How I Became Me Chapter 33

In any relationship, communication is the key to a successful relationship. When we choose not to listen or convey ourselves accurately, we leave what we have said or what we have not said to interpretation. If you walk away from a conversation feeling like you haven’t fully explained what you wanted, then chances are the person you talked to feels the same way. If you do this often, people will write you off as someone that can’t express their feelings truthfully and accurately. Your reputation as a person is built on how you carry yourself, how you handle situations, and how you communicate with those around you. I have had several experiences where I explained myself very directly and very precise, just to have the person I spoke to confused or not really tuned in when we were talking. My relationship with Eugene was horrible when it came to communication. I would tell him something and he allowed me to walk away without telling me he didn’t understand, didn’t agree, or could comprehend what I wanted. One example was about the studio drama when he involved my brother and cousin because he chose not to trust me but my information to him was pretty simple and there wasn’t room for doubt or misunderstanding. Though there were several moments like this, one stands out the most because as usual it involved my family. It was a Friday and I was getting furniture from a friend of the family named Walter. I got rid of all of my old furniture when Dennis and I moved into our new apartment. At this time it was just Dennis and myself, money was coming in, my maturity about paying bills and being responsible was getting to a place where I started budgeting and making smarter choices. The issue with Eugene on the studio was long past and I wanted us to move away from that moment and learn from the mistakes made on his part. This day started off as they all did. Eugene got up before me and went to work; I then got up about an hour later and headed to work myself. When I made it to work I would page Eugene or leave him a message. While on my lunch break I got a call from Jake’s boyfriend Reggie. Reggie told me that Walter was moving and he wanted to sell me his entire bedroom set. It was perfect for me because I’d gotten rid of my old furniture and I was in desperate need of some more. I only had a mattress and my clothes were all stuffed in my closet. So I told Reggie to let Walker know I could come by that night to give him the $100 he quoted for an entire bedroom set. He was selling me a TV stand, bed frame, base and head board, dresser, cd racks, and two lamps. That was more than I was expecting but for the price I couldn’t turn it down. After hanging up with Reggie I sent Eugene a page to have him call me back so I could explain to him what I wanted to do after work. This particular night we were going to hang out with Jake and Reggie at their house for dinner, but I wanted to get the furniture before that so I could get my room together before Saturday. I got this personality trait from my Mom where I couldn’t rest until all boxes were unpacked and everything was placed where I wanted it to be. If I didn’t do it I couldn’t sleep and it would completely mess me up until I took care of it. So planning to do it before dinner was perfect for me and by the time I came back home all I had to do was get in bed. After about an hour Eugene called me at work to find out what was going on. Me: “Hey E, I just found out that Walter has a bedroom set he needs to get rid of and he’s selling it to me for $100.” Eugene: “Damn that’s good; he really looked out for you on that one. So when are you getting it from him?” Me: “We have dinner plans with Jake and Reggie, so I wanted to run to Walter’s place before we go to their house for dinner. That way I can get things in order and be set for the weekend.” Eugene: “Yeah I know how you do…you won’t relax until you decorate the room and you won’t let me lift a finger to help.” Me: “Well it’s what I do and you love it so stop tripping. Ok, this is what I want to do…When you pick me up from work I want to stop by an ATM to get the money, I want to meet with Walter to get the furniture, head back to the house, put everything up, and then head to Jake and Reggie’s place. The only issue I just thought about was we are going to need a truck…your Camaro is way too small to take all of that furniture. Damn! Let me call Reggie back to see if he can help me out.” Eugene: “Ok, let me know what he tells you.” After hanging up with Eugene I called Reggie back at his shop to see if he could help me get the furniture. To my luck Reggie said he could borrow his co-worker’s truck and ride to Walter’s place with me to get the furniture. That helped settle the biggest issue and so I decide to page Eugene to explain the plan change. After about 20 minutes Eugene called me back. Me: “Hey, so Reggie can get a co-worker’s truck to help me get the furniture. So I am going to get off at 5, head on down to the train station, go to Reggie’s salon and then he’ll take me to Walter’s place, I’ll pay him and get the furniture, then call you once I’m at Jake’s and Reggie’s place. Reggie said that his co-worker has his car and will stop by to pick up his truck. Eugene: “Ok that’s cool. I need to stop by my mom’s place before I head over there anyway.” Me: “Ok that’s good; I’ll page you when I’m headed over to their place so you can meet me there. After dinner we can go and pick up some movies for this weekend. Love you. Eugene: “Cool, love you to.” After hanging up I felt so excited. Things were falling into place, I was getting my room how I wanted with the furniture I needed, Eugene and I were doing better in our relationship, and Eugene was becoming closer to my brother Jake and his love Reggie. I’ve always wanted to have another couple to hang out with and now we have them. We do things just about every weekend and we always have so much fun together. At 5 o’clock I headed on out of the building and ran to the 5 Points Train Station. It took me about 30 minutes to make it to Reggie’s hair salon. Once I got there I sent Eugene a page to tell him I was waiting on Reggie to finish his last client and I would page him again once we leave. About 2 hours later we were headed out and I page Eugene to let him know we were on our way to Walter’s house. I told him that I would page him once I got there and once I’m done and heading home to do my room. Once I got home it didn’t take me no more than 30 minutes to get my room how I wanted, I had in my mind the set up and where everything was going. I paged Eugene after I finished my room and told him I was headed over to Jake and Reggie’s place. While on our way Reggie got a call from Jake. At first I thought that they were having an argument but once I started hearing Jake’s voice more clearer I heard him say Eugene’s name a few times. While holding the phone to his ear Reggie turned to me and asked me, “Did you tell Eugene to go our place an hour ago?” I was stunned because I know for sure that I told Eugene to wait until I paged him to let him know I was on my way. I shook my head and told Reggie no and Reggie commented that he remembered what I told Eugene. I didn’t think much of it, I just assumed that once we got there he would be cool since he was there hanging with Jake. On the ride to their house Reggie and I talked about the issues in my relationship with Eugene. Me: “Man it is like talking to a child. I can tell him something in such detail but he processes it and fucks it all to hell. It is so annoying for a grown man not to comprehend when someone is talking to him. I want to enjoy myself tonight so we won’t discuss it.” Reggie: “I notice that. It’s like he has a problem trusting you when you are very open and honest with him. I have seen you tell him something and then minutes later I see you frustrated because he didn’t do what you asked or he totally forgets what you told him. It’s just communication problems and maybe he’ll get better the longer you are together.” Me: “I hope so because I am so tired of having to explain myself over and over again. He catches an attitude when he is wrong but doesn’t recognize that I try my best to work with him and get an understanding between us.” When we got to Reggie and Jake’s we walked in and instantly I saw Jake’s face and he was pissed. Jake: “What is Eugene’s fucking problem? I almost beat his fat ass for disrespecting my brother.” I saw Jake’s eyes and I could tell he was overly heated. I felt angry and at the same time embarrassed because this seemed to be a regular occurrence for Eugene to cause an issue in front of my family. It’s hard to defend someone when they make a total ass of themselves. Reggie: “What happened?” Jake: “After you called me when you left the salon I heard a knock on the door. I was just getting home and getting the food together. When I went to the door it was Eugene. The way he was looking scared me because I thought he was about to tell me something happened to my baby. He walked in and was angry talking a lot of shit about how you always tell him something and do the opposite. He said that you always run around and keep things from him. I told him that you were headed over to Walter’s to get the furniture and you would be headed back here once you dropped it off. He started asking who Walter was and were you really with Reggie or not? I got pissed and told him to take his fat ass out of my house before I beat his ass. He walked out and I called Reggie to see if you were all right.” I stood there motionless and pissed to high hot hell. I cannot believe that we are going through something so silly over something so simple. I cannot understand for the life of me why it is so difficult for him to take in information and process it like a normal person. I put together that he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the case from the fact that he was pushed through school due to his sports career. I knew that he lacked common sense from some of the stuff I’d noticed when dealing with him. Now I saw that the biggest issue we had was him not trusting me at all. I could deal with a lot of things that come with being in a relationship but if you can’t trust me then you need to leave me the hell alone. I paged him while Jake was cooking and Reggie was walking outside to hand his friend the keys to his truck. Eugene didn’t call back so I assumed he was with his mom and just didn’t want to talk to me since he’s built his self up on nonsense. The thing I was raised to see was if someone you are in a relationship is constantly accusing you of not being trustworthy then chances are they are the ones with trust issues and they are trying to cover up their dirt by making you look like the villain. About an hour later there was a knock on the door. I answered it because I was closest and when I peeped though the peep hole I could tell it was Eugene. As soon as I opened the door he started popping off on me. Eugene: “Where in the fuck did you go tonight? You weren’t with Reggie. Who is Walter and why didn’t you let me take you to his place?” Me; “First of all you need to step the fuck out of my face and take your ignorant ass outside because you are not welcome in my brother’s house talking shit to me like you are.” Eugene: “You…” Me: “Shut the hell up and listen for a damn change. I explained to you exactly what I was doing. I paged you constantly and you knew damn well that I was getting the furniture; you knew I was with Reggie and you know who the fuck Walter is because we’ve gone out with him several times. I am so tired of you accusing me of being shady and sneaky. It’s obvious your low down ass is doing some dirt and you keep trying to make everyone believe it’s me. You can take your tired ass home and stay the hell away from me.” As I went to close the door I could see in his face that he felt stupid and he knew that he was dead wrong for acting out the way he was. As I walked away from the door I heard him knocking again. I opened the door and stood there waiting to see what he was going to say next. Eugene: “I’m sorry…I just got worried about you…” Me: “Bullshit! We’re done here.” Eugene: “So you are breaking up with me?” Me: “Wow! So you figured that one out all on your own.” Eugene: “Can I have my jacket back?” Me: “Here you go.” I threw his jacket to him and closed the door. For the rest of the night I laughed and dined with Jake and Reggie. After dealing with years of messy encounters such as those I decided that I would not change the way I communicate but I have matured so my approach is less attitude and more to the point of the matter. Chase has and had an issue with communication. When we sit to talk there are moments where I’m the only one expressing myself and he sits there with not much to say in return or to share anything that may have been a similar occurrence in his life. I have had several conversations with him about the lack of communication between us and his response is basically the same, “I’m working on it.” Over the years it has changed but there are still moments when the lack of communication creates things that should not be if both parties involved received the same message. Chase has his moments now when he expresses his self and it is so much better than how it was in the beginning. Chase is the type of person that is more concerned about your feelings, your well-being, but he holds his own story inside. I have said to him time and time again that he only hurts his self and it limits his interaction when you aren’t allowing people a chance to see inside of him. Most of our issues came from that very problem. When you are in a relationship with an extrovert that expresses his self constantly and in many ways, it can be overwhelming when you are the opposite. There are moments when he does open up but he falls into that same place where he holds his feelings in. Knowing that I wasn’t going anywhere and we were staying together I decided that maybe a different approach would make him feel more inclined to open up without feeling pressed to do so. We now have a form of humor that allows us the chance to get things off of our chest and when we have those deep moments of conversation we feel comfortable and the conversation does balance both ways. I still communicate more than he does but the level he is on from where we started has only strengthened our relationship and has shown him that our world is together and we are one another’s protectors, confidantes, ears, shoulders, and support system. We have been together almost 3 years and it is so easy to read one another. We both can tell when the other is holding something in, when we aren’t sharing what we really want to share, and when we are trying to be guarded because we don’t want to come off the wrong way towards one another. When you take the time to communicate in a way the works in your relationship, outside of that you are good to go because no matter how the world reacts to your expression, there is that one person that knows where you are coming from and will always be there in your corner. Once you get to the point in a relationship where someone tells you the other person said this or that and you can decipher that it did not come from your partner’s lips, you are connected and that connection can never be broken by outside forces surrounding your relationship. Your home is your castle, you serenity, and your place of total freedom and peace. The moment the connection with your partner has been created, and then home truly feels like home and no matter what happens in the world you are protected by a love greater than time. The key to happiness is adapting to your surroundings and having a solid understanding of what’s going on. If you want someone to take you seriously, to support you more, to understand your feelings, then you need to learn communication in order for anyone to give you those things that you value and require; you must do the work as well.