How I Became Me Chapter 4

It felt at the time like I was shackled to South Carolina. Every idea of escape seemed impossible and I couldn’t figure out where I wanted to go even if I had a chance to leave. I once was a Big Brother in the Brothers & Sisters Organization, we did a lot of getaways and one getaway was in Atlanta. The Big Brothers all went on a weekend trip which was a blast. When I was in Bamberg Job Corps I went to Atlanta and stayed at the Swissotel during an academic contest between my job corps and another one from which I don’t remember. I was in the English & Writing category. I missed 3 out of 15 but we did pretty well. There was this taste of Atlanta in me but I never thought I would be able to go. Years back when my brother in the NAVY was stationed out of Virginia he wanted me to move there to be with him and my nephew but my mom and dad said no. I was heartbroken because that was a way to get out. Initially I was angry at them both but in time I realized that my mom didn’t want to miss those early years of my growing up. Eventually things changed from the incident that night when my father attacked my mom. We moved out and moved in with our oldest sister and my mom’s oldest daughter. In time things seemed to be going well and life seemed to start making sense…well that depended on what time of day or day of the week you asked me. Without realizing it I was a walking zombie. I stayed up every night and slept during the day. Eventually I got to the point that I was so programmed to do the same thing over and over again I couldn’t remember anything that happened in between those moments. Things that most people paid attention to I missed because my inside frustrations took over and there was nothing I could do to break free. I felt myself succumbing to it and I was so tired of fighting it. One day while I was hanging out with my little brother, nephews, and our friends my oldest sister walked up to me and hugged me. She asked me what was wrong with me. I looked at her with a blank look on my face as if I didn’t know what she meant. Though deep inside I was screaming that I hate this life and I am so tired of being here and I needed help. I just gave my politician smile and said I was fine. My sister asked me to walk with her and as we walked she started saying how she could see that I was depressed and that I looked so unhappy. My sister has moved away from home several times. One of those times I moved with her. We moved to Columbia South Carolina and lived in a Motel 6. It had very short moments of happiness but the remainder of our time was hellish. We experienced being practically poor. We had no food, not enough clothes between me and my nephew. My sister and her husband at the time worked at The Sheraton and Cracker Barrel. Some nights all I had to eat to get by was candy and whatever my brother-in-law brought back from the hotel. Eventually after eating so much candy I had cavities that felt like knives in my gums. My nephew and I swapped clothes back and forth, it was a limited selection and kids at school recognized it. We never had enough money to do anything but pay to be in the room. My hair was so thick and difficult to manage it started looking like it changed from the texture of hair to wool. Though I was an honor student I hated every moment of my life there. It was worse than a prison but I felt like I had to make the best of the situation for my nephew. Eventually things went to hell and never regained its steam. My brother-in-law was a known crack head and somehow he managed to find some fellow crack heads at the hotel. One night he came home late and obviously drunk. My nephew and I were already in bed going to sleep when he came in. At first he started talking loud and my sister kept telling him to be quiet so that we could sleep. Then it went to him making crazy jokes. My sister continued to remind him that we were trying to sleep. After a brief moment of quiet he came to our bed and started taunting my nephew. He started teasing my nephew saying that he always cried to his mommy. It went on and on, so I knew eventually it would get to a climax. My sister got out of bed and told him to leave my nephew alone and that’s when all hell broke loose. He started man handling my sister, he started pushing on my nephew, he then jumped on my sister and they fell on the bed. My nephew and I were trying our best to pull him off of her. Not only was he too strong for us, he was also high on crack. Eventually the struggling ceased and then my sister told us to get our things so that we could leave. While we started packing he started throwing things at us to keep us from running to the door. He rushed towards my sister and I pulled out a butter knife. He stopped coming towards my sister and came face to face with me. All I could hear was my nephew and sister crying out to me not to stab him. I could feel the anger building up inside of me. All I could think was if I didn’t stop him we wouldn’t make it out of this room alive. There was no way in hell we could take him down and then call the cops. This man was 6 feet tall and we were babies compared to him. While we were having our face off my nephew managed to get out of the room. Once the door was open we all ran out with him right behind us. It was a cold and rainy night but in the heat of what was going on we didn’t notice the weather or the temperature. He came towards my sister and my nephew started curing at him to get his attention. Once he got it he tried to run to get him to chase him but he slipped because of the rain. He was headed towards my nephew and I grabbed a 2”4” and taunted him to come towards me. He started walking in my direction while my sister went to tend to my nephew. As he walked towards me he started saying that he was tired of me and he was going to beat my ass. When he got in range I swung the board and it hit him on the arm. It didn’t seem to faze him at all. He walked closer and I swung again, this time I struck him in his face. He toppled back and then reached out and grabbed the board. He pushed me to the window of the next room. A guest opened the door and my brother-in-law went back in the room and closed the door. It was finally over and we were drenched and tired. My sister went to the front desk and called a friend to pick us up. We moved out of the room and in with my sister’s friend’s house. Shortly after moving in with them I decided to move back to Aiken. After that memory I realized that even though it was hell, it was still away. I just needed to get away. That night while I started drifting to sleep I felt something crawling on my nose. I fanned it away and then turned over. I felt something crawling in my ear and I jumped up. To my surprise it was my brother from Atlanta home for a visit. Once my eyes completed their focus I jumped into his arms and cried like a baby. I was as if I was rescued from a kidnapper. It was so great to see him. This brother was the one that taught us kung fu, started us using our imaginations when playing, and also started us loving music. He moved away when he was young because of the dysfunction in our household. Though the 4 younger siblings saw a lot of violence, the 6 older siblings saw far worse than we did. Growing up we were always so angry that they moved away but as we got older we realized why they did. His visit always made the hell before he came go away. As soon as he leaved it would all come back to us. This visit was different though. My sister called him and told him what I was going through in Aiken and he came to get me. My eyes started tearing as he talked to me about understanding how I was feeling and how confused I was. He said he knew that I needed to get away and that I had so much talent wasting away. It was as if he read my journal to me. While he talked I could see his story in his eyes. I could only imagine the horrors they saw growing up with an abusive and alcoholic father. No child should ever have those types of memories resting in their psyche. There are some things that just never go away and then there are those things that make you run. I knew at that moment when he uttered the words “I’m taking you back with me” my journey was starting and it was time for me to be me and be happy about it. That wall started to lose its strength, the blocks started shaking and the foundation no longer felt solid. I could feel my heart beating stronger, my mind started racing, and eyes started seeing through the shroud that surrounded my imagination for the last year and a half. All I knew was at this point my life was going to change.