How I Became Me Chapter 23

“There’s only so many songs that I can sing to past the time, and I’m running out of things to do to get you off my mind…” -Long Distance By: Brandy That was the song I played constantly. Every time Chase left to go back to Macon my heart would break more and more. At first our plan was to have him come to me one weekend and I would go to him the other weekend. That arrangement didn’t last long at all. I made maybe 3 more trips after the first trip and then Chase started coming to me. We started hating the weekend visits so Chase started visiting during the week and then coming back on the weekend. Eventually Chase started leaving my place and driving to Macon to get to work. Every time he left and it would be a few days before he would return I would keep a t shirt on his side of the bed so that I could smell his scent. I was falling deeper and deeper in love with this man and my heart felt like it was beating almost out of my chest every single time I got a call, a text or an email from him. When the visits started becoming further and further apart we decided to get web cameras so that we could talk during the night. It made things worse because as soon as he came on the screen I wanted to be able to kiss him, hug him, smell him, and feel his arms around me. He started my heart beating again. He caused my dreams to change from nightmares to fairytales. It was amazing how I felt talking to him. Having this new found love in my life made me feel like this was the first time I’d ever falling in love. Not to take away the past relationships before him, but this relationship felt like it was meant to be. There was always something deeper for us to explore between one another. Every time we made love my body felt like it was being renewed and discovered for the first time. We had such a strong chemistry between and I couldn’t get enough of his presence. The future plans of our relationship started flashing through my mind more and more. I felt like I was actually a physic because our lives played through my mind like watching a love story. I could see us living together; I could see our families expanded and coming together. I saw his kids becoming a part of my life and that missing feeling I grew up with was filled with them. Chase was the missing piece; he filled the voids in my past, present, and future. My heart was healing with every “I love you”, every hug, every sound of his heart beat, every “I miss you.” The things in my life that were burdens or negative started becoming more and more apparent to my eyes. Suddenly my job didn’t feel like my job anymore. People that I trusted became my enemies. People that I never thought I would have any bad blood between started causing me stress and pin. To take a quote from my mom, “I’ve been stabbed in the back so much; I can’t wear an open back dress.” The family dynamic changed more and more. I felt my family becoming more and more distant. I started realizing how unimportant my part in their lives was. I started to see that I was only important as long as I was needed for their purposes. The entire time I lived in the darkness of my pain I was loved and adored. As soon as I fell in love again I started being treated differently. The craziest thing for me was that everyone that met Chase told me how they approved and how wonderful he was. No matter who was around us they say how much in love we were. Pete even told me that he could see how good Chase was for me. That in its self was the most amazing statement because Pete was one of the ones that struggled with me being gay. I knew once he said that, he realized that I was still his brother and no matter who I loved I would always be. Chase started participating in every holiday, ever dinner, ever party, every gathering in my life. There was a point where our happy relationship was almost destroyed. It was in January and Chase had to leave to attend his mother’s birthday. While on the road he found out some very disturbing news. I remember sitting with Peggy and Hoyte when I got the call. Chase: “Hey baby…” Me: “Hey, what’s wrong with you? You sound upset. Chase: “I just hung up with my mom. She told me that my kids were at her house telling her that I was gay and that I left them because of you.” I could hear the fear, the panic, and the sadness in his voice. We’d discussed how he should approach his family with him being gay. We decided that he would take his kids all together and talk with them so that they heard it from his lips and no one else’s. Me: “How did they know? Do you think Lucy told them?” Chase: “That’s who told them, and then they came to Ma’s house and told her. Ma just called me and said she needed to talk to me. I told her I was on my way to her house now. There was not consoling him at that point. I couldn’t imagine having my world explode the way his was. The saddest thing about the entire ordeal was he planned on telling his family but his ex decided to do it on her own. I was so angry and helpless at the same time. The moment I heard the hurt in his voice I became defensive and determined to protect him. It was such an awkward emotion because I couldn’t imagine having to defend him from his own family. I felt so lost and unsure of how to handle this. Chase: I’m here now…I’ll call you later once I finish talking to my family. I love you.” Me: “I love you to. I’ll be home so please call me as soon as you can.” The rest of the evening was a total bust. I couldn’t enjoy dinner with Peggy and Hoyte because all I thought about was Chase and him being there alone with no one to back him up. I never experienced something like that and on that magnitude. My coming out wasn’t really a coming out. I honestly didn’t care what anyone thought about my sexuality. I’d spent so many years trying to understand why I was so different from my other brothers. I went through so many dark moments and painful discoveries. Once I accepted my life I couldn’t care less about anyone’s judgments or opinions. The journey of self discovery is difficult enough, to add what other people feel or think will only made it that much more difficult. After the dinner I went home and tried to do things around the house to distract me while I stressed over Chase. I didn’t know where this would take us. I wasn’t sure if he could actually come back to me with the fear of losing his children and I couldn’t imagine making him decide between the two. I loved him enough to let him go if that was what he felt he needed to do to fix his relationship with his family. I still felt so angry that he was cheated out of the opportunity to open up to his family on his own terms. The divorce is what set her in motion to destroy his life. She knew that Chase struggled with his sexuality yet she chose to stay with him. She made the choice to end their relationship. The October before we met she wanted him to move back in, but when he came back to move in she changed her mind. It seemed to me that she knew what she intended to do to him and she wasn’t going to stop until she broke him and made him as bitter as she was. I sensed that merely based on the conversation he and I had about her. Not once did he put her down or insult her in any way. It only angered me more because I knew she was dangling the children in front of him to hurt him. I knew early on how devoted he was as a father and how he would give up everything that meant anything to him for their happiness and well-being. To let him go for them would be the most admirable thing I could do. My broken heart would be nothing to his kid’s broken family. Finally my phone rang and I saw that it was Chase. I instantly started to fear the worse but I knew I had to be able to face it regardless of what was to come. I finally found love and it was possible that I was going to have it taken away from me. I wanted to remain strong and not just focus on my life. I didn’t want to appear selfish and unwilling to see things from his eyes. Then I started imagining that maybe he was sent to my life to save me from the dark road I was traveling. In that moment of clarity I asked God to help me save myself and then he sent me Chase. If that was what his purpose in my life was, I had to accept it for what it was and find a way to live after the storm. Me: “Are you all right?” Chase: …”My kids are angry with me. She told them a lot of negative things about me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose my kids; I don’t think I could handle that… Me: “I don’t want you to lose your kids either Chase. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I was put in your predicament.” Chase: …”But I don’t want to lose you both…I love you and you make me so happy…I just don’t know what to do… Chase was in a battle for his happiness and his sanctity. Either decision he made would take something he loved out of his life. He could stay with me and risk losing his children. He could work on his relationship with his children and lose me. No matter what he decided he was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t. I tried not to say much because the part of me that feared losing him was stronger than the part of me that was willing to let him go. The conversation was more tears than words but the emotions were stronger than ever. Never have I feared a decision more in my life. I wanted to be better than my feelings were portraying. I wanted to be stronger for him and for me. I had to think of the bigger picture though the picture being painted for us had only just begun. I felt my life changing, my heart breaking, my pride being fueled, and my ego shrinking. I finally realized that my happiness was being determined by Chase’s ex-wife and his children. Suddenly this power started to come from my abdomen and rise to my heart. I couldn’t lose him to something that I felt would work its self out eventually. I saw Chase as someone that has lived for everyone and not for his self. He dated a woman because if was expected, he got married because it was expected, he had children because he wanted to be a father but it was also expected, he was very into his church wearing several different hats because he loved church and was strong in his faith, but the church had dictated his life since he was brought to this world. I could no longer act like I was fine with what was unfolding. I knew that if I didn’t fight for him I would lose him as quick as I got him. I had to think about all of the people involved. Of course his family loved him unconditionally and this wouldn’t change that. His ex-wife was merely bitter but as soon as she finds a new man Chase will be history. His children were just that…children. No matter what their father did, he was still a great father to them and he loved them unconditionally. He was willing to live in misery just to make them feel better and that didn’t sit well with me. Before I had an extra moment to think my feelings released themselves. Me: “No! This is not going to happen like this. I understand what you are facing and I know you love your family, your kids, and your church but enough is enough. First of all your children don’t get to tell you how to be happy. Second, your ex decided to end the marriage and pretty much kicked you out. Third, your family loves you and they would never turn their backs on you. Your friends already know you’re gay and once you finally open up to them you will realize that you have more support around you than you realize. I’ll be damned if I let children tell me that I can’t be with you. You and I are meant to be together and I’m not giving you up without fighting for you first. I’m not going to hang up this call and wait for you to decide my fate and happiness. You and I are not breaking up. If anything, I will decide to leave you if I feel like this isn’t working. If you can’t stand up for you then maybe we shouldn’t be together. This only works if we are working together. So stop crying and start getting your kids in line. You can still allow them the transition and give them the time they need to accept the changes that are coming in their lives…but Chase if you don’t start living for you now, then when are you going to start living.” There was silence at first then Chase cleared his throat. After I said a mouth full I realized that I did what I never thought I would do. It wasn’t just for Chase I’m fighting, I’m fighting for me. I realized in that moment, Chase was me and he was approaching his life the way I approached my life all my life. I have let people make determinations for me and I just sat back and allowed it. I wasn’t just angry at Chase, I was pissed at myself. I got an epiphany during that spill of emotion and realized that I loved me too much to let someone that was good for me go. I loved Chase too much and I knew I was good for him. I was determined to be there for him and work right beside him. A relationship is also a partnership and it was time that we stood together and face what was to come in our future. Chase: “I love you…I am not going to lose you and I’m going to let this break us up. It’s going to be hard but I know that you are the one for me. We need to work together to stay together.” With that response I knew that Chase and I were working together for our happiness. We have just established a partnership that couldn’t be broken by anyone but us. There would be some major bumps and obstacles in our future but it was at this point where we actually created a relationship contract that would not and could not be broken.