How I Became Me Chapter 16

The drive back home from Aiken was a blur to me. I just remember getting behind the wheel and driving without having any idea of what was happening around me. Eugene had to leave right after the service because of his job so Junior and Dennis rode back with me. I was evidently speeding, driving 101MPH when a highway patrol officer pulled me over. When he told me how fast I was driving I realized that I was not all together there. I explained to him what had just happened in our family and that I was not aware that I was driving so recklessly. The officer was very nice and said he understood; he wrote the ticket and dropped the speed limit I was driving down to 80 in a 70. I felt that I was still being watched over because I could have easily run off of the road or caused some sort of accident without knowing. After dropping Dennis off at his apartment I drove to the airport where I saw Junior off. Getting home felt so excruciating. My regular routine after coming back from visiting Aiken would be to chill with Rick while we talked about Aiken and whatever else we thought about. He was my every day and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to cope without him. I thought back to the night after the service where the entire family met at Tammy’s house. Everyone stood around talking about Rick and about things they did when they were young. I felt so detached from everyone. I was surrounded by family but felt like I was the only one in the space we occupied that didn’t belong. Dennis and Jake told everyone that they would look after me to make sure I didn’t feel alone. For the longest time it was just Rick and I. Dennis wouldn’t call or hangout with Rick, Jake would talk to Rick off and on but would never stay consistently in contact. The issue my family had was they never let go of the past. The past issues were always new because no one would move on. Rick was fed up with explaining to Jake why he moved to New York when they were young. It was far more depressing to hold on to things that couldn’t change, but after doing it so long they didn’t see a way around it. Rick and I had a different outlook and a different approach. We accepted what was and left our hearts open for what was to be. My conversations with Rick were always powerful and thought provoking. I always hungered for that stimulating conversation. We had the same sense of humor and at times I would be shocked at how we spoke what the other was thinking. I’d never experienced being in tuned to any until I was old enough to be around Rick. Rick always told me the story about a visit to Aiken when I was 8 years old. He said he saw that maturity in my eyes even when I was a baby. On that visit he said we sat under a tree and had a conversation. Rick said he was amazed at how deep I was as a child. It hurt his heart deeply to leave knowing that I was suffering so badly with all I had to deal with. He felt guilty that he never took me away from Aiken. Moving to Atlanta was the smartest decision I ever made. It brought me out of a dark place I felt trapped in and it also freed Rick from that guilt. He had the chance to see that I was all right. He saw that his leaving inspired me to want to break away from Aiken when it was my time. I told him constantly that I never hated him for leaving; I just missed him growing up. I went through so many emotional obstacles with no one to talk to about them. When I was old enough to share my feelings with Rick we were surprised at how parallel our lives were. The crazy things I did to cope with feeling unhappy all of the time. The ways I would withdraw and get lost in my own head when things were at their darkest. Even how we lost our virginity was similar. Rick was by far the greatest person I ever had the privilege to know and love. We would have our fall outs but we would be right back on track that next day or often the same day. We never ended our conversation without saying I love you and we never stopped worrying about one another. Our biggest dream was in the near future we would move to New York together and just have the life we always wanted. After Rick died I had a dream that I moved to New York in this amazing apartment. In the dream I was unpacking and decided to stop and get something to eat. I remember seeing an apartment in front of mine when I opened my apartment door. As I turned to lock up I heard the door to the other apartment open and when I turned it was Rick. We both were shocked that we saw one another. In the dream we didn’t know either of us moved to New York and moved into the same apartment building. When I woke from the dream I cried but it wasn’t tears of pain, it was tears of happiness. In reality I could see that being our story if Rick was still here. We were too much alike for it to happen any other way. Lying on the couch I just spaced out from time to time. Eugene called several times that day making sure I was all right. Junior called once he made it to New York and the rest of the family said that mom was very quiet and not really engaging in much conversation. For the service we blew up one of Rick’s pictures and placed it next to the urn that held his ashes. I was told that Tammy sat the picture in the room with her because she wanted to look at her child. My heart just broke more and more knowing that if my life was lost after Rick’s death, I couldn’t even place my emotions in the ball park of where my mother’s life was. All I could think about was me telling her he died and the look on her face. It angered me still because I felt that we could have made her remaining days with us more pleasant than to tell her something so devastating. There was a huge part of me that felt guilty for breaking her spirit. As long as she knew her kids were fine she would have strength because her children brought her that. Just having most of us not speaking to one another would hurt her, to know she lost yet another child could only have been the last straw. Before leaving I sat with her and just rubbed her hands. She was so quiet and I felt her energy becoming less and less. I gave her a big kiss and told her I loved her. It seemed that I became use to that empty feeling. Tragedy was something that was now a part of my emotional makeup. I couldn’t see happiness beyond this existence. All I saw was more darkness, darker than the life I lived growing up in Aiken. That fear of death looming over ever moment I felt I wanted to laugh or try to have fun. Having to tell your dying mother that her son died before her is something that hardens your heart and dampens your spirit. After a week of mindless wandering I decided to go back to work. The night before Junior and I were on the phone talking about everything that happened and how things were going to be so different. At the end of the conversation Junior told me to cut off my phone and get some sleep. Junior was angry that the rest of our siblings chickened out on telling our mother about Rick. He was so angry that they were against me not telling her but when the decision was final that we should no one was brave enough to go through with it. Junior knew how much I carried and how I was always the one being called on for everything. He also knew that Dennis and Jake wouldn’t be there for me like they said they would be. It’s crazy but I knew after hearing them say that they were going to come around more and we were going to do more as a family, it wasn’t true because up until Rick passed I hadn’t really talked to Jake or Dennis that often. Now that Rick is gone I knew I only had my best friends Jennings and William. Jennings was always by my side through anything I was going through. William joined the circle about 5 years later. He fit in as if he’d been there the entire time. So though my brothers wouldn’t step up to be there I knew I had brotherhood elsewhere in my life. I took Junior’s advice and cut my phone off. For the first time in a while I went to sleep and actually slept through the night. That next morning driving to work I realized that I didn’t get a morning call from you Eugene. I immediately got worried because he was complaining that his gout was flaring up on him the night before. I then realized that I turned my phone off the night before and forgot to turn it back on. Once the phone came on I reached 4 voicemail messages. There were three from Eugene and one from Jake. I called Eugene to let him know that I was fine and that I cut my phone off the night before to get some sleep. Eugene said he would be home by the time I got off of work. Then I checked the message from Jake. It was short and just said for me to call. I checked the time of the call and it was around 5 that morning. So I called Jake to see what was going on. Jake: “Hey baby boy, I wanted to try to get to you but the car is acting up. I didn’t want to talk on the phone. I could hear a tremble in his voice so I imagined it was about missing Rick and I was glad that he decided to call me when he was feeling those emotions. I could really have a cry out with someone about missing him. Me: “Oh I know, I went to sleep last night and I just cut my phone off so I could sleep through the night. How are you feeling? There was silence for a moment as I could hear Jake struggling to compose his tone in order to talk. As I was about to tell him I understood what he was going through Jake begun to tell me what he was calling me for. Jake: “Are you driving right now?” Me: “I was but I can pull over.” I pulled over in front of what looked like vacant office buildings to my right and a construction site to my left. I figured that Jake was ready to unload his emotions and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t distracted while he was talking. Jake: “Tammy called me last night and told me that mom passed away. She was very weak earlier that day and wouldn’t eat or sleep. Tammy said that she called the nurse and the nurse stayed with her until she passed.” I was quiet and I couldn’t respond. My entire body became numb. It was like I drunk a quart of nova cane and it killed all of the nerves in my body. I was in like a trance, like I was hypnotized and my body was no longer in my control. Jake: “Are you there?” “Are you holding up?” Me: “I’m all right…I’m heading to the job now but I got to tell them I need to leave again.” Jake: “I’m so sorry I can’t be there with you…don’t drive if you are feeling upset.” Through his crying he was still concerned with my wellbeing. I could feel his genuine worry for me. Between the two of us Jake may have been older but he couldn’t handle tragedy well. Jake became responsible for all of his younger and older siblings when he was just a child. That type of responsibility changes you and then when you become older to see your sibling out on their own it’s hard to be supportive as a brother when you feel more like their parent instead. I knew he was more concerned about me than he was about his self. When I stated that my brothers wouldn’t step up to support me and allow us to support one another since Rick passed was because of how different we all handled grief. Jake will avoid it, he will stay busy, he’ll increase his workout routine, and smoke enough weed to drift off into another world. Dennis will withdraw completely from what happened and start dwelling on things to distract his mind on what was going on. We are all so different when it comes to handling our emotions. I thanked God continuously that I had the chance to share so many years with Rick and to have someone that would allow me to express my feelings and express their feelings to me. That was a bond that could not be replaced and now that he’s gone this need for that support was greater than they’d ever been before. It felt like he’d placed his arms around me as I drove to work. I walked through the building and saw all of the concerned faces. I saw their urge to want to run and hug me, but I knew I was generating the energy for people to keep their distance. I just had in my mind that I needed to get in and tell my boss about my mom and then leave. I couldn’t stay any longer past that. My friend Angel at the time knew where I was emotionally so she guarded from being trampled by my other friends. I knew that it was coming from a place of genuine concern but I just didn’t want to lose it right there in the office. I managed to tell my manager the circumstances and he immediately told me to go home but to take a breather before I jumped back in my car. Angel walked me out and wouldn’t let me leave until I looked calm in her eyes. She sat outside with me until I was able to comprehend everything that was happening. I hugged her and thanked her for being there for me. I jumped in the car and called Eugene to tell him what happened. I could hear the pain in his voice because he really loved my mother. He wanted to make sure I was fine and like I’d told everyone that entire day, “I’m all right.” Though those words left my lips, I knew that the truth was I would never be all right again.