How I Became Me Chapter 11

My life in Atlanta has had its rewards and its failures. The most important thing I learned was that no matter what you do you must always remain real to yourself first before you can offer anything to anyone. After that very short lived relationship with Cedric I laid low for a while. My job for the paper company was hell and I hated every moment of it but I knew I had to hang in there until something better came along. After those years protecting my self-esteem and my sexuality I got a call that changed everything for me. I posted my resume to several companies so that I could escape the hell that was ran by the closet lesbian that wanted to bash men and then in the same breath claim to hate gays. Her clan consisted of brainless puppets that did everything she told them to do. They wore what she told them to wear, went to the schools she chose for them, had them take courses that she designed for them. It was a sad sight to see but it taught me to stand alone and I realized that I possessed the fortitude to be a strong leader and walk right past those that only acted as such. The living situation with Dennis and Barry turned rather sour after a while. In the beginning it was fun. Watching our lives unfold as a trio and then it suddenly took a turn for the bad and then the worst. Since I can remember Dennis was always mind controlled by Barry. Barry knew how to pluck his nerves and also pull him to his way of thinking and at times his way of living. We started having fallouts because I would stand up for myself and because they were having personal issues or relationship issues I became a threat instead of a family member or even a friend. I saw the truth in things and I started realizing who I was inside without the annoying fear, self doubt, and self isolation. The more confident I became the worst my temper was. My fuse for bullshit was so short that my attack when someone stepped to me the wrong way would cause me to pause after the storm started. I realized that it wasn’t because of that particular incident, though it had a part to play; it was because I spent so many years just doing what was expected of me. I didn’t want to let anyone down; I never wanted to be that person no one could count on. I always wanted to be the name at the top of the list of reliable people. It was a hell of my own design but back then it made me feel special and that was all I truly wanted from my family. When I started allowing those feelings to bleed into my relationships I knew that I would be trapped for life if I didn’t find a way to break out of it on my own. Rick was very helpful in that discovery and became a true ally in my time of need. From being two against one in the arguments with Dennis and Barry, it became two against two, then one against two. I turned my attitude around and removed the volatile feelings from my past and my inequities. I knew that I was more than I allowed myself to be and I could trigger that confidence in a positive manner without deliberately hurting people in my path. During the calm after the storm Barry moved out and found his own apartment. Shortly after that Dennis and I moved to another apartment complex because of the new job Dennis found. Our living together still had its ups and downs but we managed to stay together for as long as we possibly could. Right before we moved from the apartment we shared with Barry I met someone that I didn’t realize would become someone stronger in my life than just a friend, he became the brother I’ve always needed. I remember browsing the chat line to scare myself up a date. I no longer searched for love; I just needed someone I could deal with. I started using the chat line after my 2 month affair with a married man named Alex. I had always wondered about those gay men that slept around with married men. I never thought that I could actually handle that sort of lifestyle. In the beginning I didn’t know he was married but after finding out I just said’ “What the hell” and blew caution to the wind. It was nice and it wasn’t complicated. He would come over two or three times a week around the same time. We would talk a little and then have sex. The sex wasn’t rough or disgusting in any manner, it was smooth, soothing, and passionate. After a while I started patterning my dates around the time I set aside for Alex. Eventually it became complicated in a way I wasn’t interested in. If I had company before Alex came over he would question if I was seeing other people. I was shocked at his instant jealously about me dating when he was the one married and cheating on his wife. After telling him we needed to back off for a while I jumped on the chat line which was advised to me by Rick. He described the experience has less stressful. You listen to the profiles and only send messages to the ones you want to talk to. If you connect with them it’s just that, a connection without any pretence. I needed some simplicity in my life after the constant drama. I remember one Thursday night I decided to use the chat line. I created a profile and started browsing other profiles. It was very interesting and like my brother said it was not stressful at all. During my browse I received a connect request, I listened to the message and the young man on the line said his name was Jennings and he wanted to have a live conversation. I immediately accepted and before I knew it we were talking. The conversation started off great and we were so similar in a lot of ways. He had a sense of humor, was very ambitious, very adventurous, and intelligent. We started talking at around 9PM or so and ended our conversation around 5AM that following morning. It was so refreshing to talk to someone that wanted to actually talk. We just wanted to get to know one another. No mention of sex, what roles we played, how much we loved sex…none of that came into our conversation. We instantly became friends. That following Saturday we met at the train station across from my apartment complex and have been friends ever since. In our new apartment we both had our own bedrooms. Now that it was just Dennis and I we had a lot more room. That first week in the new place I invited Alex over because I missed our little time together and I just wanted to see if I was still interested. He came over and like we always did, we talked and then had sex. This last time was different though, I was getting bored with getting crumbs of relationship and was started to get hungry for the full course. After Alex left I told him I no longer felt comfortable seeing him and that I needed a relationship and not just a physical one. He understood and the break wasn’t dramatic at all. We reached a mutual understanding and went our separate ways. About a week after ending it with Alex, Barry and I decided to hang out together. Normally it would have been Dennis, me, and Barry but Dennis was dating a new guy named Jim and he was rarely home. Barry and I went to one of our favorite spots, “The Palace”. It was on a Friday around 10PM or so. That was considered early for the regulars. We entered the club and went to the bar and started talking to the bartenders. Just about every employee at the club knew us since we were patrons for several years. There were times we didn’t have to pay to get in or buy drinks. While downstairs I heard some better music playing on the dance floor above us. I told Barry that I wanted to dance so we made our way to the second floor of the club. As we got to the top I could hear Missy Elliot’s “The Rain”, as I walked to the dance floor this very tall and thick brother was leaving the dance floor. We bumped into one another and he quickly apologized. I told him that if he wanted me to forgive him he would need to dance with me. He said he was about to get a drink and relax for a minute, I said cool and proceeded to the dance floor. After about 5 minutes of watching me get down he walked up and asked if he could dance with me, he introduced his self as Eugene and I accepted his request. We danced and talked for about 5 songs and then called it a break when the DJ started playing baby making music. We walked to the bar where he Eugene asked me if he could buy me a drink. At that time in my life I was totally in love with Corona and lime juice. So I asked for one and he got a gin and coke. He gestured me to follow him in the hallway to talk. While there we started getting deep into our lives, what we have been through, what we wanted to do, where we wanted to go, how we loved this and how we disliked that. I totally forgot that I was in a club and I forgot that I came there with Barry. As we decided to leave I noticed that Barry was no longer upstairs. We walked downstairs and I saw Barry flirting with one of the bartenders he liked. He saw me walking with Eugene and asked me if I was ready to leave. I told him that Eugene was going to drop me off, before I walked away he told me to call him when I made it home. I gave him a big hug and followed Eugene to his car which was a beautiful dark purple Camaro. It looked almost like the car on Knight Rider. We made it to my apartment, walked into my bedroom and began making out. We kissed and then started trying to have sex. It was horrible because we were both a little tipsy and tired. So we just stopped and said that we would try it later. Eugene asked if it would be all right for him to spend the night with me and go to work from my place. I told him that would be fine. That following morning he got up, went to his car and got his work clothes, took a shower, and before he left he leaned over and kissed me saying, “I’m off to work Boo”, and I responded, “Have a good day at work”. After I heard the door close I sat up in my bed and it suddenly hit me…I think I just started a relationship. I lay back down and stared at the ceiling. My heart started racing, my mind started spinning, and that old fear snuck in and slapped my forehand with my right hand and said, “What in the hell did I just do?” Little did I know, that question would haunt me for many years and end in a way that I could never have imagined.