How I Became Me Chapter 1

Born 2:10PM on September 18, 1975 to a South Carolina family, my destiny was written before I could utter a word. Through my eyes I could see so many possibilities and so many doors that the world had to offer. It was guilt that I felt in the early stages of growing up. I felt bad that I didn’t feel satisfied with the life I was given. I could see so much more out there for me but lacked the understanding of such desires. People would make different comments about my presence, my speech, my attitude, my demeanor, and just about anything else that came to mind. I knew I was different from other boys but I could not understand what the difference was. It wasn’t until I was 5 years old in Aiken Elementary school where I discovered why I was so different from my brothers and the other boys I went to school with. While my brothers and the boys at school were chasing girls, I was chasing them. I saw a picture in my mind when I came across a boy I liked. It wasn’t that of friendship but that of him being the perfect pick to have children with. Stunned by the idea that I wanted to be with a boy and not with a girl I began my art of internalizing my feelings and emotions to keep from being noticed or being called a freak because I thought so differently than others. I immediately felt horrible for not being what I thought my parents expected of me. My father would have friends over and as any proud father he would line us all up and ask each one of us what we wanted to be when we grew up. At this time it was four of us living at home and the older six siblings either moved out of state or just moved out on their own. The oldest of the four of us said, “I want to be a fireman”, the next to the oldest said, “I want to be an artist”, I said, “I have to think about it”, then the youngest of us said, “I want to be a police officer”, while smiling and standing tall with the strong careers choices his son shared with him, my dad turned to me and asked, “Do you know what you want to be now?” I looked at my brothers, my father and his friends and said, “I want to be a judge” The men that were there with my father patted him on the back in acceptance at his offspring have such high hopes for the future. Little did anyone know secretly I wanted to say, “I want to be Wonder Woman” For some strange reason watching her made me feel powerful. I couldn’t quite understand why I familiarized myself with a female super hero, but I knew that I was different so everyone I watched seemed to follow the norm when it came to personality and ability. Wonder Woman to me was so unlike the rest of the heroes people talked about. She did the impossible but loved very strong and stood for so much. I knew that I wanted to be different and I wanted to be strong. I didn’t want to fear being myself but I didn’t quite know how to share that feeling with the rest of the world. Growing up in little South Carolina there was not a lot a young boy could do for fun. If you didn’t have an imagination you would probably go insane. The good thing about my family was that we all shared a sense of humor as well as very vivid imaginations. If one of us thought it then the rest of us could relate and create from one thought. We would play for hours being different characters, creating our own heroes or being our favorite heroes. I would always play Wonder Woman and my youngest brother would play Steve. Seems so funny now to think back at how easy it was for me to be different but I didn’t catch on to that fact until much later in life that I didn’t care what people thought of me. I think being around people that love you through no matter what makes it easier to let down your guard while at the same time bringing one up if you felt you were letting them down. Complicated mind boggling thoughts for a child but they do start to manifest around that age. Days turn into nights and weekdays turn into weekends. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, graduations, and a sleuth of other life events can just flash by as if being watched on a VHS cassette. You never really notice your own growth but you are very focused on the growth around you. The things you enjoyed before are no longer interesting to you. People that you were crazy about before now annoy the hell out of you. The feelings you wouldn’t dare share with others are now feelings that leave your lips as if words had the power to control your tongue. Before I knew it I was coming out of a shell that I spent years creating. There were cracks in the perfect little boy I thought I was becoming for everyone. I was the one that was called on for any and everything and that was fine for me. I could slip in under the radar and miss those dreadful stares or being questioned about what I was doing at a sleep over with a friend. My desires started becoming stronger and stronger yet I still couldn’t understand them. Men that once were seen as actors on movies became heart throbs to me. I could start imagining being with the very men I wished got the girl at the finale of the movie. I started wanting to be the “Damsel” in distress. I wanted to be the one he kissed right before the credits started to roll on the black screen. Those thoughts followed me from movies to real life. The boys that I noticed at 5 years old started to really appeal to me now that I was 11 years old. I started feeling sensations and my vivid imagination became like a bad movie. When I use the term bad movie I am referring to porno but we didn’t know that it was called porno at the time. We only called it “A bad movie” and everyone our age knew what we were talking about. I had sensations in places I didn’t know you could have. I didn’t have the whole birds and the bees talk. Growing up in the country you do what you hear, read, watch, or rent. Life in a financially struggling family puts the talk of sex on the bottom of the priority list. There are bigger issues going on with paying bills, buying food, getting books, and getting school clothes. In the struggle of it all the desire to become Wonder Woman changed. To me, Wonder Woman was my mother. I saw her go through years of abuse and neglect, but she was strong enough to raise her children with a husband that had many moments of being horrible, disrespectful, and then transition to being loving, caring, attentive, and there for the moment. Watching her live, laugh, fight, and love I couldn’t imagine wanting to be like someone on television. I knew at that moment that being real and in the reality of my life was important and that I needed to step out of what was entertainment and start focusing on what was my future. Though the fears of being the real me loomed over my head, I started feeling more confident that I could be someone different from everyone else. I remember one morning sitting with my mom watching Golden Girls and drinking coffee, my mother asked me, “So when are you going to get married and have me some grand kids?” I looked at my mom while stirring the creamer into my coffee and said, “When I can find a woman that will have the kids for me and let me raise them on my own.” My mom gave me a smile and a nod and then we started talking about her issues at work and the episode of Golden Girls. It was at that moment I knew my mom and I had created a relationship that was far deeper than mother and son. We had become friends on a spiritual level and I felt that finally there was someone that recognized that there was more to me than just being an 11 year old kid. My mother noticed that I had more knowledge of the world than most my age. The conversations we had from that morning on became deeper and more profound. Years can seem like weeks when you are filling your days with new and untapped experiences. Before I could blink my eyes I was ready to work. I started looking for a job with I was 10 years old but nothing ever came of it until my nephew was born. Instantly this parental mindset appeared. I knew how to change a diaper, I knew how to make the formula, I knew when my nephew was hungry, tired, scared, mad, or just wanted to be held. That desire to become a parent became stronger in me. So the desire to have a job that paid became my main priority. The reputation of being good with kids flew through the neighborhood like the free lunch van every Saturday. Before I knew it I was getting friends of my siblings asking me to watch their kids. I loved the experience and the trust I received. It started me becoming more aware of my abilities to adapt, conquer a chore and make it my own.