How I Became Me Chapter 19

After a long and grueling ordeal after the death of Eugene I finally made a decision to continue living in our town home. My sister Peggy wanted me to move in with her and Hoyte but they didn’t have space, my friend Angel wanted me to live with her but she had way too many people living in her home already. The subject of moving out came with the difficulty of being in the town house alone. There was a part of me that felt I needed to stay and then there was that part of me that said I needed to close this chapter of my life and move on to something new. The day time was always all right but I couldn’t sleep. When the sun went down I would experience moments of extreme fear and I felt as though someone was walking right behind me with every step I took. I would try my best to sleep through the night to see if I could but it never worked. It seemed as though each time I decided to sleep elsewhere, that fear became stronger as I walked towards the door. I stopped eating, I was fearful of all foods because what I found out from Connie was that Eugene died from a massive heart attack. I immediately associated that with the food he consumed which was the same food I consumed. While at Peggy’s I would nibble but I couldn’t eat anything in large portions. I started feeling fatigued and out of it. I couldn’t get a word out without it being followed with an emotional breakdown. Peggy tried to keep my spirits up by taking me out different places, getting Maurice’s kids for a few weeks and doing things with them. Outside of the home I was dreadfully depressed but being in the home I was dreadfully fearful. I couldn’t shake the moment I saw him on the bed. The tragedy of it all held on to me very tightly. I never in my life felt that I would have experienced anything like that. When my dad died I approved his suit and his casket along with Junior, Rick, and Jake. I was the only one that didn’t breakdown when we had to view the body. When Rick died I was right there through all of it. After they called me two days after admitting him to the hospital to tell me his heart finally gave out my brother Mitch and his wife came to Atlanta. We went to the hospital and Mitch’s wife wanted to see Rick. We were escorted to the morgue where they showed us his body. Mitch’s wife fell apart but I was fine. Pete asked me was I all right and I said I was fine. What I came to realize was that those deaths were expected and not a surprise. I knew that my father couldn’t survive without my mom. The moment they decided to put him in a nursing home I knew that he would give up because he couldn’t live without her. When Rick died we were already told that there wasn’t much more that could be done. I felt Rick’s spirit leave way before he was admitted to ICU. When I heard about my mom I wasn’t surprised because the day she found out about Rick I could tell she gave up her battle. Eugene’s death was not seen or expected at all. When I left him that morning he was full of life and humorous as always. The night before his passing he was acting silly and we were watching The Discovery Channel as we always did. It all came to a head when Jennings came to spend the weekend with me. I started feeling like I needed distractions so I started browsing the chat lines to see if I could meet someone that could get my mind off of what was going on in my life and to see if I could meet someone that would change the energy in my home in order for me to move back in permanently. I spent the entire weekend with Jennings shopping and having fun as we always did. That last night Jennings was there I had an older guy that I connected with come over. As soon as he walked into my life he started pushing fast to be a couple when we didn’t know one another. Though it didn’t work out and he was definitely not my type, he was the cause of me making the decision to stay in my home and not move in with my sister or my friend. That following morning while Jennings was preparing to leave, Tim came over and sat with us. We sat around talking and shooting the breeze. I had some boxes that I started packing but stopped in the middle of it because I was still uncertain if moving out was the answer. That morning time noticed the boxes and asked me, “Are those boxes for Eugene’s personal things?” I told him, “No…they are for me if I decide to move.” Tim looked at me with this serious glare and then followed that question with, “Is your lease up?” My answer was the same as the first response. Then that is when Tim started telling me how he felt about the situation and right after he finished it left me feeling like I missed the point this whole time until now. Tim: I don’t think you should move out and especially not move in with your sister or best friend. You and Eugene were together for almost 10 years and yes it was tragic the way that he died but if you are moving because you just can’t deal with the memories that is understandable, but if you are moving out because you are afraid of how you feel being here then that isn’t a good reason. Eugene loved you and if you sense his spirit here what makes you feel that he would hurt you. If you sense him here then you should feel safe because he chose to stay here to watch over you. He loves you and he is still here…that means a lot and I think you should really look at it as a blessing. When he finished Jennings and I said “Damn” at the same time. That message was both profound and so right on time. After all of the indecisiveness it took someone that barely knew me to tell me what I needed to hear. After Tim left Jennings and I started talking. Jennings told me that when I was upstairs changing Tim told him that he knew I could never love him because I was still in love with Eugene. That much was true but at the same time there was just so much about Tim I didn’t like. He lied a lot and he always complained about the same thing over and over again. At that point in my life I couldn’t take on early drama in a dating situation. That night Jennings said he wanted to ride with me to Angel’s house to get my stuff. I had some personal belongings there and at Peggy’s. When Eugene was alive we hung out with Angel and her family all of the time. When Peggy moved to Atlanta I tried to establish a friendship between the two of them since Peggy hadn’t met anyone she could call a friend. That blew up in my face because they both were overly possessive of me and they clashed because of that fact. When Jennings left I cut on every light in the house and started talking aloud just like Eugene told me to do when I missed Rick. I walked through the house telling him how much I love him, how I was sorry for the pain we inflicted upon one another and how blessed I was to share his last moments with me in a home that was shared between the two of us. It seemed after my feelings left my lips the fear disappeared. I didn’t get scared once I realized I was still there and it was night time. I felt this surge of inspiration and I started to rearrange the furniture, unpack the boxes, and then for the last step I walked into our bedroom and moved around the set up. It was such a significant decision because when I walked upstairs to the bedroom I was no longer reliving that night. I didn’t picture Eugene on the bed lifeless and cold. I could feel this warmth around me which could only be described as the bear hug he would always give me when he came home from being on the road. That next morning I started my normal routine of waking up, taking my shower, watching movies when there wasn’t anything on television, and just enjoying the day. The sadness still lurked in my heart but I knew that eventually I could work through it. I knew that my life had more meaning and the dark days were no longer in my path. I was certain that I would face some more hardships because that is expected in life, but I was driven by the darkness, I was ready to face it and fight it for all I had in me. I told my landlord that I wanted to renew my lease, she said fine and that she was so impressed at home strong I was. That following weekend they sent over a friend of theirs to paint the rooms. They let me choose the colors I wanted and once he was done the home seemed like a new home. The home felt like a new home and I no longer felt that I was burdened by pain and horrible memories of the past. There would be days when I walked through the house talking to Eugene as if he were right there with me. After I started talking to him aloud the strangest things started happening. I remember hearing the alarm in the house go off as if someone was walking in, at first it scared me, then it became frequent every time I mentioned his name. The funniest thing that happened was when Peggy and Hoyte came over to bring me breakfast. Hoyte went outside to talk to my neighbor while Peggy and I sat in the living room talking. I told Peggy about the strange things that were happening around the house. She told me that she thinks Eugene is still here. Once she said that my alarm clock went off by its self. Peggy’s eyes went big and she said, “You’re all right with me Eugene.” It was so funny to me but it felt so normal since it happened a lot. My alarm clock wasn’t set to go off because I was on leave from work. It just sounded on it’s on and went off on its own. Though physically we lose people, the spiritual realm is far greater than we could ever imagine. I always wanted to believe in the unknown and I’ve had several encounters with things that didn’t make sense or could be explained. This new part of my life made me feel stronger in the thought of moving on with my life and trying to see past the sadness of the loss and focus on the living, there here and now. After about 2 months of changes and wake up calls I decided it was time to leave. I decided to start back at my job and I felt that moving into another apartment would be the beginning of a life full of possibilities and more chapters to be written by me and my experiences. This past year was full of pain and dread, but little did I know that this embarked journey would lead me to the greatest love I could have ever imagined…for the first time that optimistic feeling proved correct.