How I Became Me Chapter 18

You would think that with everything I recently experienced the future would present a bushel of rewarding fruit but this isn’t the case. In 2008 I’d found a way to cope with the loss of my family by trying to get involved in other things. I got my book published, I started going to school, and I was working as a manager in the department I started out as just a regular employee. So I was very focused on working hard and trying to keep from letting those emotional restraints hold me down. My relationship was getting worse and not better. A little after Rick died Eugene was distant and not there for me like I thought he would have been. Dennis and I were around each other a little more but not better than before. Jake was a total no show in my life since the funeral of our mother. I wasn’t surprised by this but it did in fact hurt because they knew we all were suffering from the same pains. Eugene was drinking more, arguing with family more, fighting with me more, and trying to make his relationship with his sister Connie work. Every other day they would have harsh arguments using very strong profanity and then not speaking to each other for weeks. Then out of the blue Eugene would call me saying he was going to Connie’s after he got off of work. Since all of the tragedies in my life I was withdrawn and not much made me happy as I wish it did. My sister Peggy and her husband Hoyte moved in with Eugene and I after our mother died. Her plan was to move to Atlanta and live with Maurice and his wife but Maurice’s while Stacey didn’t like Peggy. When she heard they were moving to Atlanta she had Maurice quit his job and they moved back to Aiken. Eugene felt bad about what they did and he felt that having my sister around me would help out so he asked them to move in with us. I didn’t say otherwise because I felt that his gesture was genuine and he wanted us to work. Once they moved in Hoyte got a job as a truck driver and Peggy got a job in her field as a caretaker in an assisted living facility. Things started out really cool between the four of us but once Hoyte started hitting the road tension started growing. First it was tension between Peggy and Hoyte, then the arguments between Eugene and I escalated. Pretty soon it was Peggy trying to fix the relationship between Eugene and me; it changed once Hoyte came back. Peggy said that she wanted Hoyte to quit his job and move back home. She wanted him to have a job that kept him in Atlanta or didn’t have him traveling so much. Once Hoyte came back home the relationship between Peggy and Eugene fell apart. Tension grew and grew until it got to the point where Peggy and Hoyte avoided me and Eugene. Then one night being frustrated with the childish behavior of both Peggy and Hoyte I cursed Peggy out and told her how tired I was with how phony she could be and how she lied so much about how she was being treated and never taking accountability for her misbehaviors. About a week after I blew up on Peggy, Eugene said he wanted them to leave. He came to me when he got home from work and asked me how I felt about him asking them to move out? At this point I was fed up with the nonsense and was impressed that he wanted to take that approach. This was the first time he and I ever talked on such a deep level. I felt that he wanted things to change but understood that having them in our home would only make things worse for us. The home were in now was a townhouse and the space was less than the home we lived in when they first decided to move to Atlanta. I started getting migraines constantly. It seemed like every day I was popping Excedrin pills and lying down because I couldn’t maintain a peaceful sense of being when I was constantly surrounded by such negativity. So Eugene told them that he felt it was best that they moved out and about three days later I got home from school and found their room empty. It was such a peaceful feeling to come home to silence and not to hearing their bedroom door close when they knew I was coming in the house. It felt good to have my bedroom door open and to hear neighbors on the other side of the wall than to hear their door open and hear them walking downstairs once they realized that our bedroom door was closed. Peggy being the oldest in the situation was the biggest disappointment, but Peggy is how Peggy is and she will never. Hoyte just existed and did whatever he wanted to. Hoyte wouldn’t keep a job, he smoked constantly, he was an alcoholic, he rarely washed his ass, and there was a bit of homosexuality in his personality. There were several moments where Eugene felt that he couldn’t trust Hoyte to be home alone with me. I sensed the same thing but Hoyte was nowhere on my list of men I would find attractive. When Hoyte first started dating my sister he was very handsome and very loving to Peggy, but shortly after they married he started back on crack, drinking, sleeping around, and not washing his ass. Having the house back to just Eugene and I was all right for a little while. Suddenly old habits started returning to our relationship. During the time between losing Rick and my mother getting sicker I cheated on Eugene. It wasn’t my finest moment and it was something I never thought I could have done to someone. Throughout our entire relationship I knew that Eugene was messing around behind my back. I knew that he was still messing with women and had his little sissies on the side. Each time I wanted to walk out of the relationship some tragedy would happen to one of us and we would pull back into each other’s lives. Eventually the past came back to haunt the both of us. Eugene started hanging more and more with his family which meant that he was being more and more of an ass to me. He would come home sloppy drunk, slurring his words, and stumbling up and down the stairs cursing me for everything he could think of. So I started hanging out with Jennings and William more, they were my saving grace. They knew what I’d been through, they understood the relationship between Eugene and I, and they were always the excitement in my life. Things between Eugene and I came to a final climax when my sister Tammy came to visit. Knowing that Peggy and I were no longer speaking she went to Peggy’s house and told me to come over to visit her. Tammy was always doing this sort of thing, she didn’t care who was wrong she just wanted us all together. So I agreed to come over, Dennis said he wanted to come over as well so I went to pick him up. Eugene was angry because Peggy and Hoyte didn’t want him there. So to keep the peace and make Tammy’s visit a positive one I told Eugene to just let me go over and hang out with my family. Eugene texted and called me constantly while I was there. I knew that it was going to be drama when I got home but I didn’t want him acting immature to routine the time I was having with my family. After our visit Dennis asked if I felt like going out to a club. I said sure since Eugene said he was going over to his sister’s. I knew that he was going to be drunk and there was going to be an argument. Once we got to the club I saw William and we walked out on the back deck of the club to talk and just have a good time. While laughing with Dennis and William I kept getting this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. I always had this sixth sense when it came to trouble. I walked in the club not knowing what I was looking for until I looked over at the bar and saw Eugene’s brother Jimmy. Jimmy was hung over drunk as always but I knew that Jimmy didn’t have a license and he lived too far away to walk. I knew that Eugene had to be somewhere close by. I walked to the dance floor and after just one brief glance I spotted Eugene on the dance floor. At first I saw him dancing alone so I decided to leave and head back to the deck. As I began to turn around I saw Eugene reach over and grab this guy’s ass. My entire body exploded with heat and I could feel the anger building up. I walked over and grabbed his hand. He looked at me and was in total shock. I could tell he was drunk because his eyes were blood shot and he was slurring his words. I told him to take his drunk ass home and we would deal with this crap later. He walked off the dance floor and I went to the deck to tell Dennis and William what I just witnessed. While outside being calmed down by William because apparently my drama was interesting enough for Dennis, he decided to call his on again and off again boyfriend Mark to have a screaming match. While I was talking to William, Eugene busted out of the club with his drunken ass brother Jimmy with him. He tried to give me a bullshit excuse as to why he was at the club which made no sense to me because being at the club wasn’t the problem, it was seeing him grabbing some child’s ass that made me angry. I told him to get away from me and to go home. He started trying to curse me out and before I knew it was started slapping him with all of my might. He walked back in the club and William grabbed me arm and told me to calm down. I couldn’t stop myself, it was like everything I’d held in was coming out and it wasn’t coming out in the best of ways. I tried to calm my nerves for a minute and then I realized that Eugene was drunk. The thought that our last words to one another would be harsh and not to mention the attack I’d just put on him; if anything were to happen to him I would never forgive myself. So I decided to run and get him to take his keys. I walked in the club and Jimmy was back at the bar, I turned around and saw Eugene whispering in another guy’s ear. I lost my cool for the last time and before I knew it I was grabbing him, punching him and pushing him out of the club. I walked out with him and started hitting him again, I yelled to him, “Get your shit out of my house and go live with your sister!” Eugene never fought back; he just kept walking with Jimmy. It was so said that I acted that way, but what was equally said was these two grown men barely able to walk because they were both so drunk. After leaving the club I dropped Dennis off and called William to let him know I made it home. When I got in bed I replayed that entire night and was not pleased with how it went. Eugene was not home so I prayed that he made it to his sister’s house safe. That next morning I was awaken to Eugene taking his stuff out of house. His brother was outside in the front loading Connie’s drunk with Eugene’s things. We argued a little back and forth, and then out of the blue Jennings called to ask if I was all right. It was perfect timing because I felt like I was going to attack both Eugene and Jimmy. While Eugene was packing Peggy and Tammy pulled up and kept us from getting close to one another. Eugene got his belongings and drove off with Jimmy. Peggy and Tammy sat with me until Jennings showed up. Jennings sat with me for a while and then had to leave for work. Sitting in the house on my own I started thinking about everything that happened. My temper was uncontrollable, my attitude was terrible, and my anger was becoming more of me than my sanity. I couldn’t stop anything I felt from staying inside of me. Then I realized that the reason I was so angry was because I tried so hard to bury the pain I was feeling. Though Eugene was wrong in several ways I still didn’t need to take the measures I took towards him. I always tried my best to be the best person I could be, but the world I was thrown into recently obviously was more than my ability to think rationally. Eugene and I separated for a few weeks. After text messages, arguments on the phone, then finally having a mature conversation, Eugene moved back in. We had moments of sitting down talking to each other, the arguments stopped; we started acting better towards one another. I could feel the healing happening between us, but the pain of missing my mom, dad, and my brother was still there. One day Eugene came downstairs and told me that he was sorry for everything that he’d ever done to me. He admitted that he had a drinking problem; he admitted that his relationship with his family wasn’t healthy and he wanted to stop being around them if they were only going to disrespect me and constantly telling him that his being gay was so wrong. He admitted that he was trying to make his family love him despite their feelings towards his life and his lover. He said that he was going to stay away from them and start working on us. We found a therapist that specialized in gay couples. Eugene emailed him, called him, and even sent letters to him. We never heard back from the therapist but just the fact that he was doing what he promised was enough to make me smile. Things started to really change between us. We couldn’t really explain why we stayed together after so many years of constant drama and tragedy, but we could explain why we are going to work at staying together now. We owed it not just to each other but to ourselves to rid the pain of family. We both were in similar parts of our lives. Eugene was the baby of his family but the world was on his shoulder. His career as a pro football player was what his family banked on. He’d become a local celebrity in Atlanta and his siblings lived off of that stardom. When that dream was stripped away from him they turned their backs on him. My family relied on me for so much and I never really lived for myself. I was always running back and forth between Aiken and Atlanta for my family. I neglected my relationship with Eugene and that played a huge part in why he became so insecure. This realization made us both sit down and take a breather. We’d been doing the same things but not realizing how wrong we both were. We promised to work together better and to keep those negativities our of our lives and out of our homes, shortly after moving back in Eugene was laid off from his job due to him being late on his out of town assignments. This wasn’t an issue until after Eugene confessed to his manager that he had gout. For the longest Eugene would push through the pain to make it to work and to make it to the locations he had to go to when he was out of town. I constantly worried about him because I knew that the pain was excruciating and there was no immediately relief for him. I continued working and going to school. My book was drawing a little buzz here and there but not enough to get too excited about. July 21, 2008 Eugene came home from running errands, he had a few interviews, and he got his license renewed. He was so excited to show me his picture because the last one made him look like he was taking a mug shot. Eugene was working out more, eating healthier, and trying to cut back on the junk food. I was so shocked to see how he stopped drinking and didn’t have any issues with withdrawal. He was more energetic and seemed to be more at peace. I looked at his license and he looked like a totally different person. He looked younger, he looked happier, and he looked like that man I knew he was. It was his birthday and we decided to buy some movies that he picked out, got some wings, and sat up all night watching movies, laughing, joking and just being how we were in the beginning of our relationship. July 22, 2008 That day was just a regular day. I went on line to help Eugene apply for jobs, I was dealing with a little drama here and there at work but all in all things were great. Eugene and I were happier than we’d ever been and we were planning to take a trip to Tybee Island in October to celebrate not only our anniversary, but to bring some flowers to the ocean for Rick. A few months after Rick died I planned to drive to Tybee Island to spread his ashes where he and I loved to go. Junior, Dennis, Eugene, and I took the trip and it was great. It was very emotional but it was so wonderful how we all stuck together and were there for that special moment. July 23, 2008 I got up that morning feeling a little off; the night before I had a crazy dream that had to do with people at my job. Some guy by the name of Black was in my dream, there was a fight, there was a gunshot, and then the dream took me to Aiken with me riding a bike towards our family home on Horry Street. As I was peddling an angel flew in front of me and told me, “He’s not finished with you yet.” As I was getting dressed I told Eugene about my dream. He always told me that he felt I was like a psychic or a medium because I would have dreams that at times would come out to be true or I would know something before it happened. I’ve always had a fascination for that possibility of people being able to do those amazing things. If I truly had that gift I would love it and at the same time I would fear it. Before I left for work I kissed Eugene and handed him a flyer for an opera that was being held that following weekend. I got tickets through my job and thought it would be good for us to experience different cultural events. Of course Eugene teased me and said I always wanted him to do these “White” things. We laughed, I kissed him again, told him I loved him and he wished me a good day at work. When I got to work I told my friends about my dream. One of my friends asked me to repeat the name I mentioned in the dream. I told Larry that he was in the dream and there was this guy named Black that was trying to attack us, but Larry seemed to know him. In the dream Larry and I were running and then we stopped. Larry turned around and said, “Black, man why are you doing this…you know me.” I remember telling Larry to run as I turned to get away and as I ran I heard a gunshot. Larry stood looking at me and all of the color in his face went away. He turned around and picked up his cell phone and made a call. I continued talking to the rest of our friends and then Larry walked up and said, “I just talked to my best friend’s wife Susan…she told me that Black was shot last week and he died from the gunshot.” Everyone was silent and then everyone looked at me. It was like they were terrified of me and at the same time they were amazed that I had a dream of someone I didn’t know, but apparently Larry knew, the dream had an incident with a gun and that is what killed Larry’s friend. We all showed Larry our condolences and I rushed back to my office and called Eugene to tell him what just happened. There was no answer so I went to my other friend who was also a manager. I told Jane about my dream and while I was telling her the human resources manager Delia walked in. I repeated the dream and once I finished telling it, something in Jane’s candy jar popped. It terrified all three of us and Delia said, “Child you better stay away from me. You got a ghost or something around you.” We eventually laughed it off and went on with our day. I constantly tried to call Eugene but could never reach him. After hours of him not calling back I assumed that maybe he decided to go and see his family, or he was at the unemployment office. The unemployment office had no reception so there would be no way he could call me or know that I was calling him. So I stopped trying to call him and went on with my day. When it got to 5:00PM it was time for me to end my work day and head to school. As I was leaving I tried calling Eugene again but didn’t reach him. I tried several times while driving to school, on my breaks from school, and when I was leaving school but still no response from Eugene. I started getting worried, and then to prevent myself from going crazy I just started getting upset thinking that maybe his sister Connie got him in her clutches again and he didn’t want to answer the phone since he was with her. On the way home I tried calling again but still no answer. As I pulled into the subdivision I was expecting his car to be gone. When I got to parking lot I saw his car. I looked at the house and there were no lights on. My heart began racing because this wasn’t like Eugene to be home with no lights on. I started thinking that maybe his gout got so bad that he couldn’t move and he’s been lying down in pain all day. Then I started thinking that maybe his medication had him so out of it that he couldn’t answer the phone. When I got to the porch this cold chill came over my body. I was almost afraid to walk into the house. When I opened the door I saw the television light from upstairs in our bedroom. I closed the door and dropped my keys in the bowl by the door. As I walked up I could see his hand across the pillow. I came in and started to take off my watch when I noticed that there wasn’t any movement. I started to walk closer and I realized that he wasn’t breathing. I frantically ran and flipped the lights on to see him lying there with his eyes open. At that moment my heart felt like it had been taken out of my chest. There was this red line across his eyes and he looked so motionless. Before I knew it I started screaming to the top of my lungs. “Eugene! NO! PLEASE GOD NO! NOT Eugene! NOT MY BABY! Eugene! BABY… PLEASE!” I’d never felt such a rush of pain before. I couldn’t contain myself. I reached to touch him and his body was so cold and so stiff. I felt so alone and so lost. I didn’t know what to do. My hands were trembling and I could barely reach for my phone/ I struggled to dial 911. “911 what’s your emergency?” The operator said. “HE’S DEAD! MY LOVER IS DEAD! OH MY GOD! EUGENE… NO!!!” “I can’t understand what you’re saying honey. Who is dead?” The operator said trying to calm me down. At that point I tried to take a breath to explain. “My lover is dead. I came home from school and found him in bed. He’s not moving, he’s not breathing and his eyes are open. Oh my GOD I think he had a heart attack.” I said breaking down again. “Can you give him mouth to mouth?” The operator asked. I approached Eugene’s lifeless body knowing that there was no hope, but for a split second I felt that I could save him and this would be over with. I touched his top lip and fluid started to drain from his mouth. “NO! THERE’S A LOT OF FLUID COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH….HE IS SO COLD…OH MY GOD HE IS SO COLD…HELP ME PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!” “Someone is on their way right now honey, please stay on the phone and try to calm down. Get out of the room and wait for the ambulance.” The operator instructed. I went downstairs and in less than 5 minutes an officer was there. I let him in and he started asking several questions. I couldn’t comprehend most of them. The most fucked up thing about it all was I couldn’t identify his body. The officer told me that our relationship wasn’t recognized so he had to wait for Eugene’s family to come before they took his body from the house. It was such a cold and unfeeling thing to tell someone that loved this man that lie upstairs lifeless and cold. It didn’t matter that we shared almost 10 years together, that we took care of one another when we were sick, it didn’t matter that we shared so many memories and had love for one another. I was so crushed and angry, but I didn’t want to lose sight of that fact that I was going to live life without Eugene. I went outside to get my mind calm so that I could be strong enough to handle having his family in my house. It was so ironic, they could never come to visit when they were invited, but now that he’s dead they have to come over. The last thing I remembered doing was calling Connie. “Hello.” Connie said sounding tired. “Connie…Eugene is dead…he’s dead….” I said finding it impossible to say it any other way. There was a loud scream on her end of the phone and I broke down again. The time was 10:45PM, the date was July 23rd 2008, and it was 2 days after Eugene’s 41st birthday. This is a night I will remember for the rest of my life. “He was a man with a heart that longed to be loved and accepted. He walked a path owning the responsibility to carry a legacy that fueled happiness to his family. In the end of his life it would be that same heart that took him from the physical world. Pain is what he knew but pain never stopped him from trying to live life and enjoy the best that life had to offer. We aren’t given many options but if we are strong we can at times create our own. In his presence no one was a stranger and in his heart everyone was loved. He is gone now but not forgotten, just another angel called to do God’s work.” -Dedicated to Edward Lighting