How I Became Me Chapter 22

On my way to work and my brain was just so full of things to come, things I was planning, the excitement of what was to be, and just being able to breath for a change without being hit with more tragedy. My conversation with Chase has been deep from the start and it’s still growing and getting deeper. I was still so amazed at how quickly he opened up to me and how quickly we connected. I must admit when I first got there I was nervous because I wasn’t sure if the connection would be as strong as it was over the phone. Back in the days of my dating years I would have the deepest conversations, the most entertaining experiences with men but as soon as we are face to face it was dead silence, lack luster jokes, and just overall boring conversation. I had several experiences like that so when I first walked through the door I was hoping that we could peel off the band aide sooner than later to see if we were as compatible as I felt we were. The crazy thing about all of these emotions I started feeling when I first saw him in person was the fact that we had already started ending our conversations with, “I love you.” I remember the night it came from me. I was at work and we were sending each other messages back and forth. I remember ending each statement with, “I love that about you.” The conversation went on and got deeper and by the end of the conversation I asked him would it be weird if I told him I loved him. He quickly responded and said he was feeling the same way but just didn’t know if he should have said it or not. We were both nervous but the conversation turned into his life story. Once he started sharing things with me that were painful and hard to make it through I saw that wall evaporate. I remember making the mood more relaxing by crossing my legs, placing my hand under my chin and saying to Chase, “I’m Oprah…talk to me.” I can still see that shine in his eyes and that smile that captured my heart immediately. It was at that moment we knew that we were in love. It wasn’t necessarily said but the feelings were genuinely and raw. On my to his house he’d called me and asked what I liked to eat and drink. When I got there he’d cooked me some baked chicken, rice, and vegetables. He poured me a glass of juice and when I tasted it I realized that it was the white grape juice I told him I loved. I was so hungry and the food was so good but I couldn’t tear it up like I wanted to. For some reason I felt I needed to eat cute and not show him how I can dissect a bone to the marrow. I noticed that his demeanor was very laid back as well as mine so we both were guilty of trying to act different than how we really were. After I’d unbraided his hair he asked me if I wanted to lie down because of the driving straight from school. Before I knew it we were cuddled watching television. It felt like I’d been with him before. His arm felt like memory foam sculpting to the curvature of my head. It was as if I’d laid there before and it felt like we’d done this entire day before. I was no longer nervous, I wasn’t unsure of anything, and the fear of things not working out disappeared. That Sunday morning was so difficult but I knew at that moment I was in love. I never looked back and I never tried to pull away. I felt that I was ready for this new chapter and I knew his story was just unfolding. I prepared myself emotionally for what I knew was ahead for him. He wasn’t divorced yet, the break up was still fresh, the kids were a huge factor, not to mention his other family and his devotion to his church. Just what I learned about him in the short amount of time we started dating was he loved very hard, he was very indecisive of his future because of how fast he grew up. Right out of high school he was married and having children. His family background was heavily in the church and homosexuality was a big no. I could feel his frustrations when it came to figuring out who you were. He never got the chance to experiment with his life because he followed how he was raised and went the direction paved out for him. That was the biggest difference between us. I knew I was different, though I tried a few times to see if I could have gone all the way with women. There was no doubt that I had nothing in me that could satisfy a woman. I did want children and I loved kids so much. I knew that it would impossible to meet a woman that would have a child for me to raise alone. I still remember when I was 10 years old and my mom asked me when was I going to bring her some grand children? My response to her question was, “If I find a woman that will have my baby and then let me raise it on my own.” I could see from her expression that she knew I was different from her other boys. The other part of his life that made me so certain that he and I were meant to be together was his kids. I went through the adoption process a few times with Eugene. When asked how many children I wanted, what age and sex, I told the social worker that I wanted four kids. I said I wanted three boys and one girl. I also told her that I wanted the girl to be the youngest so that the brothers would be protective of her. When I met Chase and he told me he had four kids I was like…”Wow.” Then the kicker was when he showed me their pictures and I saw that he had the exact amount of kids I wanted and he had three older boys and his youngest is a girl. Right at that moment I knew that I was with the right man. It was the very next weekend since I left Chase’s place and this time he was coming to spend the weekend with me. I was so nervous and excited at the same time. We talked all day at work and once he got off of work he was getting on the road to come and spend the weekend with me. I was so excited that I couldn’t focus, my attention was elsewhere, and work was the last thing on my mind. I walked through the entire office telling everyone that Chase was coming to spend the weekend with me. Chase was well known at my job because I talked about him every day. Those that were closest to me knew how big this step was. I lost Eugene in July and here it is December and I was in love again. I totally didn’t see it coming. I told myself that I wanted to be with someone but at the same time I was terrified of opening up my heart to a man again. The fear of losing him was more than I could take. Though I wanted to be happy again I still had that grief lingering in my heart. I knew I couldn’t run from it so I tried my best to deal with it the best that I could. After talking the ears off of anyone that I found available I got the text from Chase saying he was leaving work. I went back to my office and started gushing out on how exciting this weekend was going to be. I had planned the weekend out when we discussed him coming. One of the things that I was nervous about was how would I feel having a man staying with me again. The Sleepy Jamaican really didn’t fill a spot so I didn’t count him when it came to be feeling a little nervous about this next step. All I pictured was how our relationship was escalating and where would we go from here. I imagined us living together, I imagined our routine as a couple, I thought about the special places we would share, the new memories we would make, the song or songs that would represent beautiful times in our relationship. With all of the men I had a relationship with I never saw past the present. I could never see me doing big things with them. The thought of having kids with them never entered my mind. While I was with Eugene I wanted us to be parents because I knew how great Eugene was with kids. I saw him being a great parent. Sitting in my office it was like someone had a projector showing me my future. I couldn’t explain it but it felt like Chase was the missing piece to the puzzle that was my life. It was like this void existed until I met him and everything that kept me unsure finally made sense. I knew that I was born to love him because I couldn’t imagine life before him. It was so new and so strong that I couldn’t find any reason to allow those dark feelings that still existed out. I knew that this transition was happening and it was happening because I allowed myself the chance for happiness. I felt I deserved it and I worked so hard at loving people but not really loving me. The biggest lesson I started to understand was I couldn’t hate those guys before. I gave out this energy of desperation and uncertainty. To get upset because they served the very purpose they were placed in my life for was ridiculous. I went back in my mind and started eliminating those ill feelings that I harbored towards them, I went online and deleted the journal posts I put on my page. The only way I could truly be ready for Chase was if I was ready to be me. My confidence in being an open homosexual was stronger than Chase’s but being able to see where I fit in with friends, family, and the community was something I never really got versed in understanding. I was what everyone expected me to be. I did what I felt I needed to for those that I felt needed me. I became the door mat for people that took me for granted but I didn’t complain because it just felt good to be needed. Chase called me and told me he was close to my apartment. I rushed home to greet him and get him comfortable. He arrived earlier than I expected and I had to go back to work. I was racing on pure excitement and adrenaline. I gave him a huge hug and kiss. He looked so handsome and smelled so great that my body started tempting me to stay and not go back to work. I told him to get comfortable and that I would be back later. Once I arrived back at work Angel told me to take my ass home and be with Chase. I was so happy to hear her say that. I knew I couldn’t have done anything feeling the way I was feeling. I rushed back home and we just sat, talked, cuddled, kissed, made out, and then we made love. The passion between us was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. When I had sex with other men it was all about temptation, seduction, being sensual and trying to turn them out because to me that was my ability. It was like a sense of control and I enjoyed having that power over their minds and they bodies. The difference I felt with Chase was that love was actually being made. I didn’t feel comfortable doing the things I did before. I felt that the connection of our bodies was more spiritual than sexual. At points during our love making it felt like I was inside of his mind, it was like I saw his life and felt all of his emotions. From that very moment we connected and I knew him more than I’d known any other man before. We sat up and talked afterwards and I told him everything I felt towards him, about his wife, about his kids, about his friends finding out he’s gay, about his family knowing, about how his life will not fall apart once they found out. I saw the vulnerability in him and my heart grew bigger for him. I couldn’t imagine hurting him, lying to him, making life difficult for him. I knew he was placed in my life to be loved, supported, guided, exposed to what life really is being a gay men that is confident, strong, loving, and powerful. Together I saw nothing difficult we couldn’t face together. For the first time in my life I am feeling worthy of someone wanting me. I felt that he saw through everything in my life and recognized that lost child that never really got the attention from the rest of his family. He instantly saw the connection I had with my brother Rick and my mom. I didn’t want to share those dark moments with him because I felt he needed to handle his own personal obstacles. It is said that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. If you want to make God smile, ask him to lead you to where you need to be. I asked God for happiness in the darkest part of my existence and he sent me Chase. I knew at this moment in my life I was ready to face whatever the world had to throw my way. I finally found a partner in life, love, and living. Saying “I love you” to Chase wasn’t only for him, it was for me. As time would show him, he was sent to me for a greater reason than he could have ever imagined.