How I Became Me Chapter 34

Fifth Component: Affection Now over the many years I have been in the dating scene this particular subject has caused great pain and great disappointment. I have been with guys that had no clue what affection meant and when to apply it to your relationship. I have met guys that were afraid to show affection because they felt that showing that side of them would make them look weak and soft. I have had guys that wanted us to appear as boys in public but wanted to be under me when we were alone. Not to get me confused with saying that I want to be hugged on, kissed on, and touched all over while we are grocery shopping, there is just many forms of affection that can be felt between the two people in the relationship. If you are with someone and you don’t know what makes them happy and what makes them feel loved then chances are you just don’t care or you don’t pay enough attention to your love. My relationship with Chase has never felt the loss of affection. Our first physical encounter spoke as if we were together years prior to our first meeting. We both crave much affection and miss it if it isn’t done on a regular. That was never a real discussion between us when we first started dating; it was more of an innate sense that we both needed it. It’s like reading body language with someone that you are falling in love with. It is unexplainable at times but we can somehow feel when we need a form of affection. As I said before, there are several forms of affection that can be felt and noticed by only the two people involved or outside people that share that same sense of expression in their love life. A look is affection because there is this passionate look that you gaze at your partner. When they look back at you it is as you’re talking to one another telepathically. It sends this message directly to your brain and you feel your partner loving you through their stare. You have the cute bump on one another. You can be standing in line at the super market or any place out in public and you give your partner this cute like push to let them know you are feeling them in your own way. Chase and I do it all the time and it makes your heart warm when you feel that little gesture of affection. There are times when we pinch one another really softly, when we stand very close to one another in a line or while walking around. We have little sayings towards each other when we are feeling a need to be close; pet names, cute statements, even songs sung directly to one another is a form of affection. The reason why you label these as affection is because you don’t do these things with friends and family. No matter if you are a very affection family there is still a limit to your expression to one another that has no comparison to the way you express it with your partner. When you have taken your relationship to the level of physical expression then affection becomes deeper and more mental than physical. At times I can be starring at Chase and find myself loving him without even touching him. I can be at work and a thought passes my mind, I feel the warm sensation that I feel when we are with one another. Those memories and mental pictures are a form of affection because it is deeply intimate and it creates sensations throughout your mind and body. These are feelings that can’t be compared to anything else and can never be duplicated by another. Affection is a major component in love because without words it tells your partner how much you love them. You hear so often people saying, “Show me and stop telling me”, well that is a true way of honoring that request. If being touchy feely isn’t your thing and you are in a relationship with someone that needs it, then chances are the relationship will become rocky and there will be those cracks in the foundation. At times those cracks lead to people noticing that your relationship is lacking strength. Vultures will swoop in to try and work on that part of the relationship that is lacking. It’s that same experience when you go out in a social setting and your single looking for a mate, there seems to be no one that is attracted to you because you may appear desperate, you may give off this signal that you are in major need of attention and most people find that to be a red flag to walk in the other direction. When you are single you give off this energy that tells most people that if given the right circumstances you will give it up to anyone that hits the right notes to your tune. It has happened to me many times and I have witnessed it happen to people I know. When you want love it doesn’t always appear, but as soon as you have love, everyone is falling at your feet. After Eugene passed away I was unsure if I even wanted to be in love again. The very thought of becoming that serious with another man terrified me, but I still wanted to experience that closeness and affection. Eugene died so our relationship may have ended physically but there was still that attachment that could be sensed in the air by guys looking for someone that wasn’t available. I got into many relationships not matter how long or short, but they all stemmed from the thought that I was unavailable, and for some reason it is always the ones you can’t have that you want the most. Getting into this new life with Chase was both scary and exciting. I could see early on that we shared so many of the same expressions of affection toward one another. There would be times when I wouldn’t hug him as hard, or wouldn’t rub his hair as much, or I wouldn’t kiss him as passionately to see if there would be a reaction. Every single time I changed my affection towards him he noticed and became upset expressing that he longs for those things that I decided to pull back on. It wasn’t a test to work his nerves it was more of an experiment to see if he in fact really loved those things or was he just adapting to my need for them. We have been together almost 3 years and we each have experienced the wrath of forgetting to give a kiss and say, “I love you” when we leave the house. I remember the first time Chase left the house to go to work without telling me he loved me and giving me my morning kiss. The craziest thing about this was I was dead sleep and couldn’t tell you when he woke up, what he put on, what show he was watching as he got dressed, but I woke up out of a deep sleep, grabbed my and sent him a very angry text telling him that he left the house without telling me he loved me and giving my morning kiss. He immediately responded and apologized because he had a long drive ahead and his mind was on other things. My slip up happened one morning when I had to run to work. It was a very busy week and I also had a lot on my mind. I remember saying to myself, “Let me kiss him and tell him I love him” but got distracted by something else. I was in the car and while I was driving I felt my phone vibrating in my shirt pocket. When I pulled the phone out I saw that it was Chase calling and I instantly knew what I forgot to do. I let him get his scolding out because I deserved it and then I laughed to myself because I remembered how I felt when he did me the same way. At that moment I knew that we were cut from the same cloth and I love it. People sometimes will but the strength of the relationship in how their partner expresses their affection. There are those men that wait for special occasions to show they love their partner, some women will pull back on the affection to give their partner space while feeling lacked in that part of their desires. It is never a good thing to go without what makes you happy. If someone shows you affection and then pulls back, that causes the doubt, insecurity, and fear that the relationship is falling apart. If someone isn’t that affectionate in the beginning and then start to go totally overboard with the affection it can be seen as if they have done something wrong and they are trying to make it up by giving into what their partner was missing. These are merely opinions by someone that values those measures taken to show that person you love them. It doesn’t take a lot to make someone feel special and feel that they are loved and appreciated. When you enter a relationship with someone you really must lay down all the needs and expectations. It’s not a list of demands but a list of what makes you happy and you are worth those measures because you are giving them what they need and desire. Love is hand in hand and should never be seen one sided. If you are getting what you want and need but choose when you feel like returning the favor, you are dead wrong and you don’t deserve the love someone is giving you. To make a relationship last we all need to find that medium, find a compromise that makes both parties happy. Communication and Respect are components that are needed and together they can be placed in the mix with affection. Through affection you are communicating your love for someone and through acting on the needs of your partner will give them your total respect and will show them that you care. Some people love the beginning of relationships because it’s exciting, hyper emotional, hyper sexual, and everything is brand new and you are breaking the seal off of a new experience. Once life starts entering into the equation most people become complacent and they forget what brought them into the relationship. It can be so easy for someone to take their lover or partner for granted. Speaking honestly, Chase has fallen into that rut a few times. They just expect you to be there, to understand that they have a lot going on, and if you do the same to them, their ego is stepped on and they cry out in protest. There was a point in our relationship where Chase had so much happening to him emotionally that he started falling short on the things that made our relationship strong. We became distant, we started having arguments left and right, we started drifting apart, and it finally came to the point where the end was near. We both had to step back and Chase needed that emotional slap to get him back in focus on us. He started realizing that the reason we were becoming unhappy with one another was because those affectionate moments that calmed us were becoming further and further apart. We both were going through hard times in our lives but once Chase started to drift away from us I retaliated by cutting him from what he needed to feel loved. Even in the best relationships those lessons need to be learned. You can be so happy with someone that when you aren’t giving them the attention they deserve or require, you miss it because it is second nature to you and you really think that you are giving the same dosage that you normally give them. After a few fallouts I decided that the approach shouldn’t make matters worse they should bring the attention back to our home and what made us special. The affection in our relationship has become stronger than ever and it seems to consistently grow as time goes on. If one of us is sick then the other gets into caregiver mode, when one of us are faced with troubles on the job, the other jumps into the role as cheerleader. You need that constantly and no matter how long you are together you must remain consistent because it’s the little things that mean a lot. People think that the big things far out weight the little, but to try to push yourself to go bigger with each expression will drain you and burn you out, but if you remain focused on the little things that are hard to forget, when you do go big it will be appreciated far more than if you keep trying to top each show of affection. Know the person you love and don’t compare them to other people or have outsiders give you advice on what makes their partner happy. You know your love and you know what makes them smile. Not everyone will react the same way to the same things. If money is no issue and you purchase them a car that you feel will be their dream car, they could respond to you by saying, “We can’t afford this”, “We didn’t need to make such a huge purchase”, to some people that response would sound ungrateful, but to people that look at your lives long term the response is practical and unselfish. Gestures of love are not weighed by monetary value; they are fueled by emotion and true love. When you do anything for someone you love it can be felt by the gesture and not the delivery. Never forget the value of affection and how it can weather any storm a relationship may face. When you have truly connected to someone in a way that cannot be expressed by words, then you are on a level that no one but the one you love will understand. Affection cannot be weighed, measured, or placed with a dollar amount, affection is priceless and it will never run out of steam as long as the actions and expressions are genuine and only for that special person. If you are someone that doesn’t feel comfortable with another person giving you affection then I would challenge you to take a long look at yourself and answer this question, “If you don’t want to be touched, hugged on, kissed on, loved on, and held tight, then would it be wrong for your partner to not want you to have your way with them sexually?” Sex is only sex when emotions are not present during. Love making is pure affection because with this action you and your partner are connecting in a way that will cover your future and your experiences together forever. People confuse these things called sex and affection. Just because at the end of a sexual encounter you feel satisfied that doesn’t mean that your partner feels equally satisfied. You may have a reputation of being a master in the bedroom, but if that part of you was taken away, what would you have to offer? If all you were known for was sex, if by some freak of nature incident took that part of you away, would you simply throw in the towel and never to be considered again? If you have talents in that arena, then take it a step further and give more than a climax. Offer your partner something that measure more than what you do under the sheets. I promise you that in the future these actions will make your memory stronger and more relevant to the person left with them. My relationship with Chase has placed me on a level where I want to be with someone that I could not live without over someone I could live with. It is really difficult to find a warm body to have in your life, but other than the body temperature, what else does this person do for you and to you? Can this person make you smile in your worse moment? Can this person take away your fears with a hug or a kiss? Can this person make you feel secure by just holding you in their arms? Can this person make you look at yourself with more gratitude, confidence, and strength because that is how they view you? Can this person stand alone from your past experiences and others that are in your eye sight? Is this person the savior of your thirst for love and happiness? Is this person the reason you smile bigger and bigger by the day? Is this person the reason that no matter how horrible life gets you still can hold on to this light that refuses to dim or fade? Is this person the reason you fear the end because you fear not being with them over not being here? Once you get to that place in your life when every answer to those questions reflect the person you are in a relationship then you have truly understood the path you’ve traveled, learned from your mistakes, taken on challenges and came out the victor. Your journey isn’t just what you have coming to you personally; it also represents who you’ve chosen to be your partner in life and love. The decisions we make in our life count either towards a brighter future or a darker journey. If you have made the best choice when it comes to your partner, then everything you face in the future, though unsure, won’t be impossible because you are only as weak as your imagination. My relationship with Chase isn’t just exciting because of the moments we share, it’s powerful because what we have done for and to one another shows throughout our lives and people can see a happiness that cannot be explained. When you are adding riches to your soul, the glow that comes from your heart will blind those that mean you wrong and draw to you those that share in your happiness. The truth in affection is that it transcends through every relationship, every encounter, every moment spent with family, friends, and people you are getting to know. The root of all relationships hold a form of affection that connects you to the people meant for your life and meant to enrich your life with riches that won’t buy you a damn thing but will make you feel richer than any celebrity. It is in those relationships you truly see yourself and understand why you are worth the past you’ve survived, understood the challenges thrown your way, and the acceptance that you are worthy of this person that loves you unconditionally. The saying, “You can’t love someone else if you can’t love yourself” is the truest statement to live by. You can’t expect someone to see what you are worth if your worth is measured by the bad things you’ve seen and been through. Tests and trials are ongoing and no matter how happy you are there will be a lot more ahead. The key to success in life and inner peace is being able to give yourself the affection you need and then share those needs with the person you end up with and will love until your end. Never fear being alone, because if you can’t enjoy spending time by yourself how in the hell can you expect anyone to want to spend time with you?