How I Became Me Chapter 41

Thirteenth Component: Outside Interests When it comes to having a fulfilling life you are mostly expected to have other things going on in your life other than a job, a place, family, friends, and a mate. I think that it has been the last 4 years of my life that I have started to realize that it is so important to have outside interests separate from your personal life. For several years I put a lot of the things I wanted to do on hold for several reasons. It really doesn’t matter what those reasons are because I made the choice to hold off from doing them. It really started to dawn on me when I would get certain statements from my friends and from Chase. They could tell that I was missing something, they saw in my eyes that I wanted so much more out of my life and I started becoming complacent. Right after Chase moved in I was laid off from my job of almost 9 years. Right before I met Chase I started dating, I started traveling, I started creating more stories, songs, movie ideas, etc. I began to branch out on my own in the search to find the inner me I haven’t felt in so very long. My pattern is always the same, I will start getting caught up in my hobbies and as soon as I get a distraction I start slowly drifting back to the robot that I’d been for several years. It stopped recently, I had to make a conscience decision to either just exist or make my presence known. I chose to make my presence known and I have not regretted that decision at all. I have the aspirations to live out my dreams of being a famous writer, singer, dancer, actor, and activist for LGBT rights. For so long I’ve seen the silliness accompanied by people’s idiotic notion that homosexuality just started and they have to band together to destroy it. The sad thing is our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters are a majority in so many functions of our nation. We are in politics, we are law enforcement, we are in entertainment, we are in religious organizations, and the list goes on and on. Being proud to be gay has made me a much stronger and more confident person. I saw what it meant to cover up your true being; I’ve seen how destructive it can be when you live a lie. My back story and Chase’s back story was so different in the ways of what we felt about who we truly were and what we would accept and what we would not allow. There is this soldier inside of Chase that I see all the time. When we first met, of course I was taken by his looks, by his voice, by his personality, and by how great of a man he truly is. However, that isn’t all that attached my future to his. I saw that he was stronger than he was willing to show. I saw that he would be an equal match to me and my way of thinking and living. Once he made it through his hurdle of being exposed, he fought hard to get his life back and he has been more than successful. Our relationship has its routine and for most people that would become mundane and boring. For us though, it is an amazing feeling to share the moments that we have with each other. We care about what we want and need in our lives. We share many of the same visions, but there are also parts of our personality that separates us. We both love singing, acting, and comedy. Most people never get to see that side of Chase because he is always so reserved around people. What I experience when we are alone can only be described as a world of wonder, excitement, laughter, and true love. We make our time together so worth the struggle it took to get where we are. Now that we are in this strong foundation we have discovered our individual needs and how important it is that we savor the moments we value. Speaking for myself, during the week I love certain shows, I love getting new movies, I love video games, I have an eclectic taste when it comes to music, I love to write, I love to sing, I love gadgets, and I love animals. Outside of my relationship I love to do things that feed my need to feel a part of the bigger picture. I love children and my dream to become a father is very strong and unrelenting. I enjoy exploring different cultures, I love sampling different foods, I explore different religions, I love sitting around very strong thinking people and exchange intellectual ideas, beliefs, aspirations, issues, opinions, facts, and whatever else pops into the circle. I am very outspoken, I am not the one to sit back and observe. I have a desire to speak my mind, share my feelings, and tell the truth to the best of my ability. It is this exact reason that I am unique and unlike anyone else on the face of this earth. As a child I strived to achieve that separation of similarity and to stand out as an original me that no one could label. I am forever changing and I always have something to add to the conversation. Open dialogue to me is like a drug. Sitting around people that will challenge one another with their opinions and their beliefs is like eating homemade pound cake, which is my favorite cake in the entire world. I love it when it’s cooked the right way. The crust outside of the cake is a little crunchy, flaky, and the color is that dark even brown. When you get into the cake it is so moist and delicious…but I digress…I lost my train of thought just then. Back on the subject…it is that attitude I project that made Chase fall in love with me. If you are truly confident in yourself it shows in how you carry yourself and how you represent you and the one you love. We have that understanding that we share everything and we respect that we have different interests outside of our marriage. This doesn’t mean I do things that cut him out of my life; this doesn’t mean that these outside interests take away from our home and our family. Having outside interests means that you still live for you even though you have a husband or wife. Your life will be filled with what you both introduce to one another. We often joke and say how much we love being a boring married couple. The truth is that we are the richest people we know because we value the simplicity of living and loving. We take heed to every little measure of happiness that is placed in our lives. We have different religious beliefs but that is also fine because we both agree in the higher power, we just don’t agree on how we should worship that higher power. I am a firm believer in having your personal relationship with GOD. I don’t believe in organized religion. There is nothing and no one that can convince me that GOD wants 10% of my gross wages. The idea that I am paying someone to tell me they are getting messages from on high just doesn’t sit well with me. I was raised in the church and I was told to believe these things. Now that I am an adult I have my own beliefs but I will not talk down to anyone that believes otherwise. When God blesses me with children I will leave their religious beliefs to them and I will support them fully on the direction their heart leads them. So every Sunday Chase gets up and goes to church. Having opposite opinions on religion doesn’t change our relationship and it doesn’t strain our bond. What entertains me doesn’t necessarily entertain Chase. He doesn’t get into video games, he’s not that strong on collecting movies, he is content on watching gospel shows, Food Network, HGTV, Top Chef, etc. Since we’ve been together we are rubbing off on one another. I love watching home improvement shows, I love looking at Property Virgins, Love It or Lease It, etc. Since he’s been around me he loves the shows that I am totally in love with like Supernatural, Nikita, Vampire Diaries, etc. It is so laughable how at one point in your life you look at things one way, but when you fall in love with someone your vision changes and your active imagination opens you up to another world of things that you didn’t notice before. Before Chase I would cook but I wasn’t that deep into it. I would cook to eat but there was no passion in creating a dish. Since Chase and I have been together I now dream about recipes, I experiment with different dish ideas, and I love watching shows to inspire an idea for a new recipe. Love has introduced us to a new world that we can share with each other and at the same time we still can be who we are. My fear of losing myself in a man is no longer a factor. I now understand the meaning behind becoming one person when you marry someone. That doesn’t mean you lose yourself, it means that you grow and mature both mentally and spiritually. Becoming one person means that you are connected to the person you were meant to be with. Once you have reached the level of your relationship when you carbon copy one another it means that your souls have connected and you are in tune with one another. I love it when I think something and he says it. I love it when I crave something while I’m at work and when he picks me up he has already bought it for me. I love the fact that I can tell him to lay between my legs so I can massage his neck even though he didn’t tell me it was bothering him earlier. We both have this sense of one another when we are in need of practically anything. In my entire life I have dreamed to find the man I’ve dreamt about since I was a child. I painted this picture for my future and I never wavered the dream I was just thrown off the path I created. I didn’t stay down long, because once I brushed off the horrible things I face from November 2004 to July 2008 I realized that I was still me and there was still so much happiness in the world. Though we face tragedies, it doesn’t mean that we get rid of our happiness and the need to be happy. I wore guilt for happy moments because I felt I didn’t deserve them. I felt that misery was my permanent wardrobe and no one could tell me otherwise. The day I finally understood and got what it all meant, was the day I walked down the aisle arm and arm with the man I said I would love until the day our physical existence ends. The ups and downs were worth the reward to finally know what it meant to be loved for who I really am and not for what is expected of me. I see who I am in the eyes of my husband Chase and no matter what the world throws at me, the opinion of Chase holds stronger power than any criticism the world throws in my direction. I know that the creations that are formulated from my brain are appreciated for the realness of what it is and not for how it will sound to other people. Chase can see me and he allows me to be me regardless if one day I am an angel and on the other days when Satan his self would step out of my way. The sacrifice you take when you say, “I do” is to never say, “I can’t”. My vows are the most solid and infinitely unmoving words I will ever write or say. Some people try to live to find love, I have learned to love the fact that I live.