How I Became Me Chapter 26

Since I can remember family has always come first to me. Throughout my life I have cut friends off in order to remain available for my family. As I am much older and wiser I have come to a conclusion. Just because you share blood and a past with someone it doesn’t mean you will always have them in your life and the relationship won’t always go as planned or hoped. I felt that I was chosen to be the peace maker, the go to guy in my family. The problem with that role is you are never appreciated, respected, understood, and giving the same of what you give out. I use to go through extremes with my feelings towards my family. I would miss them, I would need them, I would get frustrated by them, and I would not want them around me. For far too long I never took a moment to think of just me because I felt that would be seen as selfishness. My friendships and my relationships paid the price for that ongoing debate in my head. After the death of Eugene I realized exactly why our relationship was so rocky. He and I shared the exact same vice growing up. We both felt it was our responsibility to sacrifice for people that felt no need to return the favor. We took out our pain on one another because we were secretly fighting ourselves. By us sharing the same flaws we say one another as ourselves so the attack never stopped. The blessing from my last moments with Eugene was that he got it. He truly understood where he needed to work on his self and he understood that distance was best for me until the family realized how important it was for them to band together and not fall apart. The idea was a great idea but like all ideas you can implement them without the assistance of all involved. Since I’ve been with Chase those demons tried to surface and cause the same issue. I had this fear of not being available for my family and trying to juggle relationships with them and still be there for Chase took a lot out of me mentally and emotionally. The ironic part of the entire ordeal was Chase fell in the same category as I did. Being a people pleaser always leaves you being shorted out of what is due you. You look over your benefit at the cost of benefiting others. You take a backseat to your own success to support other people and their dreams. Your entire existence is shaded into the background painted by you but painted for them. It is a hell of your own making yet you are not able to critique the finished product because once it’s done you are already working on another project for another person. In the beginning of our relationship Chase held so much inside. Chase would go along with whatever sounded good and whatever kept us from having a disagreement. He had become so engrossed in trying to make us happy that he forgot how it felt to be really happy. It’s not real if you aren’t being yourself. It isn’t healthy if you are not aware that you lack the attention on your own life. Decisions were made in the hopes that the other person was happy no matter the cost to you. Chase learned that over and over again. I started realizing that I was a victim of something more than just the tragedies I experienced. I never truly allowed myself a chance to grieve because everyone else around me needed to be uplifted and supported. Chase and I became victimized by our past we started throwing what we were building away. The bickering, the disagreements, the false sense of self protection became so fiery that we couldn’t see what we’d built and what made us so strong together. Chase was still hurting from his family and the church, I was still grieving and trying to be someone I knew I could no longer be. Chase and I split up a few times and each time it seemed that we were not meant for one another. The thought that a relationship of this magnitude was being destroyed because we both couldn’t get out of our own way was so ridiculous. Though we both loved one another we just couldn’t figure out why the relationship suddenly became a burden and a painful sore in our lives after surviving so many obstacles. I could feel Chase still feeling torn by the cry of his children, the faith of his upbringing, the demands of his job, and the fear of disappointing me. At that time of our rockiest moments I was still so lost to what was happening with me. If you do not deal with extreme feelings they have a funny way of creeping into your life and making you feel that you are all right and the truth is you are the cause of so much going wrong. My vision was tampered, my heart was heavy, my mind was consumed, my emotions were unstable, but I still thought I had together because that was what I did all my life. I had no time to grieve because I was needed by so many but supported by so few. That child that thought family came first was taking over the man that has witnessed just how crippling that belief is. Talking to other people I was told that family should never be cut out of your life. I was told that I should focus on my family and that my relationship with Chase was secondary and didn’t require the same attention. After the issues started surfacing between Chase and me, those whispers in my ear became vision in my path. I started believing that Chase was only hurting me, he didn’t love me like I loved him, he was only with me because he couldn’t face the life he left behind, and we could never make it because of these things. The more my heart darkened the less happy my relationship seemed. The more Chase was thrown in a torturous tug of war between his left before me and his life with me he lost more and more of his self. It used to be that we couldn’t be in the house together unless we were under one another. When things started falling apart we retreated to what we used to comfort us. I started falling deeper into my writing, my video games, my movies, and that need to sit in total darkness and stranded abandon. Chase started reading his bible more, he started throwing his self into his cooking but not putting the same passion into it as he once did. Chase and I could be in the same room but if not for our peripheral view it would appear that we were sitting alone in a dark room. When everything turned to its darkest we decided that since I was no longer working and I was still suffering from the grief I’d avoided, it was time to make a huge change. We decided to move to Aiken so that we could start over and having my family around me, we figured it would heal the hurt still lingering in my heart. The idea that Chase would make such a huge decision opened my eyes to the possibility that he and I were meant to be together. Those voices in my ear couldn’t persuade me otherwise. He was suffering from almost no communication with his children and here he is thinking about my wellbeing over his own. The decision came fast and the move even faster. The first night we arrived at Tammy’s home the weight of Atlanta started to fall off of our shoulders. The idea we had was that we would stay with Tammy until we both were employed and then we would branch out on our own, save out money, and move back to Atlanta. Chase was told by Pete that a position was open for him and he could get a job with him once we moved. After a while of waiting, the job that was offered to Chase never happened. The run around lasted for several months and the thought that we moved to Aiken to start over and one of the main reasons for us moving was a job secured for Chase and it didn’t come through was a serious blow to our plans. On the other side of that disappointment there was a shimmer of hope for us. Asking around to see where we could go to start looking for jobs lead us to Kelly Services which was advised to us by Arnold. The day we went to fill out an application and drop off our resume, the employee that met with us told us we were overqualified but she would still put our resumes on file. The day we went to Kelly Services was on a Wednesday and the night I found out that I was chosen to come in for an interview was that following Friday. Chase and I were at the Laundromat washing clothes when I found out I was scheduled to come in for an interview that next day. Tammy’s house did not have internet access so I had to take our laptop with me at the Laundromat. One of the Kelly agents sent me a link to take an assessment in Microsoft Word and Excel. As I took the test I could feel my nerves getting the best of me. It was almost two years since I worked and to actually be back in the job market meant everything to not just me but to our survival in Aiken. The next day I got up, got dressed, and Chase drove me to my interview. Once I got in the building I was asked to wait in their break room. While sitting and trying not to come off too nervous I noticed the surrounds. The people seemed fun, they seemed nice, and it would a total change from being a manager with all the stresses that came with that responsibility. I was looking forward to having team mates, equal team mates where I could establish friendships and dive into my new life back in Aiken. After my interview which went well I was called by Kelly Services that I was offered the position. Unfortunately there was a major catch to this happy moment which seemed to be the bane of my existence. Apparently I should have been tested on data entry, customer service, Microsoft Word & Excel, reading and comprehension, a background check, and a drug screen. I was angry as hell at the way things were handled. “How can you send me on an interview, tell me I got the job, and then tell me I still had to test through your agency before I was actually hired?” The ride to the temp agency was both a frustrating and at the same time exciting experience. Once I walked into the office I was placed on a computer and handed a bunch of paperwork. To my surprise the tests were simple and a breeze to get through. The environment was very laid back and there were only two other people there with me taking their tests. Once I was told my scores were great I was handed the paperwork to fill out. I was scheduled to start work that following Monday, but before I started I had to get my drug screen. Needless to say everything worked out because I was hired. Though the stress of no job became the focus on finding Chase of job was still there, we finally had a moment to breath. Because Chase had left his previous job the right way, he was then able to get his compensation for years of performance. Once we got the money we started getting our lives in order. We bought a truck, we both the necessities we needed, and we also gave Tammy money to cover us being there. Shortly after things settled down my life at my new job became like a second home. I was so blessed to have met so many great people. My schedule was a dream. I worked Sunday thru Wednesday, and off Friday and Saturday. My team mates were just as humorous as I was and my manager was so down to earth and welcoming. I felt like I was hanging out with buddies instead of working in a call center. Our routine suddenly adapted to our new lives. Chase and I started date night again; we started traveling through South Carolina. I showed him places I had memories and it seemed to bond us closer. Just about every day there was a family member or friend that would stop by giving Chase the lowdown on my younger years. The experience brought us closer together and our relationship became what it was in the beginning. It seemed that we fell in love all over again. Happiness, however, has its price and we experienced that price in a major way. The ending results of this experience with divide and almost destroy our new found life together.