How I Became Me Chapter 36

Seventh Component: Motivation Motivation can be both rewarding and extremely stressful. Keep in mind that I speak from my own life and not as someone expecting to change the minds of people that may read this. Since I can remember I have been driven and it was almost impossible to rest because my mind never allows me to. I have heard from people time and time again, “Stop thinking so much”, honestly I find that statement severely stupid…not to say the people that have said it were stupid, but the idea that you can just shut down the most important part of your anatomy to controls just about every function in your body is madness. I am the type of person that will see something and go for it. If I plan to achieve anything in my life I tend to get there. Motivation is the key to success, because if you lack motivation you won’t do much with your life. There are several motivators in my life, but the biggest one I have is Chase. There are those moments when I get down because I have so much I want to do and it feels like nothing is coming of it. As person that normally faces difficult moments in life with ease, I have truly recognized that I was motivated by the wrong things. Growing up I focused more on my family and not myself. When I took time to work on me I would breeze through the list of achievements I’d set for me. Until recently it hasn’t dawned on me why that was, but now that I am older, wiser, and more stable emotionally I know the reason why I get so overwhelmed is because I didn’t truly motivate myself for me. I would make goals that were not difficult so that I could still be there for those I felt needed me. As I said before, “I don’t blame them for relying on me”, I created that monster and it felt that the only way I was appreciated was when I came to the aide of whichever one of my family members needed me. My relationship with Chase opened my eyes to so much. I was still suffering from the loss of my loved ones and I tried to throw myself into the things that soothed my soul but I couldn’t stay focused long enough for it to matter. My emotional state was unpredictable and constantly changing. I lost everyone that motivated me to do great things and I felt so alone because the family members that are still in my life has never motivated or supported me in anything. When it came to my dancing, I was only praised when I went to parties or to clubs with my siblings and they wanted to show me off. When it came to being able to solve problems I was always called to be the mediator in a fallout between siblings. When it came to my writing, I was only praised when I used my talents to help someone in my family. When it came to singing, I was never supported by my family and my knowledge of t he music industry was only used by my brother and his focus wasn’t on me, it was on my nephew. These last few months since I separated myself from them has given me the time I needed to heal and to refocus on my plans to achieve my goals. My motivation for this turnaround is Chase. Since we started dating he has always supported me and praised me for any and everything I did. Chase took the poems I wrote, the books I wrote, the songs I wrote, and the advice I gave and paid close attention to them. Not only did he pay attention, he actually sat with me and asked me how I created what I created. He was in total awe with my talents and told anyone that would listen. Having a motivator helps if you fall short on self-motivation. I allowed the negative things that were going on in my life to cloud my mind and keep me down. I didn’t believe in myself because I felt that the ones that truly had my back were no longer around. My mother and my brother Rick were very strong entities in my life and in my life development. The conversations I had with my mom would have been shocking to most people because she and I were extremely far apart in age, she was my mom, and I was one of her babies. When it came to our moments of hanging out, those differences didn’t matter. When I moved to Atlanta I stated in constant contact with my mom. It always tripped me out when she would call during a moment in my life when I was going through a lot. Our conversations were empowering and fuel for me to succeed and work harder. With that motivation from my mom, I was able to face the challenges and obstacles ahead of me. When I claimed something I owned it and when I talked to my mom she spoke it to reality. My brother Rick was the motivation behind me looking into myself deeper. Growing up in Aiken I was always told I was too young to talk the way I did. I really didn’t have an outlet to voice my feelings because no one respected or supported the fact that though I was young, I still had a solid head on my shoulders. Rick pushed me further and further because he believed in me and he knew I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. When I would come to Rick about a problem, his answer was never just to make me feel good, he told me the truth and he allowed me the moment to vent but immediately told me to brush it off and face. After those important people were taken from me I lost myself and it seemed I forgot who I was without them. It seemed as though the strength I had was taken from me as well. I was lost in an open space of my life with no destination in sight. I couldn’t focus on anything for a long period of time. In the few moments where I did make huge accomplishments, they didn’t impact me as I thought they would because the very people I would share those moments with were gone. So the happiness wasn’t enough to sustain me and motivation didn’t mean a damn thing to me anymore. My life was like in auto pilot until I met Chase. Once I broke through that wall I built I saw myself in a new light. I started feeling that motivation building up in me and making me want to do more with my life. Being in a relationship with someone that is talented as well only strengthens your abilities. Chase reads everything I write and we have dialogue about topics I am starting on and he gives me ideas on future works. Being in a positive and strong relationship only heightens your imagination, after surviving so many obstacles in my past I was able to tap into those moments and create something positive. Each time I revisit those past experiences am I made aware of the blessing that is my life. I gave up on me before I allowed my life to do the same. I realized that my motivation had to come from within and not through other people. Though I have people that love and care for me and support me, I still need that self inspiration, that self belief, and that self motivation. Now that I have worked through my issues my brain feels stronger and the stories I create come out of thin air and the ease of making a world from my mind allows me to have this power over my life in a way. The past can be happy and sad, but one of the things those two sides have in common is that they possess the energy to teach us to focus on our present and our future. If you can’t use what you’ve learned, then what is the point of living? How can you truly live to your full potential if your past is still too difficult to face. The motivation my mom gave me helped me growing up, the motivation Rick gave me helped me in my adult like, and the motivation that Chase gives me prepares me for our future together. My dream of being a father is within reach and I have someone right beside me to support our relationship. Though these individuals have in common the love and support for me, the ultimate dose of motivation comes from me. I see life as a learning tool and as it should be seen. When I am faced with obstacles I start planning on how I will defeat them and what will I do with the lesson I took from them. Life is set up for that exact reason, to teach you, to make you aware, to mold you, and to prepare you for what’s to come. I never give up and the thought of throwing my hands up in defeat is out of the question. My life now is motivated towards the achievements I am working towards now. I want to be the best husband/partner that I can be, I want to be a great support and provider, I want to be the best singer, writer, dancer, and actor that I can be, I also want to be the best stepfather and father to Chase’s kids and to our future children. Life is such an amazing ride if you take your hands from blocking your sight. The feeling that you get on a rollercoaster ride is exactly the way life makes you feel. That moment when you start slowly creeping up to the top makes you feel nervous, anxious, excited, and wired. The moment when you start heading down you feel the weight piling on your back and your shoulders. You can barely breathe from the pressure and it isn’t comfortable at all. Then that drop where everything falls and it is impossible to grab it all back and put it back in place. You try to scream but the velocity of the wind knocks your voice back into your throat. You try to control your air intake but the pressure is too powerful and you have no choice but to give in. While you are falling you hear a voice telling you to let your hands reach out and allow the wind to propel them over your head. At the moment you think you can’t take anymore that pause hits suddenly and it gives you this jolt as it starts all over again. If you don’t take notice of your past and adapt to your future, then your life will be much like the Georgia Cyclone and from personal experience I would not ever want to ride the Georgia Cyclone. Every time I went to Six Flags that ride was the one I hated the most. You get in the seat and automatically you start feeling uncomfortable because the seats are hard with no cushion. When the ride activates, the sound is loud and you hear cracking and popping in the wires and metal as the electricity is surging through. When you take off you get your head snapped back and thrown forward, this is all in the first 10 seconds of the ride. Once the ride has started moving, you feel every bump, crack, jolt, pull, and pop. At this time you know that you are in for a world of hurt. As the ride climbs it shakes and trembles. Your vision is distorted and you cannot focus on anything. As you climb higher and higher you look down on the platform wishing you were just a spectator and not a participator. As soon as it reaches the very top you can hear the power stop and the ride sits there for about another 10 seconds until the unexpected drop hits you. You feel every blemish in the metal as the wheels scrap against them forcefully. When the ride hits towards the left you get thrown to the right, when the ride hits the right you get thrown to the left. You are in total agony throughout the ride and all you can do is pray that it will be over soon. Once you survive the horrible experience you are greeted by the amusement park employees asking if you would like the picture that was taken while you were on the ride. Every single time I stupidly got on the ride my picture shows me with my eyes shut tightly, me grabbing to the bar with all of my might, my mouth wide open from yelling, and the sweat dripping from my forehead praying that this old rickety ride stops and doesn’t fall apart. Not being prepared for the future is much like the experience on the Georgia Cyclone. You feel every bad mistake; you trip over every pump in your carpet that you constantly brushed out of sight, when you experience moments of your life reaching higher to the top it isn’t joy you feel, its fear and uncertainty. When things start to fall the fall is hard, rough, and unforgiving. By the time the ride stops you are left damaged, unhappy, and feeling miserable. Motivation is very powerful and if not followed by positive reinforcement you can be motivated to fail or give up. If you believe in you, if you know what you are capable of, if you are focused and sure of the path you will travel, then please think about you and don’t worry about what other people think. Your destiny isn’t shared with another individual. You must remember that strength is only positive if it comes from you and if it is wrapped in past life lessons. When you fall in love and the person in your life is your cheerleader and the one that has your back, side, and front, you are on the right path and you are headed in the direction set for you. Chase is my inspiration and my support system. Even though my confidence is back to normal and has increased, having him there to keep me focused means the world to me. In a relationship, the partnership aspect is important. If you are friends as well as lovers, your life together will bear fruit that will nourish your life individually and together. I set realistic goals, and I make realistic attempts to fulfill my life journey. As I grow I learn and what I learn only gets put back into my marriage. In order to get support you must support. Now I no longer use the words “I”& “Mine”, my vocabulary has experienced an upgrade as well as my soul. I am my motivator and I welcome the motivation from my Hubby, and I give him the motivation he needs to conquer his goals. Being a powerful person is one thing, but to be a powerful couple makes the world stand in attention and respect.