How I Became Me Chapter 20

Finally unpacked the last box and I feel so at home in my new apartment. As with every move I’ve ever made, I cannot settle until every box has been emptied and every last picture is hanging on the wall. Though I was in my new place I still carried a box that belonged to Eugene holding all of his pictures, awards, and the rest of his clothes. That entire ordeal after his death actually was more painful to deal with than his death its self. Shortly after Eugene died Connie started calling me and saying that she wanted us to put our past aside to lay Eugene to rest. I was on board because throughout my years with Eugene I welcomed his family into our relationship but they chose not to participate. We lived in several homes and only one of his siblings ever came in to visit. I was always trying to push Eugene to have a good relationship with his family. When they called those times to just attack him I would try to make him see it from a different perspective. I tried to get him to be the bigger person. From what I could gather Eugene’s relationship with both their mother and father made the rest of them jealous. It also didn’t help that Eugene was almost a football legend. He was meant for it and he was damn good at it. They enjoyed the wealth of his success but were bitter because they didn’t have any of their own. The oldest brother stayed away from the family, the brother next to him was a pastor but never tried to bridge the gap in their family, the brother next to him was selfish and money hungry, he always sized people up by what they had and how much they had, the brother under him was a total lost cause, he was a severe alcoholic and at the time he was the only openly gay sibling, but everyone treated him like he was a child. I was not surprised that Eugene was more together and more family oriented. Their sister Connie was also a lost cause. She dated the wrong men, was married to a man that beat her, she had a daughter that was spoiled and didn’t respect authority, shortly after the death of their mother Connie had a little boy by another man that didn’t stick around. It started to become sad to be in their presence and see how they interacted with one another. I admit that my family has its share of dysfunction but at least we should affection and always said we loved one another. At times I felt like I was sitting in a house with a bunch of friends or people just meeting for the first time. It wasn’t what I was use to but I could tell how desperately Eugene wanted it to be better. Thinking that Connie was really trying to make things right between she and I so that we could band together to lay Eugene to rest I agreed to work with her. She told me how the other brothers wouldn’t work with her; all they did was criticize everything she suggested, and they thought that Eugene left a lot of money and she was trying to keep it to herself. I felt sorry for her because even though she caused a lot of issues with Eugene and with our relationship she was still the only sibling he always kept in contact with so I figured I could put my personal feelings for her aside to do a last wish of Eugene’s. Almost from the very start of working together I felt that it was going south but I wanted to remain positive. When she came to the townhouse to get some of his belongings she started pulling any and everything that assumed was Eugene’s. I would have to stop her and tell her what was mine and what wasn’t leaving. She got his clothes, she picked out a suit to bury him in and then she started asking about artwork, movies, music, and anything that seemed to hold value. I gave her one of our televisions. I owned a 34 inch black color television and Eugene had a 34 inch silver color television. I knew that he loved that television so I gave it to her. She then started looking on the walls at our artwork and immediately told her that I was keeping everything we purchased as a couple. While she was at my home getting Eugene’s things together Peggy, Hoyte, William and his lover Mike were downstairs to support me. I handed Connie Eugene’s car keys and told her to take his car as well. It was going to be repossessed because after Eugene lost his job he couldn’t afford to pay the car note. Right before she was about to get in the car I took my cd books from the trunk and told her the rest of his belongings in the car were all his. When I grabbed my cds I could tell she had an issue with it but I didn’t care. My mine was focused on getting everything I could to her so I wouldn’t need to have her come back over for anything. Before she was about to leave she asked would I write a poem to go in his obituary. I was flattered that she asked me that and also shocked that she knew I was a writer. Apparently Eugene must have informed her of my writing. There was a spark in my heart when she said that and I felt I needed to repay the gesture. I offered to give her $500 towards the arrangements. I wrote out a check and told her if she needed anymore help from me to just call. I saw her tearing up and felt that she was trying to hold it together. Then all of a sudden the moment was killed when she said… “I want you to be in the service but not a lot of people knew that Eugene was gay. I want to make sure my brother is respected so would you mind if I changed your first name to a female name but keep your last name. I just want people to think he was with a woman and not a man.” It took every single bit of strength I had not to jump over the bed to grab her neck. I could just picture Jane Fonda on “Monster-In-Law” when she had her nervous breakdown while interviewing the airheaded pop singer. “I would rather not be in the program if I can’t be who I am. I was his partner and I was here with him for almost 10 years. I was already hurt by the fact that I couldn’t even give the ambulance permission to take his body because we were a gay couple.” I managed to stay calm and express my feelings without allowing the angry to rise to the surface. She nodded her head and said she would call me later to go over the arrangements. She apologized for asking me something so stupid but I figured that it wouldn’t get any better than that and I was right. After she left I broke down, Peggy and William were there to embrace me and get me through it. They both told me that I was so strong to be able to get things taken care of the way I was so soon after his death. I just knew in my heart I had to do this because I didn’t want the back and forth between me and his family to last any longer than it needed to. By that weekend I was out shopping and enjoying the fact that I decided to stay in the townhouse. While I was out shopping Connie called and said that I needed to write out another check because the one I gave her was wrong and they wouldn’t let her cash it. She then went on to say that I should write it out to a friend of hers that was helping her with the arrangements. I felt uneasy by that statement because I knew the funds were in the bank and I have been writing checks for year. Why would she have an issue cashing the check? I called Jennings and told him what Connie had just told me. His response was exactly how I was feeling. He felt that she was trying to get more money out of me because she thought that Eugene and I had a lot of cash and she also thought I had an insurance policy out on him. At one point I did have Eugene under me as my beneficiary and I also had life insurance on him. He told me to take him off because it was taking too much money out of my check. While I was shopping I decided to call the bank and when I called the bank I found out that the check was being processed. It dawned on me what was happening. She tried to work me on her side against her brothers because she knew I wouldn’t talk to any of them. So when I realized what she was trying to do I cancelled the check and made up my mind to cancel any further dealings with his family. I came to the conclusion that I took care of Eugene for almost 10 years and they not once helped me out. They never came to our home and they never supported their brother. So now that he needs to be laid to rest I felt it best that they work together and do that for him. I couldn’t deal with anymore of their drama and sneakiness. After I cancelled the check I started getting threatening messages from Connie. She stated that I was there when Eugene died and I didn’t do anything to help him. She said that the pictures on the walls were all Eugene’s, that all of the cds in the car were his, she said that the movies downstairs in the living room were all his. She went on and on with these crazy allegations. At the time I was spending the night at Peggy’s and the service wasn’t good in her area so I didn’t get all 14 of her harassing phone messages until I was on my way home. I attempted to end the bad blood once and for all. I called her back and told her to stop calling my phone with the negativity. I told her that what she was doing wasn’t honoring the memory of her baby brother. I also told her that what I gave her was all she was going to get and I would prefer that she stopped calling me. Her response was negative and I wasn’t surprised that she would keep this childishness going. I stopped listening to them and stopped answering them. A few nights later I decided that I was going to the authorities to have her charged with deformation, harassment, and terroristic threats. I actually went to the Gwinnett County police department and got all of the necessary paperwork to file against her. Not to mention the fact that of Eugene’s death Connie and Jimmy took what they thought was a box of Eugene’s. The box contained my personal belongings and not to mention my passport. I called the officer that was first on the scene the night of Eugene’s death and he told me I would have to file a claim and take her to small claims court. That entire day I was researching how I could get her for what she did. By the end of the day I was exhausted with such vengeance and hate. I never ever hated anyone before but I found out how toxic hatred could be. I thought of nothing more than to ruin her. I even imagined going to her house, breaking in and getting back my belongings, and then set the house on fire. I didn’t feel like me at all, there was this bitter and angry entity taking over my mind and my heart. I couldn’t shake it to save my life. I continued to listen to the messages through the night and it only fueled the hatred building up in me. My therapist had given me a sleep aide to keep me from staying up all night. I took two pills instead of one and I prayed that it would just put me into a deep slumber so that I could rest my entire being. I was so awful and I felt every negative emotion that I fought over my life and I was not pleased with how I was feeling. I was going out and drinking more, I was looking for a man every night I went out to just feel something other than the pain I was struggling with. Having sex felt like I was taking back control of my life, I picked the men, I picked when I wanted them, and I told them when to leave. I just needed to have something other than grief around. This night I didn’t feel like leaving the house. I felt that if I got in my car I would actually go over to Connie’s and God only knows what I would have done. Eventually the pills kicked in and I fell asleep. I don’t know what time it was when I finally felt it kick in but I was so happy to feel my eyes getting heavy. That night I had a dream about Eugene and I. In the dream Eugene came home and we embraced. In the dream he was just gone and everyone thought that he’d died. I remember him looking at my cell phone and getting upset that he saw another man calling me. I told him that I thought he was dead and I tried to move on with my life. He smiled and understood what I did and why I had to do it. While he was unpacking his bags his phone started ringing. I picked up the phone and saw that it was Connie calling him. I told him that he needed to talk to Connie because he was harassing me and she accused me of killing him. He said that he was staying away from her because he didn’t need that drama so soon after coming back home. He leaned in to kiss me and then we held one another. When I woke up my heart was at ease. The anger that I was feeling was no longer there. I remembered taking my phone off of the charger to delete the messages Connie left and to my surprise they were all deleted. I know for a fact that I didn’t touch them and they had only been in my phone for less than a week. I saved every message she left me and now they were gone. I looked up towards the sky and I said…”Damn Eugene you are still taking care of me. Thank you and I am so sorry to have allowed those feelings to get the best of me.” I took one last look at that box sitting in my spare room in my new apartment and I thought to myself, “It’s not time to get rid of it yet.” I knew I still had to slowly separate my future from my past and now that I had this new found sense of peace I didn’t want to upset it by moving too fast towards closure.