How I Became Me Chapter 7

It is now 1996 and I am back in Aiken South Carolina. It feels like a strange dream and at the same time it is a very powerful reality. It seemed that the life I’d grown to love in Atlanta was ripped from beneath my feet. It was a long process but when you are in the thick of the situation it can come by so fast and so unexpected that it seems sudden. The relationship with me and my brothers changed. Growing up Pete and I really didn’t get a long that great. He was very selfish and mean to us. We couldn’t play with his toys and when we got older we couldn’t wear his clothes. The relationship became so strong with my staying in Atlanta. We found a way to become friends and we developed a relationship that I never thought we would ever have. My relationship with Dennis was rocky in the beginning but after a few dark moments we became those brothers we were back when we were growing up. That crazy sense of humor, the fun we would have just sitting and joking. We loved the same movies and shows. Dennis would draw his characters and I would write the storylines for him. He was crazy about video games and I fell deeply in love with them. In the first portion of my stay in Atlanta I was the only one going to hang out with Rick. We became so tight and it felt like he was the part of my life I was missing. I could talk about any and everything with him. There was no need to watch what I was saying. He would understand where I was coming from and then he would share a piece of his past with me. It was deeper than just brotherhood; it felt like our souls were connected. I always wondered about the connection with twins and through Rick I got the understanding. I could sense when he was sad, I could sense when he was trying to act like he was all right when he wasn’t. He could see right through me as well. So we started just being open and honest with one another. I lived for the walk to his place and the stay was always like a vacation from reality. He made me feel like royalty and for the first time in a long time I could be the little brother needed that support from an older sibling. We became that source of comfort to one another. My relationship with Jake was like it had always been. Jake was like that exciting father. When you were around him you had a blast all the time. He treated me like his child and not like his brother. He is the one that got me comfortable with being me and getting us to relying on myself though he preferred that I came to him when I needed anything. He is truly a protector in every meaning of the word. It was a touch and go situation at first however. That next day after talking with Diamond we planned to meet after work. Just as I was breaking down my station I saw him waiting for me in his car. I wasn’t that open to the Jake, Pete, and Dennis about my personal life so I made up a story that I was going to hang out with some of the girls after work. I couldn’t form the words to say that I’m going to dinner with this attractive man and I may not come home until late. After leaving the message on the house phone I jumped in the car with Diamond and we drove off. The conversation was just how deep as it was on the phone. I felt such a vibe with him and I could feel him looking me up and down in total desire. I felt like a sex symbol…in a good way. He drove to the grocery store and bought some ingredients and one of those logs you light and it lasts for hours. Anything romantic I could picture was actually being done. He got me to his place and had a pack of shirts and underwear for me to change into. When I got out of the shower he had the living room dim and candles glowing which seemed to dance with the flames of the fire in the fire place. It was this warmth that could only be generated by nature’s source of heat. We sat at the dinner table and laughed and talked about our lives and aspirations. I immediately fell in love with his ambition and his plans for his career. I shared with him my love for music, dancing, and singing. Unlike everyone else that would ask me to prove I could sing, he told me he could tell I could sing based on how I talked. He told me that I had a soothing voice and my words were clear precise. After we finished eating he poured me a glass of wine and pulled out a bowl of green seedless grapes. We say in front of the fire place just looking at one another, talking about our lives again. Before I knew it he leaned over and kissed me. I almost melted into his arms. This was the first real kiss I had ever experienced. At the moment we started touching on one another, kissing on one another, making sounds that seemed to be music being created through our connection. It bled into the dancing light being created by the flames of the candle and fire place. At that moment my sexuality finally made sense to me. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I was. For so long I questioned if I was just confused, was I just trying to figure things out, was I molested and blocked the memory so deeply in my subconscious mind that it came through my sexual desires? I finally got the answer I’d always wanted and it was as simple as the affection from a man that was deeply connected to me. My past experiences with sex were limited to just looking and touching. My first sexual experience when I lost my virginity was with a older man I met one night during one of my many late night walks on the street of South Carolina. He as someone the family knew and someone I would bump into on occasion. I didn’t understand how he knew I loved men, but now that I’m older and becoming more wiser I can see how easy it is to detect someone that is attracted to you. That was sex but this with Diamond was making love. It wasn’t rushed, it wasn’t forced, it wasn’t phony and it wasn’t scary at all. It felt right and I felt like I finally conquered that fear in me to let go. I was free from fear, I was clear from confusion, I was open to love and happiness, but most of all I was in love with me for the very first time in a long time. Every part of me that made me feel different from everyone else became the tools to build the confidence I had. After we were done we just laid together looking at one another. Before I realized it I was sleep in his arms. I woke the next morning still floating and still feeling the excitement from my experience the night before. Diamond had washed my uniform and ironed it for me. I got dressed and was ready to leave though I didn’t want to end this moment we had. Diamond asked me to come to his job and then he would take me to work. Without a thought I said yes. I went to the mall where Diamond had his own store selling clothes, jewelry, and music. Being a producer he had several artists that he was working with. He sold their music to get them the exposure they needed for their career. That day I got my ears pierced again after saying I wouldn’t because of the irritation I went through the first time. That day was so wonderful to me and I couldn’t have expected anything that happened. Diamond kissed me and told me he wanted to see me really soon. I went to work and then after work I went home. When I walked through the door Pete was sitting in the living room and I could tell he was sad. Apparently my little lie caught up with me. Jake was furious that I didn’t come home and lied about what I was doing. Pete was just relieved that I was fine but told me that I needed to be more responsible. Jake was so angry that he was thinking about sending me back to Aiken. By the time Jake came home the tension had calmed and he pulled me in the room and got on me like a father would. I felt bad about lying but I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t explain what I really had planned because I never talked that way with Jake or Pete. Dennis was quiet about the incident but understood that I was getting older and curious. Rick talked to me and I told him the truth and he understood I was fine. He said he understood Jake’s fear and anger but told me that Jake did that several times so he shouldn’t have been that angry. After that episode I stayed close to home. Everyone at work was worried as well and was happy that I was all right. So I learned a valuable lesson at that moment and promised I would never put my family through that drama again. Needless to say my relationship with Jake became even stronger because he realized I was coming into my man hood and I was becoming more and more independent. I think part of him feared me growing up because he has always seen me as his baby brother. During all of these changes things between me and my brothers started to change. It seemed the closer I was getting with Pete and our friends the more distant Jake and Dennis became. I was placed in the middle of a lot of drama that I wasn’t aware of when I moved in. There were still issues with Rick moving out; I got stories from both ends. It became more stressful than I anticipated. I was being pulled in different directions and being expected to make a decision as to who I was more loyal. Eventually Dennis started coming with me to visit Rick. Their relationship began to get better and the past that caused them not to speak was finally gone. Pete and his relationship with Amanda was still strong, and Jake lost his job and didn’t mention it to us at all. Things became stressful and unmanageable. The relationship that we were building started to fall apart and we all fell on different sides of the drawn line. The ending result was that I needed to get away from the drama and the issues dealing with Diamond. He became the opposite of what I thought he was. I found out that his female companion he was with the first night we met was actually his girlfriend. He actually lived his life as a straight man and slept with young men on the side. To say I was heartbroken would not be the truth. I had a taste of life as myself and not what people thought me to be. The physical attraction for Diamond was strong but the emotional connection faded over time. I quit my job at Apple Bee’s because I got fed up with doing 50 different jobs and being promised a manager position which never came. I started working at Shoney’s where the manager there either was in love with me and made my life hell or was jealous of me and made my life hell. So I quit that job as well. Feeling like I needed to leave due to being unemployed I packed up and went back home. Shortly after getting back to Aiken I got a collect call from Diamond. He was arrested for statutory rape and was convicted. He called me to tell me not to believe what I heard on the news, but based on the description the 15 year old boy gave the authorities sounded eerily similar to the things he did to me. Thinking that Atlanta would be the drama of my life quickly changed once I started hanging with the older friends I grew up with. I learned that things are not always as cut and dry as I would like them to be.