How I Became Me Chapter 38

Tenth Component: Friendship Majority of my mistakes back in the days of my dating different guys was when I fell for them; I really didn’t know them at all. There was this part of me that felt you needed to have friends separate from lovers. I rarely had male friends growing up, and the ones I did have was more like family than friends. It wasn’t until I became older and living in Atlanta when I first experienced having male friends. Jennings and William are the only true best friends I have, especially gay best friends. We complement one another and our friendship has been strong enough to help us endure some very tragic moments in our lives. I lost my dad, mom, brother, and partner. I wasn’t alone because Jennings and William were right there to make sure I didn’t fall apart. The bond that we had before these incidents happened was already pretty strong, but after the crisis hit, it only grew stronger. William had several issues with his ex Mark and his father. William told us how his father was disrespectful to his wife and his kids. William’s story reminded me of my own father and how he was. That was one of the things that brought us close. William’s relationship with Mark was a lot like my relationship with Eugene. We both shared stories and were so amazed at how similar they were. Eventually Eugene passed and about a year later Mark passed. When Mark died, William had already moved on and found a man that he is currently with now. His name is Dante and I can see the happiness in William’s eyes. It is salvation from a path of pain. Chase was and is my saving grace, it felt so good to have that in common with William and not the horrible past we shared with our dysfunctional relationships. Jennings and I have known each other far longer than Jennings and William. Jennings and William met at Comcast where they both were employed. One day after he got off of work, Jennings told me that he wanted me to meet William. Eugene and I were having a dinner party at our townhome and I told Jennings that it would be nice to meet William. For several years Jennings and I have had some very memorable adventures or shall I say misadventures together. We started from jumping MARTA to get around to Jennings getting a car, Jennings moving away and coming back, Jennings dragging me to the mall to return items over and over again. When Williams entered the picture it was like he’d been in our lives already. There was no adjustment period, there was no uncertainty that he belonged in our crew, he fit and he brought so much to the friendship. Since I’ve known Jennings I can’t really say that he’s been truly in love. Jennings started out as this very green younger man that was very ambitious, very educated, well spoken, clean cut, and flirty. For the first 4 years of our friendship he barely said anything sexual or profane. Out of the two of us I was the experienced one when it came to sex and I was not shy to using a very well chosen verbal line to seal the end of a conversation. Jennings past relationships that I was a part of were lacking in the things a real relationship requires. The first time we met, Jennings was dating a guy named Ryan that lived in DC, that long distant relationship was on and off for the first 3 years of our friendship. I remember one night Jennings called me and he was crying so hard it was impossible to understand what he was saying. After he calmed his demeanor he explained that he and Ryan were no longer together. Jennings started dating and meeting different guys, it was always so entertaining when we hung out with these men that brought so much variety to our lives and a great story to be told. The nicknames that I am about to put down are our secret code for different people. If a date had something that stood out, we would label it with a pet name that could only be known to us. After Ryan it was Aretha Franklin, in that name is his real name. He was a nice younger guy that Jennings dated off and on for awhile, but it wasn’t serious. The next guy was Mile High, he was a flight attendant that always invited us over for dinner, he was a nice guy but again, Jennings wasn’t in love with him; he was just enjoying the social additives. After he was out of the picture we met the Catholic Boy Molester. I remember the night we went to his place. We’d been out all night going from club to club. I started getting sleepy and Jennings said he wanted me to accompany him to the Molester’s house. While nodding off I could hear Jennings saying, “Oh no...Uh Huh…No” I woke up and to my terror; Jennings was fighting to keep the car on the road. That night the roads iced up and we were driving over a bridge. Somehow Jennings lost control of the car and almost ran off of the bridge. After barely making it there in one piece, I was once again shocked that the guy Jennings was trying to fix me up with was not there. I was very bored, very irritated, and very horny. After sitting for about an hour, the guy that was supposed to be there for me walks in and tells him roommate, the Molester, that he just came from a sex party and he was very tired. I was so disgusted; I just curled up on the side of the couch and started nodding off again. While I was drifting in and out of sleep I heard Jennings, “Stop…No…Quit…Stop”, I raised my head to make sure he was all right and from the looks of it he was. The Molester was trying to feel him up right there on the couch with me. Needless to say, I was so ready to leave. Later on another roommate showed up and he looked like a murderer, which was the nickname I gave him, “The Murderer.” That night was a bust but it wasn’t without its comedic undertone. The most recent and the most difficult past relationships of Jennings were Monkey & Mama’s Boy. Monkey was a school teacher that Jennings had been back and forth with for years. I never met him until years later because they never could stay together. The first time I met Monkey I knew I didn’t like him. He was always so shady and it always seemed like he had something under his furry arms. After a long time of back and forth they decided to be a couple. That arrangement didn’t last long at all. When Jennings was with Monkey, he was always down, he was always frustrated, and he started acting out through drinking and getting up in people’s faces when we would go out to get a “Lenny Drink” which is our name for the drinks we got from one of our favorite spots, “Bull Dogs.” After about 5 years of nonsense it finally ended. Shortly after William was brought into the fold, Jennings dropped a bomb on us and said he was moving to Ohio for a job. Out of William and myself, I was use to him just getting up and leaving. Jennings was gone for about a year, almost two. When he called us to tell us he was moving back to Atlanta I was ecstatic. I missed my buddy terribly and my relationship with Eugene wasn’t doing great at all. William and I hung out every now and again but it was different not having Jennings there with us. After telling us the good news of his return, he dropped an additional bomb on us. Jennings stated that he was moving back to Atlanta and moving in with Monkey. Their relationship was rocky at best, which was why Jennings jumped on the chance to move away. Somehow Monkey convinced Jennings to move back to Atlanta and in with him. About 2 weeks before the relocation Jennings started getting different vibes from Monkey. Before moving back to Atlanta, Monkey was supposed to send Jennings a key to his house but no key ever arrived. Jennings followed through with the relocation and shortly after moving back they broke it off yet again. This rollercoaster relationship was off and on for 5 years until Jennings finally had enough and ended. The thing about Jennings is no matter the relationship, he will still keep in touch with them, he will attend parties they throw, and he will still acknowledge their birthdays and holidays. That side of Jennings I love, but I don’t admire and I don’t practice. I am a firm believer that once it’s over then it’s over. I can’t possibly imagine trying to be friends with a man that I couldn’t be in a relationship with. I know that it would just crush me to see him with another man, treating him better than he treated me. So to avoid flipping out on anyone, I’d prefer to say good-bye and keep it moving. One of the major reasons I hated the relationship between Jennings and Monkey was that it took Jennings out of his personality and made him into this time bomb that had no self control. Shortly after moving back Jennings just stopped talking to us. He ignored our texts, our calls, and our emails. I knew that what Monkey did to him was embarrassing and hurtful, but it took a toll on his friendships. For a while there I didn’t think we would be friends again. That was squashed because of a mutual friend of ours I call “Hips”. After that tortuous experience was over we jumped right back into the swing of things. Jennings started dating again; he connected with guys that he never really got to know well. There were successes in either one of his choices. Just when Williams and I started doubting that Jennings will ever open up to a man again, Mama’s boy appeared. In the beginning it was magic and the happiness was blissful. Eventually it all fell apart as Jennings got to know Mama’s boy more and more. He was lazy, he lacked class, he wasn’t trustworthy, he was a user, had no goals, had no ambitions, cried about his life like a little child, and not to mention he still stayed at home with his parents; he also shared a bedroom with his younger brother. Eventually that relationship fell apart and Jennings was back on the dating scene. Now he is with Brett and things are a little rocky. I gave Jennings some sound advice and told him to fight to make it work. I believe that for the first time ever, he has really had a taste of what a happy relationship could be. Hopefully this is the one for him and the lesson won’t come with a price of destroying his beliefs in love. The three of us are strong individuals that become even stronger when we are together. There is this kindred energy between us and it can’t be ignored. Together we become infectious to anyone around us. We draw people into our circle and they are always fascinated by how we are alike and at the same time all so different. Jennings appeals to my intellect, my outspokenness, my determination, my search for knowledge, and my logical mindset. William appeals to my emotions, my sensitivity, and my dreams for stardom, my ability to write and make music from my heart, my wild side, and the side of me that always leaves a man wondering and wanting me. Hanging together we have rubbed off on one another and we’ve influenced each other. I can’t imagine my life without them. I live in Augusta now and it feels like I am across the globe. If I don’t miss anything else about Atlanta, I miss my friends. They were helpful in orchestrating my heart to be fit to fall in love again. It was their love for me that allowed me to let my walls down for love and I fond Chase exactly in the time I felt I was comfortable without love and a relationship, but I wanted to experience dating since I never really got a taste of it. Chase and I are very close friends. I finally understand why being friends as well as lovers is important to keep a healthy relationship. There are days when we just sit and talk about our day. We can both watch a show and guess what is about to happen. When we’re together it seems like the world is gone until we wake the next morning to start our work day. We talk all day with one another but it stills makes me feel a little sad and anxious because texting and talking on the phone is nothing compared to smelling him, touching him, hearing him, and looking at him. After a lot of setbacks, obstacles, misfortunes, beauty, laughter, tears, and joy; we are now on this level in our lives where we feel each other spiritually. He knows me very well and there are moments when I want to say something, do something, ask for something, or go somewhere and he’ll either say it first, offer to do exactly what I wanted to mention, get up and get what I was thinking of, or tell me to get dressed and then tell me that we are going exactly where I wanted to go. It is amazing how people can connect on such an amazing level. His love for me is the fuel I need to survive. I think about how my life would have ended up if he never walked into it. We acknowledge how much we love one another in so many different ways. Our measures to express our feelings are always so romantic and so special. Your lover cannot just be your lover. You need an established friendship in order to have those moments when you can let your hair down and talk about things that you wouldn’t normally talk to your partner about. If you can take of the relationship title from time to time just to talk freely without filtering your words, your thoughts, or your feelings. If your security is intact then there shouldn’t be this darkness between you. The fear that you are going to be cheated on, back stabbed, lied to, or left abandoned wouldn’t exist if you both gave each other that part of you that allows them to be 100% themselves. I learned early on that being open, free, expressive, loving, understanding, compassionate, upfront, outspoken, and endearing makes for a great relationship and a great source of guidance for one another. So if you hear someone tell you that they aren’t friends with their mate, then I would bet all I owned that their happiness isn’t what it is cracked up to be. If you can’t find that balance, that even thought and respect for each other, then the pressure to trying to be perfect will only damper what could have been a more fulfilling relationship.