How I Became Me Chapter 10

The relationship with Stewart didn’t last long at all. It seemed that dating me was greater when I was dealing with the issues I had with Henry but once he was out of my life the heat became so cold that my heart was frost bitten. He had a lot of other issues going on with him though. I found out that his courtesy officer gig supplied him a free apartment which he housed his supposed ex boyfriend. Once that was discovered I decided to send him on his way. My life this second time around in Atlanta has been anything but boring, but at a cost to my belief in love and longevity. I was running on empty emotionally. So far I dated a man that loved kids way too much and now may spend the rest of his life in prison, I met a man that loved younger guys and once I reached my expiration date he said I was too young for him, I dated a cop that was so weak to his ex that he sacrificed his future relationships with his devotion for him, after him I dated Cedric from Alabama. It was a cold night in Atlanta, Rick and I went out to have a good time. We went to our favorite spot, “The Palace” where we were regulars. While dancing on the dance floor I was approached by this tall and cute guy. He asked me if he could talk to me once I was done talking. Before I could respond Rick told me to go on and talk to him. So I walked with him and we sat at a table near the bar. He introduced his self as Cedric and that he was noticing me from the moment I walked through the door. He asked me if Rick and I were twins because we look exactly alike except Rick was lighter in complexion. We got that a lot where ever we went so we started telling people that we were 5 minutes apart. The conversation went great and Cedric seemed to be really down to earth, very humorous, loved his family, wanted to settle down and have kids, and was very ambitious. We talked for what seemed like hours and before we knew it the club was closing. Rick and I had a rule about coming out together and leaving together. The only way we would break the rule is if we both met someone we wanted to go home with. That night was one of those nights. Rick was leaving with one of his buddies that would come around for a little quality time from time to time. They were friends with benefits which worked well for Rick because he wasn’t looking for anything serious after James. We hugged and kissed each other good night. Our routine would be once we make it to our destination we would call one another and give each other the address of where we were. Since I knew Todd I didn’t need Rick to call, but since I’d just met Cedric I would be calling Rick once I got home since Cedric was just visiting for the weekend. Once we got to my place I called Rick and told him I was fine. Dennis was out with our cousin Barry who’d just recently moved in with us. Our apartment was vacant so much more now that Barry was living with us. Cedric was a sweet guy and I could tell he had a lot of issues. When he talked about his past relationships there was this sense that he was far from over being hurt. He told me that his recent break up came when he realized his ex was selling his body in the neighborhood park which was known for solicitation. Cedric had dated this guy for 3 years; bought him anything he wanted and spoiled him beyond belief. Listening to him talk about it I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. I could tell that he was a push over for love and would do anything to make someone happy, but I wasn’t hearing where he felt he was worth the effort to love back. After my past relationships and my life struggle trying to become someone stronger and more confident I still could relate to where he was currently in his life. Instantly I knew there was a love connection but I could see having a good relationship with a good man for however long it would last. That night we had sex and it was pretty passionate. He was very considerate and reciprocated in a way that most guys I’d slept with didn’t. Afterwards he ran to the grocery store and bought me some strawberries and white grape juice. This combination was a favorite of mine. I can’t remember when or how this craving came to be, all I know is that once I met someone I craved these two things. That next morning it was time for him to head back to Alabama. When he was about to leave he hugged me and started to tear up. I was so moved that he became so emotional about leaving me when we’d just met the night before, but because I have falling in love with less time than that I felt so flattered. I told him that I would love to spend my coming birthday week with him. He wiped his tears, hugged me tight, and told me that he would take care of everything. The job I had at this point in my life was hell. I was working for a paper company, a very popular paper company that I won’t share. I worked in the mailroom and we received a lot of threats from environmentalists. It was a typical day to evacuate the building due to a bomb threat. I worked for a woman that was obvious a lesbian but proclaimed that she wasn’t and she felt that homosexuality was s in. She had a best friend coincidentally was named Cedric that died of AIDS but she still showed no sympathy for homosexuals. I won’t dwell too far into the hell that was my job, but I will say it taught me how to become a stronger person. I worked at this company for 4 years and every single day I was being indirectly taunted and teased by people that claimed to be mature and spiritual. I became tough and I became aware that if you allow people to see the weak points in your armor they would attack that very spot until they knock you down. So I learned the art of turning the negative into a weapon that benefited me and not them. A week passed and it was time for me to leave Atlanta for Alabama to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I got off of work, stopped by one of my favorite street vendors and bought myself another pair of shades. From childhood I loved shades for someone reason. I can look back at all of my pictures as a child and see that I had shades on all the time. It didn’t matter if they were men’s or women’s shades, I just loved shades. At this point in my life I have shades that matched every single outfit I owned. When I got home I say Cedric parked in front of my apartment. He greeted me with a tight hug and I saw the excitement in his eyes. I ran upstairs grabbed my bag and jumped in the car. The ride was about an hour and a half, so we were there before I knew it. I’d never been to Alabama before but once we got there it felt just like Aiken. It was very regular and not too busy, it gave you the sense that you could leave your doors unlocked and people knew each other very well. Though I’d become adjusted to city life, the country life was still in my heart. That night Cedric took me out to eat, took me to meet his friends, and then we all went to a club in the neighborhood. It was a great night and I had such a ball. The next morning Cedric had to go to work. He told me that his mom and his younger sister lived next door. He bought the house he lived in and the one next to him for his family. I was so touched at how family oriented he was. He told me that he had a brother that was strung out on crack, a brother that was married and didn’t come home often, and his baby sister had Down syndrome. Hearing his story made me realize why his heart was so huge. He loved everyone and just wanted someone to love him back. All day long he would call me on his breaks, come home to kiss me and run back to work. I was so shocked at how happy he was to have me there. The last time he came home he said that he had to go to his second job. He told me that sometimes his sister would come over to watch television so if I heard a knock on the door it was most likely her. He showed me a picture of his brother that was on crack and said if he came to the door not to let him in. I figured that would be self explanatory. A few minutes after he left I decided to take a shower and get relaxed. He told me that he had some things planned for me so I wanted to be ready. After my shower I was drying off and just admiring his house which was beautifully decorated and so relaxing. I was walking around in the nude since I was in the house alone or so I thought. I was headed to the kitchen to make me something to eat and to my surprise his sister was standing at the back door looking at me. I was immediately mortified because I didn’t realize that she had a key and knowing her condition it couldn’t have been a good thing for me standing in front of her all birthday suited and what not. I politely smiled and ran to the bathroom. A few minutes later I walked out and she was gone. I called Cedric and told him what happened. He found it to be funny and eventually I laughed it off myself. While on the phone with Cedric I heard a knock at the back door. I thought it was the sister again, this time I was dressed so it was fine for me to let her in. When I got to the door I noticed that it was his sister, it was his mother. I opened the door and introduced myself. Then the strangest thing came out of her mouth. She said, “Oh you’re Devante, I just came over to meet my son’s new wife.” After that uncomfortable comment she smiled and walked away. I felt that I had slipped into the Twilight Zone. I was on watch for thieving crack heads, peeping Down syndrome sisters, and mothers that saw me as a wife and not as a boyfriend. It was a lot to take in and then I thought it through. I figured if Cedric and I became an actual couple and lived together I would have the luxury of doing this every single day. Couldn’t think of anything I would love…less. The rest of the week was a blast. Cedric through me a party, introduced me to all of his friends, bought me several gifts, and just showered me with affection and quality time. The last night in Alabama Cedric was very quiet. I figured he was feeling down about me leaving. Though I enjoyed my stay, I couldn’t see myself living here full time. I missed my family in Atlanta and my life there was great. I had my struggles in certain areas but I loved it because if was mine. On the way back to Atlanta Cedric asked me the question I was hoping he would ask me. “Would you move in with me?” I dreaded this conversation since I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t imagine living there with him and his family next door. I didn’t want to break his heart but I didn’t want to feel compelled to do something just to protect it either. I responded by just saying, “I need to think it over first. This would be a huge move for me. I have my family and my friends in Atlanta.” He was quiet for the rest of the trip and I figured at that moment we may not be able to continue seeing each other. I do not participate in long distance relationships. I know my personality and when I want to be with the person I’m with I need them there or I need to be able to get to them when I need to. I just never see many happy stories with people living apart from one another. When we pulled up in front of my apartment he made one last attempt, “If you move in with me I can buy you a car so you can visit everyone here but still be able to live with me.” As great as someone buying me a car sounded, I realized at that moment it was out of desperation and not out of love. Cedric needed someone with him because he was terrified of being alone. His ex did him very dirty but I believe if he wanted to come back to Cedric he would take him back instantly for fear of living by his self. Before I got out of the car I told Cedric to just listen to me for a minute and then I said to him, “Cedric, I can tell you are very family oriented, you are surrounded by a lot of people that love and adore you. I find it wonderful that you bought a house for your mom and your sister, and though you may be angry with your brother being on crack I know you would look out for him still. That’s because you have a wonderful heart and you love to love… the issue that I see is that you are leading with the fear of being alone and not with being ready to be in a relationship again. I like you and I have enjoyed the time we’ve spent together but I can’t move in with you. I made a decision to do that before and it didn’t work out at all. I’m not saying that you are like him, but I just need to have more between us in order for me to make that decision. I’m sorry but I can’t move in with you.” He just looked down and said he understood. When he drove off I felt that the relationship was over and I made a conscience decision that wasn’t just about protecting me, but protecting him. If I’d said yes to him it wouldn’t have been for love it would have been for the support he was willing to give me. I could have taken everything he owned because I knew how vulnerable he was and how easy it would have been. Though my heart was harder than I wanted it to be, I still could feel compassion and I wouldn’t want to do to someone what has been done to me. About 3 months later I got a call from Cedric telling me that he wanted to be with me. He said he wanted to try a long distant relationship. I told him that I was not interested in trying a relationship that I already knew wouldn’t last. There was silence and then Cedric went on to tell me that he was sorry. I was lost because that was so out of left field. “Why are you saying sorry to me Cedric?” I asked him. There was silence again and then Cedric told me that right before I came up to spend the week with him his ex girlfriend came over and made him have sex with her. Now she is pregnant and she told him she is going to get him for child support. After hearing that mess I just told him, “Good luck with that.” I hung up and I deleted Cedric out of my phone and out of my life. Boy…when crazy falls it causes a flood.