How I Became Me Chapter 26

Me: “I love this apartment. It feels like we live in New York. I love the way they have it set up. Finally we got our own place again.” Chase: “I know. I am just so glad to be out of Aiken. I can’t believe how everything happened. We did s much for her and to see her turn against us like that is just so shocking to me. I saw Peggy changing and I wasn’t surprised when she showed out, but Tammy seemed to be more positive and I thought your relationship with her was stronger.” Me: “So did I. I thought after all we’ve been through there was growth in our relationship. Me and Tammy use to be thick as thieves and now it’s like I don’t even know her at all. The bright side to all of this is that we have a place to call home, I have a job, and we are going to be all right.” Chase: “Yes we are Sugar Bear. I want to focus on the positive and hopefully one day your family will come together and realize how important it is for you guys to stick together. Life is way too short and for all the loved ones you guys lost you would think they would know that better than most.” Me: “You something Chase…I can’t remember a time when we were really loving to one another. I spent my entire life trying to be in their lives. I was there for each and every one of them. I never expected them to take care of me. I wasn’t looking for hand outs; I just wanted a good relationship with my family. My mom made us promise that we would turn out like our father and his siblings. The difference between them and us is they use to fist fight and constantly hurt one another. The problem my family has is when something happens they blame everyone else and they never take accountability for their actions. They always want to play the victim and they never apologize for doing you wrong.” That first night in our new place felt like the time we spent in Savannah. It was like we were on an emotional vacation. The hurt caused us to feel pain but the possibility of a new start was far more powerful than the crap that we dealt with recently. It actually was a shock to me as. The night we moved in with Tammy we discussed everything we were planning. Tammy never agreed with an amount owed to her while we stayed with her. We actually had to keep asking her how much she would like us to give her monthly. Her response to me was always the same, “Just give me what you can” that was her response each and every time we offered her money. We seemed to be so happy, the arrangement was great, and though Chase wasn’t working he still made a routine for his self to stay occupied. Chase took care of the house, Chase made sure that my lunch was prepared, Chase cleaned, Chase cooked, and Chase was there for everyone in my family. The treatment I got from Chase was shared with Tammy. Tammy and Chase seemed to have become very tight and I was so happy about that. I worked long hours and by the time I get home it was late. The only time we had together as a couple was on my off days. Even though my schedule was the way it was we still found time to be with each other. Tammy bragged to everyone about how good we were when it came to helping her out. Tammy constantly complained how Pete, Maurice, and Arnold only came to her when they needed something. She said many times that she would let them drive her truck but they rarely gave her gas money, they never helped her out when it came to fixing the truck when it had problems, and how they loved coming over eating up her food and drinking up her alcohol. Chase and I felt that we were good buffers for that tension. Me being home felt like it was right and not just for me, but for our family. In my heart I felt that this was going to be the change we all needed. We had so much fun together and it seemed that we were bonding on a deeper level since we seemed to be respecting one another’s life. We wanted nothing more than for everyone to be happy. Chase cooked huge meals, he catered to everyone, and he even started calling my niece Rochelle over for dinner. Through the eyes of a spectator the relationship was great. Suddenly issues started happening between Chase and I. At some point we started having issues and it seemed like it just wouldn’t work its self out. Chase made the decision for us to move to Aiken, but because the job search didn’t seem to be getting any better he started reverting back to the way he was in Atlanta. We went from the happy couple to the happy partner and the partner that was lost and didn’t know what he wanted or where he wanted to be. Eventually the issues became too stressful for me and I asked Chase to make a decision on what he wanted to do. Chase chose the choice to move back to Macon. Instantly my heart broke and I went into a tantrum. There was this part of me that knew I was alone but I still held on to the hopes that my family actually had changed and we were going to band together and work towards a better. When things started falling apart with Chase it just seemed that no matter how great things are there is always room for negativity. The Chase left to go back to Macon was a very painful episode. Luckily for us we mended the fall out that happened earlier. Chase was missing family and I understood the way he felt. So instead of constantly fighting with each other we decided to compromise. Chase went back to Macon and was to stay for 2 to 3 weeks. That timeframe was discussed after he got there. In my mind I wasn’t sure that we may have reunited, but I didn’t want to allow doubt to enter into the equation. Shortly after he left things did seem to become better. Chase texted and called me constantly. That line, “Absence makes the heart grow founder” is so true. It seemed like Chase just left and here it is I’m picking him up from the bus station. The time apart was good for both of us. While Chase was gone I focused on working and taking care of myself. Chase being back in Macon was great for him because his relationships were being healed by the time they spent apart. I felt that the sacrifice to leave each other was huge simply because our relationship is the kind of relationship where life doesn’t feel the same when we aren’t around one another. I actually felt withdrawals from him not being with me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus, and I was sad all of the time. I tried to hide it but as I said before, Chase can read my eyes easily. Eventually we got back on track and then that’s when all hell broke loose. Apparently Tammy was complaining about Chase and me living with her from the moment we walked through the door. I have said it hundreds of times, if you want to know what’s going on go ask Pete. I have called Pete on many occasions a woman based on how he loved to gossip and tell peoples business to any open ears he could find. Pete even was let go from a job because he told several employees about a girl that worked with him. He informed everyone that he saw her at a strip club. The gossip got to his boss and he was let go. Pete and Tammy have the most volatile relationship, but at the same time it is a dependent relationship. They can be the best of sibling and in an instant they can become enemies. When they are angry with one another they tell on each other. Things that they shared on a good occasion would become public knowledge when they were on the outs. One night after Chase and I made the decision that we should move out because we saw what was happening around us. It went from a joyous living arrangement to “Flowers in the Attic”. It seemed that no matter what we did, Tammy was not happy. We went from give me what you can to paying half the rent and half the bills. Tammy had people in her home constantly. She even had friends practically staying with her yet she tried to shake us for money. The talking behind our back to the tension in the home became way too much. One Sunday while Chase was at church the inevitable blow between Tammy and me came to a head. While I was on the phone with Pete I told him that Tammy and I were no longer speaking. She jumped out of her bed and came to the bedroom door and started yelling and screaming at me. Pete was on the phone asking what is her problem was. I told him that she just flipped because she heard me say we weren’t talking. The argument was very unnecessary but not totally unexpected. Tammy allowed things to build up until it exploded in a time where an argument was even necessary. While we went back and forth Chase came home from church and walked in the middle of a verbal between us. After things calmed down we decided it was time to leave. That following week we started house hunting and then we came across an apartment that we both fell in love with. Within days we were moved, I was closer to my job, and we were able to have peace in our lives again. I knew that the last fall out was the last fall out. I no longer could imagine putting my life in such a dysfunctional environment and truly remain happy. Chase and I were able to spend time together with no distractions from outside forces. We started realizing the parts of our relationship we neglected and never truly ironed out. The arguments were reintroduced, the splitting up came again. Chase moved back to Macon after a heated argument. Eventually we finally had the conversation we both needed and it brought out deep fears, insecurities, and broken hopes. The underlining message was that we still loved one another and that was strong enough to fight whatever we faced here on out. We looked back on the moment we met and the moment we were presently in. No matter how bad things got we found a way to still get love out of the darkest moments. We have experienced trust being broken, we have experienced trying to move on with other guys, and we had moments of arguments that escalated to us not speaking to each other at all. It was a battle but after living a life battling so many people that were my family I realized that I never really gave my spouse the love and the attention I gave others. I have been hurt so many times by my family but I never gave up on them, even when I knew they were being fake towards me I convinced myself that they were actually being sincere. I can reach back to my childhood and not once have I ever let my family down when they needed me. When Eugene died the only people that were by my side was Peggy and Hoyte, as soon as I fell in love with Chase that relationship died. It seemed that my family is never happy when I am in love. Everyone in my life seemed to want me for themselves but still had no idea how to treat me with the respect I gave them. One of the issues Peggy had was how Chase constantly catered to me. When Tammy was have her breakdown ever other sentence had to do with how Chase catered to me. I finally realized that she just can’t focus without a man being around her. The sight of my relationship under her roof was more than she could handle. Thinking that once we moved out and decided to move on with our lives we would be safe from the negativity it went in a different extreme. One night while driving the U-Haul truck back to the site I got a call from Jake. Jake told me that Tammy said I was abusing sleeping pills and alcohol. If that lie wasn’t bad enough, she accused Chase of supplying and supporting my apparent drug and alcohol use. As silly as we found that lie I could still see the hurt in Chase’s eyes that after all he did for her she could change on him and lie on him in such a way that it changes your perception of people. I was so drained from getting my heart broken, from being lied on, for being used, for being overlooked, and for always being expected but never respected. I made the biggest decision I could have ever made. I told Chase that I no longer would engage in a life with my family. Once that decision was made our lives changed. We had one last fall out between us, then Chase moved back home. After being gone for several weeks he decided to come back. As soon as he came back doors started opening for us. Chase found a great job, I got promoted to another department, and we were blessed to find a place that we both loved and could afford. We fell into the happiness that at one point seemed so far away. In any relationship there is always work to be done. The benefit of all we dealt with was that we could use those moments to our advantage. We decided to start talking to one another more. Not just the little conversations about the day, what’s on television or little stories here and there, we started to have very deep heart to heart conversations. The point of that was to keep each other aware of what was going on. At times you can be so caught up with your own mess that you are locking the person you should turn to in those times out. Safe to say our decision would bare great fruit. After a long story of so much pain, betrayal, agony, and struggle the future that we craved for seemed to be closer than either one of us imagined.