How I Became Me Chapter 24

Fast Forward “When we first met I was in despair nothing seemed to matter, I didn’t really care. You placed your arms around me and I grew in your grace, you’re the reason why, there’s a smile upon my face. You came along and made my life brand new, because my strongest weakness is you” December 12, 2009 2:45PM – The Wedding Day I cried from the moment I walked into the room. We planned to have our wedding some place big and beautiful but after we thought about it, it was best that we scaled things down. The weeks leading up to the wedding were so stressful to me, but Chase remained calm throughout that time. I ordered the rings, I picked the colors, I picked the cake, I picked the decorations, I wrote out the program, I wrote my vows…my brain was in overdrive. Let me slow down because I’m starting to do it again and the wedding was 2 years ago. After several months of Chase spending the night with me and driving back to Macon for work we decided that we were ready to make the next step. The web camera was cool but it lacked the closeness we both needed. At the time Chase lived with his best friend Trellis and the arrangement was great for him. Trellis’ daughter became sick so she decided to move to be close to her and help her through her ordeal. We discussed ideas about what we were going to do now that he had to move. My first idea was for him to move in with me but that didn’t happen. Chase decided to move in with his sister Drew. The web camera moments were interrupted with Chase having to discipline his nephews and nieces. Drew would come in the room and say hello to me when she saw that Chase and I were talking. I could see Chase’s relaxed demeanor now that things were finally falling into place. The stress wasn’t as bad as it was once his was betrayed by his ex. We started digging deeper and deeper into our relationship. We were becoming mentally, physically, spiritually, and verbally in sync. I could feel when he was holding things in, I could sense when he was feeling a certain way. I’d never really experienced that sort of deepness before and it felt good though it was new to me. Chase could read my eyes and tell when I was sad, angry, worried, stressed, and tired. The web camera had its purpose and it provided a lot between us without us having to speak a word. Eventually we came to the point when we planned a trip to Savannah for our anniversary. I was so excited and so ready for a break. This was going to be a new chapter in our relationship and a chance for us to experience life as a couple. Missing Chase was like the daily struggle for me. It felt like when he left I was not whole. Though the happiness in my life increased, the need for his presence had increased equally. There were still the issues surrounding the ex, the kids, and the church. Chase held so much in to protect me from what was happening behind the scenes. I could see through his barrier but I didn’t want to press him on opening up because I knew it would only make him feel worse. It was going to be a difficult balancing act when you incorporate so many lives into a new relationship. It was stressful for him to be a dad, a son, an ex-husband, and a strong figure in his church. Entering into my life he had to add being a partner, lover, friend, confidant, and eventually a father to the children in our future. I really wanted Chase to myself all the time but I knew what I was faced with when I got to know his story. My family dynamic was not great and it seemed to only get worse after every passing of a loved one. You would think that once you lose parents, a sibling, cousins, and friends you would start looking from within to restore the relationships with the family that still lived. It seemed that distance became more distant. Before we hit the road to go on our trip Chase brought me to meet his mother at her job. My heart was racing and I felt nervous but excited at the same time. Secretly I was sad because I couldn’t return the favor to Chase. I knew how close he and his mother were; I wanted him to experience that relationship I had with my mom. Rick and Chase would have been very tight due to the similarities of their personality. At times it is scary with how similar they truly are, their masterful cooking ability, their inability to relax and not run through the house cleaning and cleaning. I found it so laughable when I watched Chase; it would give me flashbacks to when I visited Rick. The experience was wonderful and I felt so overjoyed that he loved me enough to bring me into his mother’s life. The level of trust that took to not be afraid of letting his mother speak with someone he hasn’t been with that long but loved that deeply. I met his sister Ashley when we stopped at the apartment Chase shared with Drew. It was a different experience being introduced as his lover and not being introduced as just a friend then being thrown into a family. The way I was introduced to Eugene’s family left that painful feeling in my heart. To come from being loved and adored to becoming hated and disgusted by really changes your perception of meeting your lover’s family. I was so glad that our vacation was starting on such a high. Once we reached Savannah we checked into our room, then we went out to see the city. We did the sightseeing, the restaurant experience, the souvenir shopping, and then the beach. The weather was perfect, the time together was magnificent, but the hotel room was less than stellar. The water ran like it was clogged up, there was a metal rod bent out from under the bed and of course I stumped my foot on it. Those small horrors didn’t stop the love that was being created between the two of us. Getting back to the room after our first day of Savannah Chase got a phone call. Instantly Chase went into a frenzy. He started yelling, cursing, and pacing back and forth. I wasn’t sure at first what was going on but it didn’t take long to figure out what the issue was. Apparently his kids found out that Chase brought me to meet their grandmother and they were angry at their dad for doing so. Chase’s kids became very disrespectful to him and his ex only fueled the fires. Chase got so angry that he was about to get dressed, jump in the car, and get to Macon to beat his son’s very disrespectful ass. After he hung up the phone I yelled at him to get his attention. Me: “Chase! Stop! Calm your ass down. This is our vacation and you are going to let your ex and your children ruin it. What sense would it make for you to drive to Macon which would take hours, to beat his ass and then have that be the memory of our first vacation together. This is our anniversary and I’ll be damned if I let them ruin it. When the vacation is over and you still want to deal with them then that’s what you will do. What you won’t do is change the atmosphere of our time together.” Eventually Chase calmed down and realized that what I was saying to him made more sense than what he was feeling. For the rest of our trip we had such a great time and we hated leaving. I knew at that moment this trip would be the first of many we would share between one another. Though it was still early in the relationship we were already showing the strength of our partnership. We were being faced with many obstacles that would more than likely break up a relationship. We faced them together and we worked together at conquering them. Though the trip ended on a smooth note the drama didn’t rest. It wasn’t long until we decided that Chase needed to move in with me so that we could live as a couple and end the long distance. I remember going out to get a copy of the house key. Chase was at work in Macon and would normally get home before me. I got the key and bought a card that played “Because You Loved” by Celine Dion. When Chase got to the house he called me and thanked me for the card. The decision for us living together wasn’t a decision that required a lot of thought to me. The fear of loving someone that deeply was no longer there. I looked past my fears and doubts and followed my heart. I couldn’t keep trying to run from what might happen. I had to start facing that fear and looking at the fact that this was a moment of happiness and I couldn’t let it go because of my inner demons. It felt right and it felt right on time. Shortly after moving in we experienced a little more drama on behalf of the ex. The divorce was finalized, child support was issued, and the life we shared was complete. Chase’s ex-wife left several disrespectful voice messages on our house phone which I deleted. The relationship with the children wasn’t improving because the ex filled their minds up with negativity and only wanted to destroy Chase’s happiness because she accused him of doing that to her. I explained to Chase many times that it wouldn’t end until he confronted the issue head on. Just because you feel that your kids are struggling to deal with the divorce of their parents, their father moving from Macon to Gwinnett, their father being gay, and their father living with his lover, there still was a rule that kids respect their parents. That was an issue that constantly angered me with how Chase allowed so much disrespectful, immaturity, and just a whole lot of nonsense. There is certainly a thin line between the new love and the kids from the old one. That line should never be crossed without the thought of what it may do to your current relationship. No matter what our future held his kids would always be his kids. I wasn’t blind to that notion and in fact I built from knowing that relationship was worth fighting to replenish. I never could see my life working out if I allowed that negative energy influence my decisions for us and for our future. Chase experienced a lot of horrible truths but at the same time he found that his support system was stronger than any drama that decided to drop its bags at our door. Even when he didn’t utter a word to me, I could feel his inner struggle trying to make it all work out. He wanted to please everyone and keep positivity in everyone’s life. The biggest thing that he didn’t realize and what he neglected was his own happiness. It didn’t take much for me to realize this because my life was that exact way. I knew what it meant to be expected to save the family at the cost of your happiness. I didn’t want to see the man I love fall in the face of adversity. Back To Reality After the wedding we spent our honeymoon in a hotel, compliments of Tammy. At this point in our lives we decided to get a place to share with Peggy and Hoyte. Early on we saw that it was a mistake but we wanted to try our best to make it work. The idea was for all of us to get back on our feet and then go our separate ways. Chase moved in around March and I was laid off from my job in April. After 8 ½ years of service they let me go. I must admit I didn’t feel bad that I was let go. The only thing I feared was not having a job to wake up to. My friends that I cared about caused a lot of the issues that lead me to being let go. That moment of taking my blue folder with the paperwork explaining my severance added the period of the end of that chapter. I no longer had to watch my back, I knew that the people I trusted from here on out would have to really work to get that trust from me, the headaches, the horrible company decisions, the constant juggling act, and the fake smiles in the faces of managers and directors that had no heart was more than anyone could deal with. Getting laid off was actually a gift for my sanity and for me searching for peace in my future. Financially we were struggling and trying to make things work. The test of true love is when faced with immeasurable odds you don’t forget that the person standing next to you is working and struggling right with you. The stress that came from Chase being the only bread winner in the situation was due to the need I had to help. I felt that I wasn’t able to get the things we needed. I saw the stress in Chase’s face every morning he had to wake up and drive 2 ½ hours to Macon and then 2 ½ hours back to Gwinnett. I received unemployment and eventually I started receiving funds through my EBT card which had us covered for food. We clung to one another more under the circumstances even though there were times our relationship was tested. We had mini splits here and there. We had arguments as all lovers do. We exposed parts of our personality that would not flatter one another. No matter where those dark roads took us, we were sure that the light ahead was for us being together and not apart. It seemed like after we married, the relationship between Chase and my family started to go a different direction. It seemed more envy and jealousy than love and support. I didn’t quite understand what the issue really was until the day came for Chase and I to move out and go our separate ways like we’d discussed before the four of us moved in together. Chase and I started looking later than Peggy and Hoyte. One weekend Chase and I decided to spend the night in downtown Atlanta so that we could have some married couple time. That Sunday when we returned Peggy said that they found a place and they were going to take it. We both were very happy for them and we knew that we had to get on the ball to find a place for us as well. The decision was made when we started experiencing the craziness of our landlords. Things in the beginning were fine and then it all turned horribly wrong. So I asked Chase and Peggy if they wanted us to just move out and not pay rent or should we honor the lease, and then move out. It was unanimous that we would not pay rent and move out. That following week Chase and I started our search for a place for us. We saw several places and the search became sort of like a nice road trip to escape the everyday drama of Peggy and Hoyte’s marriage. It seemed that every morning we were hearing arguments and hearing Peggy say that she and Hoyte weren’t going to make it. It was something that Peggy constantly said but never acted on. The relationship between Chase and I only angered Peggy because she wanted Hoyte to cater to her like Chase catered to me. Our relationship angered Hoyte because seeing how happy we were only made him realize how bad his marriage was with Peggy. The environment became more and more toxic. The energy in the house started to affect our relationship. So after several searches and one possible pick that feel apart, we found a place and it was a place we both fell in love with. During the process of our move Peggy and Hoyte totally stopped talking to us. It came out of nowhere but we were not surprised that they would resort to childish measures. Seeing their behavior only made us that much more excited to leave them behind. Right up to the last week of us living together we spent those last days in Perry GA at Rhonda’s house. Rhonda turned out to be Chase’s best friend. From the moment I met her I told Chase that she was closer to him that Keisha was. Chase chose Keisha as his best-woman at our wedding and I chose Jennings as mine. I never saw Keisha as a really great friend for Chase even though she was a lesbian and Rhonda was straight. The time we spent at Rhonda’s was great and we had such a good time. I got phone calls from Peggy telling me that the landlord was threatening them to get out or she was going to kick them out. I didn’t feed into the craziness because if I did it would have messed up this positive change of occurrences in our life. After that storm Chase and I found a home that we loved. Our relationship was still being tweaked but it was just us. I said early on in our relationship that living with my family always turned out bad but because of our tragedies I thought that we could work better together. That wasn’t the case. I was attending The University of Phoenix and Chase was working closer to home. The financial issues were not completely gone, but the home life was less stressful and more focused on us together. The story was about to take another change and the ultimate test of our relationship was coming. The question that pended in my head was, “Have we learned from our past to make better decisions for our future and the future of our marriage?” That question would be answered and a lot of sacrifices would be made to get to the root of the unseen troubles we were dealing with.