How I Became Me Chapter 42

Life in Review Looking back at my younger years, my growing up, my figuring out my identity, the ups, the downs, the love, the loss, the happy moments, the times I cried, the times I was strong, and the times I fell apart. No matter what I’ve faced there was always this light in my heart that made me believe that there was more to what I could merely see and expect. I took accountability of my actions, my decisions, my attempts to do right and the moments I decided, “The hell with it!” No matter what, I remained filled with hope even when I didn’t want people to see that part of me. Growing up in Aiken South Carolina has taught me a lot and it has groomed me for a future filled with gifts for my never wavering belief that there is a higher power watching over me and loving despite of my flaws, my faults, my doubts, and my fears. I have made several decisions over time that I reneged on and then there were decisions I quickly changed my mind on because there was something that felt wrong about the steps I almost took. Growing up I always thought that family would be the strongest bond the world could ever offer. I felt that growing up with so many siblings was a gift from GOD to assure that none of us ever felt alone, ever felt that we wouldn’t be respected, that we couldn’t be loved because we were different from other people, and supported throughout our development and levels of growth. As far back as I can remember I have lived to an expectation that I placed for myself because of the thought that I needed to shine brighter to be seen and loved for me and not just for what I could do for people. I feared life outside of my home and people outside of my family. For several years my friendships suffered because I felt they would separate me from my family and as a child I said several times, “Family comes first and everyone other than family is secondary.” Now that I am 36 years old and life has really sat me in the front seat of a huge 18 wheeler truck that was headed down a mountain hitting every rock, opening, crater, and mud slide possible. I wake up every morning and for an instance I see my past but now I no longer allow it to linger. I felt trapped by my life before and there was this bizarre horror of disappointing any and everyone in my life. I was at a point where I was stretched so thin that I couldn’t be whole to anyone and I had nothing left in me to offer. Love, relationship, commitment, future life, rings, vows, children, dream home, dream car, vacations…all of these things seemed to be a dream of a child still sitting on the couch starring out of the window picturing a world that never really existed. I was born into a role I was not aware of and mentally not ready for. My mother told me time and time again that I was, “The heart of the family” and before I was old enough to understand that role, I felt privileged that my mother saw something so special in me and it seemed that she picked me to be someone strong, dependable, sincere, trusting, the glue to hold everyone together, and the heart that never turned his back to his loved ones in need. The day I got the call about my mother’s passing, that role disappeared. You see…my mother saw that I was stronger than I was allowing people to see. She knew that her strength, her belief in family, her undying forgiving heart was passed on to me from her. Because there were so many siblings in need she never got the opportunity to show me what it took to walk the life of that role. I did the best that I could with what I was given. I turned the other cheek to several episodes in my life that other people would have flipped out on or turned their back on. There is a thin line between hate and independence. When you reach a point of your life when you decide that you must live without the role attached to you, there is a moment where that path becomes dark and you won’t let a soul enter your new found freedom. It is so easy to become bitter, resentful, angry, and selfish. You may feel that everyone around you deserves the most of your anger because they took the most of your light. You find yourself drifting deeper and deeper into this notion and no turning back is the only decision that surfaces your mind. The day I realized that I’d found the darkest of places was when I felt the need to turn away from everyone and everything that I couldn’t trust and I couldn’t rely on. I closed my heart, my eyes, my ears, and most of all, I closed my soul. I was no longer walking in a path of love, support, dedication, trust, and family. I felt that my family destroyed any chance for redemption and in some way I wanted them to hurt just as badly as I hurt. When that place was discovered I knew that I’d not only taken a wrong turn, I fell so deep and didn’t know how far I’d fallen. In that place of endless angry and pain I forgot the joys of life. I forgot about the things that made me happy because I stopped doing them. I had no friends in my life because I’d cut ties from outside people. I had no lover to love me because death had taken away someone I was learning to love all over again. It seemed that I was destined to walk alone in misery, and the only emotion that would expose its self from my heart was angry. I felt betrayed, disrespected, and overlooked. The very happiness I lived for was taken from me and I was left with the very people I felt could never love me as much as I loved them and no matter how hard I tried to ignore the wrongs done to me, the lies said about me, and the many people that took precedence over my existence, somewhere in my darkness I fell into the lies, the neglect, the disrespect, and the backstabbing. It took me a long time to climb out of what I fell into. It really wasn’t any one thing or anybody that showed me the light. I feel that I made a conscience decision in the midst of my darkness that I wanted to be saved and taken out of this pain that wrapped around my heart like a full grown python, and every time I tried to react differently than what the darkness provoked I could feel the python restrict my heart flow and I could feel the pressure swelling in my brain. Walking angry and spiteful was the only reaction that made any since to me. Though I was born from a woman of GOD, a woman of strong faith, and a woman of pure love…I forgot the message. I let her down and I gave up so easily. Yes the tragedies in my life were very difficult and most people couldn’t survive what I did. Yes I could have made different decisions, I could have allowed certain things to roll off of my back, and I could have turned the other cheek and smiled through the pain. The statement, “Be the bigger person” was something I lived by for the better part of my years. Somehow the rules of life and the direction paved out for me was long forgotten and what remained was this hurt child still wanting his family to love him, appreciate him, support him, respect him, see him for who he is and not what they thought he should have been. In that very place I came face to face with that child and for an instance I wanted to slap his face for being so blind and being so weak. I wanted to curse him for being that soft part of my armor that was attacked each and every time I was in battle. With both fists tightened, lip clinched, feet firmly planted, defensive at the ready…the child in me walked up to me and hugged me. He told me that he loved me and that his love was enough. He stood back and smiled and told me I was worth more than I could ever expect. He told me that the search for happiness should never be in the hands of other people. He told me that my journey started at this moment and for anything other than this point in my life I should turn away from it and live. I fell to my knees in total defeat. I felt the angry ooze out of my heart and I saw it disappear once it hit the ground. After I was drained of all darkness and pain I looked up to see the child but he was gone. All I saw from that moment on was the man I was becoming. I saw to my side the man I would love for the rest of my life. I saw at my waist the children I would love and teach how to live and show them the right way sibling should exist together. I walked in the direction of light and told the darkness, “No more” I no longer answer to my feelings. I no longer allow people treating me wrong to affect how great I am and how much I am worth. I thought that the child disappeared but I was quickly reminded that he never left; I just had to allow him to speak. Life is worth the battle as long as you realize that the war doesn’t consist of you forgetting yourself and giving your power to others. I can still love despite the disappointments. I am my mother’s son, I am my father’s child, and I am me no matter the opinions of others, I am a child of GOD and only he shall judge me in the end. I love without shame or disregard for others. I will love you even if you don’t like me or love me as strongly as I love you. It is the path I live and the path I shall travel throughout the rest of my days.