How I Became Me Chapter 31

Second Component: Self Awareness Ok…I know several people may say, “I am very aware of my actions and my personality” but are you so sure that what you think is actually being displayed for others to see? Have you ever had someone tell you, “I’m not sure if you are aware how you talk to people, but I think I should bring it to your attention that you can be…?” I am very certain that most people, if not everyone, have experienced that before. The thing about being confronted on our personality is that we tend to jump to the defensive even if what is being told to us sounds true. The bottom line is, majority of us hate to be called out and hate to be considered wrong. Being in a relationship with someone you tend you pick up on things that they may not even notice. There are times when you feel that you are shocked by their disregard for your feelings. You start to think that this person you love doesn’t love you on the same level that you love them. You may start to wonder if your relationship isn’t as strong as you were lead to believe. You may even start to think that your partner must being dipping out of the relationship and treating you like dirt is their way of getting out of the relationship and keeping the adultery going. There are moments that those could be accurate, but speaking from my own relationship, it wasn’t so. Chase had this part of his personality that used to piss the holy hell out of me. I would be telling him a story and the entire time I’m telling him the story he is repeating the words I say or trying to finish my sentence before I started. He would also make responsive sounds behind every single word that left my lips which would frustrate me because it would interrupt the flow of my story. Chase also had this way of making me sorry that I wasted my excitement with him. I could be over the moon about something and when I told him his response would be, “Oh”, “Wow”, “Hmmm”, “Really”. That drove me up the wall and I would stop talking to him about certain things. The biggest problem that came to me after it went on for awhile was that I never called him out on it or made him aware that it frustrated me and kept me from wanting to share anything with him. I took it that he just didn’t care; I figured that he would rather me not talk to him about certain things. Mind you that this was not the case, it was me internalizing the issue without talking it out with Chase. This brings me to a past relationship I had with a guy that obviously didn’t realize what people saw and what he thought he was projecting. I had a night of total boredom and I didn’t feel like going to a club or calling up someone I dated because the guys that I kept on file were starting to irritate me. So I decided to get back on the chat line to see if there was someone new I could connect with. I was in serious need of some stimulating conversation and hopefully a very deep connection. For the first hour I browsed about 50 profiles until I ran across Ramundo. Hearing his profile really peaked my interests and I wanted to see if he was actually like that. So I sent him a message letting him know that I was interested in a conversation and immediately he responded giving me his number and saying how impressed he was with my profile. I wrote his number down, got off of the chat line, and called Ramundo up for a conversation. Ramundo: “Hello…” Me: “Hi, is this Ramundo?” Ramundo: “Yes it is…” Me: “Hi there, it is nice to meet you. I was really taken by your profile. I enjoyed hearing you talk about music, spirituality, creating friendship and then growing it into a relationship. I must admit I have been trying to find someone to connect with but I keep running into the same type of guys, the ones that have so many people in their lives that they can’t balance a mere date or have a simple phone conversation.” Ramundo: “I know exactly how you feel. I just moved here from Maryland and I only have a hand full of friends. My roommate Don said I should try the chat line because you can weed out the bullshit and connect to some good people. I just posted my profile last night and here I am talking to you and I must admit I am enjoying everything about you right now.” Me: “I am feeling the exact same way. So tell me a little more about you.” Ramundo: “Well I am an only child, my mother passed recently and that is why I moved to Atlanta. I needed a fresh start. I love all sorts of music so you can call me eclectic. I am not into organized religion but I do believe in a higher power so I label myself spiritual. I want to eventually open up my own furniture store specializing in very sleek and modern furniture. I want to meet a man that shares my similar interests and I also want kids, so how about you?” Me: “Wow…first of all I would like to share my deepest condolences for your loss. I cannot imagine my mother not being here. I know it sounds silly but my mother is my everything, so I can only imagine what you are going through. As far as me…I am number 9 of 10 kids, I was originally born and raised in Aiken South Carolina, I love singing, dancing, and writing. I also believe in spirituality and not organized religion. My future dream is to become a singer, writer, and actor. I want to be married and I want 4 kids and 2 dogs, an Alaskan Husky and a yorkie.” Ramundo: “I am even more impressed by you. I love the fact that you know what you want and the fact that you have so many ambitions. I know you may get this a lot but why are you single? How in the hell is it possible that no man has picked you up and locked you in his life?” Me: “I honestly don’t have a solid answer to that. I know I can be very picky and I am very strong willed so most guys that I thought were the one felt intimidated by my personality. I’ve learned that no matter what people fear in you, there has got to be confidence in you and the right man will see what you really are and understand that it will take work to establish a lifelong relationship. I just don’t want to settle for anyone just because I want to be in love. I really want the right man to learn and grow with. Our generation enjoys the variety and not the quality of other men.” Ramundo: “That is all too right and I must admit it is really sad. I haven’t been here long but I can tell that there is a different breed of gay men here. I have noticed that guys always present themselves as available for love but they still want to hold on to the men in their lives before getting seriously involved with someone.” Me: “I have noticed that as well. Guys are afraid to give up entirely to another man so they hold on to guys as a security blanket. To me that just screams you don’t have the confidence in you to understand that you should be number one in their life.” For the rest of the night we talked and got deeper and deeper with one another. We finally agreed to meet the next day and before we ended the call we both expressed our satisfaction with one another. The next day I went to work and had Ramundo on my mind the entire day. I was so excited to have connected with a man that seems to be cut from the same cloth as I was. I didn’t allow any doubts or ill feelings creep into my subconscious because once I do, I’ll start looking for flaws and pieces that don’t fit. The day did fly by and before I knew it I was on the train headed to the Kensington train station to meet Ramundo. It was very convenient for me since I lived across the street from the station. As I walked onto the platform I saw this handsome man sitting and reading a book. He was the only person at the station and I was hoping it was Ramundo. He had very neat and clean dreads, he was wearing a linen outfit and he was wearing sandals. I don’t really get into feet but I must admit he had very cute feet. As I approached him I was hit with a scent that would be described as heaven. From head to toe Ramundo was just a neat, sexy, and very eclectic man. Me: “Ramundo?” Ramundo: “Hey…I was so nervous when I got here but I started to read my book so my nerves wouldn’t get the best of me. I don’t get into looks but I did get a little worried that you were too good to be true. Now that I’m looking at you I can honestly say you are the total package.” Me: “Damn you are trying to make my head explode with these compliments but I do appreciate them and I must admit I felt the same way and now that I’m right in front of you I am no longer worried.” We talked at the train station for hours and before I realized it, the just flew by. After feeling overwhelmingly comfortable with Ramundo I invited him over. The walk was wonderful and we talked the entire time. It felt like the sun was out and the birds were chirping. I couldn’t explain it but he really touched me in a way that no man ever had. It was more of a connection spiritually than it was physical. When we got to my place I offered him a drink, he said he would like water so I made him a glass of ice water. For the rest of the night we talked and then fell asleep. That following Saturday morning we woke up and just lay together. Suddenly our eyes met and we started kissing. The kiss was so passionate and it melted my body into the bed. He wasn’t forcing his body on mine, he wasn’t rushing the kiss to get to the next step, he caressed my hair while he kissed me and it made me feel like my body was being worshipped. We made love and it felt as if our bodies were created to fit perfectly. I hadn’t been with a man physically for months and yet the pain that I expected was nonexistent. He melted inside of me and I felt the passionate tension of his love and my body gladly gripped every curvature. After we were finished we stayed silent and just held one another. I felt that my waiting for a good man was well worth this experience. If I never saw him again I would bask in the experience we both created here today. It is a moment that you don’t have often when dating and trying to find Mr. Right, but my instinct was correct and I followed my heart. From beginning to end we lasted about 7 months. Ramundo always shared that he didn’t hate feminine guys be he couldn’t stand to see a man act and talk like a woman. The funny thing about his extreme disliking of femininity was that he was more feminine than most men I’ve come across. In the beginning he was very laid back, his voice was bass filled and it made my ears tremble when he spoke, it went from that to being high, very ladylike, and he made very feminine gestures when he walked and moved. If he had to pick something up from the floor he would throw his hair towards to ground and lift it up as if he had hair like Rapunzel. I remembered sitting and watching him one Sunday morning and the more I paid attention to him, the more feminine he became. A little after that discovery he started ending every conversation with, “Child”, “Oh Girl”, “Honey”, I was lost in speech and felt myself detaching from him. Honestly it wasn’t that he was feminine, it was that he claimed to be disgusted by them, yet he was one. If that wasn’t bad enough, I found out that his name was not Ramundo Imani, it was Ray Woods. I was so thrown by everything about him. When certain friends came over he would queen out so bad that I couldn’t sit in the room with him. Needless to say, I ended the relationship and couldn’t bear to deal with him any longer. So when I realized that Chase’s personality started showing some parts that I disliked I felt I needed to let him know how I felt so at least he understood my reaction to him. After doing so I realized that Chase has spent most of his life hiding who he truly was and now that he didn’t need to hold that curtain over his sexuality, he didn’t know how to be any other way. Once I shared with him the things I didn’t like, he instantly started working on making our communication better, making it a point to let me know he was truly in the moment, and allowing me to express my feelings without interruption. There are still moments when he does it and then realizes it; the biggest part to me is that I no longer need to bring it to his attention. My awareness of how I spoke was the lesson Chase taught me. I was always in defense mode when he would address certain things about me that I held close. I didn’t realize it until he sat me down and explained to me that he feels uncomfortable expressing his disagreement because of how I reacted. I never thought I was a brat until he told me. Once we opened up to those flaws I saw exactly what he meant. When I wanted something really bad and I was able to get it, I would turn into the biggest baby. I would fold my arms, I would pout, I would become short with my conversation, and I would totally tune him out until he gave in to me wants. I have a history of being overly impulsive and not thinking through my actions. My financial history showed me that in spades. I remembered when I lived with Dennis, when rent was due I always came up short because I spent money on things I wanted right then and there. I didn’t and don’t do lay-a-way because I am overly impatient. If I put money for a purchase I want to walk out of the store with my product. Now that we are a lot stronger in our partnership, I see where I need to scale back my lavish taste and realize that a budget isn’t a form of control; it is the best approach at creating a future that has a strong foundation. This new found understanding has healed us both. Chase became complacent with paying bills because his ex-wife paid them. So when we became a couple he expected me to take her role. Knowing that I had an issue with impulsive spending I told Chase that it would be best that he handled our budget. Since we started that arrangement we are back on a financial footing that keeps our heads above water. Self Awareness is a very important key to growth. If you feel that you are one way but close off from people trying to tell you otherwise then chances are you will always fall short to your potential. Honesty is strong in any type of relationship. If you are in love with someone and they have your best interests at heart then hearing and listening to their positive criticisms will only strengthen you and your relationship. In our marriage, the differences that separate Chase and I are the very strengths that make our relationship impenetrable to outside forces trying to find a weak spot in our love. I value Chase’s opinion and I take to heart his feelings. I now see myself clearly and I make it a point to recognize those traits I possess that could hinder my growth and the growth of our marriage. I can truly say that Chase and I have a strong understand of whom we are and that conclusion came by way of our love and concern for one another. If you truly love and value someone you will open up to them and explain how what they do affects them and your relationship. Some personalities can be off putting if you don’t know the person intimately. Not everyone you are around will take what you say and do the same. The art of adaption is very important in maturing and going out into the world without support from our loved ones. Chase and I have established a line of communication that makes us more aware of our approach, our beliefs, our attitudes, our personality, and our confidence. We lift one another honestly and we do not feed one another what the other wants to hear. The saying, “Tell the truth and shame the devil” is a saying that we live by and it only makes us better people. The person that rescues you from you will be the person that always strengthens you with their love and support. The journey to clarity is an ongoing one. We live and learn all of our lives. School isn’t only in a building, it is life and it never ends by the ringing of a bell. Not every tool needed to survive in the world can be found in a book. The pressures we face daily will break us if we stand alone or refuse to listen to loved ones that know us best. So be very careful when saying, “I am aware of who I am” because that belief can break you when you realize that you never knew yourself at all.