How I Became Me Chapter 27

In any relationship there is going to be give and take. We tend to fall in line with what we feel describes us. The issue that I have come to loathe is being pigeon holed in a label that doesn’t fit me at all. When I was young and first experiencing the world of homosexuality you were put into three categories, Top, Bottom or Versatile, people that could do both were the most desired because being totally top or bottom limits the chances of an exciting sex life. For a long time I didn’t run into any issues with me being totally bottom until I got into my mid twenties. All of a sudden the dynamic of relationships changed. People started saying how they didn’t want someone that was totally bottom or totally top. I started dating guys that assumed I was a top because my mannerism displayed aggression, dominance, and far from being passive. The stereotype was loud and proud but made dating people so hard. To be just looked at and marked without actually getting to know the person leaves you out there with no idea of the possibilities. Eugene and I had a very to the point relationship. Aside from Eugene being gay, to look at him you would not know that he was into men. Eugene loved to drink beer, Eugene loved sports, and Eugene didn’t really concern his self with fashion (Until he met me). When he and I would hang out at clubs or around other gay people they automatically labeled me the bottom and Eugene the top. Though they were not wrong, the fact that you could come to a conclusion without knowing the facts is what frustrated me. Meeting Chase that issue never entered into our relationship. I can remember our first conversation and while we spoke we never once mentioned what we liked sexually, what role we fit in, and if were into this or into that. Our relationship was being built on who we were as people and not who we were in the bedroom. That first encounter between us was so heated and passionate. It just appeared that we had been together longer than just a week. Chase knew every part of me that excited me; he knew exactly how to make me feel good. For so long I was seen as a sexual possession and I adopted that mindset. I used sex as power but never realized that I was selling myself short and only giving men my body but then being frustrated that my mind was never admired. Early on Chase would always look at me and say, “I cannot believe those guys didn’t see how special you are. I just can’t understand why they wouldn’t do anything they could to keep you” Hearing that from him on a regular bases increased my confidence. I felt that he saw me for all that I was and all I could be. Even when we are not face to face I can feel him looking at me in a pleased vision. For the first time in a very long time I knew what it was to be loved and appreciated. That explained reverting from adult to high school. I felt like I was in love for the very first time. The best experience in a relationship is when all of the blinders are off. When you are with one another and you see who truly is in front of you, then the possibility of a strong and positive relationship is more obtainable. To learn how to appreciate yourself you must first learn to accept that you have flaws and that you are a work in progress. In the moments where it seemed that Chase wasn’t getting the concept of the relationship I became more of a teacher and less of a partner. I couldn’t understand the medium ground to actually work through the issues together. After so many years of never being seen for doing great things, being praised for always trying my best, I suddenly found myself in a relationship with someone that wasn’t aware of their short comings. Being right wasn’t always the best attitude to have when you are trying to build a loving relationship. I made Chase’s mistakes more apparent than the things he did wonderfully. It is one thing to make your partner aware that they need to work on certain aspects of the relationship and you will be there to see them through, but there is another thing entirely when you constantly beat them up for dropping the ball on occasions. Without realizing it, I was becoming my family and Chase was seen as me. We had so much in common but it wasn’t viewable because my eyes were cloaked by my past. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be loved, and I wanted to be honored, but I just didn’t know how to ask for it and I didn’t recognize when it was being given to me. After so many trials in our relationship we came to understand those important factors that, in the past, were overlooked or totally ignored. I actually started to welcome the blemishes in our relationship because together we both could repair them. A real partnership is about being equals and not accepting such a difference in percentage of contribution to the relationship. There are always areas that we fall short on but where I need him to lift me up, he is right there, and when he needs it from me, he doesn’t even need to mention it. The relationship between Chase and his family was truly inspiring when it came to me making a decision to separate myself from my own. Taking a break from stress it something that people seem to only associate with your job or career. The most important part of maintaining a balance is to know when a certain portion of your personal life requires your attention and to know when to lock up the other for a while. Chase and I have different approaches in life and in dealing with things. I am more outspoken and face to face; Chase chooses to figure out a way to dissolve conflict all together. The other side of our strengths also has weakness. When you are outspoken and face to face with your situation, at times you can talk too much and miss important points in dealing with things. When you are face to face with issues you can concentrate so heavily on making the situation aware that you aren’t backing down that you miss where you need to let go and show your vulnerability. Having someone that stays out of conflict or tries to bury it all together only makes their life difficult. If you never stand up to things that may turn into conflict, you never will experience what differences may do to enrich your life. Conflict gets a bad rap all the time. When people associate conflict between people they miss out on the benefits of conflict. Conflict is designed to understand that not everyone will agree with you, not everyone will be on your side, and not everyone will want what you want or need what you need. Running from conflict becomes a way of life and before you know it you are many years older, not settled, and you are still running. Being together we balance one another out. Where I am too strong Chase becomes the mediator and where Chase is too passive and I the enforcer. Our personalities blend us into one powerful person. This experience I have with Chase has taught me the value in the word, “Partnership”. I understand how it applies to your relationship and how that relationship is the backbone of your confidence and strength. You know that you are never alone because your other half has you left, right, front, and back. When you feel your opinion isn’t being heard you know you have your partner at home that will give you the ear, give you the attention, and then give you advice on how to proceed. Being in a large family isn’t what people expect it to be. For many years of my youth I never knew who I was. I could never figure out my own place in the world. Growing up with no self identification can cause you to make choices that have been set in motion by people before you. Once I realized that I had to branch out and discover me, I became determined to conquer anything that came my way. I pushed myself to be the best at whatever I do. When I learned to dance I made it a part of me that no one could compare to. When it came to me writing I reached deep within me to create a story that no one could copy from or take credit for. When it came to singing I knew that I could be different and I knew that my ability to create songs as simple as just writing my name would stand out more than someone that could just sing or just write. Before I knew it I was the strongest I’d ever imagined. I was the one everyone came to. I was the one with all of the answers to every single question. When someone was stumped on anything the first person that was called was me. The only drawback to my master plan was I never got seen as someone that needed anyone. I appeared so together and so strong that no one knew how to be there for me. I seemed to know so much so there was no one that felt they could reach me intellectually. As I admitted before, it was a hell of my own making. I made my life more difficult by trying to make my life simpler. I wanted to be seen so badly that I all I got was seen but never really heard. The fight for independence at times can come at a cost to your future. When you build yourself up to a pedestal that eventually becomes too high to come down from and impossible for others to follow makes you more alone than you felt when you were being compared to everyone else. Chase became the person that taught me the values of loving yourself and owning who you are. I was more vocal with my approach but Chase showed me with action. Building up someone you love should never feel like you are losing something. Giving yourself to someone, though scary, is important because once you can show strength and vulnerability, you can have the best of both worlds. Marry Chase was amazing and a dream come true. My biggest dream as a child was to find a man that would love me and protect me. I wanted to be a father and to live out my life in the world that we created. I saw a lot of violence growing up and I have been introduced to what it means to be betrayed the very people you trust most. The future ahead of me could have easily taken a turn that would have thrown me off course for the rest of my life. Some of my past decisions are parts I choose not to relive but I do, however, like to reach back in the memory bank to pull the lesson of it all. My relationship with Chase is my saving grace. He didn’t realize it then but he now knows that I would not be here if it weren’t for his love. Most people put their partners out on display saying how perfect they are and how perfect the relationship is. Those people are the ones that tend to have it the hardest because no one can live to a standard of perfect. Perfect does not exist and once you accept that you can still see the hero in your partner and the greatness in the relationship. Losing my father, my brother, my mother, and then my partner sent me into the darkest pit I could have ever imagined. I used what was around me to numb the pain I felt. It was painful to breath, it was impossible not to feel guilty when I had a moment of happiness. To me, the pain was what I had to hold on to because it I let that go I would be letting go the love that was from my loved ones. I stopped caring about things that mattered most to me. I use to be so optimistic and suddenly doom and gloom was more acceptable than happiness and fortune. Drinking was a source of blocking out what was happening. Dating guys left and right allowed me a chance to live another life. With them I could be anyone I wanted to be. I could be sexy, funny, independent, self sufficient, and in no way vulnerable. I had men at my every beck and call, but deep inside I knew it was all a lie. I knew that I was damaged and what does every damaged person do? Damaged people seek out other damaged people and created a relationship that is destined to fail. I no longer felt special because the people that saw that I was were no longer there. I had no one to call when something great happened to me because the people that allowed me to shine were no longer there. At our wedding my vows represented that part of my life. Chase truly was a savior to a lost soul. I had no idea if the next morning would be greeted with a sad person or a lifeless vessel. Suicide has never been a thought or an escape from tragedy, but just allowing pain to engulf me and take me was welcomed. I thought that since my life was horrible, then maybe that is how I should live. Just because everyone was trying to tell me things were going to be fine didn’t mean that they were actually going to be. I started hating the looks, the sympathetic sighs and hugs. I did not want to hear anyone telling me that my loved ones were in a better place. I felt my heart becoming cold and my spirit growing weaker and weaker by the day. I was told to talk to a professional about grief in order to establish clarity to it all. I met with a psychotherapist for 2 visits and it didn’t move me from the dark path I was headed. I was sent to a therapist though my insurance that seemed to help a little but didn’t quite get me back on track. The therapist prescribed me some sleep aide medication that seemed to calm the beast inside. Eventually they stopped working and I was once again lying on my back looking up at the ceiling and wondering why I was still here. In my most painful moment I dropped to my knees and I cried out for God to save me or take me. I knew I couldn’t hang on anymore and I had no one in my corner anymore. Who knew that my cry of defeat would have reached across the state to Macon GA and touch the life and the heart of a man that was feeling the same defeat. Loosing so much that you have worked for to someone that only wants to see you fall is as painful as loosing people you loved to death. Grieving is still required for divorced couples. Yes those people are still alive and well, but the relationship has died and you must mourn it and allow the time to heal your heart so that you can love again. The beginning of our relationship I’d buried my pain so deeply that I convinced myself that I was over it. I actually thought that the death of my loved ones was no longer an issue for me. I walked around like I was a survivor from a major tragedy but all I merely did was bury it. Something that most people may have encountered or will encounter in time is things buried never stay buried. They may not come out the way they were put in, but they have a sure way of presenting themselves in your life which is only painted with happiness but to its core, it can be the blackest of holes. Chase truly was a knight in shining armor. He swooped into my life with his eyes, his hands, and his heart wide opened. We face many dark times together. I finally broke free from the lie that was acceptance of my tragedy. I have tapped into a part of me that I never knew existed. I have become stronger than I could have ever imagined and that is due to the fact that I was given a second chance of life and Chase was my second chance of happiness. The separation from my family allowed me the time to see my life and see what needed my attention. If it were not for me making that difficult but necessary decision there is a strong possibility that I would have lost my love and life with Chase. “A strong man is a man that admits that he isn’t always strong. A man that can stand up and admit I need…is a man that will always come out of any situation stronger than he entered it. A strong man never runs from life, instead he faces life, gives it all he has, and if things don’t work out as plan he just merely wipes the experience off of his shoulders but places it in his memory as a source of strength when he is ready to try again. Giving up isn’t strength and it isn’t weakness. Giving up is a choice and the only part that makes it strong or weak is once you decide to give up…do you regret your decision?”