How I Became Me Chapter 39

Eleventh Component: Full Disclosure The need in business transactions to tell the "whole truth" about any matter which the other party should know in deciding to buy or contract. In real estate sales in many states there is a full disclosure form which must be filled out and signed under penalty of perjury for knowingly falsifying or concealing any significant fact Yes the definition sounds extremely business and impersonal, but I feel that there is a lot of that definition that applies to a successful relationship. “To tell the "whole truth" about any matter which the other party should know” This applies to so many important things that can make or break a relationship. For example, when Eugene and I were exclusive and getting tired of sharing space with my brother, we decided to get our own place. While we were looking around I remembered asking Eugene several times if there was any issues with his credit, if there was any issues with his finances, and would there by anything that would prevent us from moving out and getting our own place? Each time I asked him those questions I got the same response, “No”. I believe that he was being upfront and honest about it so I stepped out on faith and shortly after finding a place that we both loved, the reality of his lie play against us in a major way. Eventually we found a place and were able to make it, but for the beginning part of our relationship living together was clouded by the stresses and strains of poor money management and his lack of ability to fix his past mistakes. Another brush with someone not giving me the entire truth was my relationship with Henry. He made it known to me in the beginning that he was out and he was not afraid to step out as an openly gay man. It wasn’t until he moved in his nephew Eric in with us that I found that to be a total lie. I remember it was on a Saturday and I was leaving my job about an hour earlier than normal. When I opened the door I could hear him on the phone with his mother, telling her that he was really attracted to this woman at his job and he was building up the nerve to ask her out for a date. Though in my heart I knew that we weren’t meant to be together, but hearing that was more than enough of a reason to walk away from an unrealistic relationship. Though Chase and I ran into a lot of obstacles in our relationship, we were very open about our lives and our past. If anything in total certainty I can say, it would be that Chase made me well aware of what I was getting into when I decided to be with him. When those issues started to surface, we were able to survive them because we weren’t taken by surprise. Full disclosure has always been my practice. I am a firm believer in letting people know what they are getting into before they commit to me. My thought in doing that is for me to see if it’s meant to be or not. The very first day Chase and I met I found out all that I needed to know. I know that most of it was nerves, but I appreciated the fact that once he started he didn’t shy aware from it once he realized that he poured his entire life on my lap. Of course me being my mother’s son, I did the same in return. My mother was a talker and she told everything without leaving anything out or to be subject to interpretation. “Penalty of perjury for knowingly falsifying or concealing any significant fact” Though it isn’t considered illegal to withhold truths and facts from the person you are getting into a relationship with, it is however, a very immoral approach to starting a relationship. The fact that the truth could be that bad you would choose to withhold it should tell you right off that you are not ready for a real relationship and the person you are deceiving with your secrets must not be special enough to you. At times we feel that it is considered protection but it always turns into the last shoe that drops and causes the relationship to end. I always put myself in the shoes of the person before I make a judgment from my own personal feelings. I know for me there isn’t really a long list that I would have to tell someone I couldn’t be with them. I think that your past is your past, if you are working to better yourself then that is encouragement enough to allow for the time to get those issues in order. Opening up to someone you want to be with shows them that you trust them, you want to do right by them, you are strong, and you are in it for all the right reasons. People that lie all the time are people that have major issues with their selves and no matter who they meet, that person can never truly get to know them because once one lie has been told it takes lie after lie to cover up the first one. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would rather hash it out right then and there so I won’t need to have this huge explanation later. When you make a decision to hold things from people you are taking their God given right to make a choice. When you have your choices taken away from you it can destroy your trust and cause your future to fall to a path not set for you. I find myself to be very trusting and respectful to people and whatever their past is. I look into the heart of the person and from that I compare what I see to what they show. When you get that vision and they don’t match up, that my friends is the alert telling you to step back, analyze, document, notate, and question. One of the practices that I use when getting to know someone is just to allow them to talk. Sometimes when someone is comfortable lying to people they can start ranting and raving without realizing that they are saying way too much to remember. Once I get through that initial conversation I allow for some time before I start bringing up facts that they shared with me in the beginning to see if they story will be the same as the first time. 9 times out of 10 they slip up and you can see the frustration in their face while they try to go back and rectify what they know they screwed up. If more people took the time to do the right thing these measures would not be necessary. If love and happiness is what you want then why wouldn’t you do your part and start it off with openness and honesty. From my experience a lie is harder to hold on to than the truth. The truth is there and nothing can be done about it. A lie is a shackle that constantly leaves you feeling uncomfortable and afraid that one day you are going to trip over it. People that know you can either say that you are trusting, open, outspoken, and honest. I like that description over being sneaky, shady, and can’t be trusted. Even when people tell that someone is that way, I still like to find out for myself. The way you view someone and their actions doesn’t mean that I will see it the same way, if it is a mistake to be made allow me to make it without the assistance of outside opinions. We can something miss out on great opportunities because we let other people make decisions and come to conclusions for us. There is no worse feeling than to tell someone you missed out on a great guy/girl because someone told you that he or she can’t be trusted. Chase and I have a total honesty policy and at times we can say things to each other in the heat of an emotional moment, nonetheless we still share our feelings. When you have a strong foundation in your relationship you can always come back to the round table, share where you were in the heat of the moment, collect your thoughts, take out the emotions, and just be open and truthful. When you take out the negativity and the head butting you get the facts and you both realize that there was no need to take it to the level it went to. A relationship is constant work, but it isn’t constant fighting. The one you love is the one that fights for you, not with you. We both agree that the past should be talked about but not severely discussed over and over again. The thought behind sharing the past is to get over it and leave room for the future. The past should only be tapped into for lessons learned, experiences shared, and to show why you are where you are in life. A relationship that can’t seem to move because one or both parties involved are holding on to the past is doomed from the beginning. You both are bringing a lot of baggage into a new relationship, but by the time your past has started destroying the future, your relationship is over before it had a chance to begin. I must admit that I started out that way with Chase. There would be similarities to his reactions or his attitude that reminded me of Eugene. There were instances that made him look back at his previous marriage and act out the way he did then. We both realized that we were doing it and we made a promise to each other that we would work on ourselves and our relationship. A new person can’t save you from the past but they can be a great incentive for you to want to leave your past behind you. Chase, for me, was labeled my savior. I honestly felt and still feel that. My heart was broken, my will was weakened, my lust for life was fading, and the hopes of a beautiful life seemed impossible. The first time we spent together washed the stains from my brain and polished my heart to shine again. When I realized how much I loved him I knew that my hopes for a better future were possible. I would not put Chase on a pedestal that would set him up to fail, but to admit to him that his being in my life was the cause of me moving in the direction of positivity, happiness, bliss, and joy is acceptable because it not only strengthens me, it strengthens him, and our relationship. Chase always felt that he didn’t really have a voice and because he was so used to following what was set in motion for him, the idea of stepping in a different direction was terrifying. Full disclosure made us vulnerable to each other; seeing him raw and afraid, but willing to try only made me feel certain that I was going the right direction and he was worth me trying to make my future better than my past. The most you can hope for is a good try to find love and hold on to it. If you don’t give your all for a purpose as special as true love, then what are you holding out for? There isn’t anything wrong with letting someone know that you are fragile, you are scared, you are fearful of being hurt, you don’t know what the hell you are doing but you still want to do it. These are not reasons to look the other way and close the chapter before it starts. If more people were able to get out of their own way long enough for someone to see in them what they feel they have inside, there would be better relationships and less craziness that we all have either experienced or have seen through the walks of other people in our lives. You must know your purpose; you must know your strengths, your weakness, and you indifference. I believe I know me very well, but I am not too proud to admit that sometimes I can paint a better picture over the one where the colors are not neat and parallel with the lines that incase the beauty. I full accept being a beautiful mess and a work in progress. With admitting that to myself I can truthfully step in front of Chase and tell him that I love him and I know he loves me. Full disclosure isn’t something to be afraid of. In fact it needs to be a current practice throughout your life, be it in love, life, finances, and your career choice. People that can see you as been human with exceptional qualities will be more ready to give you the chance to shine. If you come across as rigid and robotic, lacking emotion, vulnerability, criticism, and the ability to take the truth being handed back to you, then I suggest you stop on the path you are trying to travel because once you reach your destination you won’t be prepared for what is to come. I know for a fact that I am a better person because of my past, my friends, and my family. Today I don’t speak to all of my siblings but I know that my decision to walk another path separate from them will only brighten my chances at a peaceful existence and who knows, in time they may figure out what they need to work on. Just because I am not around them doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving them. In any relationship someone has to be the bigger person and accept the unacceptable. When a choice as strong as leaving your family behind you is made then you are aware of the struggles that life has coming in your direction and you’ve proven to yourself that nothing in life can break you. “I am strong, I am loving, I am outspoken, I have a temper, I am a clown, I am a lover, I am a nurturer, I am fearful, I am nervous, I am scared, I am vulnerable, I am excited, I am mean, I am brutally honest, I am a fighter, I am afraid to fight, I am a thinker, I can be lazy, I am a parent, I love being seen, I love attention, I hate to be put on the spot, I am sexual, I am a dreamer, I am determined, I hate authority…overall, I am me and there is no one else on earth like me. I have disclosed a short list of traits that make me who I am. Take me or leave me, but I promise you will never forget me.” ©11/17/2011 – By Gregory James Upson