How I Became Me Chapter 6

It seemed effortless the way I adjusted to city life. Once I started working at Apple Bee’s I became more expressive, more humorous, more vocal, and more aware of my sexuality. There were very attractive people coming in and leaving the restaurant daily. I would get hit on by young and old guys. I always had this fragile sense of self growing up. I thought that my legs were to girly based on what kids would say at school, I thought my ass was too big based on the comments kids would make, and kids would tease my lips saying I had lips like a girl. Those childish words didn’t bother me on the surface but actually those feelings of being different buried themselves deep inside my subconscious. I never noticed them until I started getting actual compliments about the very things people would pick on. My work ethic was much like my mom’s. I did several responsibilities when I was hired to only do one. The thing with me is that I get bored easily and I love a challenge. It got to the point where I could do whatever I wanted to do because I was such a good employee. The weekends were always like working in a night club which is why it was called “Club Applebee’s” Amanda and I started making money in different ways. We would take money from young guys trying to impress their dates, so when we were full and had to start putting names on the list we would take money and then work the table we sat them at. There would be nights when I came home with anywhere between $500 to $800 and that included tips for bussing tables and being the bartender’s back up. There would be nights when we were short staffed and I started working behind the bar making drinks to keep the bar moving smoothly. I would be off of work but would come in with my book bag hoping that they needed help and just about every time I came in I would start working. It was like I was addicted to making money and working hard. It was such an empowering feeling to be able to go to the mall and shop. I could buy whatever I wanted and not worry about having enough to cover it. It didn’t take long to get use to Atlanta since I was taken around by everyone I knew. Eventually I started using MARTA on my own. After work we would have friends over where we would drink, eat, smoke weed, play cards, or just hang out and trip until the early morning. It was so exciting having older friends that didn’t question my sexuality, no one made disrespectful statements towards me, everyone was so loving and caring to me like they were family. Eventually we started going to clubs and then my dancing took on another form. When I started dancing with my brother and our group we had routines that were age appropriate, when I became older we moved to an apartment complex where I met 2 young ladies that I would see dancing in front of their apartment just about every day. They were Melvina and Ameera. I would watch in total amazement how they could make their bodies move and how on point they were. One day I just walked over and asked them could I join their group and before I knew it I was G-Money in a group called 2-Tough! Dancing with Melvina and Ameera made me aware of my body. I could grind, I could drop it like it’s hot, I could lift my leg and grind in circles, it was the most fascinating feeling knowing that I could be sexy and attract people to me through my ability to dance. It was because of those girls I was able to become more confident and then have my mind opened to the many possibilities of taking something that I learned and making my own. The clubs in Atlanta were amazing to me, especially since I never really experienced club life. In Atlanta I used my brother Jake’s ID and they never really paid attention to it. I was much taller than my older brother and I weighed more but as long as you confidently handed it to the bouncer you were in. I used it all through my years in Atlanta until I was old enough to have my own. All of a sudden I was working, I was hanging out with friends, I was going shopping, I was handling chores at home, I was becoming this responsible young adult and I loved the part. Responsibility is something I never really thought about because my life was always controlled by my family taking care of me and at the same time I was taking care of more than someone my age should have been responsible for. The older I got and the more experiences I had my mind started opening to the life I lived back home. I was a babysitter, I was the cook, and I was the relationship therapist. I guess because I did it so often it didn’t feel like I was being pulled in several different directions. I felt like I was doing what I was meant to do and it didn’t seem to hurt, but now reflecting on it I was becoming withdrawn and empty inside. I was living for everyone and I wasn’t living for me. Being away from Aiken gave me the insight on my life that I was missing. I suddenly started piecing together those reasons my walls were so high and so unbreakable. I couldn’t see past what was going in everyone else’s lives. I lived for my family at the cost of dying inside. The emotions were powerful and I allowed my anger to fester into hatred and distance. I changed from being a nice guy who loved everyone to this mean spirited young gay man that wanted to make people pay for the pain I carried in my heart. I remember when I first worked on a shift at Apple Bee’s on my own. My brother Pete was off and Amanda left early. I was helping as I always did. Passing this particular table I noticed that this handsome dark skinned guy and this heavy set fair skinned young lady were not being greeted and no one appeared to have taken any orders. I walked up to the table and asked if they were being taken care of. The gentlemen stated that they were waiting on their drinks and the waitress that was taking care of them suddenly stopped coming over to check on them. I asked what did they order to drink and I went to the bar to check on the order. The drinks had been sitting there so long the garnishes were warm. So I went behind the bar and made their drinks over again. When I walked over the guy thanked me for coming over and taking care of them. He said his name was Diamond and because I took care of them he was going to give me a big tip. So I took their food orders and made sure they were served. At the end of their meal the young lady left first and the guy said he would be right back. He said he had to go to the men’s room really quick. I remember thinking that he was going to do a dine and dash because of the way the waitress neglecting them. As soon as I began to curse and get frustrated I heard my name and it was Diamond standing by the phone booth. When I got to the phone booth he handed me a $20. As soon as he handed it to me he asked for it back. He asked me if I had a pen and so I handed him a pen out of my apron. He wrote his phone number down and told me to call him when I got off of work. I told him that I would be leaving around 3:30AM; he said he didn’t care; he wanted to talk to me. He shook my hand and at the end of the shake I felt him caress my wrist. Instantly my body got hot and I could feel sensations that I’d never experienced before. At the end of my shift I broke down my station, counted out my money, and separated my tips from the tips I had to give the bus boy and bartender. All I could think about was Diamond and how he made me feel when he touched me. My heart raced and I couldn’t pay attention to anything anyone was saying. As we all left the now dark and deserted restaurant I could see Amanda and Pete waiting in the car to take me home. On the entire ride back I was dazed and at the same time nervous. It felt like I was about to audition for a play or something. The feeling was new and powerful, I didn’t know where it was going but I knew I wanted to find out. As soon as I got home I threw off my uniform and jumped in the shower. After getting on my night clothes I grabbed the house phone and called Diamond. After 3 rings he picked up and we began to talk. I found myself blushing through the conversation. He was very flirty and constantly repeated that I had beautiful legs, he said my eyes were so invited and sensual, and he loved how perfectly shaped my lips were. When I started at Apple Bee’s I would wear baggy pants and over sized shirts. Once Brad realized that I was getting hit on he told me that I needed to wear more fitting shorts and pants. I actually thought he was checking me out but it turns out that he noticed all of his employees that could pull in patrons that had money and would love to spend it as long as they had attractive people waiting on them. At the end of our conversation Diamond asked if we could have dinner the following night. I immediately said yes and he said goodnight sexy and I’ll see you later. My face was so hot from excitement and anticipation. From the conversation I learned that Diamond was a producer, writer, and rapper. Though that didn’t make me as excited as him saying how attractive I was and how he wanted to get to know me more. That would be the first love of my life and at the same time the biggest scandal I would ever have the involvement in. I guess the saying, “It’s too good to be true” is actually on point.