The Reason

After such pain why would I want to walk down the aisle?
After so many disappointments why would I want to keep trying?

It makes me wonder some times what it all means
I see so many people giving up and walking away
No matter what words of wisdom they receive they make up their minds to give it up

I face the fears and the doubts
I know that there are so many things I cannot live without

Why would I walk away from someone that gives so much and asks for so little?

There are symbols used to show love, appreciation, and trust

No symbol is greater than a circle

This symbol means everlasting
It is an ongoing cycle of strength, love, compansionship, friendship, partnership, and promise.

So after receving this symbol I now understand why I wanted to travel this journey again
This is why I want to face the fears and build the future
It is why I give my heart to him without doubt or regret

Once it was placed on my finger my life changed and I never looked back

It is the reason and I don't need convincing anymore.

He Is

He makes me smile
He makes me think
He makes me dance
He makes me melt with his wink

He is my man
He is my angel
He is my husband
He keeps me stable

I loose my mind
I want to cry
He builds me up
He makes me try

He holds my hand
He rubs my feet
He kisses my lips
He makes me weak

He is my dream
He is my pleasure
He makes me forget the past
He makes me want forever

Through all of this he needs me to
For him there is no limitation to what I'll do

I will die for his life
I will sacrifice as if I were his wife
I will stand up for his rights
I will hold his hand to help his fight

He is my love and I cannot exsist without him
He is my life and my heart can't beat without his

Through my journey never have I felt so sure
Throughout my love search never have I fealt something so pure

He is my man
He is my angel
He is my husband
He keeps me stable

And for that I will never leave his side!

I'm Going To Be Happy

Dayum! Just lost my job!
Dayum! Just lost my car!
Fuck! I lost my home!

It's strange though, I am still smiling and I'm still standing. I guess it's because I realize that these things are only temporary. They only serve a purpose for a moment in life.

I look pass what I thought I wanted and hold tight to what I need. A happy life with someone that loves me unconditionally and stands by my side no matter what.

When the road seems a little more bumpy than usual you still focus your eye sight on the purpose of you being on this road. Why fool yourself to believe that it will always be great and wonderful?

I understand my strength now that I need more than when I didn't appreciate it. Blinking during the storm will cause you to miss so much that is important to the transition of change.

I can't promise that I won't get upset, that I won't curse aloud, I can't promise that I won't get angry at my situation from time to time, but what I can guarantee you is the "I'm Going To Be Happy!"

The New Me

Why is it that when you change people start to back away from you?
When you were negative and lost to your own cause there were so many followers and so many supporters.
Once life has started dealing you a winning hand you start to loose those you thought were more important than most.

I guess it means that relationships are only as strong as their purpose and once you change it separates you from those old connections.
I've heard this before in so many different situations, but it speaks so true to us all.

A real friend will stick by you no matter what, a real friend will hold strong to you arm when the storm comes and when it calms.

A fair weather friend only shows up when it is beautiful outside for them. When the clouds start changing in your direction they flee and never look back.

If you have loss friends along the way of your new journey, don't fear the newness of your life. Embrace what is now and forget what was then.

The truth is that once you shed off the past, you shed off the baggage, and if friends fall along with the baggage then maybe that's what they were as well.

Walk proud and free on your new path and remember that you are worth the best and that goes for family and friends!

Keep growing and never look back!

My Bread Is Ready

Today in church (The Vision Church of Atlanta) our Pastor (O.C. Allen) as always gave a profound and powerful message. Today he spoke of us being bread and that our lives go through the same process as making bread. He stated there being 7 steps:

1st Step: Underground
Meaning that when we recieve blessings it comes as a shock to others because they didn't see it coming, but it was because the Lord had us growing the entire time

2nd Step: Cut Down
Meaning that if we aren't cut at a certain point in time we tend to grow out of control

3rd Step: Grinding
Meaning that this process takes us back to the beginning separating us from everything and everyone, removing those people and those things blocking us from our blessings

4th Step: Needing
This process takes place with the Lord molding us into the form he wants us to be in.

5th Step: Flattening
This step requires us being flattened. Removing all negativity from us, leaving us shapeless and alone to grow slowly but surely

6th Step: In The Fire
In this step the Lord places us in the fire and walks away. This point in our life requires us to survive through the troubled times, but remembering all that the Lord has taught us. Though he places us in the fire and walks away, he doesn't leave us alone completely and he doesn't turn up the heat too high so that we can grow at the rate we can survive. He checks in on us periodically. He knows when we are ready because we give off a sweet scent that the pastor compared to as the smell of sweet rolls.

7th Step: Serving up to others
This is the final step and it requires that we are ready to be survived into the world. It means that whom ever we meet will be deserving of our bread. It means that we are ready and worthy to be served to someone that is worthy to have us. That we speak, live, and breath his grace and love.

It was a deep moment because I started questioning my purpose in life. Being loss can sneak up on you when you least expect it. You feel like you are not living to your full potential. Though I felt that way, I still know that there is a greater calling on my life. The talents that the Lord has given to me are being groomed and primed. Right now isn't my time to shine, but when the time is right I will glow so bright that the world will need to be placed in shade.

Life is difficult, even more so when you are loss to your purpose and place in the world. Figure out where you belong, figure out what it is you want to do with your life, and then run with it without regret.

Your bread is ready, you just need to know how to serve it up!

From Then To Now

I started transferring my old blogs to my new blog page. It was amazing to see the differences in my life. I have gone through some very tragic things, but at the same time I have had some moments in life that healed the pain.

It is always a good thing to reach back to the past and pull aside with you the things that you have learned. Most people fear the past because it reminds them of the things that they have been through.

I cherish my bad times as well as my good times because it only justifies who I am now and where I came from.

What Ever Happened To Honesty & Trust

It always trips me out on how guys try to play games on people. I mean, if there is something that you want why can't you ask for it and not try to feed people what you think they want to hear?
I've been approached several times by guys that say they want a long-term relationship and that they can see me being in their life. When I tell them that I want children and to pursue a career in music and writing they say that they want the same. As soon as we get together they want to control everything that I do.
If you want to be the only person in someone's life then you need to find someone that is down for that. There's no way that I can dedicate my entire life to a man and not focus on me and my future child(ren). People don't believe in compromise any more either. It's got to be their way or no way at all.
If you met me in the club then why get mad if I still want to hang out every now and again. You'd rather me stay home with you and then when I start to make that a routine, now you want to hang out becuase you feel we spend too much time together.
I'm putting this out because I would love for someone to shed some light on these issues. These are things that I experience with almost every guy I meet. I know that they say when you constantly run into the same guy it's not them it's something in you that attracts these type of men.
Someone give me some advice on how to change up and shake up my social life!!!!

Crying Dream

CRYING DREAM"
BY
Gregory J. Upson



This morning I awoke
Drenched down in sweat
So stunned I thought I would choke
It was this dream, this reoccurring dream I couldn't get

In the dream you are in the arms of another
But yet you lay beside me all wrapped in cover
Are you true to me? Is there deception in your heart?
Was it a lie when you said we would never be apart?

I know not to accuse, but yet feel concern
Would you lie to me?
Is there a past I have yet to learn?

Is it worry I feel?
Is it just plain jealousy?
Is it that I have a right to think this as you come in late, then lie next to me?

You wear a face of guilt, lying there so snuggled in your quilt
I am not thinking silly thoughts, even though that's how it may seem
I am only reacting to my CRYING DREAM!

Looking For The One

I'm looking for the one people!
I am looking for that guy that wants to read my stories, my poetry and listen to my songs. I want that guy that can sit there and stare at me as if I'm the only one in exsistence. I want the guy that knows how much honesty means to me and shows it by being truthful at all times. I want the man that can stand right beside me with his chest out and a confident smile knowing that he is mine and I belong to him. I want to feel that warm embrace when the world starts to dish out the cold shoulder. I want the man that will slap reality into my mind when I begin to drift off into dream land! I want the man that will tell me whats what and not be afraid that he hurt my feelings. I want the man that can give me the respect as a man and welcome my passive/aggressive nature. I want the man that can understand and deal with the balance. I want a man that is a man and could care less of what people label as a "Life Style!" I want the man that can look me in the eyes and say to me, "I Love You!" I want the man that will weather the storm and remain strong even through the great times!
I'm looking for the one people!!

Communication & Trust

Tell me something!
When does it get hard to talk to one another? Why is it that once we've reached that 2 to 3 year mark in our relationship that we forget how to talk to one another. You're feeling like what you say makes the other feel uncomfortable or defensive. Then the other is feeling like whatever I say just isn't being heard. Why do we allow the most important part of a relationship to go sour?
The things that we use to say that made someone smile and appreciate the fact that you could express yourself in that way are now too soft and weak. We want rough and tough men instead of men that can show emotion and a touch of sensitivity. Why do we want men that only want a** or d*** and not want me that can make love, not only to our bodies but to our hearts and our soul? Is this what the new generation has to look forward to? Will they never meet someone that would want to plant that life long connection into their lives?
Or maybe it still exsists but because we often get hurt and disappointed we turn away from any sign that someone is falling for us. I don't think we really turn away because we don't trust them, I think we turn away because we don't trust ourselves.
People remove the baggage from your hearts to make room for more heartache and disappointment. If you don't allow yourself to feel the pain then how will you know the joy?

WOW!

I spent this weekend with real and true friends. Sitting with them and going over our courses of life really opened up my heart and mind to what I never knew.
For a long time I've felt alone as though there wasn't anyone that understood me or knew the things that I felt and wanted. Here I was placed in a room with 3 people that knew me in different time but all said the same things about me when it came to what type of person I am.
People, life is short but shorter if we live for just the day. There are only 24 hours in a day but honestly are we going to live out our lives? Do we even know when we're destined to leave this world? Stop questioning everything, be the answer and pass it on to those that you know and love. You'll be amazed by the changes you make in life by just being free of the soap box hype!!!

Moving On Up

I've received my second promotion within 3 months. GOD is good!! It was just recently that I felt I wasn't headed in the direction my heart wanted me to. I was lost and unsure of myself and that's a place that keeps your eyes closed from the possibilities!!!
When I finally stopped the questioning and second guessing I received what I was ready for. Now instead of just being a leader, everyone is beginning to see me as I am. I am a natural born leader and I believe that the world needs more. Following whatever sounds great at the time is a sure way of being stuck in a rut and not knowing what's good for us.
I believe that we have a calling but only a few of us will every hear it! Those of us that answer are looked upon as being more than what we are. We are hated because we see the bigger picture. Don't be afraid to see and listen. What you may hear might hurt but at least you'll know!!!
Trust me!

Mother's Love

Since January 17th I've been in the hospital watching my Mother struggle through lung cancer. My strength has always gathered through her. I've seen her go through so much in my life and I've always seen her as my ultimate hero.
To watch her fight the last fight of her life is a very powerful thing to experience. The funny thing about it all is that I've gotten so much stronger being there for her. I've taken myself for granted for a long time. I've never imagined myself dealing with shit of this magnitude but yet here I am being her rock and fighting just as hard for her as she has always fought for me.
I am truly blessed to have seen her through this ordeal that has yet to end. I see where I get my fight, my stubborn personality, etc. I am a true reflection of my Mother and I am very proud to admit that.
She refuses to loose her life in a hospital and now she's fought so hard that it seems that she will make home again. Life is so unsure and so mysterious but on top of everything else it can change right before your eyes!
If you have the blessing of having your mother in your life, please do not waist that time on nonsense and idiotic bull shit. When you see her embrace her and let her know how much she means to you. Being a gay man, I can say that she is the first woman that I've ever loved.
You may hold on to things that you feel are more important. You may have the man or woman of your dreams and you may think that it's enough, but trust me people there is nothing like a Mother's love!

In Loving Memory Of Anthony Milton Upson

I couldn't begin to explain what I'm feeling right now. I couldn't begin to tell you where my heart or my head is. To loose a brother so sudden and so unexpected is truly a painful experience. To say that I'll be O.K. would be a lie! I'm not O.K. I'm mad as hell and I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. This is someone that was more than a brother he was my best friend. He was the one that I turned to for everything and now he's gone. We lived for and through one another and now he's no longer here physically. I would like to believe that I'll dream about him, that he'll come to me and let me know that he's all right but I'm not so sure. I hear so many people speak of seeing ghost and spirits of loved ones yet I have nothing to add to those stories. My brother is gone and he's never coming back. So now I look at friendship so differently. I don't know how to feel and I couldn't imagine how to move on! I'm in great pain but yet there is a force in me that's keeping me from breaking down. I'm scared because I don't know how long that force will keep those feelings at bay. So people please learn from this, if there is some one that you love and you just never get around to say it, then say it today. Don't wait until it's too late and then you have nothing to apologize to. My brother Anthony and I always said we loved one another. If we were mad we spoke on it and cleared it before we left each others sight. I cry not because I feel guilty or that I didn't tell him good-bye but I feel said because he is no longer here and I must face this world without him.

Love you family and love you friends because once they are gone there is no coming back!

Still I Stand

Blows may come and blows may go but the one thing that remains true is the strength you gain when you survive. The one thing that I have realized since the loss of my brother and barely 3 weeks later the loss of my Mom is that we are powerless to our destiny. Life is taken for granted every time you say, "I can do it tomorrow!"
Life is not a gift unless you live it. I refuse to allow the world's bullshit keep me from my goals and my happiness. Things are placed in front of you for a reason yet most of us look right over the signs.
Just a few weeks ago I thought that it would be impossible for me to wake up because my heart was so heavy. Then my Mom passes away and I haven't really gotten through the greiving of my brother Anthony. Yet still I stand! I cry thinking of the good times and great conversations and I smile without guilt or hesitation.
I see so many people complaining about how their family doesn't get along and how they choose not to go home because of drama. I look them in their eyes and show them what happens when you loose someone that is a part of you. You may argue and you may even fight, but this person is still an extension to who you are or who you will become. Your souls are connected and no matter what you may think about one another, if you should loose each other it will change your life. The biggest thing is if GOD decided to take someone close to you could you say that I was there until the end, or would it be I wish I'd made up with them before they left this earth.
Some of us only get one chance to make it right, some of us are shown the way time and time again. Which person are you? What will your last words be as they place someone that you love in the ground.
Til this day I feel empty but I know that this to shall pass. I may hurt some days and curse the others but still I stand. I may want to question GOD's work but I know better. I know that there are other things at work and we do better to enjoy what time we have left on this borrowed world. I fear death but I still stand and I promise that if you apologize or allow someone to apologize to you, when this time comes your way you will stand as well!
Peace & Blessings!

Get Me Bodied!

Why is it that when you go to the club feeling hot as hell you can't find someone to dance with? It seems like everyone is in their own huddle and they aren't doing much of anything. I want to go to the club and meet someone that wants to dance until the lights come on and they kick our asses out! I want to get bodied!
Why can't I dance and grind on a guy without him thinking that I want to go home and have sex with him? Why can't we just enjoy being sexy together and allowing ourselves to drift off and make the night magical with those words that kill the moment, "Can I hit that?" I want to get bodied!
Why when a guy starts talking to you in a club and the conversation is going very well then someone he knows walks up and he totally starts a new conversation with you still standing there? Why can't he just speak and get back to giving you the attention? I want to get bodied!
Beyonce made a point of making that song because I think that it will save the dance floor. I've noticed a lot of clubs don't focus on the floor they focus on the bar and the fact that people are there trying to get a hook-up! Whatever happened to going to the club to get down and then coming home and talking about how fine the brothas were and how the DJ was working his ass off? I want to dance, flirt, drink and conversate!!!!

Please someone out there, GET ME BODIED!!!!

I Hear It So Clearly Now

For many years there have been messages coming to me in different forms and through different people. I never really took the time to listen. I never took the time to try and understand why these messages were being sent to me and why were they so important.
After all that I've been through this year I see that signs are very important but we get so caught up in our everyday that we don't take time to just listen and learn. We never know more than other people, it's just that we have a different interpretation than others.
My Father use to tell me things all of the time. His favorite line was, "Keep On Living!" I never understood what that meant. In fact every time he'd say it me and my siblings would laugh because we thought it was so funny. But now loosing him, my brother Anthony and my Mom I see what he means.
"Keep On Living!" You complain about your job, about your home, about your kids, about your money, about bills and whatever else it is you can complain about. But keep on living to see that these things don't make you who you are. All of this is just temporary. Even your children aren't yours once they are no longer with you. If you screw up the state can remove your kids from you, your baby momma or daddy can see you as unfit and remove your child(ren).
We want to hold on to things that just don't want to be held on to. But keep on living so that you can see past the materialistic bullshit, the sneaky and shady asses that are just in it to hurt you. Keep on living so that you can learn from the mistakes made by you and others around you. That way you can teach the right path to those behind you.
I never really understood what my father meant, but
I Hear It So Clearly Now!

Inspiration

"I feel really inspired to be accomplished and happy! I want to be in a place where tragedy doesn't seem like the end. I see all things as a process and a meaning so now I don't cry out of pain I cry out of hope!"

Though life may deal us blows that we can't understand the most important thing to remember is that you are blessed with a heart of gold. Bad things happen to good people but it creates stronger people. Together we can change the world if only we believe that the world couldn't exist without us!

Quench My Thirst

Quench My Thirst was a book that I started years ago. It was a story that I started writing in a 5 subject notebook. Before I knew it the words jumped from paper onto a computer screen and then there was no stopping me. It was as if I saw my life and the life of others form right before my eyes!
People never truly understand why they go through what they go through but I am here to tell you that everything has a purpose and reason to season! Through the life experiences of myself and others I was able to create a book that I love to my heart! That book is now being published and I am so sure that it will touch many people for the simple fact that it's not something that I just threw together it is something that came from my heart!
To create something and share it with people with the hopes of helping someone who may have or will go through what you survived! The book is mainly about self worth and understanding. My brother Anthony and I were strong believers of knowing what you're worth! Knowing who is worth your time. Just to say that you are all that doesn't register that you are confident it justs sings that you are oblivious to how important you are truly are.
So what I hope I get back from the creation is the sense that everyone understand that being in love isn't anything if you can't love yourself! Trying to make others happy isn't anything compared to being happy inside!
For me words dance like a fire fly caught in a hurricane. But to control those words and place meaning with them is truly a blessing and is a blessing to be shared by and to all! Take the time to read something some times and prove these people wrong!
You know it's said that if you don't want a black person to know something...put it in a book!
Ain't that some shit!

One Eye Open

Woke up this morning with one eye open. I wonder why we do that. Is it that looking at things half way gives you time to change the outcome or circumstance. The funny thing about that is a lot of people approach life the way I approach my morning.
So many of us believe that they can always stop or change things when we think that they aren't going to work out for us. We muddle through life trying to take bits and pieces of life and rearrange them for our own selfish pleasures.
Living here in GA as long as I have I see it when people look for mates. They will love, wine and dine them but as soon as another model walks by they are off to pursue and neglect. What's wrong with staying with the same person until the end of time? Why is it such a bad feeling to be with that one person?
From what I've gathered, staying with that one person is like saying that you accept the end. It is pretty scary when you think about it. We all know that we are all going to die but to settle down with one person actually makes that fear come to life. As long as we're running the streets, jumping from bed to bed we have control over our lives. That moment when you utter those words "I love you" you give your life up to someone. So all that you did that kept you running all stops and you are faced with that truth that life is counting down to the end.
So the thing I do now is when I wake up in the morning I just open both eyes, strecth and thank GOD for another day. I embrace my relationship and thank GOD that I have someone that knows me and loves me. Hey look at it like this...he didn't have to give you that extra day. We are all living on borrowed time so start living like you are on loan and one day you will have to pay back all of the time you're wasting running and playing with people's minds and hearts.
It's time to start living and loving! That's how I want to go out!!!

Back To Education

I started class January 7th! I must say that it was a rude awakening! I have been out of school since I was 17th! Walking into this building and watching so many eager minds ready and focused.
Me walking with every step filled with fear, uncertainty and plain out worry. Would I be able to keep up? Would I measure of to the expectations? Will the work totally overwhelm me?
This is the very reason that most of us never go back to furture our education. We feel that since I've been out so long there really isn't a reason to go back. Some lives may live and survive by that thought but the life I want doesn't live by that standard.
I feel just as eager and focused as the students walking into that not so intimidating building. I felt very confident talking to that professor about our assignments!
It's not a matter of feeling like you don't belong, it's a matter of claiming the space that you want. Once I planted myself in my seat I felt like I belonged there. I felt like this seat was waiting on my presence.
So now that I've accomplished that portion of my new path I will attack every other one the exact same way!
Peace and blessings to those out there pursuing new roads of life. A big "Good luck" to those that want a change!
In life the only regret is never trying!

The Day Of Obama

I went to vote this morning and I realized something...with a press of a touch screen I've just pushed Obama that much closer to becoming our next president!
Thinking back on this I feel very excited because this has never been a reachable posibility. Never have we thought that a man of color could make it into the white house other than to serve the acting president.
I feel it in my soul that this is the day of true change. This is the day that we will rein stronger and more aware of our surroundings.
I've talked to a few people and I've received negative comments about Obama but I will keep those to myself as I wish the people that told me would have done.
The problem that we face isn't from other races or nationalities it's from our very own people. It's easy to sit back and holla how this won't work, this isn't going to happen, he must be getting help from white folks, etc. How about you get off of your ass and make the struggle real in your life. How about you make a change for something that serves more of a purpose than for your own selfish reasons!
I got your back Obama and I will stand strong through it all! This is your time and Tuesday is your day!
Be blessed to you all and I pray that we make the change necessary to bring about peace for our people!

Love Forever

Someone once told me that they loved me more than life it's self
They promised to be with me and love me and no one else
I opened my heart and gave them my soul
Of which with my emotions they had total control
I closed my eyes stretched my arms and fell right into their hands
I fell to the ground and now I'm feeling down and still can't understand
I never thought that I would feel so empty in the way I do today
For someone to love me so strongly and then to walk away
Their words were untrue though how they flew so swiftly from their lips
So no more home or celebrating holiday's especially romantic trips
So from now on he'll be my experience and one I won't forget
I would call him my ex love but to me he's a piece of shit!
Love Forever

Trust

How far is too far for us to decide that someone isn’t trustworthy? If someone does something to you that hurts you in the long run is it necessarily their fault? Do you blame them and end the friendship? Do you accept their sorry and move on?
I’m not sure yet. To me someone knows you inside and out. They are suppose to care about you enough to have your back no matter what. There will be times when their needs may compromise your life and they have to make an honest decision on that and that alone.
What would you do for a friend? How far would you go to protect someone that you love? Is it every a possibility to love a friend so much that you look out for them over your own benefit?
I trust people with no boundaries until you form them. Once you start showing me where your limitations are I pull back from those circumstances. If I allow you to harm me on something that I knew you couldn’t be trusted on in the first place then I’m wrong. But if I trust you and you assure that you can be trusted and you stab me in the back then the blame falls on you and the friendship is up for debate.
I was wronged and I blamed myself at first but then you went a step further and wronged me again. Now I feel that it’s war and there is no need for me to fight you because I still maintain my standards. Now that I know I can’t trust you I will love you still but I will never allow you in that space again. The shame is that the space is my life!

Loss Of Love

Loosing someone that you love is always hard! What does it mean for the rest of your life? Where does this new path take you and are you prepared to walk it alone?
I never imagined loosing Edward and to me that sounds so silly. I know that life ends and your soul begins it's journey. But being selfish as we all tend to be I wanted him here with me forever. The thought of not hearing his voice, not feeling his arms around me as I sleep, laughing at his corny jokes, his deep voice as he sung to me, it just doesn't register.
I believe that there is a force stronger than man with the power of GOD that holds our sanity in his hands. To allow your heart to feel all of what you've lost would be unbearable. I believe that you receive doses as you become stronger. Once your heart heals you look back and realize what that person meant to you and what your role was in their life.
So many have asked am I mad at GOD? Am I questioning his works? The truth is I feel as though GOD had bigger plans for Edward and his heart was just too big to remain here on earth.
The part that makes my soul smile is that I was there in the end and I have our secret world stored in my heart's memory bank for the rest of my days.

In-Laws!

In-Laws are funny! I guess in the straight world and in the gay one. They are seldom supportive of you when their sibling introduces you to the family. Some of them pretend to like you for the sake of the sibling and not you. In the case of a homosexual relationship they protest their feelings about the gay part not you as a person but yet they cannot seperate the fact that you are merely a person that happens to be gay.
Before they knew that you were gay they felt you were this gift from GOD touching the entire family and bringing so much life to such a dark family unit. Once they know that you are gay then you are the root of evil that has seperated their sibling from the family.
Naturally I am speaking from real experience and I pray to all that you never experience what I have experienced. People grieve in different ways I am sure but never have I experienced someone making you the target of their pain and sufferring.
To me I feel it's all guilt that I've shared 10 years with someone that they casted aside as a disposable camera. When he was needed you couldn't blink without a phone call coming through all hours of the night and baby brother to the rescue. Once his purpose was served then he was casted out once again.
Now that he's gone they want to lay claims to personal items. To me the most valuable item has been taken away and no matter how much anger you throw someone's way because of your hurt won't heal the saddened heart. You are angry because of your lack of action when he lived and walked this earth, but now you hate and envy me because I alone can tell his story.
I have been empowered in such a way that I can survive this great loss and cry tears of missing him and not tears of, "I should have, maybe if I had more time I could have..."
To all that may read this, no matter the differences, no matter the problems or disagreements, people are gifts and just because they may come to you a little damaged and scuffed doesn't mean that they don't serve a purpose in your life. So to those out there who struggle in your relationships with your family, friend or mate...remember that once they are gone you never get the chance to say I'm sorry!
Love all and cherish many!

Back To Life

I'm back in school and back at work. Walking through the doors of my job seemed so unusual. Not having someone to call and tell about my day and not having someone calling me throughout the day to make sure that I haven't flipped on anyone really hit home this past Monday.
The wonderful thing about that feeling was it didn't break me down and make me feel like my life was over. I have truly experienced something that very few people experience...I have been in love with someone that loved me unconditionally and there is not a better joy than to know you have had that in your life.
I still have a journey ahead and that journey will not be easy but through what I've seen, and felt throughout the years I believe that I have been geared with the necessary luggage to take this hike.
It would be so easy to fall into yourself and cry over and over again. It would be so simple to drift away from the world and let everything in your life go. The hardest thing to do is face yourself and still want that life you built, the children you prayed for, that beautiful house and that wonderfully financially secured career you've been working on.
If anyone reading this knows my personality then you would understand that I can't stand easy or simple. I love the battle, the journey, the unknown and just plain out living! I will keep on the path that I created and never will I look back in regret or wonder.
Just because you loose people and things in life, doesn't give you the right to loose yourself. Be strong and vigilant in your effort to take ownership on your life and your future.
People are placed in your life for a reason, the hardest thing some times is to figure out that reason. The funny thing is that some times the reason isn't made clear until that person is out of your life.
"May you conquer the world! May you stick your flag in your standing place and own your land! Though the world may beat you and take your precious things away, just remember that physcial or material possessions only last for awhile. It's the memory of having those people or things the world cannot take away. For to live free is to live without advice or worry. So go on and live, but don't forget to love!"

Am I Ready?

I was just on the phone talking to a gentlemen. He asked me if I was ready to get into a relationship with another man.
The first reaction was to say yes because in my heart and mind I've moved on and I am ready to experience a new life. At the same time there was this strong pause to just say simply...NO!
There is so much surrounding me that says this man's name. Every thought of my day is about him. When I come home I automatically look upstairs as I did before when he was home before me. I dream about him all of the time and long for him when I awake.
I still shed tears for him and pray that this is all a horrible nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I look ahead into my future and I see the kids, the house, the career but now there is this void that I have so many guys wanting to fill.
Is it truly possible to rearrange those future images and feel that it's the right thing to do without feeling guilty? Are you always holding that space for the lost one even though you know he's there in spirit? Is it fair for me to feel alone and have the option to be with someone but feel like I'm moving on too fast?
I often look into the mirror and ask myself..."Are you ready?"
The truth of the matter is when you loose someone really close to you the world becomes your enemy. People are surrounding you trying to get you to smile when you want to cry, they want you to drink when you just want to dry up and die, they want you to move on and date when you want to hold on to your memories and pray that when you die he will be there waiting to walk you to the other side.
I'm not depressed or suicidal by any means so there's no need to fear. The best medicine when in pain is reality. I take 2 doses of it everyday! When I wake up and before I go to sleep!
I know that death walks right next to all of us every day but most of us has never had to face him. Unfortunately for most of us we know him too well! We curse him and fear him but it's just life. We live and we die! We all share that destiny. It's what you do in between the times that separates you from others.
I choose to take the time left and make the best of it!
So I guess the question shouldn't be, "Am I ready?" I should tell myself, "You need to get ready!"
Because life moves on wheter you're a part of it or running from it! I don't want things around me to change and I have nothing to do with it! I want to be a part of that change so I can have a reason to curse when things aren't going my way!
Sorrow doesn't last forever, you have to know when to let it go! I've chosen to hold on to it for as long as I need to transition, but now I'm passing it on to others that need it! Allow your time of crying and pleading with GOD, but once you realize what is still happening around you, pass it on to the next person. Then and only then will you appreciate the life that you still have to live!
Peace and love to all that read these words!

Say A Prayer!

I'm pretty sure that everyone has heard about the tragedy surrounding our new angel Jennifer Hudson. I would like everyone to take the time out of your recreational or business time to say a prayer for her and her remaining family.
I'm not sure of the details surrounding this incident but what I have heard is that the sister's ex-boyfriend had something to do with it. If this is true then on this I will speak.
If life deals you nothing but bad hands and it seems like everyone else around you keeps winning the pot, say a prayer.
If you want so badly to be in love and you keep finding people that break your heart, say a prayer.
If you've given your heart to someone and they tell you that it's not working out and that you have to part ways, say a prayer.
How can love turn into such hate and lead to murder? How can you allow your pain to transform you into a murderer.
Hate me, curse me, damage my property, talk bad about me...but don't harm me and my family. Now Jennifer and her family's lives are forever changed and not in a positive way.
People please listen...if you don't listen to anything else I say please I pray to GOD that you listen to this.
Love is the connection to other people. Love doesn't make you crazy, love doesn't make you stress, love doesn't turn you into a murdering ass hole! Love is something beautiful and what happens is that those that abuse it make it seem like it's a poison. The truth is that the hate these type of people show is hate that was already there, it's just a shame that good people can't see the darkness and we end up falling in love with them then realizing that it's there but by then it's too late!
Those of you that have relationships that consist of violence in any form...walk away and make sure you are protected. Those of you that feel anger and violence towards the one you say you love...do them a favor and either get help or leave them alone. You don't realize that you loose in the end as well!
Violence is never the answer nor is it the solution to a broken heart. Love is only dangerous in the wrong hands so handle with care or leave it be because you just may not be ready for it.
"Lord please watch and hold Jennifer and her family on this very painful day. May some light shine upon her heart to give her that inner strength to keep on and to keep blessing the world with her powerful talents. The world needs her in a major way but Lord she needs you in a major way. Peace be still to her soul and may justice prevail."
-Amen

Me

People truly amaze me at times. Since I've become a widower people are so unsure on how to approach or talk to me. I've just recently started dating again and naturally you tell people your life story so that they know where you came from and where you are. When I get to my recent loss the energy in the room changes.
I've yet to meet someone that hasn't told me, "I can't replace Edward in your life." I'm like...duh!! I know that!! I'm not trying to replace Edward, there is no replacing! He and I didn't break up...he died and I have to live out the rest of my life.
Another guy said to me, "How can you love someone else when you still love him?" Those of you that know me already know that I went off. Not because of how stupid the statement was but for the fact that you would say that I still love a man that just died barely 5 months ago.
I knew getting back into the dating scene would become frustrating but now it's gotten to another level entirely. People say the dumbest things and look at you waiting for a response. It trips me out because I find myself to be very open and honest about my feelings when I'm talking to people but lately I've caught myself holding back what I really want to say.
I knew my life would change drastically after Edward passed but my GOD I never imagined that I would go through this all over again. After being with someone for 10 years you forget about the little irritants that you dealt with when you were out there looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Now it's like I've been thrown in the middle of the deepest ocean and I haven't been properly trained to survive in the conditions of the water.
My dreams haven't changed at all. I still want to become a famous author, I still want to sing, I still want to act and I still want to be a father. What I've decided to do is focus totally on those goals and if a man happens to thread his way into my fabric of life then fine...but I think I'll back off of the dating scene for a little while.
Now don't get me wrong I still have the need of a touch, a decent conversation and just some attention every now and again but DAYUM!!! Can I meet a brotha that is about the same?
People pray for us single folks because the world out there now isn't about life long connections it's about quick physical gratification. In this day and age that's dangerous but if you find the right one you can enjoy those moments with the bonus of so much more!
Hopefully I'll find it again!

It's Official

Well it's official....no matter the age, weight, color, background...negros can be so full of shit!!!!
I met this dude that said he was really feeling me and from what I knew of him he seemed to be the answer to what I needed to get through the transition of single to potential relationship.
We started out really strong with text messages, emails and phone calls. When it came to us meeting there was always something on his end that prevented that from happening. He told me he was 6"2" and 365lbs. That didn't bother me any because I look at the inside of people and not the outside which is why I like to talk to people first before I meet them face to face. That way you build a connection that isn't soley based on any physcial attributes.
After our beginning communication things started to slack off on his part. He would say he was going to call but wouldn't and when he got in contact there was always this excuse. The first time he stated that he left his phone in his coat pocket. The second time there wasn't an explanation, the third time he claimed he was in a car accident and his phone was damaged. He said that the face of the phone was cracked and he couldn't see the calls so he couldn't pull my number to call me.
He left me a message online and I called him. We spoke and he explained things so I gave him the benefit of the doubt though I still felt that he was fudging the truth. That Friday we were to get together. He wasn't working that day but he needed to wait for his cousin to come home so he could borrow the car. Not to mention that he had tickets to a play and he was paundering if he should take me or keep his promise to his cousin to take him even though his cousin didn't like musicals or plays.
We had the longest talk that Friday than we had since we connected. It seemed that things were getting back on track and we were rebuilding where we left off. I told him I had plans to hang with my 2 bestfriends that Friday night because the holidays were coming up and we wouldn't see each other during that time. He said that he would hook up with me right after I hung out with them. Being impressed that he suggested that I excitedly said sure.
I called him after I established what I planned on doing with my friends. He told me that he would call me once he got in the car with his cousin. Hours passed and no call. While hanging out with my best friends I got a text message from him saying he was sorry that he didn't call me!
Immediately I was pissed off! If you're phone's face was cracked and you can't make calls because you can't see who you are calling...how are you able to send text messages?" I didn't jump on it because I wanted to see if he had an excuse for that. No excuse!
After leaving my best friends I called and left a message and I left a text message. For the rest of the night I received no reply. The next morning I called and left another text message...no reply. So I decided to end things by sending a text stating that I couldn't deal with the inconsistency in our communication...mainly on his part.So it would be best for me to step away from this before I got too involved.
About 2 hours later I received a text stating the he left his phone at home when he went to get his hair cut and he was going to take me to the play. Mind you, he didn't explain not responding to me last night or this morning.
It just amazes me that these sorry ass negros play mind games and tell you what they think you want to hear. He knows about the loss of my lover and he claimed that he loss his lover to violence. He said that his lover was a cop and he was shot in the line of duty.
Seeing how much of a liar he is I don't believe that there ever was a lover.
I don't ask for much...Hell! I don't even give requests! All I want is realism and practicality but I keep getting buckets of bullshit from people that don't even understand the meaning of being actual decent people.
I tend to go back and forth on the dating front, but I know that I won't allow myself to break because I keep meeting a bunch of sour apples. Dating isn't hard it's just you meet people who lack intelligence or common sense.
In his ending message he wished me luck and you know something...I'll take that because what he did was tell me that he wasn't worth my time. I'm just glad that I didn't push anyone aside to be with him.

I'm Free!

I woke up this morning shouting, "I'm Free! I'm Free!" I'm no longer bound by the expectations of others. I no longer care what men think about me! I don't care that I don't have a 6 pack, 6 figures, light skin, or the anal cavity that a car could fit in!
I'm me and that's all that matters. Life is way too short to live by other people's idea of you. Why in the hell should I be perfect when the dudes with such high expectations are alone. If you had it going on so strong you would be knocking brothas off with a stick and not hitting me up constantly!
There is a factor about me that is so strong that I can attrack the best of people through their hearts and not their eyes. What you don't like someone else will love! What you don't consider attractive someone else will consider a work of art!
People embrace what is you and except nothing less than the best for yourself. In the end of your life cycle do you really want to be noted for what you did to please other people?
Think about it the next time you come face to face with your judge (date)! Remember my words, "I'm Free!"

What Nerve!

Wow! Some times I even amaze myself.

I was feeling a little down and reflecting on my losses of this year and the years before. I asked the lord why would he take so many loved ones from my life leaving me feeling to voided and empty.

Just as I began to complain I started looking around at the fruits of my life as they still exsist.

I quickly dried my tears and apologized for me having the nerve to question the works of someone so powerful without fault. It isn't an accident that he took people that I felt were truly a blessing and brought them home. If I felt that they were angels on earth sent to me as a blessing why would I question his need for them in heaven?

Some times we get so caught up in, "Why me? Why now? Why him? Why her?" That we don't realize that there is a transition in the cycle of life and we all must meet that end. It is truly a blessing to be picked from the hellasious world that we live in today.

To become a warrior for GOD...to be able to guide the hearts of the ones you love is truly a blessing and one we should take in our hearts and hold tight.

Never again will I question the works of someone that showers me with blessings every day. To wake up, to have a home, to have a job, to have transportation, to have nurishment, to have the ability to love endlessly and strength to keep it moving in the face of adversity!

What nerve!

Under New Management

There is this strange transition from heart break to heart healing. I have experienced so much of both that some times it can overwhelm me.
I am a hopeless romantic and I love to hear stories of true love winning over ignorance! It gives me the hope that true love still exsists!
Right now I'm reaching out to the world again wanting that love in my life. No longer afraid of the pain of loosing but geared up for the reward of receiving the next one in store for me.
I believe that people are placed in your life in the different transitions of your life. When you aren't sure where you are you get someone that is still searching as well. You see yourself through the works of them and then you open your eyes.
Once that person leaves you have an understanding of what you want then you meet someone who thinks the same but they make mistake after mistake. You see yourself in them and then you let that go realizing that you have a lot to learn still.
Once that person is out of your life you realize that life changes and so do you. So you no longer fool yourself in believing that you know exactly what you want. Then that person that feels the same way comes into your life and you do what you haven't done before...you grow together!
I'm there now and my heart is under new management. I now allow myself the reality of not knowing...I admit that I'm still in the entry level of life and gladly have a lot to learn from where I've come from.
My, my ignorance is bliss!

I Get It

Stop and think for a moment...when you talk to someone new in your life do you really give them the honest truth?
When someone starts asking you personal questions are you answering to the best of your abilities?
If you have more than one person interested in you, are you letting them know that there is competition for your attention?

Some times I find these guys that have 1000 questions for me but can't answer a single one when the roles are reversed! Is it really necessary to give someone the third degree when you aren't really interested in the first place?

I find it to be a means of entertainment. I don't understand what happened to people that want real love and real connections. It's a sad thing to see grown ass men playing games with people their ages or younger. It's like no one cares about reputation anymore.

Think about the bullshit you put on others and realize that you are known for the games you play. I thought that by 30 years of age you should have your shit together. Maybe younger in some cases but I am running into so many older men that talk as if they have all the time in the world to get it right.

Now don't get me wrong...I'm not perfect by a long shot but I know me and I know my worth. I know that love is possible, I know that having a family is so doable! Can we please stop with the mind games, the phone tags and the empty promises!

When you waste the time of others your time is wasting away as well. Life is short for us all and don't you think you need to start cherishing in the little things while you have them to cherish? Don't you think it's best to be known as an honest man and not a playful child?

This isn't directed to anyone in particular...it's just me saying how I feel. I want honest conversation for once. I want to be able to talk with someone with no holding back. Let's break the bullshit cycle and actually be who we describe ourselves to be.

Stop using other names, stop using other people's pictures, stop putting up pictures of how we use to look many years ago! Let's be men and start building bridges to connect one another and not burn them down!

Wasting Chances

Since I have started my new path on love and life I have run into a lot of people that make me laugh on the inside.
Since I've told them that I have met someone I got a lot of, "Man I thought I had a chance", "Why didn't you give me the time to get to know you more?", "He can't treat you like me", "What can this nigga do for you?", "When it doesn't work out call me"
I have never been so amazed at the amount of garbage people can throw your way. Knowing my current life situation that led me down the road of uncertainty and now I've met someone that didn't fall in love with the chance to have sex with me but for the chance to really get to know me.
He's not putting me on a list...he's not comparing me to others. We talk every single day and not once have we missed the chance to call one another. We make the effort to visit one another and enjoy each others company with no distraction.
I have had guys stop talking to me for weeks and then I get a text message..."Whats good?" What the hell is that? Is that what they consider conversation...a fucking text message!!!
People aren't being treated like human beings anymore. People are being treated like random forms of entertainment. People are viewed as the last resort when nothing else seems to work out.
I don't know about any of you but I don't play that shit! You want to get to know me then you give me all of the attention you have. If you want to establish a strong connection with me then you stop trying to talk to other guys and me at the same time. If you want my undivided attention then why don't you pick up the phone to say, "Hello Greg how are you doing?" Instead of sending me short ignorant ass text messages!
But actually it's too late because someone real has beat you to the punch. He knew what he wanted and he's going for it. Right now it's about us and no one else. When we talk it's more than a line or two. When we see one another it's more about spending time and not just having a quick sex session...though it is worth the wait!
Find out what it is you are doing wrong and make it right. There are so many great people out there waiting for love and you are wasting their chances with your bullshit!
GROW UP!!!!

Why?

If this is making love then why would I want anything else
If this is being happy why would I look for anything else
If this is caring for someone else then I will keep it moving
If this is building a life together then I'm going to keep on building
If this is dreaming big and living large then please don't wake me
If this is floating on could 9 then please don't shake me
Why would you want to see other people just incase when the one you're talking to now does it all
Why would you want to doubt your heart the fun of loving again
Why would you search for a reason to end something that makes you smile every day
Why would you allow other people's opinions alter the way you feel about your new found love
Why would a little distance stop you from going that extra mile to say, "I love you", "I miss you"
Why would I feel lonely when you are just a phone call away
Why would I feel horny when the thought of your touch pleases me
Why would I even imagine trying to search for something better when this is it
"Why?"

One Life To Live

Just finished up a pointless conversation with a woman old enough to be my mother.
She searches for reasons to blame everyone for her mistakes and yet never admits that she is so wrong. She says what she feels no matter the cost of other people's feelings. She will spread rumors and not give a damn about if they are true and if they could really damage someone's reputation.
She's been labeled crazy by a lot of people including her self. She is so proud to tell you that her doctor said she is legally crazy. I look upon her with a look of total saddness to how screwed up this woman is. You've managed to survive life for so many years yet you still don't know how to deal with people.
Being unstable isn't something to be proud of. Pointing the finger at others because you just can't get right doesn't help you at all. Being the one to complain about everything only makes you look like the villain because the complaints are always coming from you.
Crying wolf long enough will get you ignored. Trying to rip others down so that you build yourself up isn't a pretty look on you. I believe in the strength of women and the struggle they've gone through to get equal treatment from the world...then the sad truth is so many of you still live in the dark ages. You think because you voice your opinion you are to be respected. I'm sorry to say but this sista only makes women look bad.
She brags that the only way she'll give up her "goodies" is if a man pays her bills. So she looks at her body as a source to receive payment and not a temple to be cherished and loved. I find that scary that this woman exsists and doesn't see fault in her actions. People like that are dangerous to us all.
You only have one life to live and from the way the world is today you don't have much time to live it. Is this what you view as a journey? Is this the story you want to leave behind? Are you happy in the skin that you've tarnished and bruised?
There is never a deadline to reinvent yourself. You can always learn from your past mistakes and turn over a new leaf.
Tic, toc, tic, toc! Life is passing you by!

The Fear We Share

It surprises you and hits you when you least expect it to
You were so blind to it because the happiness and excitement of falling in love took over. Yet you suddenly realize it when it is right there in front of you.

You are afraid of loosing someone you love again. The feeling you felt thinking that everything was finally moving right along and you had so many great plans for your future and then before you knew it that future was destroyed by a heart attack. You shut down and push love away. You never feel the same inside and you never look at happiness the same.

Then one day a simple message comes across your screen and you find yourself enjoying the conversation. You find yourself feeling all of those feelings you felt before you experienced such a painful loss. Then the fear creeps back in wearing a different shade and tempting you to run until you realize that this new person has a different fear.

He never imagined falling for you so soon. It was such a breath of fresh air just to have a decent conversation for a change. Then before he knew it he was saying "I love you." Now his entire way of life is changing right before his eyes. He's making hard decisions in his mind because he is so new at this. But he loves you enough to think about the future.

His life has always been devoted to the 4 lives he brought into this world and the family that loves him dearly. This new experience could change all of that if he doesn't handle this right.

You sit and look at the fact that you're just scared of loving someone again then you weigh that with his fear of loosing his entire family and you realize that you can handle your burden and help carry his.

You both discuss your fears and then you find that you have so much love for each other that you both can face whatever life may bring your way. You reassure him that you are there no matter what. You let him know that you will stand by him in anyway he needs and he reassures you that he loves you and that you shouldn't be afraid to fall in love again. He reminds you of the life you've always wanted and the family you wanted to build.

Those happy feelings, those tender moments, those stolen kisses, those times of love making, sharing emotions and being lost into one another are there and you are happy that you didn't run from them. You are stronger than before and it's because you experienced those things. You won't take him for granted and you won't let a day go by without telling him how much you love him. You won't allow distractions to stop you from loving him and being there for him.

There are so many things you have in common, then there are things you don't agree on but you can certainly say that fear is the most important thing you share. Life couldn't teach you anything if you didn't feel fear. Now that you recognize it you can work together to over come it.

Love will prevail over fear!

So Much Better

Woke up to another misty morning, not sure how the day will be by the time I get to work. Right on time I receive my daily, "Good Morning Sunshine" and my day turns brighter.

There are moments when you sit on the edge of your bed and ponder the next steps of your life. The future for us all is so undecided even though we may feel we are on track and have things in place. I tried avoiding so much for so long because I didn't want to experience the pain of actually dealing with the ending results.

Now I take giant steps towards the bigger picture and that fear of what may happen has suddenly disappeared. I guess once you realize that it's important to experience those highs and lows to achieve the goals you want, then it all seems to make sense.

Maybe if I started getting things easier it would be taken for granted. Thinking like that makes you understand where you are in life and what you need to do to live better. At this moment I feel like I'm living my life for the first time. I'm starting to feel like I am actually making serious decisions and I'm following through. It seems like the road ahead isn't always paved with hard times and difficult moments. I see a ending to my journey and it all depends on my strength to get me through it.

It was always said in my family that nothing comes to us easy. We never knew why and never could understand. We feel that we are good people, we feel that we give back in so many ways but we always face so much loss and heart ache. Now my perception is a little different. I believe that things will get better and they are getting that.

I have a job that is secure, I have a talent that I am pursuing, I have a loving family, I will soon have a loving little family of my own, and the topper is I am in love with a great man that is making my life brighter by the day. I didn't see these things until I woke up and watched the mist fall from the sky. I didn't see how wonderful my life was while the sun was shining!

It's in those darkest of moments where you see that life is so much better.

Hope Floats

For so long I've built a wall around my heart
Can't really remember when but it was there
I only allowed people a glimse of who I was and what I had to offer
Fear is a crippling feeling especially when you under estimate it
I became so conditioned to pain that it felt natural and well placed
Whenever I felt happiness I felt that there was something wrong
I would immediately pull back and the wall was set in place
I questioned good intensions and allowed foul feelings
I ran from good guys and embraced the bad ones
I started feeling like I was one myselfI felt that I was a predator looking for my next victim
I crushed so many hearts in my pursuit to protect my own
Running so fast I forgot to look behind me
One day I finally tripped The fall was hard and painful
As I rose I looked back to see what I tripped on
The path behind me was filled with broken hearts, broken dreams, rivers of tears, shattered memories and hope wrapped in chains
I turned around and began walking back
As I came to those sights I began to fix them
When I got to hope I broke the chain
My heart began beating again
I began crying again
I gave my best to those that were hurt in my destructive rampage
I carried hope in a different direction
This direction brought about the hardest thing...acceptance
What I didn't expect was to have a guide
He stands there holding out his hand for me to grab
I backed up for a while and he began to disappear
I saw the wall rising once again
Before I knew it I grabbed a sledge hammer and began tearing the wall down
I turned to a bright light and an image
It was him again
This time he held out both hands
Afraid to loose hope I only gave one hand
Still not able to get a grasp I released hope and to my surprise hope began to float
I placed both hands in his and we became one

Chocolate High

I am in this state of mind where I can't imagine breathing without knowing that he is doing the exact same thing
I am feeling like once I close my eyes to sleep is he already sleeping and is he dreaming of me
When I eat I take a pause and hope that he is taking the time to eat and seek nurishment as well
I start to laugh and then I pause and hope that he is finding happiness throughout his day

Well that is a bit extreme but it is close! LOL! I have this hunger for him, this longing to be with him on every waking second, minute and hour of the day. He makes me smile from the inside out and it washes away the gloom that formed over me. We bond on a level that I can't understand and nor do I want to figure out. It's like saying "I love you" is a shield from the world and a comfort to finally sleep peacefully again. I've told him my life story and he's still here. We share our good, bad and in between. We know the importance of quality time and yet we still share our lives with others. I listen to songs differently now, trying to piece together a collage that would make for the perfect song that describes his meaning in my life. I try to tell him but me being all right with words, still I trip over them as if they are bags and bags of clothing scattered throughout my brain. He moves me to dance without moving my feet and yet my body finds a rhythm that I can't deny. I want to sing out loud but the words are so precious I want to keep them to myself. He has a way of smiling at me when I'm wondering what is on his mind. It makes me feel like I'm swimming in his emotions while he drying off from several laps of my own. We reach the highest level of happiness just holding one another and not thinking of what is to come. I float into the office and my day doesn't start until I hear the words, "Have a good day at work" It's more than I could have ever imagined and more than I felt I deserved. The saying, "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it" Oh how true that statement is. I often wondered why would we not want what we wished for. Then I had a moment where it felt so overwhelming to have someone tucked so deeply into my heart. It started feeling like it was too good to be true. I tried to pry it away but like skin to flesh it remained. At that moment I realized that my wish, my need, my want and my prayer had come true. Recreational drugs, drinking, sex, money, spending, material desires have nothing on this chocolate high that I'm on. Those things are temporary pleasures but love like this is an all time high!

In Love With Two Men

Such a powerful and sad experience loosing a love. The moment you accept that it's gone you find yourself so lost and without purpose. July 23, 2008 will always be the moment I look back on and remember that feeling all too well. Then here comes another chapter in my life. December 6, 2008 was the day I met the reason that I smile every day and the reason that I remembered my purpose and found my inner child all over again. I have memories with my lost love that hold on to my heart every waking moment. I look around at areas we've been, listen to songs that we sung to, watch movies that we loved and bought together, wear clothes that he bought me while still hanging up clothes of his. Each day that moves as slowly as it does only reminds me of the power that we shared together. Each day that me and my new love spend together is a new one. We are beginning to have a routine and it's funny to see the things we do throughout the day. The more time we spend together only plays on my imagination of the day we live together. The things that he likes to do, the places he likes to go, the music that he likes to listen to, the clothes that he likes to wear. I sometimes feel my lost loves arms around my waist at night. It comforts me and reminds me of how he use to make me feel so secure and at peace when he held me through the night. I can still feel his lips kiss my night good night as I close my eyes to dream. When it is time to sleep my new love rubs my head and looks deep into my eyes. He gives me this kiss that soothes me and melts me into sleep. I can feel his arms around my waist holding me tightly. I feel warm and secure with his touch and I sleep peaceful knowing that he's right there beside me. My heart has doubled and at times I feel it is impossible to do so but I do love 2 men. The sad truth is that I love the memory of the man I lost and I love the future I have with the man I'm with. It is a painful blessing to experience a life like this. Not many people can say that they've fallen in love twice with men that have equal abilities to love you endlessly. 2 men that want only the best for me and want only for me to smile. If you ever have a chance to live a life where you can meet angels such as these, please never take them for granted. Know that it is a rare blessing to actually love someone as strongly as the last. Take a walk down memory lane some times to relive what made those moments and that person special to you. If you are blessed to still have them with you, then please hold them tight and cherish the moments ahead!

When It's Over

How do you know when something is truly over?
What gives you the okay to say that you're done?
When is it okay to utter the words, "I'm free from that."
When can you truly give your all to someone new?
How do you know if it's the right time?
The truth is you never really know.
You find yourself experiencing so many new things and the old stuff has a way of trying to rise from the wreckage.
The deepest loss is the one that you can't touch or see.
Not being able to tell someone good-bye means that you just convince yourself that it's over and you are ready to move on.
Ending something with a live person isn't easy but it's sure, it is certain that once you walk away you know that it was time to walk away.
How about if that someone was taken from you?
How do you let go of a spirit?
How do you end a relationship that wasn't over until they were physcially taken from you?
How can you find closure with someone that can't answer back?
How can you tell them good-bye and feel that the chapter is closed?
That has truly been a battle that I face on a daily basis.
I know that it's over, I know that I'm moving on, but are they settled?
Has their spirit moved on to the hereafter?
Has their soul found piece?
To be taken so unexpectantly and painfully, does the spirit ever really find peace or closure.
I see that it's not easy but it's necessary.
Those questions can never be answered nor can there ever truly be closure until you close the door yourself.
Saying good-bye is only the beginning, but ending everything else is the ultimate test.
Happiness is waiting on the other side of this dark path, but you must be willing to do the work to get there.
Nothing is easy and life is difficult.
I've met the person that makes it all worth it and I know that it is time to move on with or without the closure I feel I need.

A Change In Weather

The wind make a drastic change today
It felt as though everything around me began to shake
At that moment I couldn't think of what to grab a hold to
My heart was shaking but it would be too soft to grab
My brain was throbbing but it would have been too big to hold
My eyes were shifting but they were too slippery to keep a hold of
My lips were trembling but they kept on jumping out of my hand
So I started looking at my material possessions
My cell phone was snuggled deep in my pockets so there was no care to secure it as it holds connections to all of my important people
My jewelery was well in tact so no need to store it away
My pictures were all over the place so I was left with picking the most important one
Should I grab pictures about my past
Should I hold onto the picture of my present
Yet there was a frame that had no picture at all
It was a frame awaiting the picture of my future
At that moment I was confused and a little saddened
The winds calmed
My surroundings settled
And I was left with questions and uncertainties
Life is a constant storm
There are no true predictions on what it will do
In a split second the winds could change
What would you hold on to
What would you let go
What would you miss
What could you forget
Being a writer I have the choice to change the destiny of whomever I choose
But being human you are at the mercy of fate and fate can be cruel at times
I know not what my future holds
But I do know what not too hold on to so tightly
When the storm comes you must face it head on
Running or turning away from it only makes the outcome that much worse

His Protector

He told me he was afraid
He said that his life is stuck
He is sorrounded by brick walls
He has so much that he wants to show
Though he can't express it at all
He's afraid to loose everything
I see a man that has more love in his heart than the world as one
I see a man that can change a life with just his presence
I see a man trying so hard to make everyone around him happy
I see a man sacrificing his own happiness to keep smiles on the faces of others
Here is a man that cries alone
Here is a man that stays strong for me but hurts his self
Here is a man that enjoys the simple things in life
Though his own life isn't that simple
What could I do to help him
What could I say to give him strength
What could I show him to make him see his full potential
I cry for him more than myself
I see a life not lived I see a heart battered and bruised
I see a soul growing darker and darker with every verbal damnation
He questions his fate
He questions his life
He questions his savior
He questions his self
I pray for him everynight
I pray that he opens his mind, eyes, heart and soul
I pray that he finds his inner strength
I pray that he draws a closed ear to hate and ignorance
I want him to run to me
I want him to hold on to me
I want him to cry in my arms
I want him to let it go
I want him to let me carry the load for him
He holds it in
He runs away
He hides the pain
He offers me happiness but cares not for any of his own
He is a gift from GOD
He is a jewel so precious and bright
He is an angel
He is my guide
He is my stone
He is my high
I want him to see me as the same
I want him to believe in his heart
I want him to take my hand I want him to look forward
I just want to be his protector

What's New

I have had many experiences and it seems like each time I feel I've seen it all, I am thoroughly surprised.It's strange the things you miss and then it's strange the things you wish you could forget.I am surprised with how far I've come in such a short period of time. I have doubted myself, my worth, my future and my happiness. Now I can't imagine why.I look back on those times and I can't say that recognize that person feeling or doing those things.I have this new man in my life that makes me actually feel like I'm living a fairytale. He cares about all of my needs and rarely stresses his own. He wants me to smile and be happy, so he goes out his way to make sure that it happens.I wrote stories of love and romance back in the day because I craved it so much, now I merely write from experience. I feel like one of those people that others avoid because they are tired of hearing about their love life.I thought losing my job would change me negatively because all I knew was work. That job got me through the death of my father, brother, mother and lover, but I gained so much from that loss. I learned who my real friends are and who I can live without. I realized that I was overlooked and that I was worth more than a title.I'm living a blessed life and I thank God everyday for being able to breathe it all in and take full advantage of it.So what's new with me? I'm finally living for me and I'm loving it!

Moving On

Some times I wonder if I'll ever truly understand the concept of getting over the past and starting on the future.I find myself looking on past events that are similar in nature of what I am facing in my present time. The difference being me.I am faced with being brought in the middle of the same situations but now I approach them with a different thought and process.People tend to not notice that your response to them isn't the same as their statement to you. It made me realize that I have changed a lot and I don't dwell on the past issues that arise over and over again.Taking people for lesser value than they are worth is a huge mistake becuase as I've learned over the years, once those people are gone you never get a chance to take it back.