How I Became Me Chapter 12

Fast forwarding three years into the relationship I established with Eugene a bit. Right after that realization that I’d just unknowingly accepted a relationship I became terrified at the prospect of being in love and getting my heart broken again. I tried everything in my power to eliminate the chance of a romance. I remember being on the phone one Friday night with one of my guys that I called when I wanted a little sexual healing. This is a Jamaican guy that just soothed me every time we talked. We never had sex but there was this strong sexual tension between us. I met him one solo night when I went to the Palace. We exchanged numbers and talked all of the time. When I first met Wally I told him that I was going through a break up and I didn’t have the right frame of mind to mess with anyone. It was one of those rare moments when I didn’t allow my hormones take control of my mouth and my actions. We talked off and on for about 3 months and every time we talked I could tell in his conversation that Wally wanted to take the next step. He wanted love and family, at the time I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I felt for so long that love was in the cards for me but after so many failed attempts I started wondering if I was trying to fight fate. So I decided to let the universe work and I would follow whatever the stars told me. I just knew in my heart that I was terrified of being hurt so I fought long and hard to keep Eugene away from me emotionally…except this night changed the game totally. Eugene called and left several messages for me. Earlier in the week he said he wanted to come over and do a movie night. He caught off guard because while I was talking to Dennis the phone started ringing and I was distracted so my screening the calls slipped my mind and I accepted the movie night. While I was on the phone with Wally I heard a knock on the door. Dennis went to the door and looked through the peep hole; Dennis informed me it was Eugene. I told Dennis to tell him I wasn’t home. Dennis opened the door and told Eugene that I wasn’t there. I could feel the pain in my heart as I heard his disappointment, and I could hear in Dennis’ voice that he was very upset that I did something like that. After Dennis closed the door I ended the call with Wally and walked into the hallway to talk to Dennis. Dennis told me that Eugene had pizza, beer, and movies. I felt the tears filling up in my eyes. Dennis looked at me with a serious face, being serious was rare for us because we were such clowns. We did however have those real deep moments when we told one another how we felt. Dennis told me, “I know you are still getting over Henry and I know you are hurting. What you just did to Eugene was wrong because you are trying to block people from your heart. You are giving Henry all of your emotions and he is no longer in your life.” Dennis hugged me and went into his room. At that moment I realized that I had to make a different decision. I couldn’t get through the pain of Henry if I lived in the memory. I went to bed early that night and the very next morning I got up and paged Eugene. He called me back right before I could hang up the phone. We talked on the phone and I explained to him what I was going through and he said he understood. He told me that he still wanted to get to know me and if I would allow him a chance, he could be there for me. Those words sounded so good but that doubt lingered in my heart and in my head. I just couldn’t imagine putting my walls aside for a man again. I agreed to see him later that week and then I decided to call Rick for advice. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t ready. Later that night I went over to sit and talk with Rick. Though the advice Dennis gave me was powerful, Dennis and I had different approaches in relationships and not to mention different taste in men. I was strictly, “My Brothas” and Dennis had a fetish for “Caucasian Bears”. Rick told me that since I moved back to Atlanta and started openly dating I had one particular type of man in my eyes. Eugene didn’t match that description at all. I always felt that I picked a guy for different reasons but after hearing what Rick had to say I took some self inventory on my past dates. They were all pretty boys, polished, professional, very intelligent, and not to mention they were financially comfortable. Eugene was almost 7 ft tall, he weighed about 300lbs, his vocabulary was…well to say…not what I would have been use to when conversing with a gentlemen. Rick and I talked all evening about Eugene and what he felt I should do. By the next morning I’d made a decision to follow the advice of someone that knew me better than anyone and not listen to that negativity building up in my brain. I knew that it was coming from a place of hurt and protection. I was so dead set on what I pictured in my head that nothing appealed to my heart. I had to get out of that fear and try to live. I struggled so long wanting to find happiness but I was covering myself with pain. After clearing my mind of the past I wanted to try to look upon Eugene with new eyes. We started hanging out and I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want to have sex with him until we’d been together long enough for me to know where we were going. I could tell instantly that Eugene had a very high sex drive. Nightly I could feel him touching, pulling, kissing, licking, and God only knows what else while I had my back to him. He didn’t really need to go all the way to get where he needed to be. So I found that cool on his part. He respected my wishes and didn’t try to press the issue. We started having our routine as far as what we did as a couple. Eugene loved sports and I didn’t but we found a way to compromise. Eugene didn’t smoke and neither did I. We both had similar taste in foods so going out to eat and cooking was no big deal. The parts of Eugene that would change our lives together came after our honeymoon period passed and I told him I loved him. Right from the beginning Eugene told me he loved me all the time. I told him that once those words left my lips that meant I was in the relationship for the long haul. I told him that I loved hard and I didn’t like to play with my heart. It was very important for him to understand who I was and where I came from. After our 6 month mark hit I decided that I wanted to go to the next level of our relationship. I could tell Eugene was both excited and nervous to finally go there with me. The entire night was great. He picked me up from work, took me out to eat, took me to buy movies, and then we came back to my apartment and started making out. I let go of my guards and allowed myself the freedom to give him all of me without pause. The lovemaking was very passionate and we connected in a way I didn’t expect. After we were done I laid my head on his chest and we started talking about our relationship. I told him that I was ready to move out and live as a couple. I told him that I was tired of him leaving and going back home to his mom’s house. I told him that if this is going to work we both need to be there for one another. At the end of the conversation Eugene agreed and said that he wanted to be with me and he was ready for us to take the next step. Our first experience with Eugene’s emotional instability came at an unexpected incident in our relationship. It was the weekend and I was working on my musical career with a producer by the name of John System. I wanted to get back into the music part of my passion for so long but never found a way to get myself out there again. My first taste of fame was when I did a rape verse and backup vocals for an unknown artist by the name of Jeff Jackson. I got recognized for my talents but the career of Jeff Jackson only made it to 2 songs, then it fell apart. My other brush with near fame was when I dated the producer that was arrested for statutory rape. He told me that once he signed with Elektra Records he would start working on my music. That change never came and even if he got out and still wanted to help me it wouldn’t work since he is a sex offender now. That would not be good for business having my name attached to someone with that type of record. So I felt that my chances were slim to known. That was until I discovered Creative Loafing. Creative Loafing is a newspaper that tells you about the latest local events, it keeps you up on the independent artists in your area, and it also has a very lengthy list under their classifieds. I saw a posting that was put up by John. He said he was starting his record label and he was looking for local talent. I called him and set up a meet and greet. We talked and I started collaborating with him on my project. That Saturday morning I had a session at the studio with JS (John System). I told Eugene that he could drop me off and when I was ready I would call him. When I got in the studio JS said that he was leaving after the session and he could drop me off since he was going my way. I called Eugene and told him that JS would drop me off since he was leaving out after the session but if anything changed I would call him back to let him know. Eugene said all right and that he would be washing clothes until I called him. After our studio session JS said he was leaving and could drop me off. The ride was about 15 minutes to get me to the apartment. I’d paged Eugene and told him that JS was dropping me off. When I got home I noticed the Eugene’s car wasn’t in the driveway. I knocked on the door and Dennis didn’t answer. Eugene had my key so I couldn’t get in. So I had no choice but to sit and wait for one of them to get back. After 20 minutes of waiting I saw Eugene’s car pulling into the complex. I noticed that Dennis and Barry were in the car with him. So I assumed that Barry came over and they all went to get something to eat since I was at the studio. Dennis got out first and was frowned up. I asked what was wrong and he said, “You are dead wrong for what you did to him!”, then Barry got out and said, “Trifling!” At this point I’m getting pissed off because I don’t know what the hell is going on. Eugene gets out of the car and starts yelling at me. “Why weren’t you at the studio when I came to get you?” Before I knew it my body got hot and I was hotter than I’d ever been. I went into the apartment and I grabbed Eugene and pulled him inside and slammed the door. I was angry but my mind operated at diffusing each person one at a time. Since Dennis came at me wrong I decided to start with him and work my way to Eugene. “First of all Dennis I told that nigga over there that JS was going to drop me off after the studio session. I told him that if anything changed I would let him know.” Dennis replied, “Eugene told us that he told you we were coming to the studio to surprise you and when we got there you were gone.” I looked at Eugene with plain disgust and turned back to Dennis. “That is a fucking lie!” Eugene obviously has trust issues and he used the two of you to plot some bullshit scheme to set me up. Why in the hell would you and Barry coming to the studio be a surprise for me? I didn’t need you or Barry there with me! You are my brother and you take the side of a stranger over mine without finding out the truth!” I then turned my attention on Barry. “You fat bitch! You need to learn to stay the fuck out of my business and pay more attention to the psycho ex of yours that’s stalking you before you come and tell me anything about my relationship. Not to mention that fact that this is my business and you can kiss my ass!” I then walked to the door and opened it. I looked at Eugene and saw his expression. Apparently they all teamed up on the ride back. I guess he figured that the three of them would team up on me and make me feel overwhelmed or admit whatever he thought I was hiding. When he saw that his plan was falling apart and his back up wasn’t nearly enough to face off with me he changed his tune. “Why are you going off on every one? You act the world is out to get you. I was just trying to surprise you…” Before he could finish his sentence I told him, “You can get your lying, ignorant, jealous ass out of my house and out of my life. You went behind my back and teamed up against me with my family in the hopes that your suspicions would be confirmed; just to find out that you were wrong and you look really stupid right now. Get the fuck out!” I slammed the door, went in my room, and called Rick. Rick busted out laughing and said, “They thought they were enough for you? Why didn’t you record that?” We laughed and then made plans to spend the rest of the weekend together. I vowed at the moment to keep my shield up because letting my guard down completely only got me hurt. The story didn’t end there, but it was the center on the rollercoaster relationship that followed.