How I Became Me Chapter 21

After so many ups and downs in my last couple of months I decided that the craziness just had to stop. I felt that there wasn’t a specific time frame to start dating especially since I’d started hanging out pretty heavy. I marked that chapter in my life as the moment when I lost myself and now that I was better and more focused on living better I could start all over again. The dating scene was far more complicated for me when I was younger. After I started dating Eugene exclusively I never worried about what it meant to be back on the market. Now that I’ve had so many years of love, loss, good, bad, and indifferent I felt that I could balance dating guys without the emotional attachment. I was the type of person that fell in love instantly with someone that showed me attention. If a guy was interested in me I took that feeling and ran with it. I wasn’t given a rule book on life because for the most part of my youth I kept my sexuality a secret. I saw people living out loud and proud but never had someone close to me to share the experiences, what to and what not to do. I wasn’t sure what I should look for. The only thing I knew for sure was what part of intimacy I fell in. Of course I had Jennings and William supporting me as I started getting back into the dating scene. They both were pretty busy daters and I would always make jokes that now I was out there looking for a man there wouldn’t be any left because of the several guys they dated. There was a part of me that just didn’t want to step back out there with all of my past baggage and the issues I still faced. To meet a man and if it turns serious they find out that your man before them died may give them a bit of a pause to pursue or it could make them a little leery about getting too close to you. The crazy thing about Jennings and me is that we come up with names for the guys that we date. We create a name that describes their personalities or something that stands out about them. We get so good with the nicknames that we totally forget their real names. I always joke with Jennings that one day we’ll end up calling them by the nickname instead of their real name. Weeks later I connected with a gentleman…I will just call him “Look at Me”. Jennings and I came across that name because it was a song on one of our favorite movies, “Jackie’s Back” staring Jenifer Lewis. The song was about how much she loved herself and how people just cherished her. It was the craziest and funniest song I’ve ever heard. The first night “Look at Me” came over he barely gave me eye contact. He sat down on my couch so close to the end I could barely see the throw pillows. He would only answer the questions that I asked with one-word answers. He looked like he was kidnapped and being interrogated. The next time he came over we tried to get intimate. He was so self-conscience about his body that he wouldn’t take off his shirt or his shorts. I just laughed to myself. He wouldn’t kiss and he kept hiding his fingers. At one moment I glanced and noticed that he had nail fungus on two of fingers. I’ve never seen someone have nail fungus on his hands before even though I know it’s possible. The sex was horrible. He was so amazed at my ass and that’s all he gave attention to. We didn’t do much of anything. He would just lie down and rub my cheeks. He would lay his head on my back and just play with my ass. He did this for hours and that’s all he did. When he left I knew that I didn’t want to further our communication. I was so freaked out that I had to call Jennings that next morning. We laughed about it as usual. It seemed like I was dating characters from sitcoms. The next guy that I started dating was nicknamed “Banana”. That name was properly given to him because his penis was shaped and curbed like a banana. He was from Africa and he was Muslim. Our first meeting was exciting I must say. He was such a passionate man and I was surprised because I didn’t sense that when we talked over the phone. From there on we talked every day. He came to spend a few hours with me because he had friends from Africa visiting and they didn’t know that he was bi-sexual. That weekend was the last time I saw him. He told me when we first met that he would have to fast the entire month of September. I was like that was fine, but I didn’t think that I wouldn’t hear from him. I called and got no answer, I texted and got no answer, I emailed and got no response so I just let it go. I didn’t hear from him. My birthday was coming up and I’d planned a trip for Jeff and me. Since he was gone, Jennings and I decided to take it together. We went to Orlando Florida. It was a nice trip and I truly needed that get-a-way. While driving there I received a call from, “Look at Me”. He was just wishing me a Happy Birthday. A week before we left on the trip I had a serious conversation with “Look at Me”. Look at Me: “I’m not that good with communication.” Me: “Well how are you trying to get to know me, if you can’t keep in contact with me?” Look at Me: “I’m more of a loner and I prefer to keep to myself at times. So if you’re not cool with that I understand.” Me: “Let me tell you this…I think that you are just afraid to get into a relationship so you’ll use this bullshit to keep people at a distance. I haven’t tried to call you but you keep trying to get in contact with me. I’m not pursuing you and I wouldn’t date someone like you anyway. How can you try to date me and then tell me that you prefer to be alone? That explains why none of your relationships work. You just have way too many hang-ups and I’m not trying to invest in someone’s drama.” That was the extent of our last conversation. I guess I hit a nerve because he started texting and calling me more. It didn’t matter though because I decided to leave him alone. I erased every number I had from the guys I started dating after I slowed down on the club, drinking and sleeping around. I wanted to refocus and get my life back on track. Being in my new place made me feel so much better, I didn’t feel like I was sharing a space with my lost lover anymore. I could feel my strength coming back to me. I no longer needed to sleep with the television on and I wasn’t afraid to be alone at night. When I was lost, drinking, clubbing and sleeping around it was because I was terrified of being alone. I felt like I needed a warm body next to me so that I could survive. After experiencing that, I felt I was ready for a relationship but I kept meeting so many guys with so many issues. I wasn’t meeting anyone that wanted what they told me they wanted. This move opened my eyes; to me, and all of the things I knew that I could have. I felt guilty at wanting to be in love again so shortly after Eugene passed away. I started realizing that I just wanted my life back. I experienced so many devastating drawbacks and I didn’t want to fall again. I could never replace Eugene, but I could start a new chapter in my life. I could look at a different journey and not look back. Once that decision was made I felt less pressed to find someone and more excited at the chance of meeting Mr. Right. It felt so real to me at that very moment. I no longer carried so much baggage. I knew that I was still in mourning, and I had to be honest with myself. I cried when I needed to and I thought of good times to keep me going. Shortly after moving into my new place I met this guy. I will call him, “The Sleepy Jamaican”. Our first conversation was just so great. We talked about relationships, family, future goals and everything else under the sun. It’s been so long since I had a conversation like that. We decided to meet that night and go to dinner. When I got to his place I was immediately blown away. He had no furniture in his living room and his bedroom was junkie. He had a twin mattress inside of a king sized bed frame. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The Sleepy Jamaican: “So where do you want to eat?” Me: “Doesn’t matter to me, you pick a place.” I said trying to hurry up and get out of this apartment. It was a test for me not to judge too quickly. I didn’t want to turn down a chance to get to know this man simply because he didn’t have all of the things I thought he should have. Besides, we talked very well together and that was more important than his possessions. The other test was me being back in Decatur. I haven’t been through this side of town since I packed Rick’s things and took them to my home. I never thought I would ever have the courage to drive through his last living area. I really impressed myself and took that as a sign that I was on the right track. The first night was great. We talked and got to know a lot about one another. We had great chemistry and we were very attracted to each other. Our first sexual experience was very intense and I just couldn’t believe how things were connecting. Then I found out that he worked right up the street from me. He was a mechanic and I felt that I hit the jackpot. I knew that I never had to worry about my car having problems when I had a man that could take it apart and put it back together again. Things seemed to be working great for me. Not long after that high I started experiencing the down falls of, “The Sleepy Jamaican”. He slept all night long and on through the morning. We no longer had sex anymore because he claimed that he was more of a morning person. We didn’t go to any special places to eat because all he wanted was buffet styled eateries. I was so bored with him. We stopped having deep conversations because he slept all of the time. If he wasn’t sleeping, he was eating. So one Sunday I decided to call him on these things to see if there was a way to get us back on track. The Sleepy Jamaican: “Good Morning.” Me: “We need to talk.” I said sitting in the chair right beside the couch that he had planted his self in. The Sleepy Jamaican: “What’s wrong?” He said sitting up. Me: “You sleep all night and then you work in the morning. On the weekends we don’t do anything because you are sleeping until the late afternoon. We don’t have conversations anymore and you aren’t even trying to get to know me. I let you spend the night with me these last few weeks to get to know one another and all you do is sleep. You haven’t taken an interest in anything about me and I don’t know anything about you because you aren’t talking. I’ve been through hell and I’ve told you about these things. Not once have you talked to me about them and you don’t even notice when I’m feeling down. I don’t need a roommate and I don’t need someone using me for a comfortable place to sleep. What’s going to happen now, we’re either going to talk this out or this is over. What do you have to say?” I said feeling myself getting fed up and irritated. He didn’t say a word. His mouth just hung open like he was so in shock. I felt so disgusted that I just got up and started to put my clothes on. The Sleepy Jamaican: “Where are you going?” He said looking concerned. Me: “I’m taking you home. We’re done.” I said handing him his clothes out of the closet. The ride to his place was quiet and when he got out of the car he had nothing to say. I felt so relived and so much better that I got all of that off of my chest. I got home and cooked me a nice dinner. I enjoyed the peace and quiet of my Sunday. After yet another dead end dating experience I decided to go online to see if I could have better luck with meeting guys. The first guy I met seemed to be really cool. He was heavy set but cute and had a lot of things in common with me. He was really into church, he loved singing, he loved writing, and he was looking for a friendship that would blossom into a relationship. Reading his profile I felt like I could at least create a friendship with someone interested in the things that I was interested in. So I sent him a friend request and he accepted. Shortly after that we started sending messages to one another and then that led to us exchanging phone numbers. I will call him, “Atlanta Bear.” The first time I requested us meeting he said he had to work at church. I figured that if he’s really into church like that then he might be a really cool guy. The night came for us to meet and I got the call from him a little before I got off of work. Atlanta Bear: “Hey there you. How are you doing?” Me: “I’m almost off, so do you want me to meet you out somewhere or do you want to meet at the church?” Atlanta Bear: “We can meet at the church because I’ll be working with the youth. You can come in and assist me.” I was so impressed and moved by his suggestion that I totally started getting that much more excited. After hanging up I went to Angel and told her about Atlanta Bear. I was so over the hills for this guy and Angel could tell how happy and excited I was. Angel: “I hope it works out. I can’t remember the last time I saw you this happy.” Me: “It feels good to feel excited again. I’m not really putting everything in meeting this guy but I can feel myself getting back out in the world and dealing with everyday life again. I gave Angel a kiss and headed to my car. I wasn’t trying to think ahead, I wanted to be realistic and open-minded about meeting different people so I decided to shut off the judgment switch and dive in with both eyes open. Once I left my job’s parking lot I plugged up my GPS and called Atlanta Bear so that I could start my drive to his church. Atlanta Bear: “Hello.” He said sounding like he didn’t know who I was. Me: “I’m leaving now. I need directions to get to your church.” Atlanta Bear: “Maybe I should come to your place when I’m done at church. I won’t be able to say much to you because of what I have to do with the kids. I don’t want you riding way out here and all I can do is walk out and say hi. So when I’m done here I’ll call you.” Needless to say I was very disappointed. I was a bit angry as well. He told me that I could help him with the kids and now he’s saying that I couldn’t even come in the church. I decided not to get too upset about it. Me: “Ok…that’s fine. Do what you need to do and call me when you can.” I said trying to cover my real feelings. Atlanta Bear: “Thanks baby…man you are so sweet. I’ll see you later tonight.” On my way home I started trying to think of what I should have planned. I know I didn’t want there to be sex on our first meeting because it seemed like that was expected and I mess up every time when I do it. This felt different even though our plans were changed I still had high hopes for us. 9 o’clock came around and there was no call. 10 0’clock came around and still no call. 11 o’clock came around and I was in bed falling asleep. The next morning I called his phone and got no answer. Then I waited for a minute and texted him, still no answer. So I decided to call Jennings to see what he was up to, Jennings: “What up heffa?” Me: “What you up to fool?” Jennings: “Running some errands but I want to hang out today. You want to come out and meet me?” Me: “You took the words right out of my mouth.” Jennings: “Cool. Meet me at, “The Cracker Barrel” in 15 minutes.” Me: “I’ll see you there.” The entire day was great. We ate and talked, and then we went shopping down at The Atlantic Station. While we were hanging out our other buddy William called. He was bored and wanted to meet up with us. We met up at TGI Fridays. We sat around drinking cocktails and tripping like we usually do. On our way out of the restaurant I got a text message. I looked at my phone and it was Atlanta Bear. The text message said: Hey! I am so sorry I’m just getting back to you. My roommate and I were in a car accident and my phone’s face broke so I couldn’t call you. I thought you would have called me to see why I didn’t call but that’s cool. Hit me up when you get this. I instantly got angry as hell. I called Jennings and William to my car and asked them to listen to what I just got on my phone. Jennings: “How in the hell can he text you if his phone’s face cracked?” William: “Sounds like his fat ass is full of shit!” They both knew what a big deal it was for me even thinking of getting deep with someone after losing Eugene. Even though it was early in the connection I still thought that there was potential for us to have at least a good start. William: “Let’s go to Bull Dog’s.” Jennings: “Hell yeah!” Me: “Let’s do it.” We drove in separate cars so while on our way there I got a phone call. It was Atlanta Bear. Atlanta Bear: “Hey there baby. What’s going on? I haven’t heard from you at all. Did you get my message?” Me: “Yeah I just got it. I read that you were in a car accident and your phone broke.” Atlanta Bear: “Yeah…we were leaving the church and someone rode out in front of us and we hit them right in the back. My phone flew out my hand and cracked against the dash.” Me: “Wow! Are you all right?” I said sounding dry as hell. Atlanta Bear: “Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t have your number down anywhere. I wanted to surprise you but when you didn’t respond to my message I had to call.” Me: “Surprise me with what?” I said getting bored with the conversation. Atlanta Bear: “Remember how you said you loved India Arie? Well I have concert tickets for us.” Me: “I thought you said that they were for you and your roommate.” Atlanta Bear: “They were but when I stood you up I told him that I had to make it up to you. So do you want to go tomorrow?” Me: “Sure!” I said getting excited to finally see my girl perform live. Atlanta Bear: “I’ll call you tomorrow morning, so be up because I want us to have the whole day together.” Me: “Cool.” Atlanta Bear: “Hey I got something even better. Since I’m already out, why don’t I meet you at the club and when you’re ready to leave we can just hang out and I could chill with you tonight on through tomorrow. I just want to make things up to you.” Me: “Sure…why not?” I said not even feeling his crap anymore. At this point I had no intention of playing his game any longer. I did want to see India perform so I figured I could get something out of the deal. After a long night of dancing and just having a ball with my boys I came home and crashed. As I suspected there was no call from Atlanta Bear. It trips me out the lengths sorry ass boys will go, knowing that they don’t have the true intentions God gave them. Back in the day that would have really hurt my feelings, but since I’ve survived what I went through not much bothers me anymore. The next afternoon I woke up around 12ish and there was no message at all from Atlanta Bear. So I decided to leave him one. My message to Atlanta Bear: Well I guess you’ve had another unfortunate accident. Let me guess…your phone broke in half and now you can’t read anything. I find it funny that you can’t see whose calling or texting you but you can call and send me a text message. I really thought that we were connecting and I thought that we could establish a good friendship but I see that you are just like the rest of the sorry ass boys on the computer. You tell people what they want to hear and then you show them the truth. I thought that you were humble and an all around nice guy but I guess even someone as fat as you can think that they have the ability to play with someone’s emotions! You take care and I hope you get another phone! After I sent the text I felt so much better. I didn’t let my anger linger because it would have ruined my day and he wasn’t worth the time. I started to build up this shield that protected me from sorry guys like that. I wouldn’t allow myself to become bitter because it’s not worth blinding myself from the right man who could be coming into my life before I knew it. The one good thing about this was I knew I was ready to try my hand at a relationship again. I was scared at first but I found myself getting excited to be with someone and wanting to start new memories and experience someone else’s life story other than my own for a change. That Monday morning I came to work and went online. I immediately deleted Atlanta Bear from my buddy list and posted a journal entry just for him. Tomorrow Most guys that I meet always ask me, "Why are you still single?" It's a question that I dread at times because when I answer them it sometimes will change the level of our conversation. Knowing that I was in a 10 year relationship makes them hopeful and sure that I am relationship material, but when I tell them that my lover died they tend to feel apprehension or maybe nerves...I'm not sure. Typically I kind of wait until I tell them that piece of my life. I hate to drop so much heavy info on someone that I just met but I like to try to get things out of the way as quickly as possible. So far I have been impressed with the magnitude of great guys out there. TAGGED has renewed my faith in men. Dating again was a huge fear for me because I know how things have changed and there aren't that many genuine men out there anymore. People are so caught up with quick conquests and not willing to invest and grow with anyone any more. What happened to that love for life mentality? What happened to ride or die men that wanted their Boo to stay on their side through whatever? The generation coming may never experience real love because people are so hung up on nonsense and unnecessary drama. We all have hearts and I refuse to believe that no one is capable of loving someone. I have met one guy from TAGGED that turned out to be a waste of space and time. He lied to me from the start...even knowing my situation and what I'd experienced. To him I pray that he finds a heart and learns the proper way to use it. To the great guys that I'm talking to on a regular basis I pray that life brings you many blessings! Because you have made me realize that there is hope for me and I have every reason to look forward to, "Tomorrow!" After posting that I got a friend request from a guy I’ll call “Bottom Heavy”. I accepted his friend request and he immediately sent me his phone number. I thought about what I’d just experienced and then decided to follow my own advice. I wasn’t going to judge people before giving them a chance. Bottom Heavy: “Hello.” Me: “Hi. Thanks for sending me a request and your phone number.” Bottom Heavy: “Well I just read your journal and I wanted to apologize to you for experiencing that. I also read that your lover passed this year, so I was a little angry that you met someone that wasted your time like that.” For the rest of the evening, right up to the time I was going home we talked on the phone. Once again I started this wonderful conversation and I was intrigued by how he kept me laughing. Bottom Heavy: “I know it’s early to ask this but I want to ask it anyway. Can we meet up tonight? We could meet out for dinner, a movie…whatever you feel comfortable doing.” Bottom Heavy said. Me: “You know I appreciate the offer but I have a lot to do when I get home. What about tomorrow after work we meet up?” I said trying to divert the possibility that he only wanted a booty call. Bottom Heavy: “I aim to please. Call me when you get home. I really enjoyed talking to you tonight.” Bottom Heavy said sounding very understanding. The rest of the night we talked until I fell asleep on the phone. When I awoke the next morning the phone was pressed in my neck so tightly that it left an imprint. When I looked at my phone I saw that Bottom Heavy sent me a text saying: That was so cute of you to fall asleep while we talked. It made me feel like I was in high school again. I can’t wait to meet you. I have a feeling that you are going to spoil me rotten. Sweet dreams and think of me today at work. When I got to work I checked my page and saw that Bottom Heavy left me a lot of nice comments and even wrote a journal about me on his page. I was very impressed and flattered. I sent him some comments back and we started to talk online up until my lunch break. Bottom Heavy: “So are you excited about meeting tonight?” Me: “I am…after what I just experienced it would be nice to meet a cool guy that makes me laugh. I look forward to tonight.” I said feeling a little more at ease. For the rest of the day we emailed and texted one another. We made the plan that he would come to my place with dinner and I would get some movies. I had a large collection and there were several movies that I called out to him that he hadn’t seen. When I got home I went and took a quick shower and started getting the living room ready for company. 9 o’clock came around and there was no call and no knock on the door. 10 o’clock came around and still no call and no knock on the door. I decided not to get myself caught up like last time so I decided to call him but realized that I left his number at work; around 11:30pm or so I got a call. Me: “Hello…” I said sounding very sleepy. Bottom Heavy: “Man what happened to you?” Bottom Heavy said sounding upset. Me: “What do you mean what happened to me? What happened to you? You didn’t call and you didn’t show up.” I said sitting up in bed. Bottom Heavy: “I got to Norcross and remembered that I forgot your directions. I tried to call you but I realized that I left your phone number at home.” Me: “If you forgot the directions, how did you get to my apartment complex?” I said having a flashback of bullshit. When I asked the obvious questions there was silence for a moment. So before he could come up with another lie I interjected my feelings on the matter. “Look…don’t waste your time trying to come up with something clever. I’ve dealt with little boys like you before. You go ahead and sleep, but rest assure that I won’t be loosing sleep over you. Good night.” I said hanging up on him and then cutting my phone off. The next morning while I was about to delete Bottom Heavy from my buddy list I received a notification that someone picked me as a match. I looked at their profile and all they had, as a picture was a shot of their lips. I was like…”What the hell.” As soon as I picked him I received a friend request. I started laughing to myself because it seemed like as soon as I get rid of one another one tries. I still wasn’t’ convinced that I should breakaway from trying so I decided to accept his friend request. As soon as we emailed each other I got this amazing feeling. I felt like I knew him already. It was as though I was waiting on this very moment to happen. Even though I ran into one bad apple after the next, I never stopped believing that there was a good guy out there. As soon as we started talking I knew that I found the right one. We got so engaged into one another I didn’t realize that I was talking to this man every single day. We were sending messages online, texts and talking all through the day. It was as if we’d know one another before. Before I knew it we were making plans to meet. It was so out of the norm for me because I never imagined myself riding a long way to meet any man. He lived in Macon GA with a roommate. He was recently separated from his wife and was pursuing divorce. He has 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl. Everything in me told me that I was going to be with him even though he had so much on his plate. Once again I would be his first gay relationship but it didn’t scare me off. There was this part of me that wanted to know him more and be there for him as he went through this transition. Eugene never had a relationship with a man when I met him and that transition was very difficult and ended with him being taken from me. I felt to myself that if I want happiness I have got to stop thinking of where I came from and focus on where I would like to be. His family didn’t know he was gay and it was hard for him to get his life back together leaving his wife. She told him that she didn’t want to be married anymore so he left everything behind. I felt my heart breaking as he told me what he went through. I felt more and more connected to him everyday we talked. That Friday I decided that I wanted to see him face to face. Me: “I have school Saturday but I can drive up there right after.” I said to Chase. Chase: “Ok…I’ll tell my roommate that I’m having company.” Chase said sounding nervous. Me: “Am I coming up there for a few hours or should I pack an overnight bag?” I asked trying to figure out if we were on the same page or not. Chase: “You can bring an overnight bag.” Chase said with no hesitation. Not once did I question his sincerity. I felt like everything was meant to be and I couldn’t explain how I could feel this way about a man I’ve talked to on the phone for several days. It was as though we were already in a relationship. That Saturday morning I couldn’t wait for school to end. We texted each other up until it was time for me to leave. The entire ride to Macon I imagined my life with him and what I was going to face with what he had going on. It didn’t scare me at all, if anything I felt like I was being prepared for this very relationship. When I pulled up and walked upstairs I was greeted with the warmest smile I’d ever seen. We sat down and talked all night and before I knew it I was sitting on his bed with him sitting between my legs as I unbraided his hair. It was as if this moment had happened before. The day was December 6th and that’s the very day that I fell in love with “Chase”. The man that saved my life from the sorrow I lived, the pain I carried, the uncertainty I held, and the fear of never loving again. Looked like life was finally giving me back the happiness I dreamed of so long ago.