How I Became Me Chapter 29

In all relationships there are several factors that make a great relationship, a workable relationship, a functional relationship, and a lukewarm relationship. Me personally, I would rather have a great relationship. Nothing in life is perfect but one can’t go wrong if you want to get it as close to perfect as possible. When I mention that to most people they automatically say, “That puts a lot of strain on a relationship when people try to be perfect”, my point to them is, “No one on earth is perfect, so if you are stressing yourself to be something that you will never be then you are missing the most valuable point of everything.” Perfection is an opinion at best. There are no perfect people, there are no perfect situations, and there are no perfect lives. When you set goals to achieve then you are on the road towards a greater life. The biggest issue that I’ve run into while dating was that majority of the guys I dated tried so hard to be something other than their selves. If you want people to validate you as a person, then the most important part of that expectation is for you to validate yourself. Confidence is built and not given to you. There are so many ways you can create a belief of your abilities, your attributes, your talents, your emotions, and the list goes on and on. There are never two people alike. Even twins who make look exactly identical will have parts of their personality that separates them from their twin. In a relationship you are entering a life with someone else with the idea that you both are bringing something to the table. The biggest ingredients to create and maintain a great relationship are honesty, self awareness, respect, communication, affection, attention, ambition, motivation, partnership, friendship, full disclosure, space, outside interests, and over all…the desire to be in a relationship. Now I don’t label myself a relationship expert but over the course of years I have noticed certain blends of personalities that make great relationships and then there are those relationships that leave you wondering, “What in the hell do they have going on?” I have witnessed what some might consider very dysfunctional relationships but when you looked deeper they are very much in love. The blending of lives can create something that most may not understand but it makes total sense to the ones involved. When I talk to couples about their relationships I always get fascinated with how they came to be together and how they manage to deal with one another especially when they both have very strong personalities. Chase and I have strong personalities but Chase is more laid back and not really the type to speak very strongly. As I mentioned before Chase chooses to avoid confrontation and I am the type that welcomes a challenge. When you have the right person in your life you tend to rub off on one another. That term has been mentioned to me very often and it wasn’t explanatory until my relationship with Chase grew to be exclusive. I see parts of my personality have changed since I have been with Chase. I use to be a very impulsive person and if I wanted something I had to have it when I wanted it or I would pout, complain, shut down, and just become a total “Male Bitch”. As time went on I started viewing my behavior through the eyes of Chase. I started putting myself in his shoes to see what he dealt with when it came to my strong personality. I started to self evaluate and understand that in a relationship you are no longer an individual. I must admit I hated hearing that but now I understand what it means and I am so happy that I took the necessary steps in changing who I was to become who I saw through his eyes. People can find it almost difficult to compromise who you are and especially when you come from a background similar to mine. I worked most of my life trying to be an original person and I didn’t want to be compared to anyone, I wanted to stand out, and I wanted people to notice me for me and not for what other people thought of me. So many years of me building myself up to become stronger, independent, self reliant, defiant, and unmovable in the face of adversity and authority I became unable to notice my behavior and what it did to other people. Most guys were scared off by it, most guys were put off by it, most guys loved it because they connected my personality to my sexuality and that sense of dominance was a turn on. Chase entered my life and in the beginning his skeletons were the obstacles we face in the beginning. Once things started to clear up for us, the other parts of our relationship that were being covered by outside forces became clearer and we were then able to focus on where we needed to work. I noticed that I carried myself as if I were alone. I used the words, I, mine, me, my, and the word us rarely left my lips. Chase would call me out when I addressed something as mine and not ours. In the beginning I would rub it off and act like it was something I couldn’t change. Deep inside, I didn’t want to give up the solo representation of my personality. Chase was very understanding, very patient, and very eager to break through those walls I’d placed around my heart. If you are not careful you can change and stay stuck in your ways. The saying goes that once you reach a certain age the way you turn out will be the way you stay for the rest of your life. In the beginning of my 30’s I did feel that message was true but then I realized that it took a process to be where I was and it would take a process to change. So if you are eager to be different and be more compromising with the one you love, then that process is a necessary process. In the beginning of our relationship Chase was rarely outspoken, joked a little here and there, was very reserved and to his self even when he was alone with me. As time went on he started to come out of his shell. He started realizing that life was too short not to be in the moment and not to only live moment for moment. The relationship between us became more leveled and balanced as friends and as partners in love. Some things that came from me were hard for him to take in and once he truly understood that words from someone that loves you should never be taken as hurtful unless that was their intention when they delivered you what they had to say. Our relationship is infectious to those around us because they can see where the playfulness is and where that strong love is. We now are like bookends in our relationship. The balance that we have created took a moment to create but now that it is there, we mirror one another. The saying that you become one with the one you love and the one you marry is more believable when you actually see if for yourself. As I mentioned before, I feared losing myself to a relationship and only being noticed as the partner of the man I was with. After so many years struggling to get my own identity it seemed that I was giving it away when I became someone’s partner in love. The transition is not an easy one because as most people are their worst critics, Virgos are extremely critical of themselves and even to the point when we are doing great in our lives we still feel that we can do better. When I create something I get praises on how wonderful it is but there is always this part of my personality telling me that it could have come out even better. It is a struggle that I face daily and when I met Chase I realized how similar we were when it came to that very problem. Chase always second guesses his work, his ideas, and though he is extremely confident, he still tries to be better than what he feels he is. Our journey to find love and to be at peace with life was hard in some respects but very necessary in others. Even though we are great for one another we still had to see it for ourselves. I was so focused on not repeating my past in my current relationship; I didn’t pay attention to the problems I brought into the relationship. Catching Chase on every slip up, every lie, every mistake, and every “Put it off until tomorrow” mindset, I didn’t realize that I was becoming difficult to be with. It was as if I praised myself for not being the screw up in the relationship for a change. It felt exhilarating to be able to walk away from a disagreement not being the one that caused the problem. I adopted the position of being teacher and counselor, but then was angry when that role was expected of me. I became so complicated and my emotions were so high and low that it was almost impossible for Chase to do anything without fearing he would be attacked by my constant judgment and criticisms. Chase was the type to just breeze through moments that would ordinarily make other people flip out of control. Chase thought that his approach was the best approach but what he did not realize was when he didn’t express his true feelings deception became his behavior. To avoid an argument or disagreement he would tell the story in a way that made it seem less of a problem and more like a little misunderstanding. Chase would never speak out on his honest feelings towards the relationship and all of the issues that were being placed before us. Chase felt that he made several mistakes in his first marriage and was fearful that if he started trying to speak out more it would end in divorce just like his marriage before me. There would be several sit down moments where I tried t get Chase to just open up and let go whatever he was holding in. Chase chose to hold every emotion but love in his heart because he feared destroying my life and causing me to be as bitter as his ex-wife became. Though Chase fixed his past relationship and his kids are back on track, he still feared being faced with ruining my life and leaving me broken because he didn’t do what he felt was right. We had many splits and moments where we felt space would be better for both of us. The only issue with that idea was once we were not around one another it hurt; our lives didn’t have joy because the joy we craved was created between the two of us. That constant need to be with each other made the space unbearable and so the idea never worked the way it should. As soon as it was too much to take we gave in and got back together without actually working on the reason we split in the first place. The very last time we spent apart was the last time. We both understood what it took to make it work because the walls were torn down and the realization that being together was better than trying to live apart. We understood that in order for us to become a strong couple we had to find a balance for the good and the bad. No matter how much time we spent away from each other the issues that stressed us still remained because we were living in the moment of the emotions built around missing each other and not on what made us upset with one another. Now we take our relationship step by step. We have found that middle ground and have learned to pull back and discuss our feelings towards one another. Being honest is not as difficult as people make it out to be. Though I tried to get Chase to understand when I told him the truth I wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings and he should know that because I loved him, I actually had to learn that same lesson. It hurt me more than I realized to be found wrong in my approach to certain incidents and my method of dealing with being frustrated. It truly is a formula to having a great relationship. It isn’t always noticeable to most, but for those that truly want and need their love to work and grow you must take the me and I out of the equation and start putting the us and we in the formula in order for there to be growth and understanding in the relationship. There isn’t a need to go to school to learn about relationships because not everyone fits in a category created by even the best minds of psychology. There will always be someone that seems to fit a profile, but there will actions that make the profile change, therefore making the label obsolete. No one wants to be pigeonholed and labeled so they try their best to show something different than what is expected. In truth that is what you should always strive for. No one wants to be compared to someone else. Of course there are those people that love it when they are compared to some sort of celebrity because it builds their self-esteem. The feeling is entirely different when the similarity if between them and someone known for making mistakes, someone that has a horrible personality, though the comparison is one that is good you still are labeled with the rest of that person’s traits even if not by others you do it to yourself. In this new found happiness that we have created together, we know now that there are some key points to have in our relationship. The moments of sitting down and opening up with each other has transformed our relationship to the escape from the outside world. The anger that would normally lead us to feel we needed to split is no longer existent. We now understand that running isn’t the answer and it solves nothing. Being present and in the moment is the only true way of isolating the problem, talking it out, and making a solution together. So the understanding that both Chase and myself have come to is we are responsible for the rise and fall of our relationship. We both are now willing and active participants in our journey together. Being honest about our strengths as well as our weakness has opened the truth of our vulnerability and our need for assistance every now and again. For the rest of this journey from my past, my present, my emotions, and my beliefs, I will explore the parts of our relationship that makes us great for one another. I will label a need and then explain how that need works in my life and in Chase’s life. This is all in the hopes that our experiences will open doors and understandings between people that may be experiencing similar problems. This list is needed ingredients to our happiness and our ongoing growth to become even better people and partners in love: Honesty, Self Awareness, Respect, Communication, Affection, Attention, Ambition, Motivation, Partnership, Friendship, Full Disclosure, Space, and Outside Interests; these are very important components to a great relationship and should never be overlooked or forgotten if you truly want to be happy and live happy with the one you have chosen to give your heart and your life to. The decision to giving up a huge chunk of your personal life to share with another is at times very difficult and terrifying. The key to any decision in life is to make sure you are taking the necessary time to look at what you are deciding to, when you are going to do it, and how important it is that you stick to it.