How I Became Me Chapter 32

Third Component: Respect It is often said that you cannot be respected if you don’t respect yourself. Growing up in South Carolina and then migrating to Atlanta I experienced a culture shock in the way people lived. I was always use to the surroundings never changing, seeing people that I’ve known my entire life. Coming into a place much bigger, faster, and full of different walks of life you can get lost in the flow of things. As a child I had this bright and bubbly person just wanting to come out but I was rarely around people that shared that same enthusiasm. That was until I met Meerah and Melvina. When I was younger I became a part of the group named by my little brother Arnold. Young Image brought me one step closer to being who I was inside. My shyness was strong and it was a long process to get out of my own way. The icing on the cake was who I became around Meerah and Melvina. I remembered the first time I saw them, they were practicing dance moves and instantly I was drawn to them. I was shy and it was difficult for me to approach anyone, but after watching them for about an hour or so, something in me pushed me towards them and before I knew it I was asking them, “Can I dance with you guys?” It was an instant connection and we became tight that first night we met. Every day after school and on through the night we practiced. We were watched by our neighbors and then other people would come to Cushman Arms Apartments to see us perform. I felt like a local celebrity and the shyness that held me back for so long seemed to disappear. Years went by and we lost touch. I moved to Atlanta but never forgot them. Now that I am back in the south I have reconnected with them and it was as if we only were apart from each other less than a year. It didn’t dawn on us until we started talking that we haven’t been together for 20 years. It is truly a full circle moment. In the beginning of my dating years I was unsure of the approach when it came to dating. I tampered with different ways of trying to connect. It was never me to walk up to a guy and ask him for his name and number or even as him to dance. For the most part I would be approached and it became so regular that I never spoke to a man unless he approached me. I started to get a reputation of being stuck up and difficult, but that was so far from the truth. Even when Rick and I were out together people would say the same thing about him. To us it was just how we hung out, we had no intentions of blowing people off, and we damn sure didn’t feel we were better than anyone else. Having respect for your self was very important to me and Rick was very strong on being respectful of others and expecting respect in return. At first I would objectify myself because of the high I got when guys would flirt with me. The attention was intoxicating and I was addicted to it. I wasn’t use to have guys openly walking up to me and flirting with me. In Aiken, the limited amount of men I knew were into guys were so deep in the closet they got stuck. This experience in Atlanta was truly a new world to me and I was not really prepared for what was to come. It wasn’t visible, the level of disrespect I received until the night when I met Roger. Roger was a guy that I noticed every time I went to the club. At first it was just sharing the occasional eye contact, then one night I was on the dance floor and he walked up to me and started dancing on me. It never came to my attention that it was more than just club flirting; I never saw anything more to it than that. I knew I wanted more from a man but I was still new to the scene. I remember one Saturday night Rick and I were going to meet one another at “The Palace”. Rick was leaving a friend’s house and I was coming from my side of town. We got to the club and as always, we were greeted by the employees that knew us. We were given our free drinks; we sat at the bar downstairs and talked with our regular crew. After a moment of conversation we decided to go upstairs where they played the dance music. As soon as we got upstairs I was pulled by my arm to the dance floor. It happened so fast I didn’t notice who pulled me. When I got on the dance floor I noticed it was Roger. I don’t know if it was because Rick was with me or maybe because I only had one drink, but I was very offended with how he just walked up to me and pulled me to the dance floor. He started grinding on me and really getting overly sexual which was not the norm for us. I could feel Rick’s eyes on him and I could only imagine how much Rick wanted to hurt him for disrespecting his little brother. Before I could say a word Rick walked up to Roger and let him know how he felt by his actions. Rick: “First of all you don’t just walk up to my brother and pull him like he’s one of your play things. I don’t know who the hell you think you are but you better never let me see you do that again.” Needless to say Richard was pissed and everyone that knew my brother knew that he would rip anyone apart for messing with his baby brother. When I first experienced this side of Rick I was embarrassed but now that I’m older and I understand how dangerous it is in life and how stressful it can be to be so protective of someone you love, I just stand back and let him be my big brother. From that night on I would get people telling me the horrible lies Roger started to spread about me. He told people that I was a tease, that I invited him to my house and wouldn’t give it up to him. When I would meet guys at the club they would be noticeably apprehensive about approaching me. Until one night I couldn’t take the bullshit anymore. Rick and I were walking downstairs so we could talk to a few friends that came to the club that night and I saw Roger. When I passed him by I turned and noticed that he was pointing at me and whispering in the ear of a guy that was giving me the eye since I came in. I knew that Roger was yet again blocking me from meeting anyone so I decided to end the crap once and for all. Me: “Roger what in the fuck is wrong with you? First of all you can stop lying to everyone about us going home together because I never once invited your drunk and tired ass to my house. You were shamed by my brother and like the bitch you are, you want to start giving me a bad reputation. As far as everyone around this fucking club that wants to believe the words of a known drunk, I’m glad you did because you saved me the trouble of finding out that you were as sorry as his ass is.” When I turned I saw this glow in Rick’s eyes. I could tell that he was proud of me and he felt that he didn’t have to look out for my all that much. That night was the night I understood the importance of respect and what you portray to people. I was just so caught up in the attention I was getting that I overlooked the fact that just because you are attractive, you don’t need to sell yourself short just for the attention and you should never allow yourself to be objectified by people. I spent so many years wanting to be different and wanting to stand out from other people that I missed the most important part of what that meant. From that night on my confidence and self respect were heightened and I knew what it meant to live either up to your reputation or to shatter a reputation created by people that want to break you down. My relationship with Chase has never experienced that need to remind one another to respect each other. Chase had to be shown that he deserved more respect. Throughout his entire life he lived by the design of other people and not once did he realize what he really wanted out of his own life. He was and is very devoted to his children, his family, and his community. That attribute has been the beacon of solace for him through the years. Even though you feel that you are doing your best to be the best you, there are still times when you sell yourself short. When Chase’s sexuality was exposed by his ex he suffered through a lot and it took its toll on him mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Because of his guilt he allowed his children to disrespect him, he let everyone take a piece of him and he did nothing to redeem his respect. I saw the toll and I felt the pain, but it angered me how he allowed his self to be placed on the bull’s eye when the marriage ended not by just his hands, but by the hands of his ex as well. I was ticked off on the response from his children and their lack of respect for the man that raised them, the man that sacrificed for them, the man that made the home they were being horrible to him in, and not to mention the cars that are being driven back and forth by them. I allowed Chase his moment to take it all in but I was not about to allow the destruction of a man’s life happen right before my eyes. The last straw for me was when he told me one of his sons’s said they hated me and when he tried to defend me they told him not to and he said he wasn’t. Once I heard that I went through the roof. Me: “Look I know this is hard for you but that is bullshit! You let your children disrespect me and they don’t even know me. You are their father and you are allowing them to curse at you and disrespect you and its fine that they do it because you feel guilty. Enough is enough! If you aren’t strong enough to stand up for yourself and then to teach your children respect for other adults, I would rather you leave and go back to Macon.” It was a harsh approach but I knew that if I fed into his weakness and sadness he wouldn’t pull his self back up and take back the control of his life that everyone was working together to destroy. I understood that his children were hurt but not child disrespects their parent in that way. I understood his ex was bitter but for her to allow the children to go on a rampage were totally ridiculous and I was not allowing that negative energy to enter our relationship and our home. The journey to get where we were together, the search after so many years of tragedy and pain, the hopelessness I survived, I just couldn’t imagine not standing strong and protecting him, not only from them but from his self. He was beating his self up for his past and not looking at the fact that he is out of that secret life and things may seem dark right now but it will get better. I wanted him to find his strength on his own so that he could take charge of his life and rebuild with what has been placed on the table for all involved. I knew that once he saw his way through this path he would come back on top, wiser, stronger, and more determined to live happier. That approach was a success, it took a while but eventually the relationships changed. Chased found his strength, he found his voice; he demanded and got his respect back. Once the secrets were revealed he learned that he had more people in his corner than he realized. For so long he was afraid of people knowing who he was and once they all found out, his friends stood strong and proud, ready to support him through what was going to be a difficult but necessary transition. Though there are several different means of respect, the most important one is self respect. Once you discover your respect, the rest of the world will either submit to it or be pushed away by it. When you have unwavering respect for yourself no one can push you down and no one can stand toe to toe with you because that strength you carry is powerful and cannot be measured by the simplicity of life and the many minor challenges that you may face. Since that moment was presented to our relationship we have built a foundation supported by the meaning of respect and what it means for everyone else to understand that just because your opinion is given, that doesn’t mean it will change who we are. Our relationship is strongest when both of us understand who we are, what we can do, and what we represent. We are both adults but we still look out for one another. Rick taught me early on that you can still be a hero to someone in your life and a hero doesn’t have to be a burden when you understand the truth and meaning behind that. The relationships from his past and the relationships in his present have grown into family and the ones that should never have been in his life has fallen as all weak connections do in time. The inner happiness Chase feels wasn’t given to him by me, by his parents, by his siblings, by his kids, and definitely not by his ex. The inner strength Chase feels comes from him and no one can or will take that away from him.