How I Became Me Chapter 34

Fifth Component: Affection Now over the many years I have been in the dating scene this particular subject has caused great pain and great disappointment. I have been with guys that had no clue what affection meant and when to apply it to your relationship. I have met guys that were afraid to show affection because they felt that showing that side of them would make them look weak and soft. I have had guys that wanted us to appear as boys in public but wanted to be under me when we were alone. Not to get me confused with saying that I want to be hugged on, kissed on, and touched all over while we are grocery shopping, there is just many forms of affection that can be felt between the two people in the relationship. If you are with someone and you don’t know what makes them happy and what makes them feel loved then chances are you just don’t care or you don’t pay enough attention to your love. My relationship with Chase has never felt the loss of affection. Our first physical encounter spoke as if we were together years prior to our first meeting. We both crave much affection and miss it if it isn’t done on a regular. That was never a real discussion between us when we first started dating; it was more of an innate sense that we both needed it. It’s like reading body language with someone that you are falling in love with. It is unexplainable at times but we can somehow feel when we need a form of affection. As I said before, there are several forms of affection that can be felt and noticed by only the two people involved or outside people that share that same sense of expression in their love life. A look is affection because there is this passionate look that you gaze at your partner. When they look back at you it is as you’re talking to one another telepathically. It sends this message directly to your brain and you feel your partner loving you through their stare. You have the cute bump on one another. You can be standing in line at the super market or any place out in public and you give your partner this cute like push to let them know you are feeling them in your own way. Chase and I do it all the time and it makes your heart warm when you feel that little gesture of affection. There are times when we pinch one another really softly, when we stand very close to one another in a line or while walking around. We have little sayings towards each other when we are feeling a need to be close; pet names, cute statements, even songs sung directly to one another is a form of affection. The reason why you label these as affection is because you don’t do these things with friends and family. No matter if you are a very affection family there is still a limit to your expression to one another that has no comparison to the way you express it with your partner. When you have taken your relationship to the level of physical expression then affection becomes deeper and more mental than physical. At times I can be starring at Chase and find myself loving him without even touching him. I can be at work and a thought passes my mind, I feel the warm sensation that I feel when we are with one another. Those memories and mental pictures are a form of affection because it is deeply intimate and it creates sensations throughout your mind and body. These are feelings that can’t be compared to anything else and can never be duplicated by another. Affection is a major component in love because without words it tells your partner how much you love them. You hear so often people saying, “Show me and stop telling me”, well that is a true way of honoring that request. If being touchy feely isn’t your thing and you are in a relationship with someone that needs it, then chances are the relationship will become rocky and there will be those cracks in the foundation. At times those cracks lead to people noticing that your relationship is lacking strength. Vultures will swoop in to try and work on that part of the relationship that is lacking. It’s that same experience when you go out in a social setting and your single looking for a mate, there seems to be no one that is attracted to you because you may appear desperate, you may give off this signal that you are in major need of attention and most people find that to be a red flag to walk in the other direction. When you are single you give off this energy that tells most people that if given the right circumstances you will give it up to anyone that hits the right notes to your tune. It has happened to me many times and I have witnessed it happen to people I know. When you want love it doesn’t always appear, but as soon as you have love, everyone is falling at your feet. After Eugene passed away I was unsure if I even wanted to be in love again. The very thought of becoming that serious with another man terrified me, but I still wanted to experience that closeness and affection. Eugene died so our relationship may have ended physically but there was still that attachment that could be sensed in the air by guys looking for someone that wasn’t available. I got into many relationships not matter how long or short, but they all stemmed from the thought that I was unavailable, and for some reason it is always the ones you can’t have that you want the most. Getting into this new life with Chase was both scary and exciting. I could see early on that we shared so many of the same expressions of affection toward one another. There would be times when I wouldn’t hug him as hard, or wouldn’t rub his hair as much, or I wouldn’t kiss him as passionately to see if there would be a reaction. Every single time I changed my affection towards him he noticed and became upset expressing that he longs for those things that I decided to pull back on. It wasn’t a test to work his nerves it was more of an experiment to see if he in fact really loved those things or was he just adapting to my need for them. We have been together almost 3 years and we each have experienced the wrath of forgetting to give a kiss and say, “I love you” when we leave the house. I remember the first time Chase left the house to go to work without telling me he loved me and giving me my morning kiss. The craziest thing about this was I was dead sleep and couldn’t tell you when he woke up, what he put on, what show he was watching as he got dressed, but I woke up out of a deep sleep, grabbed my and sent him a very angry text telling him that he left the house without telling me he loved me and giving my morning kiss. He immediately responded and apologized because he had a long drive ahead and his mind was on other things. My slip up happened one morning when I had to run to work. It was a very busy week and I also had a lot on my mind. I remember saying to myself, “Let me kiss him and tell him I love him” but got distracted by something else. I was in the car and while I was driving I felt my phone vibrating in my shirt pocket. When I pulled the phone out I saw that it was Chase calling and I instantly knew what I forgot to do. I let him get his scolding out because I deserved it and then I laughed to myself because I remembered how I felt when he did me the same way. At that moment I knew that we were cut from the same cloth and I love it. People sometimes will but the strength of the relationship in how their partner expresses their affection. There are those men that wait for special occasions to show they love their partner, some women will pull back on the affection to give their partner space while feeling lacked in that part of their desires. It is never a good thing to go without what makes you happy. If someone shows you affection and then pulls back, that causes the doubt, insecurity, and fear that the relationship is falling apart. If someone isn’t that affectionate in the beginning and then start to go totally overboard with the affection it can be seen as if they have done something wrong and they are trying to make it up by giving into what their partner was missing. These are merely opinions by someone that values those measures taken to show that person you love them. It doesn’t take a lot to make someone feel special and feel that they are loved and appreciated. When you enter a relationship with someone you really must lay down all the needs and expectations. It’s not a list of demands but a list of what makes you happy and you are worth those measures because you are giving them what they need and desire. Love is hand in hand and should never be seen one sided. If you are getting what you want and need but choose when you feel like returning the favor, you are dead wrong and you don’t deserve the love someone is giving you. To make a relationship last we all need to find that medium, find a compromise that makes both parties happy. Communication and Respect are components that are needed and together they can be placed in the mix with affection. Through affection you are communicating your love for someone and through acting on the needs of your partner will give them your total respect and will show them that you care. Some people love the beginning of relationships because it’s exciting, hyper emotional, hyper sexual, and everything is brand new and you are breaking the seal off of a new experience. Once life starts entering into the equation most people become complacent and they forget what brought them into the relationship. It can be so easy for someone to take their lover or partner for granted. Speaking honestly, Chase has fallen into that rut a few times. They just expect you to be there, to understand that they have a lot going on, and if you do the same to them, their ego is stepped on and they cry out in protest. There was a point in our relationship where Chase had so much happening to him emotionally that he started falling short on the things that made our relationship strong. We became distant, we started having arguments left and right, we started drifting apart, and it finally came to the point where the end was near. We both had to step back and Chase needed that emotional slap to get him back in focus on us. He started realizing that the reason we were becoming unhappy with one another was because those affectionate moments that calmed us were becoming further and further apart. We both were going through hard times in our lives but once Chase started to drift away from us I retaliated by cutting him from what he needed to feel loved. Even in the best relationships those lessons need to be learned. You can be so happy with someone that when you aren’t giving them the attention they deserve or require, you miss it because it is second nature to you and you really think that you are giving the same dosage that you normally give them. After a few fallouts I decided that the approach shouldn’t make matters worse they should bring the attention back to our home and what made us special. The affection in our relationship has become stronger than ever and it seems to consistently grow as time goes on. If one of us is sick then the other gets into caregiver mode, when one of us are faced with troubles on the job, the other jumps into the role as cheerleader. You need that constantly and no matter how long you are together you must remain consistent because it’s the little things that mean a lot. People think that the big things far out weight the little, but to try to push yourself to go bigger with each expression will drain you and burn you out, but if you remain focused on the little things that are hard to forget, when you do go big it will be appreciated far more than if you keep trying to top each show of affection. Know the person you love and don’t compare them to other people or have outsiders give you advice on what makes their partner happy. You know your love and you know what makes them smile. Not everyone will react the same way to the same things. If money is no issue and you purchase them a car that you feel will be their dream car, they could respond to you by saying, “We can’t afford this”, “We didn’t need to make such a huge purchase”, to some people that response would sound ungrateful, but to people that look at your lives long term the response is practical and unselfish. Gestures of love are not weighed by monetary value; they are fueled by emotion and true love. When you do anything for someone you love it can be felt by the gesture and not the delivery. Never forget the value of affection and how it can weather any storm a relationship may face. When you have truly connected to someone in a way that cannot be expressed by words, then you are on a level that no one but the one you love will understand. Affection cannot be weighed, measured, or placed with a dollar amount, affection is priceless and it will never run out of steam as long as the actions and expressions are genuine and only for that special person. If you are someone that doesn’t feel comfortable with another person giving you affection then I would challenge you to take a long look at yourself and answer this question, “If you don’t want to be touched, hugged on, kissed on, loved on, and held tight, then would it be wrong for your partner to not want you to have your way with them sexually?” Sex is only sex when emotions are not present during. Love making is pure affection because with this action you and your partner are connecting in a way that will cover your future and your experiences together forever. People confuse these things called sex and affection. Just because at the end of a sexual encounter you feel satisfied that doesn’t mean that your partner feels equally satisfied. You may have a reputation of being a master in the bedroom, but if that part of you was taken away, what would you have to offer? If all you were known for was sex, if by some freak of nature incident took that part of you away, would you simply throw in the towel and never to be considered again? If you have talents in that arena, then take it a step further and give more than a climax. Offer your partner something that measure more than what you do under the sheets. I promise you that in the future these actions will make your memory stronger and more relevant to the person left with them. My relationship with Chase has placed me on a level where I want to be with someone that I could not live without over someone I could live with. It is really difficult to find a warm body to have in your life, but other than the body temperature, what else does this person do for you and to you? Can this person make you smile in your worse moment? Can this person take away your fears with a hug or a kiss? Can this person make you feel secure by just holding you in their arms? Can this person make you look at yourself with more gratitude, confidence, and strength because that is how they view you? Can this person stand alone from your past experiences and others that are in your eye sight? Is this person the savior of your thirst for love and happiness? Is this person the reason you smile bigger and bigger by the day? Is this person the reason that no matter how horrible life gets you still can hold on to this light that refuses to dim or fade? Is this person the reason you fear the end because you fear not being with them over not being here? Once you get to that place in your life when every answer to those questions reflect the person you are in a relationship then you have truly understood the path you’ve traveled, learned from your mistakes, taken on challenges and came out the victor. Your journey isn’t just what you have coming to you personally; it also represents who you’ve chosen to be your partner in life and love. The decisions we make in our life count either towards a brighter future or a darker journey. If you have made the best choice when it comes to your partner, then everything you face in the future, though unsure, won’t be impossible because you are only as weak as your imagination. My relationship with Chase isn’t just exciting because of the moments we share, it’s powerful because what we have done for and to one another shows throughout our lives and people can see a happiness that cannot be explained. When you are adding riches to your soul, the glow that comes from your heart will blind those that mean you wrong and draw to you those that share in your happiness. The truth in affection is that it transcends through every relationship, every encounter, every moment spent with family, friends, and people you are getting to know. The root of all relationships hold a form of affection that connects you to the people meant for your life and meant to enrich your life with riches that won’t buy you a damn thing but will make you feel richer than any celebrity. It is in those relationships you truly see yourself and understand why you are worth the past you’ve survived, understood the challenges thrown your way, and the acceptance that you are worthy of this person that loves you unconditionally. The saying, “You can’t love someone else if you can’t love yourself” is the truest statement to live by. You can’t expect someone to see what you are worth if your worth is measured by the bad things you’ve seen and been through. Tests and trials are ongoing and no matter how happy you are there will be a lot more ahead. The key to success in life and inner peace is being able to give yourself the affection you need and then share those needs with the person you end up with and will love until your end. Never fear being alone, because if you can’t enjoy spending time by yourself how in the hell can you expect anyone to want to spend time with you?

How I Became Me Chapter 33

In any relationship, communication is the key to a successful relationship. When we choose not to listen or convey ourselves accurately, we leave what we have said or what we have not said to interpretation. If you walk away from a conversation feeling like you haven’t fully explained what you wanted, then chances are the person you talked to feels the same way. If you do this often, people will write you off as someone that can’t express their feelings truthfully and accurately. Your reputation as a person is built on how you carry yourself, how you handle situations, and how you communicate with those around you. I have had several experiences where I explained myself very directly and very precise, just to have the person I spoke to confused or not really tuned in when we were talking. My relationship with Eugene was horrible when it came to communication. I would tell him something and he allowed me to walk away without telling me he didn’t understand, didn’t agree, or could comprehend what I wanted. One example was about the studio drama when he involved my brother and cousin because he chose not to trust me but my information to him was pretty simple and there wasn’t room for doubt or misunderstanding. Though there were several moments like this, one stands out the most because as usual it involved my family. It was a Friday and I was getting furniture from a friend of the family named Walter. I got rid of all of my old furniture when Dennis and I moved into our new apartment. At this time it was just Dennis and myself, money was coming in, my maturity about paying bills and being responsible was getting to a place where I started budgeting and making smarter choices. The issue with Eugene on the studio was long past and I wanted us to move away from that moment and learn from the mistakes made on his part. This day started off as they all did. Eugene got up before me and went to work; I then got up about an hour later and headed to work myself. When I made it to work I would page Eugene or leave him a message. While on my lunch break I got a call from Jake’s boyfriend Reggie. Reggie told me that Walter was moving and he wanted to sell me his entire bedroom set. It was perfect for me because I’d gotten rid of my old furniture and I was in desperate need of some more. I only had a mattress and my clothes were all stuffed in my closet. So I told Reggie to let Walker know I could come by that night to give him the $100 he quoted for an entire bedroom set. He was selling me a TV stand, bed frame, base and head board, dresser, cd racks, and two lamps. That was more than I was expecting but for the price I couldn’t turn it down. After hanging up with Reggie I sent Eugene a page to have him call me back so I could explain to him what I wanted to do after work. This particular night we were going to hang out with Jake and Reggie at their house for dinner, but I wanted to get the furniture before that so I could get my room together before Saturday. I got this personality trait from my Mom where I couldn’t rest until all boxes were unpacked and everything was placed where I wanted it to be. If I didn’t do it I couldn’t sleep and it would completely mess me up until I took care of it. So planning to do it before dinner was perfect for me and by the time I came back home all I had to do was get in bed. After about an hour Eugene called me at work to find out what was going on. Me: “Hey E, I just found out that Walter has a bedroom set he needs to get rid of and he’s selling it to me for $100.” Eugene: “Damn that’s good; he really looked out for you on that one. So when are you getting it from him?” Me: “We have dinner plans with Jake and Reggie, so I wanted to run to Walter’s place before we go to their house for dinner. That way I can get things in order and be set for the weekend.” Eugene: “Yeah I know how you do…you won’t relax until you decorate the room and you won’t let me lift a finger to help.” Me: “Well it’s what I do and you love it so stop tripping. Ok, this is what I want to do…When you pick me up from work I want to stop by an ATM to get the money, I want to meet with Walter to get the furniture, head back to the house, put everything up, and then head to Jake and Reggie’s place. The only issue I just thought about was we are going to need a truck…your Camaro is way too small to take all of that furniture. Damn! Let me call Reggie back to see if he can help me out.” Eugene: “Ok, let me know what he tells you.” After hanging up with Eugene I called Reggie back at his shop to see if he could help me get the furniture. To my luck Reggie said he could borrow his co-worker’s truck and ride to Walter’s place with me to get the furniture. That helped settle the biggest issue and so I decide to page Eugene to explain the plan change. After about 20 minutes Eugene called me back. Me: “Hey, so Reggie can get a co-worker’s truck to help me get the furniture. So I am going to get off at 5, head on down to the train station, go to Reggie’s salon and then he’ll take me to Walter’s place, I’ll pay him and get the furniture, then call you once I’m at Jake’s and Reggie’s place. Reggie said that his co-worker has his car and will stop by to pick up his truck. Eugene: “Ok that’s cool. I need to stop by my mom’s place before I head over there anyway.” Me: “Ok that’s good; I’ll page you when I’m headed over to their place so you can meet me there. After dinner we can go and pick up some movies for this weekend. Love you. Eugene: “Cool, love you to.” After hanging up I felt so excited. Things were falling into place, I was getting my room how I wanted with the furniture I needed, Eugene and I were doing better in our relationship, and Eugene was becoming closer to my brother Jake and his love Reggie. I’ve always wanted to have another couple to hang out with and now we have them. We do things just about every weekend and we always have so much fun together. At 5 o’clock I headed on out of the building and ran to the 5 Points Train Station. It took me about 30 minutes to make it to Reggie’s hair salon. Once I got there I sent Eugene a page to tell him I was waiting on Reggie to finish his last client and I would page him again once we leave. About 2 hours later we were headed out and I page Eugene to let him know we were on our way to Walter’s house. I told him that I would page him once I got there and once I’m done and heading home to do my room. Once I got home it didn’t take me no more than 30 minutes to get my room how I wanted, I had in my mind the set up and where everything was going. I paged Eugene after I finished my room and told him I was headed over to Jake and Reggie’s place. While on our way Reggie got a call from Jake. At first I thought that they were having an argument but once I started hearing Jake’s voice more clearer I heard him say Eugene’s name a few times. While holding the phone to his ear Reggie turned to me and asked me, “Did you tell Eugene to go our place an hour ago?” I was stunned because I know for sure that I told Eugene to wait until I paged him to let him know I was on my way. I shook my head and told Reggie no and Reggie commented that he remembered what I told Eugene. I didn’t think much of it, I just assumed that once we got there he would be cool since he was there hanging with Jake. On the ride to their house Reggie and I talked about the issues in my relationship with Eugene. Me: “Man it is like talking to a child. I can tell him something in such detail but he processes it and fucks it all to hell. It is so annoying for a grown man not to comprehend when someone is talking to him. I want to enjoy myself tonight so we won’t discuss it.” Reggie: “I notice that. It’s like he has a problem trusting you when you are very open and honest with him. I have seen you tell him something and then minutes later I see you frustrated because he didn’t do what you asked or he totally forgets what you told him. It’s just communication problems and maybe he’ll get better the longer you are together.” Me: “I hope so because I am so tired of having to explain myself over and over again. He catches an attitude when he is wrong but doesn’t recognize that I try my best to work with him and get an understanding between us.” When we got to Reggie and Jake’s we walked in and instantly I saw Jake’s face and he was pissed. Jake: “What is Eugene’s fucking problem? I almost beat his fat ass for disrespecting my brother.” I saw Jake’s eyes and I could tell he was overly heated. I felt angry and at the same time embarrassed because this seemed to be a regular occurrence for Eugene to cause an issue in front of my family. It’s hard to defend someone when they make a total ass of themselves. Reggie: “What happened?” Jake: “After you called me when you left the salon I heard a knock on the door. I was just getting home and getting the food together. When I went to the door it was Eugene. The way he was looking scared me because I thought he was about to tell me something happened to my baby. He walked in and was angry talking a lot of shit about how you always tell him something and do the opposite. He said that you always run around and keep things from him. I told him that you were headed over to Walter’s to get the furniture and you would be headed back here once you dropped it off. He started asking who Walter was and were you really with Reggie or not? I got pissed and told him to take his fat ass out of my house before I beat his ass. He walked out and I called Reggie to see if you were all right.” I stood there motionless and pissed to high hot hell. I cannot believe that we are going through something so silly over something so simple. I cannot understand for the life of me why it is so difficult for him to take in information and process it like a normal person. I put together that he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the case from the fact that he was pushed through school due to his sports career. I knew that he lacked common sense from some of the stuff I’d noticed when dealing with him. Now I saw that the biggest issue we had was him not trusting me at all. I could deal with a lot of things that come with being in a relationship but if you can’t trust me then you need to leave me the hell alone. I paged him while Jake was cooking and Reggie was walking outside to hand his friend the keys to his truck. Eugene didn’t call back so I assumed he was with his mom and just didn’t want to talk to me since he’s built his self up on nonsense. The thing I was raised to see was if someone you are in a relationship is constantly accusing you of not being trustworthy then chances are they are the ones with trust issues and they are trying to cover up their dirt by making you look like the villain. About an hour later there was a knock on the door. I answered it because I was closest and when I peeped though the peep hole I could tell it was Eugene. As soon as I opened the door he started popping off on me. Eugene: “Where in the fuck did you go tonight? You weren’t with Reggie. Who is Walter and why didn’t you let me take you to his place?” Me; “First of all you need to step the fuck out of my face and take your ignorant ass outside because you are not welcome in my brother’s house talking shit to me like you are.” Eugene: “You…” Me: “Shut the hell up and listen for a damn change. I explained to you exactly what I was doing. I paged you constantly and you knew damn well that I was getting the furniture; you knew I was with Reggie and you know who the fuck Walter is because we’ve gone out with him several times. I am so tired of you accusing me of being shady and sneaky. It’s obvious your low down ass is doing some dirt and you keep trying to make everyone believe it’s me. You can take your tired ass home and stay the hell away from me.” As I went to close the door I could see in his face that he felt stupid and he knew that he was dead wrong for acting out the way he was. As I walked away from the door I heard him knocking again. I opened the door and stood there waiting to see what he was going to say next. Eugene: “I’m sorry…I just got worried about you…” Me: “Bullshit! We’re done here.” Eugene: “So you are breaking up with me?” Me: “Wow! So you figured that one out all on your own.” Eugene: “Can I have my jacket back?” Me: “Here you go.” I threw his jacket to him and closed the door. For the rest of the night I laughed and dined with Jake and Reggie. After dealing with years of messy encounters such as those I decided that I would not change the way I communicate but I have matured so my approach is less attitude and more to the point of the matter. Chase has and had an issue with communication. When we sit to talk there are moments where I’m the only one expressing myself and he sits there with not much to say in return or to share anything that may have been a similar occurrence in his life. I have had several conversations with him about the lack of communication between us and his response is basically the same, “I’m working on it.” Over the years it has changed but there are still moments when the lack of communication creates things that should not be if both parties involved received the same message. Chase has his moments now when he expresses his self and it is so much better than how it was in the beginning. Chase is the type of person that is more concerned about your feelings, your well-being, but he holds his own story inside. I have said to him time and time again that he only hurts his self and it limits his interaction when you aren’t allowing people a chance to see inside of him. Most of our issues came from that very problem. When you are in a relationship with an extrovert that expresses his self constantly and in many ways, it can be overwhelming when you are the opposite. There are moments when he does open up but he falls into that same place where he holds his feelings in. Knowing that I wasn’t going anywhere and we were staying together I decided that maybe a different approach would make him feel more inclined to open up without feeling pressed to do so. We now have a form of humor that allows us the chance to get things off of our chest and when we have those deep moments of conversation we feel comfortable and the conversation does balance both ways. I still communicate more than he does but the level he is on from where we started has only strengthened our relationship and has shown him that our world is together and we are one another’s protectors, confidantes, ears, shoulders, and support system. We have been together almost 3 years and it is so easy to read one another. We both can tell when the other is holding something in, when we aren’t sharing what we really want to share, and when we are trying to be guarded because we don’t want to come off the wrong way towards one another. When you take the time to communicate in a way the works in your relationship, outside of that you are good to go because no matter how the world reacts to your expression, there is that one person that knows where you are coming from and will always be there in your corner. Once you get to the point in a relationship where someone tells you the other person said this or that and you can decipher that it did not come from your partner’s lips, you are connected and that connection can never be broken by outside forces surrounding your relationship. Your home is your castle, you serenity, and your place of total freedom and peace. The moment the connection with your partner has been created, and then home truly feels like home and no matter what happens in the world you are protected by a love greater than time. The key to happiness is adapting to your surroundings and having a solid understanding of what’s going on. If you want someone to take you seriously, to support you more, to understand your feelings, then you need to learn communication in order for anyone to give you those things that you value and require; you must do the work as well.

How I Became Me Chapter 32

Third Component: Respect It is often said that you cannot be respected if you don’t respect yourself. Growing up in South Carolina and then migrating to Atlanta I experienced a culture shock in the way people lived. I was always use to the surroundings never changing, seeing people that I’ve known my entire life. Coming into a place much bigger, faster, and full of different walks of life you can get lost in the flow of things. As a child I had this bright and bubbly person just wanting to come out but I was rarely around people that shared that same enthusiasm. That was until I met Meerah and Melvina. When I was younger I became a part of the group named by my little brother Arnold. Young Image brought me one step closer to being who I was inside. My shyness was strong and it was a long process to get out of my own way. The icing on the cake was who I became around Meerah and Melvina. I remembered the first time I saw them, they were practicing dance moves and instantly I was drawn to them. I was shy and it was difficult for me to approach anyone, but after watching them for about an hour or so, something in me pushed me towards them and before I knew it I was asking them, “Can I dance with you guys?” It was an instant connection and we became tight that first night we met. Every day after school and on through the night we practiced. We were watched by our neighbors and then other people would come to Cushman Arms Apartments to see us perform. I felt like a local celebrity and the shyness that held me back for so long seemed to disappear. Years went by and we lost touch. I moved to Atlanta but never forgot them. Now that I am back in the south I have reconnected with them and it was as if we only were apart from each other less than a year. It didn’t dawn on us until we started talking that we haven’t been together for 20 years. It is truly a full circle moment. In the beginning of my dating years I was unsure of the approach when it came to dating. I tampered with different ways of trying to connect. It was never me to walk up to a guy and ask him for his name and number or even as him to dance. For the most part I would be approached and it became so regular that I never spoke to a man unless he approached me. I started to get a reputation of being stuck up and difficult, but that was so far from the truth. Even when Rick and I were out together people would say the same thing about him. To us it was just how we hung out, we had no intentions of blowing people off, and we damn sure didn’t feel we were better than anyone else. Having respect for your self was very important to me and Rick was very strong on being respectful of others and expecting respect in return. At first I would objectify myself because of the high I got when guys would flirt with me. The attention was intoxicating and I was addicted to it. I wasn’t use to have guys openly walking up to me and flirting with me. In Aiken, the limited amount of men I knew were into guys were so deep in the closet they got stuck. This experience in Atlanta was truly a new world to me and I was not really prepared for what was to come. It wasn’t visible, the level of disrespect I received until the night when I met Roger. Roger was a guy that I noticed every time I went to the club. At first it was just sharing the occasional eye contact, then one night I was on the dance floor and he walked up to me and started dancing on me. It never came to my attention that it was more than just club flirting; I never saw anything more to it than that. I knew I wanted more from a man but I was still new to the scene. I remember one Saturday night Rick and I were going to meet one another at “The Palace”. Rick was leaving a friend’s house and I was coming from my side of town. We got to the club and as always, we were greeted by the employees that knew us. We were given our free drinks; we sat at the bar downstairs and talked with our regular crew. After a moment of conversation we decided to go upstairs where they played the dance music. As soon as we got upstairs I was pulled by my arm to the dance floor. It happened so fast I didn’t notice who pulled me. When I got on the dance floor I noticed it was Roger. I don’t know if it was because Rick was with me or maybe because I only had one drink, but I was very offended with how he just walked up to me and pulled me to the dance floor. He started grinding on me and really getting overly sexual which was not the norm for us. I could feel Rick’s eyes on him and I could only imagine how much Rick wanted to hurt him for disrespecting his little brother. Before I could say a word Rick walked up to Roger and let him know how he felt by his actions. Rick: “First of all you don’t just walk up to my brother and pull him like he’s one of your play things. I don’t know who the hell you think you are but you better never let me see you do that again.” Needless to say Richard was pissed and everyone that knew my brother knew that he would rip anyone apart for messing with his baby brother. When I first experienced this side of Rick I was embarrassed but now that I’m older and I understand how dangerous it is in life and how stressful it can be to be so protective of someone you love, I just stand back and let him be my big brother. From that night on I would get people telling me the horrible lies Roger started to spread about me. He told people that I was a tease, that I invited him to my house and wouldn’t give it up to him. When I would meet guys at the club they would be noticeably apprehensive about approaching me. Until one night I couldn’t take the bullshit anymore. Rick and I were walking downstairs so we could talk to a few friends that came to the club that night and I saw Roger. When I passed him by I turned and noticed that he was pointing at me and whispering in the ear of a guy that was giving me the eye since I came in. I knew that Roger was yet again blocking me from meeting anyone so I decided to end the crap once and for all. Me: “Roger what in the fuck is wrong with you? First of all you can stop lying to everyone about us going home together because I never once invited your drunk and tired ass to my house. You were shamed by my brother and like the bitch you are, you want to start giving me a bad reputation. As far as everyone around this fucking club that wants to believe the words of a known drunk, I’m glad you did because you saved me the trouble of finding out that you were as sorry as his ass is.” When I turned I saw this glow in Rick’s eyes. I could tell that he was proud of me and he felt that he didn’t have to look out for my all that much. That night was the night I understood the importance of respect and what you portray to people. I was just so caught up in the attention I was getting that I overlooked the fact that just because you are attractive, you don’t need to sell yourself short just for the attention and you should never allow yourself to be objectified by people. I spent so many years wanting to be different and wanting to stand out from other people that I missed the most important part of what that meant. From that night on my confidence and self respect were heightened and I knew what it meant to live either up to your reputation or to shatter a reputation created by people that want to break you down. My relationship with Chase has never experienced that need to remind one another to respect each other. Chase had to be shown that he deserved more respect. Throughout his entire life he lived by the design of other people and not once did he realize what he really wanted out of his own life. He was and is very devoted to his children, his family, and his community. That attribute has been the beacon of solace for him through the years. Even though you feel that you are doing your best to be the best you, there are still times when you sell yourself short. When Chase’s sexuality was exposed by his ex he suffered through a lot and it took its toll on him mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Because of his guilt he allowed his children to disrespect him, he let everyone take a piece of him and he did nothing to redeem his respect. I saw the toll and I felt the pain, but it angered me how he allowed his self to be placed on the bull’s eye when the marriage ended not by just his hands, but by the hands of his ex as well. I was ticked off on the response from his children and their lack of respect for the man that raised them, the man that sacrificed for them, the man that made the home they were being horrible to him in, and not to mention the cars that are being driven back and forth by them. I allowed Chase his moment to take it all in but I was not about to allow the destruction of a man’s life happen right before my eyes. The last straw for me was when he told me one of his sons’s said they hated me and when he tried to defend me they told him not to and he said he wasn’t. Once I heard that I went through the roof. Me: “Look I know this is hard for you but that is bullshit! You let your children disrespect me and they don’t even know me. You are their father and you are allowing them to curse at you and disrespect you and its fine that they do it because you feel guilty. Enough is enough! If you aren’t strong enough to stand up for yourself and then to teach your children respect for other adults, I would rather you leave and go back to Macon.” It was a harsh approach but I knew that if I fed into his weakness and sadness he wouldn’t pull his self back up and take back the control of his life that everyone was working together to destroy. I understood that his children were hurt but not child disrespects their parent in that way. I understood his ex was bitter but for her to allow the children to go on a rampage were totally ridiculous and I was not allowing that negative energy to enter our relationship and our home. The journey to get where we were together, the search after so many years of tragedy and pain, the hopelessness I survived, I just couldn’t imagine not standing strong and protecting him, not only from them but from his self. He was beating his self up for his past and not looking at the fact that he is out of that secret life and things may seem dark right now but it will get better. I wanted him to find his strength on his own so that he could take charge of his life and rebuild with what has been placed on the table for all involved. I knew that once he saw his way through this path he would come back on top, wiser, stronger, and more determined to live happier. That approach was a success, it took a while but eventually the relationships changed. Chased found his strength, he found his voice; he demanded and got his respect back. Once the secrets were revealed he learned that he had more people in his corner than he realized. For so long he was afraid of people knowing who he was and once they all found out, his friends stood strong and proud, ready to support him through what was going to be a difficult but necessary transition. Though there are several different means of respect, the most important one is self respect. Once you discover your respect, the rest of the world will either submit to it or be pushed away by it. When you have unwavering respect for yourself no one can push you down and no one can stand toe to toe with you because that strength you carry is powerful and cannot be measured by the simplicity of life and the many minor challenges that you may face. Since that moment was presented to our relationship we have built a foundation supported by the meaning of respect and what it means for everyone else to understand that just because your opinion is given, that doesn’t mean it will change who we are. Our relationship is strongest when both of us understand who we are, what we can do, and what we represent. We are both adults but we still look out for one another. Rick taught me early on that you can still be a hero to someone in your life and a hero doesn’t have to be a burden when you understand the truth and meaning behind that. The relationships from his past and the relationships in his present have grown into family and the ones that should never have been in his life has fallen as all weak connections do in time. The inner happiness Chase feels wasn’t given to him by me, by his parents, by his siblings, by his kids, and definitely not by his ex. The inner strength Chase feels comes from him and no one can or will take that away from him.

How I Became Me Chapter 31

Second Component: Self Awareness Ok…I know several people may say, “I am very aware of my actions and my personality” but are you so sure that what you think is actually being displayed for others to see? Have you ever had someone tell you, “I’m not sure if you are aware how you talk to people, but I think I should bring it to your attention that you can be…?” I am very certain that most people, if not everyone, have experienced that before. The thing about being confronted on our personality is that we tend to jump to the defensive even if what is being told to us sounds true. The bottom line is, majority of us hate to be called out and hate to be considered wrong. Being in a relationship with someone you tend you pick up on things that they may not even notice. There are times when you feel that you are shocked by their disregard for your feelings. You start to think that this person you love doesn’t love you on the same level that you love them. You may start to wonder if your relationship isn’t as strong as you were lead to believe. You may even start to think that your partner must being dipping out of the relationship and treating you like dirt is their way of getting out of the relationship and keeping the adultery going. There are moments that those could be accurate, but speaking from my own relationship, it wasn’t so. Chase had this part of his personality that used to piss the holy hell out of me. I would be telling him a story and the entire time I’m telling him the story he is repeating the words I say or trying to finish my sentence before I started. He would also make responsive sounds behind every single word that left my lips which would frustrate me because it would interrupt the flow of my story. Chase also had this way of making me sorry that I wasted my excitement with him. I could be over the moon about something and when I told him his response would be, “Oh”, “Wow”, “Hmmm”, “Really”. That drove me up the wall and I would stop talking to him about certain things. The biggest problem that came to me after it went on for awhile was that I never called him out on it or made him aware that it frustrated me and kept me from wanting to share anything with him. I took it that he just didn’t care; I figured that he would rather me not talk to him about certain things. Mind you that this was not the case, it was me internalizing the issue without talking it out with Chase. This brings me to a past relationship I had with a guy that obviously didn’t realize what people saw and what he thought he was projecting. I had a night of total boredom and I didn’t feel like going to a club or calling up someone I dated because the guys that I kept on file were starting to irritate me. So I decided to get back on the chat line to see if there was someone new I could connect with. I was in serious need of some stimulating conversation and hopefully a very deep connection. For the first hour I browsed about 50 profiles until I ran across Ramundo. Hearing his profile really peaked my interests and I wanted to see if he was actually like that. So I sent him a message letting him know that I was interested in a conversation and immediately he responded giving me his number and saying how impressed he was with my profile. I wrote his number down, got off of the chat line, and called Ramundo up for a conversation. Ramundo: “Hello…” Me: “Hi, is this Ramundo?” Ramundo: “Yes it is…” Me: “Hi there, it is nice to meet you. I was really taken by your profile. I enjoyed hearing you talk about music, spirituality, creating friendship and then growing it into a relationship. I must admit I have been trying to find someone to connect with but I keep running into the same type of guys, the ones that have so many people in their lives that they can’t balance a mere date or have a simple phone conversation.” Ramundo: “I know exactly how you feel. I just moved here from Maryland and I only have a hand full of friends. My roommate Don said I should try the chat line because you can weed out the bullshit and connect to some good people. I just posted my profile last night and here I am talking to you and I must admit I am enjoying everything about you right now.” Me: “I am feeling the exact same way. So tell me a little more about you.” Ramundo: “Well I am an only child, my mother passed recently and that is why I moved to Atlanta. I needed a fresh start. I love all sorts of music so you can call me eclectic. I am not into organized religion but I do believe in a higher power so I label myself spiritual. I want to eventually open up my own furniture store specializing in very sleek and modern furniture. I want to meet a man that shares my similar interests and I also want kids, so how about you?” Me: “Wow…first of all I would like to share my deepest condolences for your loss. I cannot imagine my mother not being here. I know it sounds silly but my mother is my everything, so I can only imagine what you are going through. As far as me…I am number 9 of 10 kids, I was originally born and raised in Aiken South Carolina, I love singing, dancing, and writing. I also believe in spirituality and not organized religion. My future dream is to become a singer, writer, and actor. I want to be married and I want 4 kids and 2 dogs, an Alaskan Husky and a yorkie.” Ramundo: “I am even more impressed by you. I love the fact that you know what you want and the fact that you have so many ambitions. I know you may get this a lot but why are you single? How in the hell is it possible that no man has picked you up and locked you in his life?” Me: “I honestly don’t have a solid answer to that. I know I can be very picky and I am very strong willed so most guys that I thought were the one felt intimidated by my personality. I’ve learned that no matter what people fear in you, there has got to be confidence in you and the right man will see what you really are and understand that it will take work to establish a lifelong relationship. I just don’t want to settle for anyone just because I want to be in love. I really want the right man to learn and grow with. Our generation enjoys the variety and not the quality of other men.” Ramundo: “That is all too right and I must admit it is really sad. I haven’t been here long but I can tell that there is a different breed of gay men here. I have noticed that guys always present themselves as available for love but they still want to hold on to the men in their lives before getting seriously involved with someone.” Me: “I have noticed that as well. Guys are afraid to give up entirely to another man so they hold on to guys as a security blanket. To me that just screams you don’t have the confidence in you to understand that you should be number one in their life.” For the rest of the night we talked and got deeper and deeper with one another. We finally agreed to meet the next day and before we ended the call we both expressed our satisfaction with one another. The next day I went to work and had Ramundo on my mind the entire day. I was so excited to have connected with a man that seems to be cut from the same cloth as I was. I didn’t allow any doubts or ill feelings creep into my subconscious because once I do, I’ll start looking for flaws and pieces that don’t fit. The day did fly by and before I knew it I was on the train headed to the Kensington train station to meet Ramundo. It was very convenient for me since I lived across the street from the station. As I walked onto the platform I saw this handsome man sitting and reading a book. He was the only person at the station and I was hoping it was Ramundo. He had very neat and clean dreads, he was wearing a linen outfit and he was wearing sandals. I don’t really get into feet but I must admit he had very cute feet. As I approached him I was hit with a scent that would be described as heaven. From head to toe Ramundo was just a neat, sexy, and very eclectic man. Me: “Ramundo?” Ramundo: “Hey…I was so nervous when I got here but I started to read my book so my nerves wouldn’t get the best of me. I don’t get into looks but I did get a little worried that you were too good to be true. Now that I’m looking at you I can honestly say you are the total package.” Me: “Damn you are trying to make my head explode with these compliments but I do appreciate them and I must admit I felt the same way and now that I’m right in front of you I am no longer worried.” We talked at the train station for hours and before I realized it, the just flew by. After feeling overwhelmingly comfortable with Ramundo I invited him over. The walk was wonderful and we talked the entire time. It felt like the sun was out and the birds were chirping. I couldn’t explain it but he really touched me in a way that no man ever had. It was more of a connection spiritually than it was physical. When we got to my place I offered him a drink, he said he would like water so I made him a glass of ice water. For the rest of the night we talked and then fell asleep. That following Saturday morning we woke up and just lay together. Suddenly our eyes met and we started kissing. The kiss was so passionate and it melted my body into the bed. He wasn’t forcing his body on mine, he wasn’t rushing the kiss to get to the next step, he caressed my hair while he kissed me and it made me feel like my body was being worshipped. We made love and it felt as if our bodies were created to fit perfectly. I hadn’t been with a man physically for months and yet the pain that I expected was nonexistent. He melted inside of me and I felt the passionate tension of his love and my body gladly gripped every curvature. After we were finished we stayed silent and just held one another. I felt that my waiting for a good man was well worth this experience. If I never saw him again I would bask in the experience we both created here today. It is a moment that you don’t have often when dating and trying to find Mr. Right, but my instinct was correct and I followed my heart. From beginning to end we lasted about 7 months. Ramundo always shared that he didn’t hate feminine guys be he couldn’t stand to see a man act and talk like a woman. The funny thing about his extreme disliking of femininity was that he was more feminine than most men I’ve come across. In the beginning he was very laid back, his voice was bass filled and it made my ears tremble when he spoke, it went from that to being high, very ladylike, and he made very feminine gestures when he walked and moved. If he had to pick something up from the floor he would throw his hair towards to ground and lift it up as if he had hair like Rapunzel. I remembered sitting and watching him one Sunday morning and the more I paid attention to him, the more feminine he became. A little after that discovery he started ending every conversation with, “Child”, “Oh Girl”, “Honey”, I was lost in speech and felt myself detaching from him. Honestly it wasn’t that he was feminine, it was that he claimed to be disgusted by them, yet he was one. If that wasn’t bad enough, I found out that his name was not Ramundo Imani, it was Ray Woods. I was so thrown by everything about him. When certain friends came over he would queen out so bad that I couldn’t sit in the room with him. Needless to say, I ended the relationship and couldn’t bear to deal with him any longer. So when I realized that Chase’s personality started showing some parts that I disliked I felt I needed to let him know how I felt so at least he understood my reaction to him. After doing so I realized that Chase has spent most of his life hiding who he truly was and now that he didn’t need to hold that curtain over his sexuality, he didn’t know how to be any other way. Once I shared with him the things I didn’t like, he instantly started working on making our communication better, making it a point to let me know he was truly in the moment, and allowing me to express my feelings without interruption. There are still moments when he does it and then realizes it; the biggest part to me is that I no longer need to bring it to his attention. My awareness of how I spoke was the lesson Chase taught me. I was always in defense mode when he would address certain things about me that I held close. I didn’t realize it until he sat me down and explained to me that he feels uncomfortable expressing his disagreement because of how I reacted. I never thought I was a brat until he told me. Once we opened up to those flaws I saw exactly what he meant. When I wanted something really bad and I was able to get it, I would turn into the biggest baby. I would fold my arms, I would pout, I would become short with my conversation, and I would totally tune him out until he gave in to me wants. I have a history of being overly impulsive and not thinking through my actions. My financial history showed me that in spades. I remembered when I lived with Dennis, when rent was due I always came up short because I spent money on things I wanted right then and there. I didn’t and don’t do lay-a-way because I am overly impatient. If I put money for a purchase I want to walk out of the store with my product. Now that we are a lot stronger in our partnership, I see where I need to scale back my lavish taste and realize that a budget isn’t a form of control; it is the best approach at creating a future that has a strong foundation. This new found understanding has healed us both. Chase became complacent with paying bills because his ex-wife paid them. So when we became a couple he expected me to take her role. Knowing that I had an issue with impulsive spending I told Chase that it would be best that he handled our budget. Since we started that arrangement we are back on a financial footing that keeps our heads above water. Self Awareness is a very important key to growth. If you feel that you are one way but close off from people trying to tell you otherwise then chances are you will always fall short to your potential. Honesty is strong in any type of relationship. If you are in love with someone and they have your best interests at heart then hearing and listening to their positive criticisms will only strengthen you and your relationship. In our marriage, the differences that separate Chase and I are the very strengths that make our relationship impenetrable to outside forces trying to find a weak spot in our love. I value Chase’s opinion and I take to heart his feelings. I now see myself clearly and I make it a point to recognize those traits I possess that could hinder my growth and the growth of our marriage. I can truly say that Chase and I have a strong understand of whom we are and that conclusion came by way of our love and concern for one another. If you truly love and value someone you will open up to them and explain how what they do affects them and your relationship. Some personalities can be off putting if you don’t know the person intimately. Not everyone you are around will take what you say and do the same. The art of adaption is very important in maturing and going out into the world without support from our loved ones. Chase and I have established a line of communication that makes us more aware of our approach, our beliefs, our attitudes, our personality, and our confidence. We lift one another honestly and we do not feed one another what the other wants to hear. The saying, “Tell the truth and shame the devil” is a saying that we live by and it only makes us better people. The person that rescues you from you will be the person that always strengthens you with their love and support. The journey to clarity is an ongoing one. We live and learn all of our lives. School isn’t only in a building, it is life and it never ends by the ringing of a bell. Not every tool needed to survive in the world can be found in a book. The pressures we face daily will break us if we stand alone or refuse to listen to loved ones that know us best. So be very careful when saying, “I am aware of who I am” because that belief can break you when you realize that you never knew yourself at all.

How I Became Me Chapter 30

First Component: Honesty Though most people would think that this is a given when it comes to a relationship, you would be very surprised to understand how weak this word actually is when you are dealing with certain people. My past experiences alone have taught me that you should never step into any situation blinded by the fact that you are honest and so should everyone else be. I have had guys lie to me about their age, I have had guys lie to me about their weight, I have heard lies about a man saying that he had to leave town because his father died. That particular story was by far one of the funniest ones I’ve heard. It was before I met Eugene. On one Friday night Rick and I were hanging out at “The Palace”. While we were sitting at the bar this guy walked up and kept starring at me. I have always had this pet peeve about people just starring at you and not speaking. So I would just tune them out unless they were really in my face, I would then ask them, “Is there something you want to say or do you just enjoy starring at people?” It would at times make them laugh and break the ice or it would make them look another direction. This night, however, was different. I turned to Rick to make him aware that I had someone starring at me but before I could get Rick’s attention the guy asked if he could sit by me. Me: Sure, no problem. The Guy: “Sorry for just looking at you so hard but you have beautiful eyes and lips. My name is Dave and I wanted to speak to you when you came in but I thought this guy by you was your lover. Now that I am up on you I can see that you two must be twins?” Me: “Yes we are…we are 5 minutes apart.” Dave: “Well can I buy you a drink?” Me: “Sure, that would be nice.” For the rest of the night we danced, talked, and got to know one another. At the end of the night we dropped Rick off and Dave took me home. I invited him in and we sat and talked some more. When the moment came we started making out and it was nice. I felt that he was getting very excited but back then I had a rule that if it seemed that we were connecting with one another sex on the first date was always a no. So I nicely calmed the moment down by talking to him and getting him to tell me more about his self. The rest of the night we exchanged stories and then sharing what we wanted our lives to be, it turned out to be a very romantic night. The following month was amazing and of course sex still wasn’t on the table. I couldn’t explain it then but something wouldn’t allow me to go there with him. There was this nagging voice in my head telling me there was something missing in his story or something he was trying to hide from me. It was crazy that at an early age I had more of a six sense, but as I got older I started ignoring it because I thought it meant I was being too picky and too trivial with guys. I was told by many people that I was too hard on men and I should lessen my guard and allow them a chance to show me who they really were. It was coming up on another Friday and I called Dave to see what his weekend plans were. Early that week Dave said he wanted to take me out of town so that we could spend some real quality time without the distractions of his friends and my family. I was game for it and it was nice for a guy to offer a nice romantic trip. I felt that this would become the moment we make love and start working on where we would go from there. We both had similar interests and our future plans to have a family of our own were also a plus. There was no answer to his home number so I called his cell phone, every time I tried to call it would go straight to voicemail. So I gave up trying to reach him and decided to call Rick so we could hang out. Shortly after hanging up with Rick I got a call from Dave. Dave: “Hey…my sister just called me and told me my father died. I got to go to New York tonight.” Me: “I am so sorry to hear that Dave. My goodness, if you need me for anything I’m here. Please call me to tell me how things are going. Dave: “I appreciate you for being so understanding. I wish I could take you with me, but I wouldn’t want to introduce you to my family under the circumstances.” Me: “There is no need to explain, I understand that fully. Just do what you need to do, spend that time with your family and when you get back, let me be here for you.” Dave: “Thank you baby. I know it’s early in the relationship but I love you man.” Me: “That is nice of you to say and I thank you for saying it. Be careful and I’m here if you need me. After hanging up with Dave I started to get ready to go out with Rick. Hearing Dave say that he loved me was a surprise but it felt good to hear that. I didn’t tell him I loved him because I was still in the beginning process of getting to know him and I didn’t want to rush through my feelings, especially with this feeling that something was not quiet all there and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I met up with Rick and we stopped at Apple Bee’s to get something to eat before we went to the club. Since I’d been dating Dave, Rick and I haven’t really been around each other like we normally are. Since Dave was leaving town I felt this was the perfect time for Rick and I to catch up on what was going on and I also wanted to share my feelings towards Dave with him to see if he could shed some light on why I’m feeling so apprehensive to move faster in our relationship. Me: “I don’t know what it is but I have the strangest feeling that there is either something Dave is hiding or there is something that Dave has lied to me about. It’s been going on for the last couple of weeks we’ve been dating.” Rick: “Well you know how I’ve always told you to go with your instincts. You are very sensitive to your emotions and a lot of people don’t have that ability. If you are feeling that there is a missing piece to a story or something about him is being covered you will find it eventually. Since I’ve know you, your perception has always been strong and just about every single time you tell me something that you felt about a situation or a person has been right. Me: “He said his father died so I’ll leave that alone until he gets back and gets through that grieving process. I don’t want to throw this at him all at once. Rick and Dennis have always told me I had a six sense about people and about situations. One of the episodes that really showed that I was right about my feelings towards people was when Pete’s girlfriend’s roommate showed his ass. From the moment we met Luke I instantly did not like him at all. I’d never met him before, never knew anything about him, but there was something in me that couldn’t stand him to save my life. It was that day after I moved to Atlanta with Jake, Pete, and Dennis. When I walked to Pete’s job with him I met everyone that he worked with. About an hour after I got there Luke walked through the door and clocked in. Paris, one of the waitresses that hung out with Pete introduced Luke to me. From the moment we shook hands I hated him with a passion. I told Pete several times that Luke cannot be trusted. I told Pete that I couldn’t put my finger on it but I felt that Luke was shady and he should really keep his distance from him. Turned out that Luke and his girlfriend Rachael lived with Pete’s girlfriend, her little sister, and their mom. It was a two bedroom apartment and I couldn’t imagine having that many people under one roof. The way times were back then; roommates were the thing to do to keep your head above water financially. Not to mention Luke was from New York like Pete’s girlfriend and her family. The night my suspicions came to be was during a cookout we planned. We invited everyone over to our apartment and planned to have a really big party. Several of our co-workers and other friends that we’d come to know showed up. At first I noticed that Luke wasn’t anywhere around but his girlfriend was there. I asked Pete where his girl was and he said she was still home. After about an hour after I asked him, Pete decided to walk to her apartment to see what the holdup was. Not long after Pete left Jake ran out of the apartment and told me to follow him. When we came up on Pete’s girlfriend’s house we say Luke running and holding his mouth. We walked into the apartment and saw Pete holding his hand. Once I got close to his I saw that his fist was swollen and he had it wrapped up with a cloth and a bag of ice. Apparently Luke showed his ass and admitted that he was in love with Pete’s girlfriend but because she was dating my brother he flipped out. Luke and his girl didn’t pay bills, ate them out of house and home, sold drugs out of the apartment and pocketed the money. The kicker was that Luke was caught stealing money out of Linda’s purse. Linda was Pete’s girlfriend’s mother. When he got confronted about everything he was doing, his true feelings came out and he even tried to threaten the ladies not realizing that we would come busting in to protect them. When Pete left our apartment to check on his girl and her family he walked right in on Luke cursing them out. Pete said he went in to beat his ass but Luke ran into the bathroom and tried to lock the door. Pete was extremely strong and Luke was extremely boney and weak. The only thing big on Luke was his teeth and that was the cause of Pete’s hand being swollen. Pete swung and hit Luke right in his mouth but his horse teeth cut into Pete’s knuckles. If Pete’s hand was damaged during the fight he would have most likely stumped Luke into the ground. That following morning Pete came to me and thanked me for telling him about my feelings towards Luke. From that moment forward, when I came to Pete about my feelings he would look into a situation before just blindly believing people. Having a track record for being able to pick up on people’s personalities, this moment with Dave was holding strong on my mind and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was right to not trust him. After Rick and I finished our dinner we walked to the club. Not more than 20 minutes later we decided to leave because it was so dead. We were told as we were leaving that we should go to Loretta’s because that is where everyone seemed to be hanging out at. The thing about a club is that if it’s not packed with people it doesn’t feel like fun. It is the people that make the club and if no one if there the energy level is dead and people stop coming. Loretta’s wasn’t even on our minds because “The Palace” was turning out to be a better spot to go hang out. Since the night was still young and we wanted to hang out, we decided to catch the train to Loretta’s. The walk to Loretta’s gave us more time to talk and trip as we always did. As soon as we walked into the club we walked towards the bar. Our favorite bartender was there and since he had a huge crush on Rick, he would always give us free drinks. Rick and I ordered a long island ice tea and as soon as we started to head downstairs to the dance floor I see Dave walking up from the downstairs dance floor. I immediately stopped in my tracks and my face showed the disgust I was feeling. The funny thing about it was that as soon as he saw me he threw his drink into the trash, turned around, and ran out of the club. It was too funny to get angry about it because the way he ran was like you would run from the cops. There were several people at the club that knew Rick and me, so when they saw Dave run out of the club they immediately started laughing. After I told the story behind what had just happened it only made the episode that much more funny. Needless to say, Dave was erased out of my life and I never looked back or even tried to reach out to him to see why he would like about something as serious as the death of a parent. I am a firm believer in not holding a grudge, but when it comes to the nature of the reason I no longer hang with someone, that feeling can waiver depending upon that person. Honesty was something that Chase and I started on in the very beginning. I was so amazed at how much Chase shared with me on the first time we met. He opened up his entire life and we really didn’t know each other all that much. It was that step in the right direction that made us to hold fast to our love for one another. With the obstacles we faced together, we knew that honestly was what made us strong and what keeps us connected. To be able to say, “I know he didn’t do that” means so much to us. No one could walk up to me and tell me that Chase was something other than what I have come to love and know. The same could be said about Chase if being told that there was more about me he didn’t know. The time we have been together has taught us that reputations outside of your relationship hold no value compared to the reputation we bring into our relationship. Taking all that we have been through, all that we have conquered, and all that we have faced together, has built us into stronger people separately as well as together.

How I Became Me Chapter 29

In all relationships there are several factors that make a great relationship, a workable relationship, a functional relationship, and a lukewarm relationship. Me personally, I would rather have a great relationship. Nothing in life is perfect but one can’t go wrong if you want to get it as close to perfect as possible. When I mention that to most people they automatically say, “That puts a lot of strain on a relationship when people try to be perfect”, my point to them is, “No one on earth is perfect, so if you are stressing yourself to be something that you will never be then you are missing the most valuable point of everything.” Perfection is an opinion at best. There are no perfect people, there are no perfect situations, and there are no perfect lives. When you set goals to achieve then you are on the road towards a greater life. The biggest issue that I’ve run into while dating was that majority of the guys I dated tried so hard to be something other than their selves. If you want people to validate you as a person, then the most important part of that expectation is for you to validate yourself. Confidence is built and not given to you. There are so many ways you can create a belief of your abilities, your attributes, your talents, your emotions, and the list goes on and on. There are never two people alike. Even twins who make look exactly identical will have parts of their personality that separates them from their twin. In a relationship you are entering a life with someone else with the idea that you both are bringing something to the table. The biggest ingredients to create and maintain a great relationship are honesty, self awareness, respect, communication, affection, attention, ambition, motivation, partnership, friendship, full disclosure, space, outside interests, and over all…the desire to be in a relationship. Now I don’t label myself a relationship expert but over the course of years I have noticed certain blends of personalities that make great relationships and then there are those relationships that leave you wondering, “What in the hell do they have going on?” I have witnessed what some might consider very dysfunctional relationships but when you looked deeper they are very much in love. The blending of lives can create something that most may not understand but it makes total sense to the ones involved. When I talk to couples about their relationships I always get fascinated with how they came to be together and how they manage to deal with one another especially when they both have very strong personalities. Chase and I have strong personalities but Chase is more laid back and not really the type to speak very strongly. As I mentioned before Chase chooses to avoid confrontation and I am the type that welcomes a challenge. When you have the right person in your life you tend to rub off on one another. That term has been mentioned to me very often and it wasn’t explanatory until my relationship with Chase grew to be exclusive. I see parts of my personality have changed since I have been with Chase. I use to be a very impulsive person and if I wanted something I had to have it when I wanted it or I would pout, complain, shut down, and just become a total “Male Bitch”. As time went on I started viewing my behavior through the eyes of Chase. I started putting myself in his shoes to see what he dealt with when it came to my strong personality. I started to self evaluate and understand that in a relationship you are no longer an individual. I must admit I hated hearing that but now I understand what it means and I am so happy that I took the necessary steps in changing who I was to become who I saw through his eyes. People can find it almost difficult to compromise who you are and especially when you come from a background similar to mine. I worked most of my life trying to be an original person and I didn’t want to be compared to anyone, I wanted to stand out, and I wanted people to notice me for me and not for what other people thought of me. So many years of me building myself up to become stronger, independent, self reliant, defiant, and unmovable in the face of adversity and authority I became unable to notice my behavior and what it did to other people. Most guys were scared off by it, most guys were put off by it, most guys loved it because they connected my personality to my sexuality and that sense of dominance was a turn on. Chase entered my life and in the beginning his skeletons were the obstacles we face in the beginning. Once things started to clear up for us, the other parts of our relationship that were being covered by outside forces became clearer and we were then able to focus on where we needed to work. I noticed that I carried myself as if I were alone. I used the words, I, mine, me, my, and the word us rarely left my lips. Chase would call me out when I addressed something as mine and not ours. In the beginning I would rub it off and act like it was something I couldn’t change. Deep inside, I didn’t want to give up the solo representation of my personality. Chase was very understanding, very patient, and very eager to break through those walls I’d placed around my heart. If you are not careful you can change and stay stuck in your ways. The saying goes that once you reach a certain age the way you turn out will be the way you stay for the rest of your life. In the beginning of my 30’s I did feel that message was true but then I realized that it took a process to be where I was and it would take a process to change. So if you are eager to be different and be more compromising with the one you love, then that process is a necessary process. In the beginning of our relationship Chase was rarely outspoken, joked a little here and there, was very reserved and to his self even when he was alone with me. As time went on he started to come out of his shell. He started realizing that life was too short not to be in the moment and not to only live moment for moment. The relationship between us became more leveled and balanced as friends and as partners in love. Some things that came from me were hard for him to take in and once he truly understood that words from someone that loves you should never be taken as hurtful unless that was their intention when they delivered you what they had to say. Our relationship is infectious to those around us because they can see where the playfulness is and where that strong love is. We now are like bookends in our relationship. The balance that we have created took a moment to create but now that it is there, we mirror one another. The saying that you become one with the one you love and the one you marry is more believable when you actually see if for yourself. As I mentioned before, I feared losing myself to a relationship and only being noticed as the partner of the man I was with. After so many years struggling to get my own identity it seemed that I was giving it away when I became someone’s partner in love. The transition is not an easy one because as most people are their worst critics, Virgos are extremely critical of themselves and even to the point when we are doing great in our lives we still feel that we can do better. When I create something I get praises on how wonderful it is but there is always this part of my personality telling me that it could have come out even better. It is a struggle that I face daily and when I met Chase I realized how similar we were when it came to that very problem. Chase always second guesses his work, his ideas, and though he is extremely confident, he still tries to be better than what he feels he is. Our journey to find love and to be at peace with life was hard in some respects but very necessary in others. Even though we are great for one another we still had to see it for ourselves. I was so focused on not repeating my past in my current relationship; I didn’t pay attention to the problems I brought into the relationship. Catching Chase on every slip up, every lie, every mistake, and every “Put it off until tomorrow” mindset, I didn’t realize that I was becoming difficult to be with. It was as if I praised myself for not being the screw up in the relationship for a change. It felt exhilarating to be able to walk away from a disagreement not being the one that caused the problem. I adopted the position of being teacher and counselor, but then was angry when that role was expected of me. I became so complicated and my emotions were so high and low that it was almost impossible for Chase to do anything without fearing he would be attacked by my constant judgment and criticisms. Chase was the type to just breeze through moments that would ordinarily make other people flip out of control. Chase thought that his approach was the best approach but what he did not realize was when he didn’t express his true feelings deception became his behavior. To avoid an argument or disagreement he would tell the story in a way that made it seem less of a problem and more like a little misunderstanding. Chase would never speak out on his honest feelings towards the relationship and all of the issues that were being placed before us. Chase felt that he made several mistakes in his first marriage and was fearful that if he started trying to speak out more it would end in divorce just like his marriage before me. There would be several sit down moments where I tried t get Chase to just open up and let go whatever he was holding in. Chase chose to hold every emotion but love in his heart because he feared destroying my life and causing me to be as bitter as his ex-wife became. Though Chase fixed his past relationship and his kids are back on track, he still feared being faced with ruining my life and leaving me broken because he didn’t do what he felt was right. We had many splits and moments where we felt space would be better for both of us. The only issue with that idea was once we were not around one another it hurt; our lives didn’t have joy because the joy we craved was created between the two of us. That constant need to be with each other made the space unbearable and so the idea never worked the way it should. As soon as it was too much to take we gave in and got back together without actually working on the reason we split in the first place. The very last time we spent apart was the last time. We both understood what it took to make it work because the walls were torn down and the realization that being together was better than trying to live apart. We understood that in order for us to become a strong couple we had to find a balance for the good and the bad. No matter how much time we spent away from each other the issues that stressed us still remained because we were living in the moment of the emotions built around missing each other and not on what made us upset with one another. Now we take our relationship step by step. We have found that middle ground and have learned to pull back and discuss our feelings towards one another. Being honest is not as difficult as people make it out to be. Though I tried to get Chase to understand when I told him the truth I wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings and he should know that because I loved him, I actually had to learn that same lesson. It hurt me more than I realized to be found wrong in my approach to certain incidents and my method of dealing with being frustrated. It truly is a formula to having a great relationship. It isn’t always noticeable to most, but for those that truly want and need their love to work and grow you must take the me and I out of the equation and start putting the us and we in the formula in order for there to be growth and understanding in the relationship. There isn’t a need to go to school to learn about relationships because not everyone fits in a category created by even the best minds of psychology. There will always be someone that seems to fit a profile, but there will actions that make the profile change, therefore making the label obsolete. No one wants to be pigeonholed and labeled so they try their best to show something different than what is expected. In truth that is what you should always strive for. No one wants to be compared to someone else. Of course there are those people that love it when they are compared to some sort of celebrity because it builds their self-esteem. The feeling is entirely different when the similarity if between them and someone known for making mistakes, someone that has a horrible personality, though the comparison is one that is good you still are labeled with the rest of that person’s traits even if not by others you do it to yourself. In this new found happiness that we have created together, we know now that there are some key points to have in our relationship. The moments of sitting down and opening up with each other has transformed our relationship to the escape from the outside world. The anger that would normally lead us to feel we needed to split is no longer existent. We now understand that running isn’t the answer and it solves nothing. Being present and in the moment is the only true way of isolating the problem, talking it out, and making a solution together. So the understanding that both Chase and myself have come to is we are responsible for the rise and fall of our relationship. We both are now willing and active participants in our journey together. Being honest about our strengths as well as our weakness has opened the truth of our vulnerability and our need for assistance every now and again. For the rest of this journey from my past, my present, my emotions, and my beliefs, I will explore the parts of our relationship that makes us great for one another. I will label a need and then explain how that need works in my life and in Chase’s life. This is all in the hopes that our experiences will open doors and understandings between people that may be experiencing similar problems. This list is needed ingredients to our happiness and our ongoing growth to become even better people and partners in love: Honesty, Self Awareness, Respect, Communication, Affection, Attention, Ambition, Motivation, Partnership, Friendship, Full Disclosure, Space, and Outside Interests; these are very important components to a great relationship and should never be overlooked or forgotten if you truly want to be happy and live happy with the one you have chosen to give your heart and your life to. The decision to giving up a huge chunk of your personal life to share with another is at times very difficult and terrifying. The key to any decision in life is to make sure you are taking the necessary time to look at what you are deciding to, when you are going to do it, and how important it is that you stick to it.

How I Became Me Chapter 28

The journey I have experienced in my last has been unforgettable and very educational. Being able to view your life, pick out the parts where you could have made better choices is a good tool to have because in order for you to face the future you must accept the past and erase any regrets. I know personally speaking I have come a long way and I can say that where I am, is far better than where I was. It was like I knew enough and then some; I just couldn’t act on the thoughts swarming around in my head. There is a true to being blessed with too much knowledge and life experience at such an early age in life. Though you see children are walking this earth as if they’ve been here before and you automatically say, “That child has an old soul.” I have adults tell me that my entire life and I really didn’t understand what they met. To me, being able to communicate effectively was important to me. I struggled I struggled with for most of my childhood. Every other word that required you tongue to curl and form words that began with “S” were pretty hard for me to do. I remember getting frustrated when I had so much I wanted to say but the words couldn’t seem to catch up with the speed my brain was processing the conversation. After getting tired of people calling me cute and how adorable they thought my thick tongue and gapped teeth were I decided to try to figure out how to perfect my speech. While my other brothers slept I would read aloud so that I could form my words and hide the “sssssss” sound that it made when I tried to talk. After doing that for about 3 years I was able to control my speech pattern. I was always so self-conscious about pronunciation that I would catch myself speaking the incorrect words before they left my lips. I had that routine down so well that I would actually start correcting other people when they mispronounced a word. People started thinking I was trying to be a smart ass, but they didn’t realize the hard work I put in to get my words heard and understood. While in school I was teased by the other kids because I was told I talked like a “white boy” because my words would come out very proper and accurate. So after all of my work trying to be able to communicate I was black balled for actually articulating my words and not talking in the slang that was becoming wide spread around school. I talked mostly with adults so when it came to school and friends I couldn’t hold a conversation with them because they weren’t on the conversation topics I was ready to share. A treat for me would be during the weekends when me and my mom would get up together, drink coffee and talk about any and everything. My mom and I had this relationship that was deeper than any friendship or even deeper than the relationship I had with my siblings. My mother gave me the greatest gift any child could receive from their parents, my mother gave me respect and validation. Whatever I had to say mattered to her and she valued my insight and my opinion on things that was going on in our lives. Those moments are cherished moments when I start to feel the sadness of her being gone. The most important thing I learned in life is that you must hold on to the good times but don’t try to look away from the bad ones. There is always a rhyme or reason to everything. Finding out the root to anything is possible if you just hold fast to what you’ve learned and apply to what you do in your current life. I pride myself on my ability to communicate and share my feelings in a way that leaves the other person absolutely informed on how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and what I wanted to convey to them. Chase and I had to learn to communicate with one another. I am very long winded talker and when a topic is really something close to my heart I can start talking and before I know it hours have passed. In the beginning it was me being the talkative one and now I sit back and take in Chase’s conversation. I can see such a drastic change in our relationship. Our moments together are humorous, loving, fun, deep, and real. I always wanted a relationship with someone that I could never get tired of but after my experiences I felt that it wasn’t possible. My past relationships proved me wrong if asked if I could stomach being under someone all the time. That soon changed once I met Chase and it hasn’t changed since we’ve been together. We both always say that as long as I know you are around I’m fine, but that actually isn’t the truth. If we are apart from each other too long, one of us will find a reason to grab the other’s attention to get them under us. Chase’s relationship with his ex-wife and his children has taken a 180 and it only seems to be getting better and better. When Chase and I moved out of Elm Side and into Beverly Glenn I finally broke down and told Chase how I felt about his past and how he treated his ex-wife. Chase: “She just keeps causing me more and more grief. No matter what I do she is always trying to take more and more from me. I left her the house, I left her a car, and everything in the house except for my catering items but she is still so bitter and angry.” Though Chase never attacked her character or blamed her for anything that went wrong I still noticed that he would always jump over the part in his past that led them to divorce and her to become the bitter woman she became. At times I would bite my tongue and just let him talk, then there were the times I would talk just to calm him and support him. The issue that became apparent to me was he never truthfully took accountability for his wrong doings and his bad decisions while in the marriage. After giving him a chance to vent and get things off of his chest I decided to intervene and share with him what I felt being that I was outside looking in. Though I loved him, I couldn’t necessarily take his side just because the only encounter I had with her was negative. I had to think objectively and rationally. Me: “Chase I have been listening to you talk about your past for as long as we’ve been together. I admit that I actually joined in and naturally I took your side because you are my boyfriend and that is what I will always do. However, being your partner means that when you are wrong I have to call you out on it. I congratulate you for not stooping to her level and trying to retaliate for what she did to you, but there is a huge piece of the puzzle that I feel you have overlooked and still overlook. When you married her you had suspicions that you were gay. I understand that you were raised in a Christian home and believe me, just because my family is dysfunctional, we still lived based on our parents religious beliefs. Homosexuality was not tolerated in my home either but when things changed and my parents realized that they had gay children in our family they never stopped loving us and didn’t try to change us. It wasn’t her fault that you had to suppress your true self. It was not her fault that you married her and began popping out children left and right. It was not her fault that after you married her you decided to start cheating on her with men. Since we’ve been together I have told you my feelings on men that do that to woman and don’t show any accountability for their actions and the damage it causes their children. Because I love you I didn’t try to judge you for your past actions but I still wanted to make you aware that you were and are dead wrong. You are upset because your kids aren’t speaking to you right now and honestly you should be hurt because your choices led you to this point in your life. You lied to her and you lied to them. I found disturbing that you could trace your past relationships with men based on the ages of your children, when you first said that I was so disgusted by you and didn’t know how to articulate my feelings about that without hurting yours. Now that we have come to understand one another better I feel you will understand what I say and take it in the sentiment I’m giving it. I feel you need to apologize to her. You need to take aside from everyone else and you need to apologize to her for cheating on her, for disrespecting your marriage, for putting her at risk with your poor choices, for making her think she found a man she would stay with for the rest of her life, and for destroying the family your children grew into. You took everything away from them and you are feeling guilty but you don’t truly understand what your choices and actions did to them. I am the first to admit that no child should come at their parent the way your sons have attacked you. You allowed them to not only disrespect you; you allowed them to say that they hated me and that you shouldn’t take up for me, which you then responded, “I’m not.” I have been angry at you for a while and I tried not to let it change our relationship but I would be foolish to ignore the elephant in the room. You need to make amends with her, you need to get your kids in check, but let them know you understand that it will be difficult to adapt to their new father, but you will not allow them to disrespect you, me, and our family. If I hear that you allowed them to call me out of my name, if you let them get away with disrespecting me when they don’t even know me, then you and I will have issues.” Chase remained quiet and I could see the wheels turning in his head as the information I just shared with him started to break through. The thing about loving someone is you have to be honest with them and at times the truth hurts worse. For me to keep supporting him despite the fact that his mistakes caused his life to be in the ruins it was in would have only hindered his growth, salted our relationship, and create a dysfunctional life for us in the near future. I had to not be selfish and I had to respect his ex-wife and their children. I knew what it meant to have a father cheat on your mother and neglect his children’s wellbeing. Though he was a good father as far as being there and not running out on them, but what he brought into their security that eventually destroyed their family was something that could no longer be ignored. Once of the major things I wanted him to understand was that his past is messing up our future. I was pegged the villain in a story I was not even a part of. I was hated for what I represented but not for actions that would warrant me that title. I was paying for his past mistakes and it stopped us from being happy and being able to live comfortably. Out of his guilt he signed away money that kept us struggling and losing things which eventually led us to live with Peggy and Hoyte. It was those decisions that I foresaw when our relationship started to feel the effects of the stress. Chase admitted that he agreed with everything I said and he decided to make what was once wrong right. His relationship with his ex is now one that shows their children that though they are no longer married there is still a partnership and still this unconditional love for them. Chase’s kids are growing fast and they crave his input on their decisions, they keep in contact with him, and they have the father/children relationship I know Chase wanted for them in the first place. Our relationship has been faced with ups, downs, setbacks, and then there appeared so many open doors, so many wonderful people that opened their lives to us. Though we experience the occasional stresses at work, we have created a home that is truly our sanctuary and place where the outside world cannot penetrate. Now that my heart has been lifted from years of holding pain in and trying to make right what I did not wrong I have come to the conclusion that I can’t handle it alone, when I spoke to people I always portrayed to them that I didn’t need help getting through my pain. As I mentioned before, I said so often that I convinced myself that it was true. I finally allowed my vulnerability to show and Chase jumped right in to ensure that we found the means to help me transition from then to now. My present state of mine has calmed, my heart has renewed, my optimism has returned and I am so ready to enter the world as the person I knew I could be, the person that my mom and dad knew, the person that made Rick proud, and the person that has found a love in someone that truly has cured my pain and has replenished my heart. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner than Chase and I cannot imagine life without him being in it. I find myself giving relationship advice to my friends and it feels so good to know that my story can help others, it is magnificent that GOD has stepped in, laid out a plan, and I am sticking to it. My life is no longer on auto pilot and I am very aware of what tomorrow holds because I have taken back the control I gave to everyone else. Getting approval, praise, and validation is appreciated but no longer needed. I feel my presence in my life and I recognize that I am deserving of the wonderful things life is giving me and the wonderful things I am doing in my life. I just recently signed up to become a mentor and to also become a child advocate. My dream of being a father is not out of reach, in fact it is so close I can already settle my life to prepare for the moment I am blessed with little angels that Chase and I will raise to become as wonderful of people as we are. “Life is only as good as you make it. A painting looks beautiful but if you aren’t the artist you won’t truly appreciate the process of picturing that image, choosing the colors, getting the supplies necessary, and most importantly, having the patience to see your creation become visible to not only you, but to the world.”