How I Became Me Chapter 13

Life as it turned out is very unpredictable and can cause you to make the wrong decisions under the circumstances you are faced with. My life with Eugene was a prime example on how we can feel that we aren’t with the right person but can’t leave them because they are in the wrong time. Eugene’s life was not one that I could see myself being in and coming out unmarked by damaging emotional bruises and broken egos. The drama the ensued in our relationship only strengthened that darkness that he carried within his soul. Eugene fell in love with my family instantly and for a long time I didn’t get a chance to figure out if I would be the same way with his family. He kept that part of his life heavily guarded and until I experienced it for myself, I couldn’t understand why. Though there were many flaws in the makeup of Eugene, he had a heart that was so big and caring. He loved everyone and just wanted people to be happy when they were around him. There were moments in our relationship where I could see his hurt but he never wanted to let me know he was hurting. He had a lot of past experiences that broke him but he didn’t want to appear in need and he never wanted to appear helpless in my eyes. There were serious abuses on alcohol, running the street, adultery, anger, insecurity, and a list of other emotional issues that stretched our relationship to the barest of strength and hopes for healing. Our relationship ended several times over the course of 8 years. There were times I caught him lying, there were times when I found out different people he talked to behind my back, his drinking increased, his angry magnified, he relied on his family for support but they only fed him negativity about his life as a gay man and less about supporting him and getting him on the right track. Eugene suffered from gout and had to leave his career as a football player because of it. Gout was an inheritance in his family and it was severe. There were times when he couldn’t get out of bed, there times he couldn’t move at all; his joints would swell so badly that he couldn’t put on socks, he couldn’t wash his self, he couldn’t even eat. Not once did one of his siblings come over to help me with him. I was 165lbs lifting a 380lb man to help him got to the restroom, to help him wash, and just to keep his body moving. Every time I wanted to leave him I was pushed back because I still cared about him and was worried about him. From the moment he and I became a couple I always had these nightmares about him dying all alone and no one there to take care of him. It was a fear that was greater than my happiness and greater than my need to leave. At some times I would feel guilty, I would feel responsible, and I would feel devoted though I wasn’t being treated with the upmost respect, I still couldn’t allow the anger to get the best of me. Our last breakup came when we made yet another move. This move was a move from a house to a one bedroom apartment. Our fights became worse, our arguments increased, the medium was no longer there. Either we loved hard or fought hard. I finally couldn’t deal with it so I told him to move out until he got his self together. While I was living single and alone he moved back in with his mom. Shortly after moving back in with her she became ill. She kept telling the family it was nothing but eventually it got worse. This was a year from the Thanksgiving where Eugene announced to his mom and his sister that he was gay and I was his lover. I was taken by surprise and I didn’t know what to say afterwards. I’d been around his family for about 2 years, and we just remained silent about who I was in Eugene’s life. Everyone said how happy they could see Eugene was, Eugene’s mother was even happier based on what his siblings told me on numerous of times. They constantly told me that I was family and his mom even told me she saw me as one of her own children. After Eugene came out to them that all changed. I was no longer invited over; when they called to our home they would ask for Eugene without speaking to me at all. Eugene even told his mom that if she was uncomfortable with me being with him when he came to visit he would just come alone. I dealt with that until I couldn’t anymore. So when I made the decision to leave him and live alone I felt that maybe his relationship with his family would mend and they could find a new way to love each other. That idea sounded good in my head but in reality that wasn’t even in the cards. His mother was diagnosed with cancer and she passed on November. A year after he came out and when I was cut out of the family. I was there for him to help him through his grieving and acceptance of her passing. Eugene truly loved his father and his mother. His father died 2 years before we met and he talked about his father all the time. I could see the destroyed little boy in his eyes. His family separated more after the death of their mother. Feeling bad about his ordeal I told him to move back in with me. That nightmare started to become increasingly difficult to shake. I never shared that fear with him but I told him that I wanted to be there for him in any way that I could. Shortly after he moved back in with me the calls from his siblings started coming in. One of his brothers told him that the reason their mom died from cancer was because Eugene told her he was gay, his sister constantly called and started arguments with him. There were nights when he said he was going to spend time with his family and I knew in my gut that it would only end badly. He would always come back home drunk and hurt by whatever went on while he was there. Not only was I fighting him, I was fighting his family, and his inner demons that seemed to have a stronger hold on him than anything else around him. Our relationship was horrible but for some unexplainable reason I just couldn’t get him out of my life. Every time I tried something would push us back together. There was always something tragic either in his life or mine. After his mom died his cousin was killed. His cousin was like the brother he never had. I accompanied him to Columbus GA even though I knew his family didn’t want me there. Shortly after arriving he got into an argument with the brother that blamed him for their mother’s death. We left after paying our condolences. About a year later I experienced a loss that broke me to my core. My mother and father were getting sick pretty regularly. My dad had a stroke and my mom had surgery to her throat to remove damaged tissue from an operation years before. They both were in the hospital at the same time. I made several trips from Atlanta to Aiken constantly. My father survived the stroke, and then he had to go back to the hospital to have an aneurism removed. They told us that he would not have use of his right side and his left eye. After his therapy he began to move better, he could see out of his eye and he began to speak clearer and more coherent than ever. The hospital visits went on for about a year until finally it was decided that he needed to go to a nursing home. Our mom was no longer able to care for him since she was diagnosed with diabetes and required assistance. About a month after he was placed in a nursing home he got pneumonia and was sent back to the hospital to have it treated. The next day I got the call that he died. I was on the phone with Tammy and at the time Tammy was upset with our mom because of our brother’s current girlfriend and baby’s mom Shameera. I was getting constant calls from Tammy and Peggy complaining that our mom was showing favoritism to Shameera over them and treating our new nephew better than the rest of her grand kids. While on the phone telling about more drama she got a call and when she clicked back over she was crying uncontrollably. I knew instantly that it was my dad and I told her that I was on my way home. The funeral was unlike anything we’d experienced before. It was at the church we all were raised in. The choir consisted of about 4 veteran members and the singing was more depressing than the funeral. Our family has always been raised to look at the silver lining in a dark situation. It works for those of us that truly embrace the truth behind what is happening in your life. At that moment I was there for my mom and I couldn’t see past that responsibility. The night before I found out about my dad I had a dream that he came to me. In the dream we were sitting across from one another and he asked me what he could have done to be a better father. My response to him was that I knew he had a terrible childhood and he did the best he could. Thankfully when he got sick the first time I forgave him for the past. I let go of all the pain I carried and the hate that built up inside of my heart towards him. When I finished my demo he listened and told me he was so proud of me. That dream was more than a dream I felt that was his spirit coming to me to make amends. The happiness in that experience was that I had already forgiving him. I was picked to write a poem to put on his obituary and I was chosen to speak at the funeral. I spoke from my heart and said, “I don’t want to cry for my father, but if I do, it isn’t tears of anger or pain. I cry because I had the experience of knowing him and loving him. I got the chance to see what it means to forgive and love. I saw firsthand how a man can love a woman all of his life. My father had his flaws but through those flaws he still came out a great man. In our lives that’s all we can ever ask. Though physically he is no longer with us, but we won’t miss him because when we look at one another we see him, so that means he has not left us, but given us the time to live and love through the memories he left behind.” -Good-bye Poppa Smurf, we love you. RIP Lester Upson Sr.