How I Became Me Chapter 15

Tammy: “Who should tell Ma about Rick?” Me: “I don’t think we should tell her. She’s going through chemotherapy and this cancer is already draining her, if we tell her about Rick that will be too much for her to take.” Mitch: “That’s her son and she needs to know.” Tammy: “If we don’t tell her she would never forgive us.” Me: “I can risk her being angry at us if it means she survives her fight with cancer. She needs to be supported with seeing us working together. This will just tear her up. She lost Brenda when she was an infant and then she had a miscarriage. If we tell her about Rick she will stop fighting.” Mitch: “That’s not right…she needs to know about what happened.” Then there was silence. I was out voted and outnumbered. My feelings were not taken into account. Our mother was fighting her most difficult battle and my older siblings disagreed with me about keeping Rick’s passing from her until we knew for sure her condition. The doctor said she was dying but we never truly allowed ourselves to give up. My mother is a true woman of God and she made us all believe in the power of prayer and faith. I prayed more than I’d ever prayed in my life and I truly believed that things can work out if you allow yourself to see past the negativity and embrace the impossible. I had to believe that after what I experienced with Rick. When I arrived home after checking on Rick and threatening to drag him to the hospital if he wasn’t feel well the next day there was just something around me that didn’t seem right. I got home and ate dinner with Eugene. He kept asking me was I all right because I was spacing out and I couldn’t concentrate. When we went to bed I told Eugene, “I think something may be wrong with Rick that he isn’t saying.” Eugene asked what I meant by that and I said, “The way he said he loved me…it was different. I can’t explain it but it was different.” I made up my mind that I was going to take him to the hospital regardless of what he said. Something in me just pushed past the surfacing fear and I went to sleep. That next morning I went to work and as soon as I sat at my desk my cell phone went off. Me: “Hello.” Tonya: “I’m over here at Rick’s and I can’t get in.” Tonya was a co-worker of Ricks and a great friend to him. Rick had become close to her, her two boys, and her husband. She was aware that Rick wasn’t feeling good and we organized a schedule to watch over him to see if he was getting better or not. The night I left Rick’s I hide my copy of his key under the angel near the entrance to the building connected to his upstairs apartment. I knew that Tonya would be stopping by before she went to work. Me: “I placed my key under his angel. Once you check on him Tonya, if he isn’t any better call the ambulance and then call me back.” Tonya: “Ok…I’ll call you once I check on him.” As I went on with starting my day I just had this nagging feeling that wouldn’t leave. I remember catching myself just staring at my cell phone. I just knew it was about to ring and Tonya was going to tell me she came in and saw Rick cleaning up and feeling better. Rather I hoped that was what I would hear when she called, but I heard something extremely different than my positive outcome. Me: “What’s wrong Tonya?” Tonya: “Rick says he can’t breathe…I already called the ambulance and they are almost here.” Me: “Call me when you find out what hospital they are taking him to. I’m leaving work and I’m going to get Dennis, then we’ll meet you there. Tonya: “Ok…” Tonya was crying uncontrollably and I could fear the terror in her voice. I knew it all too well because that was the feeling I had from the night before. I started beating myself up about not just grabbing him and taking him to the hospital last night. Why wouldn’t I just do what I felt in my heart was the right thing to do? How could I allow him to sleep over night feeling the way he did? When he told me he loved me I felt that it wasn’t the same. I knew there was something different about the way it was said to me but I was trying to think positive and I couldn’t imagine anything serious. Jake lived too far out and there was no time to try to get to him. I called Dennis and told him what was going on and instantly he said he was getting off of work. I picked Dennis up and we started driving towards where Rick lived. I wasn’t sure where they would be taking him yet, but I knew that there were a few hospitals near his home. Shortly after getting on 285 South I got the call from Tonya telling me the hospital. I drove faster than I have ever driven. We got to Emory University and as I was pulling in I got another call from Tonya telling me where I could park. As we pulled in I saw her pulling out. We rushed to the emergency room and was asked several questions about Rick’s health, his life, what did he eat, what did he drink, was he on any medication…etc I remember sitting there as if I were watching a movie and I was the main character. I couldn’t think past the night before and I just couldn’t accept that my brother was just brought into the emergency room and they were unsure of what was causing him the issues of not breathing, making his body temperature become so hot, and by the time he got to the emergency room they weren’t able to talk to him because he was unconscious. After I finished the questions and the paperwork the nurse told me that Rick put me down as his emergency contact so I was the only one allowed to come back to the room to see him. Dennis was trying to keep it together but I could see him losing it as the minutes flew by. One of the emergency room doctors guided me to the room they held Rick in. When I started walking towards his room I could feel myself growing younger and younger with every step. I felt so out of place and so unprepared for what I was about to face. I remember grabbing hold of my charm that hung from my neck as if it gave me power. The charm was purchased on our first trip to Tybee Island. It had such sentimental value and I needed that special love that the charm represented between Rick and me to get me through these terrifying moments. When I walked in I saw the nurses and doctors frantically moving around checking machines, asking each other questions, checking temperatures, checking his fluids… It was such a scary thing and here I was standing there helpless and terrified at the idea that I couldn’t save my brother. I remember hearing one of the doctors saying that he most likely could hear me. So I walked over and grabbed Rick’s hand. The warmth of his hand soothed my fears and instantly calmed me down and made me feel the strength I needed to get through this. At that moment it felt like Rick was giving me some of his soul and supporting me through yet another difficult hurdle in my life. The doctors started asking me questions and the answers leaped from my lips and at one point I felt like I was a doctor. I called out things I noticed about his condition and then asked the most terrifying question I thought I would ever ask about any one of my siblings…”Is he going to make it?” The doctor looked me in my eyes and told me they weren’t sure. They couldn’t describe what was wrong with him and why his body was shutting down. I told them about the night before, I told them about his fall, I told them about what medications I noticed on Rick’s nightstand when I went to see him. I gave as much information as I could possible share at the time. After about 30 minutes of shots, beeps, questions, fears, talking to Rick and begging him to squeeze my hand and to fight whatever this was in his body the doctors told me that they had to move him to intensive care. As I walked back out to the admittance room I saw Dennis on the phone. He’d called Jake and then Barry to tell them what was going on. I sat beside him and he handed me the phone so I could talk to Jake. Jake: “Baby boy be strong…God I wish I was there with you. I know this is hard but Rick is a fighter so don’t you forget to pray and think positive. I love you baby boy…If I can get a ride there I will be on my way as soon as I can. I love you.” Me: “I love you to Jake. I’m waiting for them to put him in a room and I’ll call you once I find out what’s going on. Once I hung up with Jake I just sat there in a daze. I could feel the world changing with every strike of the hour hand from the clock overhead. Dennis was crying uncontrollably and I couldn’t share in his emotions because I had to be strong. I couldn’t stop believing that this was going to somehow work out and Rick was going to be home soon. I kept telling myself I would get him home, get him well, and curse his ass out for scaring us like this. I couldn’t stop believing he was all right because I just knew God couldn’t take away my love, my friend, my brother, my twin…my everything. After Dennis calmed down I told him what I told the doctors and shared with him what the doctors told me. Dennis got back on the phone to talk with Barry and I got on the phone and called Eugene to tell him what was going on. At this time Eugene had a new job selling shoes for warehouses and hospitals. His job had him traveling a lot so he wasn’t always home. He kept telling me to pray and believe, just as Jake told me. I knew in my heart that this was on me and I was not going to give up on my brother. By the time the doctors came to get us I’d called everyone in the family and told them what was going on. At this time Peggy was still not speaking to Tammy and then I found out that she wasn’t talking to anyone but me. What was happening in our family now was more important than their childishness so I ignored the parts of the conversation that had nothing to do with the fact that Rick was in intensive care. Tammy, Pete, and Arnold said that they were on their way to Atlanta to help me so that made me feel better. Dennis was in and out of the building trying to find a way to deal but failing miserably. He was going through what I truly had going on inside. I just knew I couldn’t break because if I did I wouldn’t recover. Hours felt like seconds and the day turned into night. The doctors were still stumped and no one could tell me precisely what the issue was. Shortly before the family came the doctor told me that there was blood filling Rick’s brain and they had to go in and relieve it, but couldn’t do it without my consent, I signed the form and told them to save my brother. No action was too much and unnecessary. If I could love by sharing my heart with Rick I would gladly lay on the table next to him. It was a strange revelation but the fear of Rick not making it made me realize that if he was to leave I would be totally alone. I loved him more than I could explain and here I am faced with the possibility that he was being taken away from me. I became who I am because of his undying love and faith in me. I loved him unconditionally and I couldn’t imagine taking a breath if he wasn’t able to anymore. It didn’t seem fair that he was going through this when I was the one that fought my life for so long. I constantly made bad decisions and went down the wrong path and yet here I am praying that Rick’s life is spared when for so long I never imagined living past 18 years of age. The next morning everyone was at the hospital except for Peggy, Junior, and Mitch. Peggy stayed in Aiken to be with our mother, Junior was waiting for a plane to get to us, and Mitch was in Columbia with his wife and no reason why he wasn’t here helping us get through this ordeal. Though the moment was a tragic one it felt great to see how we all were there for each other. Everyone was taking turns sitting with Rick, when one of us broke down there were sibling pulling them away to allow them their moment. I couldn’t breakdown, I had too much to do, too many decisions to make, I couldn’t let Rick down no matter the outcome. At one point we all decided to stay out of Rick’s room until we could get our emotions together. Every time one of them would go to see him they would fall apart. We sat around and started talking about how we would take care of Rick once he was released. There was moment where I felt that everything was going to be fine and we were going to have a serious story to tell in the near future. As I sat looking at my siblings I saw their eyes, their facial expressions, none of them believed that this would end badly. I saw them smiling, laughing, make crazy jokes to life each other out of the sadness. I could feel the love circulating in the waiting room but I couldn’t share it with them. As I sat thinking about everything there was this moment I felt as though Rick came to me and held me for the last time. The tears that were building up went away, I had this calmness, this sense of acceptance, and I knew at that moment without really realizing it that Rick was gone. What lay in that hospital bed; was his vessel but his soul was right there in the waiting room. I could feel him holding my hand and telling me how proud he was at my strength, the way I was able to handle what was being said to me by the hospital staff. I knew without knowing that my brother was gone. A few minutes before the doctor was due to come out Jake went into the room alone. Tammy went in to be with him and I followed. When we walked in Jake just stood looking at Rick as if he realized that this would be the last time. Jake turned 8 years old right at that moment. He grabbed Rick’s hand and started telling Rick to wake up; Jake took Rick’s hand and placed it on his head telling Rick to just wake up. My heart felt like it was being pressed by a steam roller. I could see Jake and Rick as children playing, riding their bikes to Edgefield to get some money from our Aunt Ruth so that we could eat and the bills would be paid. Over the years Rick and Jake were placed in adult roles way before their time. This was the first time I experienced them as children, seeing the childhood they never had because our father didn’t do what he was meant to, so they had to step up and have stepped up ever since. I realized the divide in the family and understood clearly why they were the way they turned out. I took my hand and told Jake to let Rick go. I told Jake that he’s gone but he is still with us. Jake wouldn’t accept it until Tammy hugged him and told him that Rick was gone. At that moment Jake brought harder than I’ve ever seen him break. He finally accepted the truth and I could feel that pressure on my heart lift. It was over. There was no more need to fake our feelings; it was only time to look at what was. My brother was gone, little me was gone forever; I had to grow up and become even stronger than I imagined. I had to make the hard decisions and I had to take the biggest risks because that was who I was meant to be. Me: “Ok…I’ll tell her.” Pete and Jake escorted our mother from her bedroom. She walked with all of her strength, holding her oxygen mask and looking less and less like the strong woman we grew up looking at. She was no longer the hard woman that cried a few times in her life, the strong woman that survived abuse, neglect, being lied on, being talked about, and not being appreciated for all that she did. Right now she was a woman staying around because she felt that her kids needed her and she never ever let her children down. She sacrificed everything she was to be a mother and motherhood was her crowning achievement, but today I was placed in a position to push her over a cliff that she barely survived before. Me: “Mom…I have something to tell you and I want you to just breathe and listen to me. It isn’t good news but we have to let you know. A few weeks after we lasted visited you Rick got sick. Shortly after that Rick had to go to the hospital… Mom: “Where is Rick? Where is my Rick?” Fighting back the flood that was raging behind my stoic expression I had to complete what I started and I had to do it the way she would have done it for us. Me: “Rick didn’t make it. Ricked died Saturday.” As the words left my lips Jake just dropped and sobbed behind me. Pete and Mitch had to carry him outside so that our mother wouldn’t take the emotions of the room. I wanted her to hear it and at the same time see that her kids were standing strong together. She was so weak she couldn’t muster the strength to shed a tear. Me: “Mom I want you to look at me. We are here and we are standing together. Yes this is horrible and painful but you taught us to be strong. Right now I want you to be strong, not for us, but for you. Rick would want you to fight this and not give into what you are feeling now. You raised us to face things head on and we are. We took care of Rick and we will take care of everything else just like you taught us to. We’re here and you don’t ever forget that. She gave me this look that sticks with me until this day. It was a look of excruciating but it also was a look of pride and love. No matter what was to come past this day she knew at that moment her kids got it, they learned, they saw all she had to sacrifice and they were finally showing it. Even in her darkest moments she still worried about her children. That night Junior was brought to Aiken by Eugene. While in the back yard talking I could hear Eugene’s truck pull up. Instantly I ran to the back door and as I took the first step Junior burst out of the house and scooped me up and I finally let go all of the pain I was burying. I couldn’t hold it anymore and I finally had everyone there. I did what I promised Rick I would do, I would be strong for him, I would take point and assure that everything was done the way he wanted. I brought us all together and I made sure that our mom understood that we are strong and we are going to fight this together. The next morning I woke up before everyone else and I drove to the funeral home. I made all of Rick’s arrangements. I wrote out the program, his obituary, and chose that he would be cremated because those were his wishes. While sitting across from Mrs. Jackson finalizing the arrangements Tammy called. Tammy: “Where are you?” Me: “At the funeral home finishing up Rick’s memorial. Tammy: “Why did you go by yourself?” Me: “Because I wanted to get this part out of the way.” Tammy: “Did you ask mom what she wanted to do?” Me: “No! I think we did enough yesterday telling her that her child died. No way in hell I was going to sit with her and ask her to plan his funeral. I knew what Rick wanted and I’m taking care of it.” I hung up the phone and finished planning my brother’s memorial. It irritated me how so many people can give advice but when it came to handling the difficult work no one could step up. Everyone was against me keeping that Rick died from our mother but no one was strong enough to tell her. Now they want me to wake my mother up and tell her to plan her son’s funeral. I just had this disgust in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t believe that all of this time I was actually believing that we were working together. I had to do what I promised and I didn’t care what anyone had to say. The service was beautiful and so many people came. Dennis and I sung “It’s So Hard to Say Good-Bye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men. The entire room was filled with family and friends. The love was strong and it kept me strong. After the pastor spoke he looked at me and told me, “You have made your family proud.” I stood up and closed the service by saying, “First of all we would like to thank you all for coming and saying good-bye to Rick. There are no words to describe the way we feel right now. I can’t imagine what I’m going to do tomorrow when I wake up because my day started and ended with hearing my brother’s voice. Our family has suffered through some serious tragedies in our lives. We have lost a lot of loved ones over the years. I couldn’t imagine trying to console someone that shared my life. What I can say though is that our mother and father made us strong and it’s through that strength I stand here and say that though he is gone, he will never be forgotten and we will cherish his memory and keep his love around us forever.” -Good-bye Rick, you were an angel on earth and now you have received your wings. As we departed a beautiful yellow butterfly flew over our heads. It actually went from sibling to sibling and then it flew away. I smiled as I saw it get further and further away. I looked around me and then back up at the sky and said…”Thanks for stopping by Rick. I’ll see you soon.”