in their eyes they were trying to contemplate their state of being if they were hit with such tragedy. It was a feeling that I couldn’t have imagined if it wasn’t happening to us. Once we reached the church which was the church most of us were baptized in, the church I first began singing, the church we had most of our childhood memories. Our sister Brenda was buried there and now we are burying our mother right next to our father. It was a church none of us every wanted to go back to because of the way people were and how horrible they treated our family. Now it would appear that we are bound there for eternity as it is our families resting place. The process to get the funeral together, to get the needed paperwork for the burial, making sure that the plot was prepared took more drama from the church members than the funeral home. It still amazes me how evil people can be in the face of tragedy. Somehow we managed to stay focused long enough to do the wishes of our mother. Everyone started pulling into the grave site, cars behind cars, limos behind limos. Family poured out by what seemed to be hundreds. The friends that shared our mother were equally devastated by her passing. In those darkest moments you can still have happy experiences. I watched so many people crying because of how deeply my mother touched their lives. I felt proud to call myself her child knowing how well missed she would truly be. In those instances you can find great power in the love for someone. You can see that they left a legacy; that they meant something to the world, and life just wouldn’t merely keep going now that she was gone. All of the siblings held each other’s hands as we walked to our seats in front of the casket which seemed to float over the opening in the ground. The entire experience is so daunting that you can’t fathom accepting that they will lower someone you were attached to, the person that gave you life, the person that nourished you, the person that sung you to sleep, the person that knew you better than you knew yourself, the person that could scare away bad dreams, the only person that looked at you and saw you for who you were and was happy that you were born. To see this woman that would be the first and last woman you would ever love being put into a hole just brings you to a point of such agony and unbearable pain. I knew what grieving meant at that moment. We all felt it and for the first time in a very long time we were all connected. It was as if we could read each other’s minds. When one of us took a step we all looked in the direction they were stepping before they actually placed their foot down. When someone was about to cry one of us would have tissue to hand over to them before the tear formed. It was understood that we were blood and that we all came from the vessel of such an amazing person and we were all fighting back the horrible task of saying good-bye. Our family is well known for being social, hardworking, talented, loving, determined, hot tempered, and a level of humor that is only surpassed by the next sibling. When Peggy was being escorted to the burial site we were all prepared for what would be a phenomenal performance and in Peggy style she did not disappoint. Her son Maurice and her husband Hoyte had each hand, as soon as Peggy could see the casket she did exactly what we knew she would…she fainted. The thing about drama is it is only as powerful as the response and reaction you get from your performance. We all knew what to expect so just like our family was known to do at these times, we just proceeded to the seats laid out for us. Hoyte was already emotional so we understood that he wouldn’t ignore his wife fainted even though he was well aware that it wasn’t real. One of our best friends and pretty much a sister to us was in school to be a nurse. Laura walked over and checked Peggy’s vitals and announced that she was fine and just needed some time to rest. Though the moment was dreadfully painful we managed to muster up “The Upson Look” at one another. It is a facial expression that only the family and the people closest to us would understand. You press your lip to one side, dip your to the opposite side, roll your eyes, and smirk. It is a tool that is inherited and no one knows who started it, we just always knew when to use it and when to recognize it. Under the circumstances the funeral was beautiful and we did our mother proud. Of course there was drama before and after but to dwell on the nonsense would over shadow the greatest loss of all time. Even today the loss of my mom is unthinkable. Rationally I understand that she was sick and when she heard about yet another child passing she lost her strength to fight. Though our father would not have won any rewards for husband or father of the year, he was still our mother’s husband and our father. When he passed she was alone, no matter if she was surrounded by family and friends, her companion was no longer with her. They argued, they fought, but they loved one another. My father always wanted my mom all to his self which sounds silly when they had 11 children. When I became an adult I understood that feeling. As children our mother would always say, “When I’m gone…” but we would never want to hear her speak that aloud. The thought of her leaving us was too great a shock and a dread. I guess most kids that are blessed to have such an amazing woman as a mother would fear losing her though we understand the cycle of life; we still get angry at God for making her suffer and then taking her away from us. Right before she got too sick to do what she normally did, our mother worked until she couldn’t work anymore. She was a strong woman that survived unspeakable abuse from her husband and from other people she tried to protect. She was mistreated and disrespected but she still had love and still represented her belief in God. My mother taught me the value of speaking your mind and not holding back your feelings. She was the first person to bring to my attention that my face tells my story. I would tell her I was fine but being the mom she was, she knew better. She never let me go a day without telling me how proud she was of me. She babied me until she realized that I was mature enough to take care of myself. My baby brother Arnold and I made a vow that we would always take care of her. My dream of stardom was solely because of her. I wanted to become rich so that I could allow her a life of pampering, luxuries that she deserved. My mother was a fighter, a lover, a tough woman that knew struggle and was never afraid to face it head on. We grew up pretty close to poor but you would never know it to look at us. She taught us to never show how much money you had or how much money you wish you had. She is truly the inspiration behind me being who I am and I am becoming. As I get older I see more and more of her in me. I can still remember the phone calls we had when I moved to Atlanta. I could talk to her about anything and she called me all the time to tell me when things were crazy back at home. When I was living with Henry she wrote me a letter and told me how much she loved me and how proud she was that I moved away and didn’t allow all of the negativity that happened to me when I came back home change who I wanted to be. I can remember times when I was sick and calling her always made me feel better. The soothe of her motherly voice telling me I will be all right seemed to cure the flu and the common cold. Every holiday was a day to spend with her. She didn’t care about what the world was doing because when she had all of her kids under one roof she was the richest woman in the world. All she ever said was that she wanted her kids to be happy. It would always make her smile to just see her babies walking the earth as adults, living our own independent lives, coming home to see her and tell her what we were doing out there in the world. She had such shine in her eyes when she spoke of her children. Every visit home you were not a stranger to people you didn’t even know. Everywhere I went with her people knew me and knew everything I was doing in Atlanta. I felt guilt that I didn’t achieve the success in my life to do for her what I’d always dreamed to do. After a short while that guilt changed into determination to still pursue my dreams because I knew that she was watching me and guiding me through. There are those times when I miss talking to her and all of a sudden this calm falls over me and I can feel her presence. I know she sees me and isn’t worried because I have learned her and I walk her every day. I speak my mind, I don’t allow people to walk over me, I still love despite let downs, setbacks, backstabbing, and lies. “I walk this earth a man, a man with virtue and joy. The path ahead of me is truly a dark one but the force that guides me is my light. I can face the power of pain and smile as I slay the obstacles forming around me. I walk this earth a man, a man that knows what it means to love, to hate, to sacrifice, the laugh when I am happy and to cry when I am sad. I hold strong the legacy that is Mother and Father. I am my mother’s child for I am part of the vessel that brought me life. I walk this earth a man, not a man of blind ambition but of sight towards a goal that is obtainable because I claim it to be. No mountain can block my view for my vision comes from what I feel and not what I see. No water is too deep to cross because I am not burdened by nonsense and matters that don’t deserve attention. I float across the ocean with the knowing that I have a destination and my hope allows me the ability to hover. I walk this earth a man, not just a man but a strong man because I was brought to this earth by a woman, not just a woman but by my strong mother.” -Rest in peace my mother, my friend, my angel, and my teacher. You are missed and never forgotten.

The Winning Essay

“Why I Love Working In Customer Service” By Gregory Upson “Don’t take it personal!” That is one of the first things I learned getting into the customer service field. Customers call in and are very angry, upset, disappointed, confused, frustrated, and overall demanding. That would be a simple statement if that was all that came with working with customers. I look at it differently than others I suppose. When I talk with a customer that has a history of disappointment and stress on expecting a product they purchased to merely work properly, I can’t not take their feelings personally. The best part of my job is being able to sympathize with the customer and put myself in their place. Knowing what options is out there to satisfy our customers, it empowers me to go far beyond what is expected of my duties. It is an exhilarating feeling knowing that you can turn someone’s day around by just merely listening to what they are saying and not feeding into how it’s said. People communicate in several different ways; the talent of being in customer service is to know how to differentiate the pattern of speech from the customer talking to you. To some it’s a gift and to others it can be a learning experience. I love working in a field where I can hear a customer’s sigh of relief because they got someone on the other end of that call that understood how they felt and what they intended on accomplishing when they made the initial call. I love knowing that the customer understands I am here to help and not hinder them from being satisfied. There is a sense of accomplishment when the call is over and before the customer hangs up the phone, they thank me and thank me again because they felt I have taken the initiative to assist them. When the call turns from customer and agent, to two people working towards a common goal, I have done my job and then some. When I can hear the smile through the phone after walking through the story and the issues, not to mention the different levels of emotion, I count myself lucky to have experienced that. It is in its self, its own reward. So…I take it personally every day. I love the job because it doesn’t feel like work…it feels like helping people. So in some small way I don’t feel like an agent working for Electrolux Major Appliances, I feel like a super hero trying to save people from the added stresses of the world. In looking at my position that way I can truly say that I love working in customer service because service to my customers is what I do best.

How I Became Me Chapter 16

The drive back home from Aiken was a blur to me. I just remember getting behind the wheel and driving without having any idea of what was happening around me. Eugene had to leave right after the service because of his job so Junior and Dennis rode back with me. I was evidently speeding, driving 101MPH when a highway patrol officer pulled me over. When he told me how fast I was driving I realized that I was not all together there. I explained to him what had just happened in our family and that I was not aware that I was driving so recklessly. The officer was very nice and said he understood; he wrote the ticket and dropped the speed limit I was driving down to 80 in a 70. I felt that I was still being watched over because I could have easily run off of the road or caused some sort of accident without knowing. After dropping Dennis off at his apartment I drove to the airport where I saw Junior off. Getting home felt so excruciating. My regular routine after coming back from visiting Aiken would be to chill with Rick while we talked about Aiken and whatever else we thought about. He was my every day and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to cope without him. I thought back to the night after the service where the entire family met at Tammy’s house. Everyone stood around talking about Rick and about things they did when they were young. I felt so detached from everyone. I was surrounded by family but felt like I was the only one in the space we occupied that didn’t belong. Dennis and Jake told everyone that they would look after me to make sure I didn’t feel alone. For the longest time it was just Rick and I. Dennis wouldn’t call or hangout with Rick, Jake would talk to Rick off and on but would never stay consistently in contact. The issue my family had was they never let go of the past. The past issues were always new because no one would move on. Rick was fed up with explaining to Jake why he moved to New York when they were young. It was far more depressing to hold on to things that couldn’t change, but after doing it so long they didn’t see a way around it. Rick and I had a different outlook and a different approach. We accepted what was and left our hearts open for what was to be. My conversations with Rick were always powerful and thought provoking. I always hungered for that stimulating conversation. We had the same sense of humor and at times I would be shocked at how we spoke what the other was thinking. I’d never experienced being in tuned to any until I was old enough to be around Rick. Rick always told me the story about a visit to Aiken when I was 8 years old. He said he saw that maturity in my eyes even when I was a baby. On that visit he said we sat under a tree and had a conversation. Rick said he was amazed at how deep I was as a child. It hurt his heart deeply to leave knowing that I was suffering so badly with all I had to deal with. He felt guilty that he never took me away from Aiken. Moving to Atlanta was the smartest decision I ever made. It brought me out of a dark place I felt trapped in and it also freed Rick from that guilt. He had the chance to see that I was all right. He saw that his leaving inspired me to want to break away from Aiken when it was my time. I told him constantly that I never hated him for leaving; I just missed him growing up. I went through so many emotional obstacles with no one to talk to about them. When I was old enough to share my feelings with Rick we were surprised at how parallel our lives were. The crazy things I did to cope with feeling unhappy all of the time. The ways I would withdraw and get lost in my own head when things were at their darkest. Even how we lost our virginity was similar. Rick was by far the greatest person I ever had the privilege to know and love. We would have our fall outs but we would be right back on track that next day or often the same day. We never ended our conversation without saying I love you and we never stopped worrying about one another. Our biggest dream was in the near future we would move to New York together and just have the life we always wanted. After Rick died I had a dream that I moved to New York in this amazing apartment. In the dream I was unpacking and decided to stop and get something to eat. I remember seeing an apartment in front of mine when I opened my apartment door. As I turned to lock up I heard the door to the other apartment open and when I turned it was Rick. We both were shocked that we saw one another. In the dream we didn’t know either of us moved to New York and moved into the same apartment building. When I woke from the dream I cried but it wasn’t tears of pain, it was tears of happiness. In reality I could see that being our story if Rick was still here. We were too much alike for it to happen any other way. Lying on the couch I just spaced out from time to time. Eugene called several times that day making sure I was all right. Junior called once he made it to New York and the rest of the family said that mom was very quiet and not really engaging in much conversation. For the service we blew up one of Rick’s pictures and placed it next to the urn that held his ashes. I was told that Tammy sat the picture in the room with her because she wanted to look at her child. My heart just broke more and more knowing that if my life was lost after Rick’s death, I couldn’t even place my emotions in the ball park of where my mother’s life was. All I could think about was me telling her he died and the look on her face. It angered me still because I felt that we could have made her remaining days with us more pleasant than to tell her something so devastating. There was a huge part of me that felt guilty for breaking her spirit. As long as she knew her kids were fine she would have strength because her children brought her that. Just having most of us not speaking to one another would hurt her, to know she lost yet another child could only have been the last straw. Before leaving I sat with her and just rubbed her hands. She was so quiet and I felt her energy becoming less and less. I gave her a big kiss and told her I loved her. It seemed that I became use to that empty feeling. Tragedy was something that was now a part of my emotional makeup. I couldn’t see happiness beyond this existence. All I saw was more darkness, darker than the life I lived growing up in Aiken. That fear of death looming over ever moment I felt I wanted to laugh or try to have fun. Having to tell your dying mother that her son died before her is something that hardens your heart and dampens your spirit. After a week of mindless wandering I decided to go back to work. The night before Junior and I were on the phone talking about everything that happened and how things were going to be so different. At the end of the conversation Junior told me to cut off my phone and get some sleep. Junior was angry that the rest of our siblings chickened out on telling our mother about Rick. He was so angry that they were against me not telling her but when the decision was final that we should no one was brave enough to go through with it. Junior knew how much I carried and how I was always the one being called on for everything. He also knew that Dennis and Jake wouldn’t be there for me like they said they would be. It’s crazy but I knew after hearing them say that they were going to come around more and we were going to do more as a family, it wasn’t true because up until Rick passed I hadn’t really talked to Jake or Dennis that often. Now that Rick is gone I knew I only had my best friends Jennings and William. Jennings was always by my side through anything I was going through. William joined the circle about 5 years later. He fit in as if he’d been there the entire time. So though my brothers wouldn’t step up to be there I knew I had brotherhood elsewhere in my life. I took Junior’s advice and cut my phone off. For the first time in a while I went to sleep and actually slept through the night. That next morning driving to work I realized that I didn’t get a morning call from you Eugene. I immediately got worried because he was complaining that his gout was flaring up on him the night before. I then realized that I turned my phone off the night before and forgot to turn it back on. Once the phone came on I reached 4 voicemail messages. There were three from Eugene and one from Jake. I called Eugene to let him know that I was fine and that I cut my phone off the night before to get some sleep. Eugene said he would be home by the time I got off of work. Then I checked the message from Jake. It was short and just said for me to call. I checked the time of the call and it was around 5 that morning. So I called Jake to see what was going on. Jake: “Hey baby boy, I wanted to try to get to you but the car is acting up. I didn’t want to talk on the phone. I could hear a tremble in his voice so I imagined it was about missing Rick and I was glad that he decided to call me when he was feeling those emotions. I could really have a cry out with someone about missing him. Me: “Oh I know, I went to sleep last night and I just cut my phone off so I could sleep through the night. How are you feeling? There was silence for a moment as I could hear Jake struggling to compose his tone in order to talk. As I was about to tell him I understood what he was going through Jake begun to tell me what he was calling me for. Jake: “Are you driving right now?” Me: “I was but I can pull over.” I pulled over in front of what looked like vacant office buildings to my right and a construction site to my left. I figured that Jake was ready to unload his emotions and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t distracted while he was talking. Jake: “Tammy called me last night and told me that mom passed away. She was very weak earlier that day and wouldn’t eat or sleep. Tammy said that she called the nurse and the nurse stayed with her until she passed.” I was quiet and I couldn’t respond. My entire body became numb. It was like I drunk a quart of nova cane and it killed all of the nerves in my body. I was in like a trance, like I was hypnotized and my body was no longer in my control. Jake: “Are you there?” “Are you holding up?” Me: “I’m all right…I’m heading to the job now but I got to tell them I need to leave again.” Jake: “I’m so sorry I can’t be there with you…don’t drive if you are feeling upset.” Through his crying he was still concerned with my wellbeing. I could feel his genuine worry for me. Between the two of us Jake may have been older but he couldn’t handle tragedy well. Jake became responsible for all of his younger and older siblings when he was just a child. That type of responsibility changes you and then when you become older to see your sibling out on their own it’s hard to be supportive as a brother when you feel more like their parent instead. I knew he was more concerned about me than he was about his self. When I stated that my brothers wouldn’t step up to support me and allow us to support one another since Rick passed was because of how different we all handled grief. Jake will avoid it, he will stay busy, he’ll increase his workout routine, and smoke enough weed to drift off into another world. Dennis will withdraw completely from what happened and start dwelling on things to distract his mind on what was going on. We are all so different when it comes to handling our emotions. I thanked God continuously that I had the chance to share so many years with Rick and to have someone that would allow me to express my feelings and express their feelings to me. That was a bond that could not be replaced and now that he’s gone this need for that support was greater than they’d ever been before. It felt like he’d placed his arms around me as I drove to work. I walked through the building and saw all of the concerned faces. I saw their urge to want to run and hug me, but I knew I was generating the energy for people to keep their distance. I just had in my mind that I needed to get in and tell my boss about my mom and then leave. I couldn’t stay any longer past that. My friend Angel at the time knew where I was emotionally so she guarded from being trampled by my other friends. I knew that it was coming from a place of genuine concern but I just didn’t want to lose it right there in the office. I managed to tell my manager the circumstances and he immediately told me to go home but to take a breather before I jumped back in my car. Angel walked me out and wouldn’t let me leave until I looked calm in her eyes. She sat outside with me until I was able to comprehend everything that was happening. I hugged her and thanked her for being there for me. I jumped in the car and called Eugene to tell him what happened. I could hear the pain in his voice because he really loved my mother. He wanted to make sure I was fine and like I’d told everyone that entire day, “I’m all right.” Though those words left my lips, I knew that the truth was I would never be all right again.